I have been married 10y/9m. Separated several times. Struggling to stay married. I know I have contributed to the problems early on that has lead to the problems now. Unfortunately, what's done is done. My husband is an addict. The longest job he held was at Wal-mart after I threatened divorce, It lasted 3 years. It ended over issues related to his addiction. He has not worked at a job for over 3 months since he quit Wal-mart in January 2003. I work, pay the bills, raise the kids, and ultimately responsible for the house work. I considered myself a single parent in a married household. Because of his addiction and corresponding behaviors, I have taken steps to protect me like opening a single account, putting all bills in my name (since I was paying them, it should be my credit being improved), etc. I have even gotten a restraining order at one point. I do not want to go into why I am not divorcing him, but they are spiritually based. I am open to scripturally based advice on divorce, but at this point God has not given me peace to divorce or even separate from him. He can leave me, but he won't. He leaves for a couple of hours when he mad enough but when he is over it, he wants to come back. I have taken steps to stop enabling his addiction (not giving him money to obtain illegal drugs, not filling legal prescriptions until they are due, calling the police when he engages illegal activities to procure drugs). I have tried separation but his mother enables him and as long as she provides him with the drugs and other necessities, he does nothing to come home. Problem is that she can't provide those to him all the time, because she is an addict also. Her and her husband (not my husband's dad) do not budget their money. They ask him to borrow money from me, for rides, for his prescription medications, etc. She claims to be a Christian and points that out to everybody. She and my husband only bring up the fact they are addicted when faced with the consequences of the disease (in other words, you can't hold me accountable because I am an addict).
Here's the most recent scenario of what I deal with: I need advice on how to deal with this and respect my husband.

My husband was going to get a job. He had to stop taking pills which meant going through withdrawl. First day, he calls me wanting me to leave work so he could go get some pills from his mom (we only have one car, actually its a rental because he got in a wreck in my car, it was at the house waiting to go to the shop but was not legal to drive). It was not unexpected. First I talked to him about the decision he was wanting to make, explaining to him that he would only delay going through withdrawl. He said no, it just wanted to take the edge off. When I realized I would have no influence. I told him that I could not leave work because it would jeopardize my job. Then he threatened to take the wrecked car. So I told him if his mother loved him enough to feed him drugs then she wouldn't mind bringing him the drugs. I ended the conversation and decided to call his mother. I asked her not to give him the pills (which she denied until I told her he told me he had talked with her) and explained that understand she wanted to spare her son from experiencing pain but that she couldn't provide him with enough drugs for him to never experience withdrawl and that she would only delay the pain but that her son would have to experience, better now than later. She said okay. I told her to just tell him that she was mistaken and did not have any to spare. A few minutes later he pissed, demanding to know what I did. I told him. He hung up on me. Over the next 20 minutes, he would call and hang up, make threats. He threatened to take the wrecked car; my response was I would call the cops and report the illegal activity. He threatened to call the insurance company and tell them we were trying to commit fraud and that he was at fault for the wreck. My response was to call his bluff and tell him that I would have to also call the lawyer he hired and explain our current conversation and take steps to ensure my car would be fixed and not hurt by his lies. He backed off after I explained that I would only report the illegal activity if he took the wrecked car so as long as his mother came to bring him the pills and they didn't parade it in my face he could do whatever. His mom would not take my calls after my initial phone call, so I eventually left her a message informing her that I would do whatever would be necessary to protect my husband. His mother wouldn't come to our house after he told her about my threatening to call the cops (it wasn't a threat, I had ever intention of calling and have done so repeatedly). An hour and half later, he calls me and says "We aren't conspiring (I accuse him of this regularly because they wait til the last second to demand my help so I won't have enough time to come up with a reason to say no), but mom and mom's husband's car broke down and they want to know if you will bring me the car so I can go bring them home" It was on my lunch break so I agreed to the request although I was very unhappy because 1) they knew their starter was going out, have had the money to replace it but didn't so they could go to drs and get pills., and 2)because I knew my husband would get pills. His mother did supply him with pills that day and several other days this week. She says thank you, but she bold faced lied to me on the phone and behind my back every time she gives him pills. The next day I called my husband to let him know to tell his mother's husband not to bother to apply at my place of employment because they had enacted a hiring freeze and would not hire outside the agency. My husband got irritated with me because I went into such great detail about the hiring freeze ( but I did this because I knew what his mother would say). Anyway, he told her and she preceded to call me a mean spiteful person because I was gettign back at her from giving him pills. My husband at least this once defended me briefly by forcing her to listen via speaker phone as he called my agency and asked them to explain if someone outside the agency could be hired. They told him no. She was like "oh, I will apologize to her" She hasn't yet. but again today, she called and asked my husband if he could run them to get a starter (my husband and I had already made plans to clean out the laundry room and decorate our Christmas tree; not to mention, my husband doesn't work, has no car, has no money for gas, it all comes from me). Anyway, he asked me. I told him as long as he conserved the gas I didn't mind. And I don't mind helping her, but I do mind the fact that she and her husband act like they have not wronged me. She says thank you with this devilish grin. How can people treat others this way? I understand the addiction and they only care about themselves, but where do I put all this pain they inflict on me? He won't let me cut her out of our family's life (not his just mine and the kids) and even if he would, if I do, she would tell me how mean and spiteful I am and how unChristian I am being. Any thoughts. Sorry for so long. Have had alot pent up inside.

The MB plans don't work with an addict. You need to go to Alanon,
NA or some other self help group.

IP, let me assure you that you are his biggest enabler in this scenario. Just because his mother enables him, doesn't mean it is a good idea to do it yourself. This poor man has been propped up and kept sick all these years by his family members. Y'all have kept him from bottoming out so he would get help. You folks need to do this man a favor and show him the door.

