Alright, he's been in the tropics this week, my biggest fear being she was with him. Today I saw a real estate listing she has where she is scheduled to be at an open house today. Meaning she ISN't with him... Wow, what a relief...

I actually have thought about dropping by, but feel neurotic/obsessive evening thinking about it. So, maybe he's telling the truth - a long planned trip with a bunch of guys golfing in the tropics. He did this once before years ago.

I think I'd really like some feedback from other people on how they stopped obsessing about the other person. How do you deal with the images burned in your mind, and wondering in what ways she filled his needs where I didn't. I've built her up in my mind to be some kind of "perfect" person... and feel completely unable to compete with this. I try to not obsess, and I start feeling confident and sure again, but then there it is - the way he asked if I was running again (she's a runner) and other things that made me feel like he was comparing us. (Am I making something out of nothing?) Wow, do I ever feel emotionally needy... not my usual self, completely unsure and obsessed.

What is obsessive about making sure an untrustworthy person is not harming you behind your back?? I mean, if I think that someone might break into my house, you bet your [censored] I will be "obsessive" about guarding my home. You are SUPPOSED to be obsessive about protecting yourself from RAPE AND PLUNDER. And you should remain that way until the threat is gone.

Remain vigilant, Chryss!

And I am sorry you feel less than the OW right now. That is a pretty much an expected reaction of adultery. It is terrible to ones' ego. But it will go away in time.

Thanks MelodyLane.t I guess I find it so hard to cope with how he went from telling me I'm the only one for him, etc., to seeing someone secretly and not sure what he wants - within a three week period. Three weeks from "I will be here for you whenever you need me", to, "I need my space". She must be something for a reaction like that after ten years together. I've always taken care of myself, been told I'm a beautiful woman, worked towards my Masters and very respected in my field. I owned a restaurant once and can cook really well, renovated my whole house myself, and meeting SF with eachother was never a problem. So, how can a woman (who people tell me I'm three times as attractive as), who has a mediocre career, and who's voice sounds like a barmaid (sorry - not meant to be judgemental) be enough of a lure to pull him away?????? Okay, so high on his list of needs is appreciation and admiration, followed by SF. And I was low on the appreciation, but high on the admiration and SF. So I was low on recreational companionship, but intellectually we fulfilled eachothers needs for communication. We supported each other domestically, and have similar goals in life. Carrying about ten extra pounds these days, but so is he. And I've had two kids and a career (I know - not an excuse for not excercising regularly, but pretty good for mid 40's, I think???) Pass for early thirties easily. Not as much of a social animal as he is, I admit. And I know that's been an issue. I just like to keep my home space mine - a few close intimate people I let in, and the rest I cultivate as acquaintances, of which I have tons. Is that so different from many others. Wow, am I really doing this?? Am I really judging myself against her???? Yes, I am.

This really stinks. I want to erase her from my mind - doesn't exist. Get rid of this knawing feeling in my stomach that someone else is in our intimate life. How do you cope with that???

Chryss, as galling as it sounds, you really need to think carefully about what attracted him to the OW. You say:


My XH left me for a trashy older woman who is a rough talking, hard drinking [jumbo bud in the bottle - "lets go tie one one!"] HOUSE PAINTER. I am much more attractive, more educated and have a great career. But she met his need for ADMIRATION and RC and CONVERSATION. She goes drinkin [jumbo Bud straight outta the bottle] and huntin with him!

Most people do affair DOWN.


Intellectual communication will not compensate for recreational companionship. RC is often a TOP NEED of men, Chryss.

Is your H bothered by your weight?

oh, and she chain smokes More cigars! She is one of those who LOOK like a smoker when you look at her face.

Chryss, you have been dealing with a shaky marriage for YEARS now. Why not do something different? Such as get counseling from Steve HArley or go to a Marriage Builders weekend? It looks like things have gotten continually WORSE since oyu have been here.

Well, with the weight thing, he always said no - he liked that I would carry weight on my chest(men..), but he is very athletic and I'm not. He is forever playing sports, football, golf, volleyball, and muscle tone is great. I'm okay with muscle tone, used to pull off a bikini well (once), but could be better. I'm sure it would make him happier if I were fitter.

As far as recreational companionship, I guess I have failed miserably there. Just don't like football, and it's his favorite thing in the world. I've really tried liking the Sunday game, but, really, just don't get it!!! Why would you want to watch this???? I know, lot's of women do, but I truly find it incredibly boring. A bunch of beer drinking men getting loud and "testosteroney" - endlessly boring. I tend to be more creative - refinishing furniture, gardening, writing music, painting, drawing, cooking. He definitely tries to share that with me. I do give him a lot of credit for that. I just don't get the sports thing. I guess I could try more...
He says that it doesn't bother him that I'm not into sports, but human nature being what it is, I'm sure there are tons of women that would be the whole package AND love sports too.

