I just found out about his affair a few short weeks ago. I'm very raw right now. He already moved out knowing we can't afford 2 households. He earns 2X as much as I do, but his pre-marital debts and past marriage child support take a huge chunk. Still when we made up our separation budget he is only $100 in the hole while I am $ 400 + in the hole. However, due to original automatic deposit from his paycheck into our jt. acct. when we were living together, married, he is now demanding that I write him a check for almost $500 b/c now there isn't as much JOINT costs since he is living on his own! He justifies by eliminating from our prior jt. acct. the cost of his separate food, misc. , etc. costs that use to come out of our jt. acct, plus his $450 rent. I live in Missouri and don't know if I have the right for spousal support. He is emailing constantly wanting a check from me this week-end! I am putting him off b/c I can't afford a lawyer to find out what my rights are. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but just wants a permanent separation. Obviously, he is spending a lot of his $$ on seeing the OW who lives over 200 miles away.

I would so appreciate a veteran's advice on what I should do. I want to save our marriage. Just read Dr. Dobson's book: Love Must Be Tough, and see this as the needed crisis. Don't want to blow it by being harsh or too demanding.

Thanks you.

Welcome to MB.... You are in the best possible place under the circumstances.

How long have you been married? Any children?

Don't respond to him at all until you get some solid thoughts from way more experienced people on here.

Have you been looking on here for information?

Don't send him anything. He is cheating. He moved out. Don't send him anything unless the courts order it. Also, not sure about your state but my county has an awesome self help center in the county courthouse where you can find the answers that your looking for without consulting an attorney. Do you have kids together? If you do, go to the courthouse and make his rear end pay child support to you.

Sad....

Hey neighbor....(missouri resident myself...)....

Sorry you are here and in the situation you are in.....

First off, just breath.

YOu can't do much when you panick, so you might as well breath.

You ARE in the right place though...

First off...don't give him ANY money. Though I am a little confused. If you all have a joint account, why can't he get to the money???

As far as spousal support, yes, you would have a right to it depending on your situation and circumstances.

Than being said, why don't you give us a full story. How old are you all, any kids, how long have you been married...and how did you find out about the affair???

Put this story in paragraphs PLEASE...it makes reading it easier on the eyes.....

Oh...and the "he doesn't want a divorce, just wants a permanent separation" can be translated to mean...
"I don't want a divorce, but I am addicted to the high I get from boinking POSOW ....but since I am not sure if she is my "true" soulmate I want you to stick around JUST IN CASE..."...

Classic fogbabble around here. You'll learn all about that and more....
Buckle your seatbelt though...its gonna be a wild ride on the "Affairland RollerCoaster".....

((((SICM))))

not2fun

Why is this your problem? SIC, just tell him, "I am sorry, but I can't do that." Leave it at that. Make him go to court and don't give him a penny unless you are court ordered.

Have you exposed the affair?

Is the OW married?

How long married?

Kids?

What does your H do?

What does the OW do?

Queenie....don't sell yourself so short sista.....

not2fun

Give H a simple "No", not right now, regarding the money.

Protect your assets. Your H has chosen to leave the home and has not filed any seperation papers, therefore you owe him nothing.

He is the one who has abandoned you and left the home. Do not let him bully you.

Wow! I can't believe how quickly I am getting support here! I am so very thankful. Thankful to each of you who responded. I am so new to this site...I hardly understand the "texting" codes.
I'm not sure if I am responding to all of you or just Queenie.

Anyway, I am 58. 2nd marriage. Been with WH for 9 years, married for 5 (BTW...he left on our 5th anniversary$). No children together...too OLD!

H works for the University as the Senior Microscopist. Earns $60K. I am just a social worker, w/o the full degree and earn only $28K.

I have no family here. No real friends. H was the love of my life. I willing left all to be with him. Much regret now.

OW is also a microscopist. She has kids. Don't know if she is married. Think she is d. Not sure.

Should I see a lawyer? Anyone know if in the state of MO (now the state of Misery) my situation would warrant spousal support for a permanent separation?

Thank you again! I so need someone, people, to talk to. BTW...i am receiving weekly Christian counseling at MorningStar Counseling Center. what a blessing.

Oh, one more thing: How do I post a profile? Can't figure it out.

Blessings to each of you!

What county do you live in? I live in Boone. But we don't have children together.

What kind of self-help center do you have? What do they offer?

Thank you soooooooooooooooo much!

Possibly....

Ok...do you have any kids???

How did your first marriage end??

not2fun

Can you please elaborate on this?

thanks,

Yes, Queenie...I had an arranged marriage before due to my ethnic culture. That marriage was annulled by the Catholic Church due to 1) It being arranged by my parents when I was only 18 yo and 2) By the fact that my first husband also cheated on me. Biblically, it freed me to marry again w/o the stigma of "adultery."

I truly have loved my current WH. Even though he has been abusive and disrespectful to me for most of our relationshhp. I have never fully felt accepted or loved by him, though he has been a good "H" in many other little ways.

What I am saying is that I never before felt LOVE for anyone like I have for him. Thus, I see and feel that he has been the "love of my life."

Does that help explain/elaborate?

What other ways has he been a good H.

If he is abusive and disrespectful, what is he doing for you that makes you think you feel he is the love of your life?

What did you willing give up all? I still don't get that. Did you give up money, did you give up kids, did you have an A with your WH before you got married? I'm not judging, just trying to understand.

What is your ethnic culture?

I gave up my friends, family, and opportunity to complete my social work degree. I also cashed in my 401K to move here to be with him. My ethnic background is hispanic.

How has he been a good H? That's a very astute Q. Probably I just wanted to believe he was.

I forgot one very important thing: We were BOTH divorced at the time we first met.

ok good on the both divorced. :crosseyedcrazy:

If you just wanted to believe he was, then are you just scared and not sure what to do? Or do you want to save your M and create something that doesn't have abuse in it?

Yes, on both accounts!!

Hopefully the vets like Melodylane and Pepperband will chime in ANY MOMENT...

But how is he abusing you? Physically, emotionally, verbally?

Have you read the stuff on this site?

Over the 9 years I have been with him, he has abused me emotionally (mostly), physically (rarely), verbally (constantly).

Yes, I have been reading most of the MB links. Also just read Dr. Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough. It's helped immensely. I have stopped whining and pleading and crying and have made affirmative statements setting boundaries of respect. So far, his responses are still guarded. And, of course, he wants $$!!

In the marriage, I have been the money manager. Able to save, good with keeping a budget, etc. Whereas he is severely challenged in fiscal responsibility!

Do you go to counseling?

In reading on here what have you learned so far?

Sad, I am headingout to my second AA meeting of the day. Please don't do anything.

Breathe.... like NOT said......

Keep reading online here, stay connected and trust that you are in the safest place possible and there are people on here who care and will help you decide what to do.

I'll check in when I get back..

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SAD}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}