O.K. So my wife has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. What the heck am I to do. I will not divorce her because we have two lovely girls who are happy and laugh all the time. But how am I do deal with this. We have seen many counselors in the years we have been married. I get "You better eat your Wheaties!!!"; "She is very demanding"; or "She is very hard to please and you will never be able to meet her needs"; Also, "If this was reversed, people would be telling her to divorce this guy, because it is mental abuse".

I am just hanging tight. Just today she has sent me an e-mail with a contract attached saying I need to sign this. The contract talks about how I need to change and be a better person. It goes back to her not having a lot of self worth and thinking that is only I change, she will start to feel better about herself (this has come from our marriage counselor).

As you can guess, there is a lot more here than I can type out. But boy ... I just love my girls (and yes ... still my wife because I see how her childhood just SUCKED and she is working through it) ... what am I to do. I will not leave her and the girls. The girls do not deserve this at all.

Anyone else deal with this before?

Hey Steve welcome to the site.

BPD is a real big deal. Is your wife honestly willing to get help for it? Does she want to learn to control it? IF so is it sincere? Does she want to learn about the disorder and how it affects her and the people she comes in contact with? I know that the first notion is to stick it out, but if she just wants to pretend that she is ok and nothing is wrong then the worst thing you can do for your children is to stay. However, if she is actively seeking help and counseling it is a different story.

I totally understand what you are going through. My STBXW is other Bi-polar or has BPD. Her family thinks she is bi-polar because it runs throughout her moms side but I am not sure. She refused to get treatment and kept saying that she was fine and I was the one with the issue. That I needed her to have something wrong so I could feel superior. Well lets just say I tried to stick it out and got married and then had to try and keep everything together.

It was the worst 3 years of my life. I wish I could go back in time and never meet her. I know that you understand just how much damage they can do emotional and mentally. You begin to accept a very harmful lifestyle as normal. You just get used to it and numb to all the drama going on around you. Maybe you could handle that but children can not. There are quite a few people here that tried to stick it out with a person that had a mental disorder that refused meds and most if not all are horror stories. Without her totally cooperation and sincerity it WILL RUIN your life and the lives of your kids.

Here is a link for a good site for BPD.
http://www.bpdfamily.com/index.html
I think that you need to register to get full access but it is real good and very informative. Real good article and message board section. I wish you the best.

Hi Steve,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I wish I could tell you what "you" could do, but I haven't checked on that side of the spectrum - only the self-help stuff. My xhusband thought for sure that I had bi-polar disorder, so I told him, "well if I do then lets go get me tested and on meds for it". I was tested and the psychiatrist said that the only thing that I suffered from was extreme anxiety. And said that people that go through what I went through growing up don't usually make it.

Plus I was a self-abuser - the physical pain didn't hurt as bad as the emotional pain I was going through at the time. Thank God for small miracles!! (big to the person receiving!!)

The thing that has helped me more than anything was a hypnotherapist that has been seeing me for the greater part of the past two years. With her help and constancy (something that didn't exhist in my childhood) I have come a LONG way in the healing process. It has been to my advantage that since March of 07, I've only dated twice and focused mostly on school. That gave me the time to also focus on healing and to get through the nightmares that started coming up as the bottled up emotions came up in those dreams. And they touched on each and every issue I went through growing up.

I can't say what will help "you" (google it) but if your wife can learn relaxation and coping skills, it will help her more than anything I can think of. All the meds they tried on me never helped one bit. The only one that ever did me any good at all was a benzodiazapine that I only took under such extreme stress conditions that they would trigger a seizure.

I hope your wife, at some point will (if she's not already) seek relaxation help. And to be honest, I'm sure it would help you some too. All the stress you must be going through is really hard to relax under. The BEST help I've ever found, in all the years I hunted help, was a licensed hypnotherapist. Now when I get upset or angry about something, I stop, take a minute to just relax and try to sort out all the thoughts and emotions goin on in my brain, and then I'm able to respond better to what is going on around me. No seizures - no constant meds since Feb of this year - so it definetely gets better.

I hope you two can find someone or something to help. Best Wishes, and God Bless.

RMW

My mom is likely BPD. I say likely, because she hasn't been diagnosed by a therapist herself, but instead by my three therapists that I've had in my adult years.

From my experience, yes there were lots of laughs and happy times growing up in my house. Yes, my parents were supportive of me and as loving as they knew how to be.

But my legacy from all of this isn't pretty. I know it's just my experience.

By the time I was a pre-teen I was self-injuring
I left for college in an enmeshed/codependent relationship with my parents.
I've been in therapy for about 3 years.
I married an addict (though I didn't know he was an addict when I married him.)
I learned how to be emotionally and verbally abusive. Sadly, I thought that was normal.
I learned that my marriage partner was not entitled to have feelings, wants and desires separate from my own.
I learned it was not safe to trust.

