CC,

another great post on this topic.

All of this is really helping me to transform my plan doormat into a proper plan A.

thanks,
TC

Shaken,



I believe you are talking about my thread, How to kill my WW's A.

I am glad to see some really good advice here on how to do plan A rather than just explanations of why ultimatums are the only option.

I don't mean to t/j, but I have a specific question on how to apply plan A to my situation:

my WW recently joined a new group at work and they invited her out to a happy hour after work today. The told me last night about it without even asking my opinion on whether she could or should go. She is very dedicated to her work and has been trying to get involved in this new group for a while now. I told her that I preferred that she not go because we need to spend as much time together as we possibly can and that even though going to the happy hour is a good idea for career reasons, that her career is far from the most important thing in our lives right now. She just responded that she won't stay too late.

Trying not to LB, I expresses my disapproval one more time, but then let it go, not wanting to make demands. How would you guys handle this situation in a properly executed plan A?

Doesn't she work with OM?

Show up at Happy Hour.

ETA with a big smile and hug for her.

Excellent posts Mark & CC! Dead on the money! As I said on TC9's thread...Plan A is an ACTION, not a REACTION...A total hero's gig...Most definitely not for wimps!

TC9, I totally agree with black_raven...Show up for Happy Hour for sure...Be sweet and adoring...engage her coworkers in chat and friendly banter...Be the best you possible...

Mr. W was on my tail all the time in Plan A...Drove me nuts at the time of course, but it's hard to complain when someone is being incredibly kind to you, yanno? Demonizing a genuinely wonderful husband is near impossible...Takes away all those rationalizations and justifications for the affair...And being a constant presence mightly impedes the affair, which is the POINT, yes?

Mrs. W

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=154136&Number=2160493#Post2160493


Here's a post on how to Plan A without BEING a doormat. It was given to me EARLY on in my Plan A (first day in fact) by Starfish. It was something posted YEARS ago by Bramblerose....

It's some encouraging words for BS working Plan A....

not2fun

Ps....Mark, ITA on your post....another homerun...

Mark and Cuthbert, outstanding posts!

I would like to add Pepperband's carrot and stick since it so summarizes plan A so very well:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

The Road,

I guess I'm not willing to accept that my wife banged OM. If I was cruel to her and mistreated her,then I would rather she leave me than cheat. I won't accept her cheating at all.

On this thread I see where totallyconfused9 was telling his wife not to go to happy hour or presented his disapproval of it. She still disrespected him and said she was going anyway. I couldn't tolerate that. I can't see how you can totallyconfused, i just can't see how you can.

Because he can't MAKE her do anything. He can't make her not go. He can't make her end her affair. He can't make her work on the marriage.....


not2fun

The point is not trying to stop her from going, the point is she doesn't respect him enough not to. That I couldn't tolerate and wouldn't. If she went, knowing our situation, that would show me her position.
If being a man means I have to allow my wife to continue messing around with OM while I am trying to meet her emotional needs, then I simply would not do that. I would get a lawyer and divorce.
Kicking her to the curb may seem to a cheap way out, but not if she has already checked out and kicked me to the curb.

Mark, Cuthbert, Galoot, you guys and all the others make good points. I respect that.

Not2fun,

I realize I cannot make her do anything, I don't want to make her do anything, but if she doesn't WANT to respect me, Why should I WANT her?

I want to point out here that some people are not capable of Plan A. I am one of them. I know my personality and I know that I would not last a day and stay out of jail. So, I would never set myself up for that.

I have the greatest respect for those who do manage to go through Plan A. [not the [censored] kissing version, but the real version] I am a firm believer in Plan A, because I do believe it increases the odds of marital recovery after plan A and Plan B. It gives the WS a place to land when his affair ends. Some can wait out the affair, others can't.

There is no shame in attempting plan A. The shame only comes in, IMO, when someone ABUSES Plan A in order to avoid conflict. I believe that causes more harm than good, because it is most often MEN who do this. And women do not respect men they can run over. Being treated like a QUEEN after you have just have just spit in the face of your husband is disgusting.

her new work group does not include OM. And, she invited me to come, but she works an hour away and I had to take our dog to the vet.

One thing I just noticed, Shaken, in your initial posting - you say it seems like the WW gets to enjoy her affair when her BH is Plan A'ing her.