But do I change myself for him??? I think with her, she molded herself into what he wanted her to be (three weeks, come on, it's easy to "be" someone amazing for three weeks....) He said she had no expectations - how can you not have expectations of eachother after ten years?

Alright, I'm trying to change. But I hate this feeling of being less than her.

Yes, it's been shaky for a long time. When it was good it was amazing, when it was bad, it was bad. I guess financially it's an issue to do a marriage builders weekend/Harley's, etc., and I'm located pretty far away as well. I have an analyst just for me that I should see more. I'm scared she will ask me "why are you wanting this relationship?" And I don't know the answer. I just do. Why?!?!?!?!? A friend tells me that if her spouse was with someone else, that would be it. No turning back. I used to think that way. It was the one thing I'd NEVER forgive.
Here I am, feel like I've sunk to an all time low.

I am not talking about doing something you don't like. That will not solve the problem. There are thousands of recreational activities out there; the trick is finding one you both like.

Do you have any of the MB books?

Do you understand the concept of meeting emotional needs and avoiding lovebusters?

Wow, sounds more like HE'S got some serious issues, then you not meeting his needs. Sounds like you are WAY out of his league. I hope you've found someone great now?

huh? Who would ask this?

Why don't you try to save your marriage, Chryss? You have been here a long time and don't even use the materials at your disposal? Why is that?

You don't have to ante up $2000 for a MB weekend, you could just as easily get counseling with Steve Harley or Dr Chalmers. It runs $195 a session. You won't be going to them forever,but they would give you a PLAN to save your marriage.

Yes, I do understand meeting EN's and avoiding LB's. I'm willing at this point to try to find recreational pursuits that we both enjoy, and have told him this. I'm willing, but just having her in the shadows is what I'm struggling with. Just want her to disappear (I know childish). I've read MB books, and others.

Not childish at all. RATIONAL.

Chryss, what about baseball? (Season doesn't start till April 1, so you can think it over...)

It is a much more intellectual game. Can be boring on TV, but really fun if you can go to any of the professional games! We've made that a family thing, and it took me by surprise how much I like it.

OK, ease yourself into it. Rent "The Natural" and "Field of Dreams" for inspiration.

Thanks MelodyLane and Chrysalis. Baseball might be alright. He almost played professionally long before we met. I could try that. I think I'd actually enjoy going to a major game. Oh, got to run - kids are arguing....

Sports!

I know. We signed up together once years ago to play on a co-ed volleyball team. He's a great player, me not so much. But I thought, what the heck, I enjoyed it in school. Well, one of the other male players on our team was very competitive and every time the ball came near me, he dove for it. In the end, he stepped on my ankle and broke three bones in my foot. That put an end to that for quite a while. Never mind being embarassing, as I sat on the side lines with ice on my foot for an hour trying not to make a big deal of it. My H is also a great skier, and I'm fair at best. And then I took a really bad fall one year and did damage to my shoulder that I still suffer from. I gave up after that, and he seemed to be okay with it. But I would imagine he wouldn't mind a woman that did all of this with him. It's just not my thing.

My ex is a lot like yours. He is a sports nut. I tried my best to do things with him, but it was just exhausting to me. He loved football, on TV and going to games, complete with tailgating. I did that for 10 years, and guess it was bearable because I enjoyed cooking things.

Then there were the football games on TV where we invited people over and I made snacks.

After football, March madness in basketball, and more of the same. We watched BB on TV, live, went to the college games and on and on.

I guess what bothered me the most is that sports took up all of our free time together.

Yes, I can relate to sports taking all of our free time. Every single Saturday morning, the first thing he does is get up and race off to football. Then most Sunday mornings too. I get it that these guys love the sport, but it would be nice if being with ME was a priority now and then. He would say to me that he'd come home and we'd spend the afternoon together, etc., but it wasn't the same. Getting up together when the weekend comes, having a nice breakfast together, coffee, lounge together a bit, just wasn't his thing, and when he did it, it was like he was just biding his time to head out to football. Wow, just thinking about that is unpleasant.

Is it about sports or about being active, Chryss? What about hiking? Or going to a pool where he could swim and you could lounge by the pool and read a book? Or go dancing? Or play billiards and darts? Or go bowling? Or go to a go-cart arcade? If it's about interaction and fun competition, there are many things you could try. If it's doing something physical together for a positive result, maybe paint a room or wash a car. If it really must be sports, could you compromise? Let him do his football by himself while you do your gardending on Saturday making sure to meet up for dinner and a movie in the evening? Then Sunday you watch one game with him and then he does one craft with you?

An example... My H loves to go crabbing. I get nothing from it. Our agreement has become that he drops the pots by himself while take care of the boat trailer and do something else. Sometimes I go with him to pick up the pots. But even if I don't, we clean, cook, and eat them together.