With some families with BPD in it, it happens that systems are OK until the children exert natural desired independence. My mom was hard to live with the summer before I left for college. Our relationship has steadily gotten worse as I've gotten married and after each child I've had.

I finally offer this. I was the golden one in our family. So that meant, that mom complained about dad all the time to me. I think mom said about 10 nice things about dad to me, in 17 years. That's where I learned how to treat men from.

Please don't blow this off and do make sure you get your kids help, even if things are "fine" now.

ETA: I'm surprised that the counselor suggested that your wife's mental health would change with your behavior. That's a road, I would suggest you not travel on.
You are going to kill yourself making your wife happy, and she never may be happy. Then what? You've lost yourself.

Your wife must heal herself. Then you heal the marriage together. You are not responsible for your wife's happiness or lack there of. Only she is.

There's also a book out called "Walking on Eggshells" that you might find useful.

My mom was borderline.

How is she with your children?? I have so many scars from her being abusive etc that it is unbelievable- not outward scars but inward. I was also sexually abused by my stepfather and she was so selfish she chose to believe him over me because she didn't want to lose her lifestyle.

As an adult you have a choice but those children do not.

I would direct you to bpdcentral.com if it's still up. I learned a ton from this website. I was in an online support group there for several years. Do you know what they call them? The narcassistic borderlines? Nada- which is short for not a mama.

I second that emotion. My ex was never diagnosed with BPD but judging from everything I've read about it she should have been.

She is sending you contracts to sign demanding that you change but no matter what you do it will never be enough... unless she gets the help she needs.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It has helped a lot to know that someone else has/is going through this.

And no, I did not sign the contract or leave.

Will just keep working through it.

I believe I may have this Illness after reading the discription...my wife pointed it out to me awhile back and I balked at it..."Im not THAT bad"..etc.etc.etc....now that my wife has essentially thrown in the towel, and I cant undertsnad why she wont except my apology for the 1 billionth time that Ive screwed up...Im scrambling to find out why...and then this smacks me in the face...and it makes so much sense. It may take you leaving, and fully intending to leave if you dont see a change in her, or at least starting the treatment process, thats all you can fairly ask of her at this point, from what I understand, the treatment is full of ups and downs and is a long drawn out ordeal. It took my life leaving to even consider this may be why I keep repeating several relationship destriying behaviors. Anyway, Good luck with your situation...Shes lucky to have you sticking with her...(though to give credit my wife really tried for awhile...I made it too difficult.)

I was married to a woman with BPD(undiagnosed, but it fits really well). It was a nightmare that just kept getting worse. Thank God for her affairs , as they got me off my [censored] and out.
The bpdfamily site really was helpful. One is really messed up for a while after the abuse. You may have no choice but to leave if she will not get help(and, they typically hate getting help).

Someone recently forwarded me a BPD website which advertises a book called Splitting. It says it is for people who are divorcing a BPD or NPD. The short summary really works for my X. I wish I had it way back when. He's done much of what they predict. Just a thought to research. The book says it can help prepare for a divorce.

Steve,

Are you blamed or criticized for everything wrong in the marriage and it makes no logical sense? Are you the focus of rages and alternating periods when your wife acts hateful or very loving? Are you told that you have to change and all the problems are your fault? Are you one day her knight in shining armor and the next day the most evil person in her life?

Having a partner with Borderline Personality Disorder is very challenging and takes special habits and skills to maintain a functioning marriage work. It is estimated that up to 10 million people suffer from this disorder today and the awareness is just starting to become known to the public lately.

Some of the keys to make the relationship survival are for you to understand the dynamics of the disorder and how it effects you and your children. If possible she needs to understand that she may have problems and seeks out therapy that will help her gain control over her life that will lead to a satisfying life for herself and for the relationship with you.

At bpdfamily.com there is a series of articles that will give you a good introduction and understanding of the disorder and one that is especially good to give you insight on managing the relationship with her: http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a107.htm

Many have dealt with the same thing that your are encountering and have turned the marriage into a better relationship for both partners. Some are not as lucky and divorce becomes the issue. Remission and recovery can happen but it is a long term commitment that has to be taken from both of you.

Good luck and best wishes.

larider

www.BPDFamily.com

I'm pretty sure that if she has BPD, the odds of recovery are very low. Not too many want to get help. BPDfamili is a good site to get info on this. Have your read any of the books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells"?

I am getting a divorce from my WW who I definitely believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. I tried to hold on with all my might to end the A, only for her to get pregnant with the OP's child.

Nevertheless I searched out the matter and a good book to read is "Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder"


http://www.amazon.com/Get-Out-Here-...mp;s=books&qid=1228567710&sr=8-6


It is an awesome book to read if you want to understand the thought processes of someone with the mental illness.

Sub

Sorry your WW is pregnant. Are you going for custody of your two daughters?

Did you ever do a full exposure? Plan A?