If you hear of him driving drunk, call the police and have him picked up. Doing so may be the thing that saves his life. Waking up in JAIL can be very effective.

For yourself, I would suggest going to Alanon and learning how not to be an enabler. Get your kids to Alateen.

As an alcoholic myself, [23 years sober] I would suggest the kindest and most Christian thing you could do for him would be to kick him out. If he has no one to support him he can live under a bridge for a while. That is excellent medicine for an alcoholic; almost as effective as JAIL.

He's not an alcoholic; he's a drug addict. I have called the cops and when it comes to drug addicts (especially those taking prescription drugs), they only get involved if they can get a major dealer off the street. I know I enable him, but I need Biblical scripture to back up separating from him which I haven't been able to find. I am still trying to figure out how not to enable him without separating from him. It's the choice I have chosen to stick with. I want advice on how to live with the situation. I would go to Alanon if they had meetings near where I live. Thanks anyway though. I just keep spinning my wheels hoping one day I can find the traction to get out.

There is no biblical admonition against separation. There is against DIVORCE, not separation.

However, I would suggest that you check out Alanon.

I find that many spouses of alcoholics/addicts LIKE to keep them SICK because they don't want to lose control over them. They also like the attention they get from feeling victimized. In other words, they are emotionally invested in the status quo which explains their enabling. Many DO NOT really want solutions as you have indicated you do not.

FYI
1 Corinthians 7: 10-11 10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

Separate and divorce come from two different words here; it is not an issue of someone mistranlating a word meant for divorce to separate.

I do want solutions. It is easy to say the spouse of the addicted person does not want help and put the blame on them for someone else's actions. I also accept responsiblity for my own actions. I have choices. I have made my choices. The primary one being that I am to remain married from my husband until death due us part or until I receive peace from God that I can. I put my hope and faith in Him. I continue to study the Bible as well as literature that give insights about scripture and relationships in areas I do not possess. You may very well be right that to completely abandon my husband is the only way to end his addiction. I am keenly aware of that as I seek my answers. Yet my conviction (that I believe comes from God and if I turn away from it would be sin; and I try not to knowing sin as I would be if I turned my back to this conviction) has been that there will be no peace in such abandonment and that divorce nor separation is what God wants me to do right now. I don't understand it; but then no one other God can. I put my faith in the He knows what is going on. And before, you have to say it, I am also aware that what I think is conviction from God may not be. I have free will; God gave it to me. I could be sinning right now because I have read into scripture what I want it to say (you know the fact that spouse of addicted spouse do want a solution so I read into scripture that there is no solution).

I was looking for answers to how to handle my mother-in-law, or any other day to day activities. All I get is leave and you are not the first one. I have only two people who support my conviction (not the decision to stay) because they understand the searching I have put into this and that it is not made lightly. They cannot deny where the conviction came from and they support me in my process to find answers. If I could get to a Alanon meeting I would but their closest one cost more money and time to go and are not scheduled on days and times when I could make it to them it would be a solution. I guess I was hoping maybe this forum could act as a proxy.

I need a place to vent, to be heard, and to receive new info.

http://www.ola-is.org/

I haven't throughly checked this site out, but the link is to an online alanon group.

I have known many addicts, and have abused drugs myself. I don't know anyone who got clean by force. It's a personal choice for recovery, and sadly, a lot of people MUST hit bottom to make the choice to change.

I handled my addiction to cocaine by moving 3000 miles away from the people who supplied it and did it with me. Perhaps a geographical move is in order to get your H away from his enabling parents.

You say he gets his drugs from doctors? Prescriptions are the toughest thing to handle, since they seem benign in that they are legally obtained. Can you share your concerns about his addiction with his doctors? Perhaps if he needs these drugs, they can find a non-addictive alternative.

IP, there is no where in the Bible where it says to stay with a husband, when it against his best interest, when he is abusive. This passage speaks to a normal situation, it doesn't address a sick, abusive man who would be HELPED if you did separate from him. The Bible also says:
That being said, I think you will agree you had no intention of doing anything that might interrupt the status quo anyway. You came here to find out how to change your MIL's enabling, without interrupting your own enabling.

Sorry if you didn't want to hear this, but I am a recovering alcoholic with 23 years sobriety and I know a person who likes the status quo when I see her. It is the rule, rather than the exception.

And it is always demonstrated by a person who complains bitterly about the situation, but will never do anything to change it. There is a never ending supply of excuses why every solution will "not work" for her. If someone really wants change, they effect change...

Sorry you are in this situation, but the solution lies with the lady in the mirror.

Now you do. ME And the thousands of other recovering alcoholics and addicts in AA and NA who were FORCED there by a judge, employer or spouse. We have even had drunks show up under police escort with handcuffs. People get clean real quick when they are in jail. I didn't wake up one morning and magically see the error of my ways, after all. [I was out of my mind] I went to my first AA meeting at the point of a gun like very many others. On April 27, 1985.

Thanks, I went to the site and am going to try it out for awhile. After realizing this site probably held little use for me because it doesn't work with an addicted spouse, I was going to look for a chat room like the one you listed. You made it easy. Thanks again!

Moving away: I got a restraining order once and he moved several states away actually to be with his mom. When her and husband could no longer provide him with a place to live, he showed back up on my doorstep. I let him back in. I enable him. I have taken steps to stop, but the only step I am unwilling to take is to divorce or separate from him.

I have spoken to his doctors; they are aware of his addiction. Some have stopped prescribing altogether; others have not because he does have medical issues that are known to require pain treatment.

I know to others these are just excuses because "I don't really want a solution". Nobody but I know everything I have tried.

Thanks for the site again!