I don't think anyone with a conscience could enjoy their affair in the face of a properly-executed Plan A. First of all, after exposure, they have to face their family and friends. Secondly, they won't have the BH's rage and anger to blame their affair on - because the BH will be controlling his AOs. With no LoveBusting on the part of the BH, they have to face themselves, the fact of what they are doing, with those excuses stripped away.

If the BH is actively frustrating their A efforts - closing joint accounts, showing up unannounced at happy hour, etc etc - and doing so without LBing, that would cause incredible frustration for the WW.

Under these circumstances, the WW will be watching her life spiral out of control... not the romantic fantasy she envisioned.

I followed a thread a couple of years ago by a BH who did all this. His WW was in a romantic affair with a very controlling OM, and her life spiraled into chaos. Although he was in great pain, to her he was steady as a rock - even as her OM became more and more abusive. She most assuredly did not enjoy her affair, even though she had a hard time stopping it.

But she did stop it.

Thank you for the clarification TC

Cuth,

That was an effective Plan A, but he suffered through it.

Thank you Cuthbert. I just see too many Bh's on here getting run over that's all.

shaken, please don't make the mistake of holding that against Plan A. Like I said earlier, Plan A does seem to be very attractive to conflict avoiders and I suspect you have seen some of that.

YES I have Melody,
Enough to where I actually get mad at the WW and I don't really know her. Even more I feel bad for the BH.
I know that Plan A can work.I have seen that on here too. I just see the conflict avoidance more.

THANKS Mel

Finally got home from work, fixed dinner and spent a little time with my wife.

Now to answer a couple of questions...

TC9, Yes I was a betrayed husband. In fact my original screen name was BetrayedHub.

And Yes, I did Plan A and did not end up in Plan B since the affair ended and my wife agreed to NC, a plan of recovery and counseling, etc.

When I got here, I was at a total loss as to what my options were. I felt at first that my choices were to put up with it or to kick her out, or to move out myself and just abandon whatever it took to move on with my own life. I had been averaging about 2 hours sleep per day, had dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks and another 8 the third week because I was only able to eat when she and I were together. I had to FORCE myself to eat, work on a project or almost anything considered normal by most.

Once I read the Basic Concepts, the Q&A columns and the Articles here, I realized that I had other options open to me, one being to fight for my marriage with a specific plan that restored my focus and dignity. As I read the posts of others I realized that her affair was not an indictment of me.

I set about doing everything I could to win her back and stopped trying to debate and educate her into ending the affair.

Think back to high school. It's the first day you saw her and were wildly attracted to her. Imagine asking her to the game on Friday night and she answers that she already has a date...Your hopes vanish, your heart is broken, your self worth is crushed.

You have two choices, try to figure out who the other guy is and win her from him or walk away. If you decide to fight you begin to do things that will win her heart, things that will make her notice you and that you are doing these things for her. You hold the door for her after class, you help her get her locker closed while her arms are full of books; you help her on with her coat as the bus arrives to pick her up and take her home. You share your life with her as much as she will allow and let her into your inner most being. You focus your attention on her, set aside the hijinks with your friends and try to make her feel special.

You also try to find out who the other guy is. You attempt to compete with him not just for her heart but for her attention. You walk her between classes, spend time with her after school, bring her a single flower from the garden you passed on the way to school and arrive early to be waiting for her when she gets off the bus. You never lose your cool in front of her for any reason and are always careful what you say so she is not offended in any way.

That is the meeting ENs and avoiding Love Busters part of Plan A. That is how you got your wife to fall in love with you to begin with; you spent time with her, met her ENs and made her feel like you cared about her. You wanted to make her happy so that she would be with you. That is how you begin to win her back in Plan A.

But...

Back in high school you might have challenged the other guy to a duel of sorts. You might have sent word to him to meet you behind the gym after school and you planned on cleaning his clock...

But you can't go around beating folks up once an adult because the law frowns on that stuff, so you have to fight him in some other way. You have to hit him where it really hurts...

If he is married, that means calling his wife and telling her that her husband is having an affair with your wife. His life just became hell on Earth.

You also call her parents and tell them. They might not "side with you" against her, but unless they have serious problems they will probably help your wife to think about what she is throwing away by her actions. If they work together, you can also let the fine folks in HR dept know about what they do on company time...But what if they lose their jobs?...Might happen. They will blame you...YEP, they sure will...They will say they lost their jobs because you told on them...No, they lost their jobs because they broke company policy and had an affair with a coworker.

Friends that would think your wife was totally nuts if they found out about the affair should be your next exposure targets. Anybody who might tell her she is stupid, nuts, selfish or just plain crazy should be told. These are the people who will beat her about the head and shoulders with wagging tongues every time they get a chance.

Back in school she might have told you she had a date for Friday night's game but she was free for the dance on Saturday night. Would you tell her you want nothing to do with her if she goes to the game with HIM?

Or do you set about making the dance one she will dream about till Thursday?

The other guy might win and steal her away for good, but it won't be because you sat and acted like everything was alright and you didn't care whether she was with him or not...

But the very first question you have to answer for yourself before you try winning her heart is this:

Is she worth it? If not, just let go. If so, then fight till they carry you out...

Another thing to consider in my high school analogy is this; if you can't figure out who the other guy is, do you wait till you find out before working to steal her away?

Or do you begin to do whatever it takes to win in the end even if you never know. Might be that geek in science class, or the star linebacker on the football team or it might be the guy who rides a chopper to school and wears leathers to class. Again I ask...

Is she worth it?

Mark

Shaken,

I felt as you did at the beginning of my FWW's A. I thought, why should I fight for a marriage with someone who has so little respect for me?

But then I discovered, and began research on the phenomenon of infatuation, or, as coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, also known as limerence. When someone has fallen "in love" with someone, or has become infatuated. their brain has become flooded with hormones and neurotransmitters that have a very similar effect as amphetamines. They are in a state of euphoria and elation caused by the OP. And the state is very additive. All they can do is think about the OP. They become obsessed with OP, and can't really think of their spouse, unless they are good at compartmentalization. And its involuntary. Once an infatuation starts, they can't turn off these feelings. But, the good news is, such that it is, that an infatuation burns itself out, usually in about 6 months. Then, they return to normal.

But, in the course of the infatuation, if BS acts with a lot of LB's, while OP was loving and kind, WS may choose to remain with OP. That is the strategy of Plan A, at least its carrot part -- to show WS, in a subconscious way, that BS is still desirable. That way, when the infatuation burns off, WS will desire to return to BS. There are so many stories out there of how a WS walks out on BS, moves in with OP, but then 6 months later wants to come back to BS. The infatuation burns off, and WS then realizes what a fool they have been.

I'm not telling you what you should do, but all I can say is, that once I learned and studied about infatuations, and realized that is what my FWW was exhibiting, I then both had hope that the A would end, even as long as 6 months, and had the ability to forgive her, because it wasn't a cognitive choice on her part, but instead the result of her addiction.

All I can say is, study and research the psychology and physiology of infatuations and limerence. It is what got me through the Plan A.

Best of luck

I can't believe that anyone buys this. More taking the blame off the WS for the sake of the BS. It wasn't your absolutely atrocious spouse...not really. It was their brain chemicals.

Yeah, and a crackhead is only responsible for his first hit...after that, it's the chemicals. :RollieEyes:

We've all had "infatuations". I can assure you from personal experience that the effect is nothing like amphetamines, nor does it incapacitate any part of your brain. Being married during such an infatuation does not change brain chemistry.

"All they can do is think about OP"...yeah, except they can still perform their job, pay bills, deal with the kids, lie and deceive their spouse...in other words, they can usually carry on with life as usual, except that they're also cheating.

Keep fooling yourself into thinking this was something that, once they got involved, was more than they could handle.

The chemicals induced by OP are no different than the chemicals induced by any other infatuation since puberty began. I've never been out of control of my faculties due to them.

Yes, addiction is exactly what it can become with some people and in some cases. My W was "friends" for two years before it went physical. She is introverted, and he became her only confidant, advisor, etc.

Her behavior was so reckless and out of character it can only be described as like a heroin addict would act to get that next fix. As she said she was in "fantasyland" and was pursuing her own happiness.

You can argue about the nature and definition and chemistry of addiction, but the reality is it manifests itself like addiction, and the only way to break it is removal from the situation/drug/OM, and time.