My WW is having A while living at our home. A has been exposed recently. She says she is filing for D. Her car just broke down. I am still in plan A. WW is SAHM with no job. She does receive about $700/month child support for her two children from previous marriages which I never see a dime of. Should I pay for her car repairs?

No. Why would you even consider this? I think your wife may have a personality disorder from what I've read in your other post. She has an incredible sense of entitlement and expecting you to fix her car after cheating like this is clear evidence of same.

Is this so that she can visit OM?

If she asks, you are going to need all the money you have to fight the divorce.

I would file for a legal separation and move to Plan B. Let her figure it out without you.

You appear to be meeting her need for financial support. Stop that, and let the OM do it....if he can! Without that need being fulfilled, you will probably look pretty good in her eyes.

I say, nope. Don't fix the car. And tell her exactly why.


"You are expecting me, as your husband, to fulfill your emotional need for financial support. I have an emotional need for sexual fidelity from you, as my wife. I will not fill your need to have the car fixed. End your affair with the OM, and we will begin to discuss your financial needs."

Also, you need to expose this affair to your families, if you haven't already done so.

SB

PlanA is not plan doormat.

Do not repair car with your money.

I might suggest that you have it towed to a local mech. and tell them you don't want it fixed right now. Ask if they will leave it parked for a while without charging you storage.

As long as your kid is taken care....then no don't pay for it. Make her get the money elsewhere.

I monitored my WW chat with OM last night and they seem to be Lovebusting left and right to each other (result of my exposure from about 3 days ago). OM is telling WW to get a job so that she can leave me quicker and WW is getting upset with OM for being impatient, etc. It's a beautiful thing to witness.

Given this information, would now be an appropriate time to pull the financial support plug? Given that OM & WW are falling out, wouldn't now be a good time to show that I am willing to pay for her car when the OM is telling her to get a job? Me paying for her car could be an opportunity to show a contrast between me and OM. Just thought I'd throw that out there since this is new info about OM and WW having a fight last night...

As I said in the other thread, didn't you say it was a brake problem? Don't your kids ride in that car?

Erich, the principle is that you don't finance the affair. That means you don't pay for a new apartment, etc. However, in this case, you would want to pay for her brakes because it not only meets her need for FS but it REMOVES any obstacles to prevent her from getting a job, SOMETHING SHE DOES NOT WANT. There is no reason to NOT pay for the brakes. You still have to support her. You just don't support the affair.

For the rest of you folks, please go read his other thread. The OM and WW had a huge fight about her getting a job. The WW clearly does not want to get a job but the OM is pushing her to do so. The more he pushes, the more she will back away from him. This is causing REALITY to intrude in a HUGE WAY.

Erich needs to get out of the way while his enemies are destroying each other and fixing the brakes serves that purpose.

Getting her brakes fixed is a strategic move, in your favor, because it will flush out the truth. One of her top needs is financial support and if the OM is hammering her to get a job like he did last night, you can expect much more LOVEBUSTING and FIGHTING!!

But if you don't fix the brakes, you change the subject to what a DEMON that ERICH IS! YOU DON'T WANT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT! You will slow things down because she will say "I can't get a job because my brakes don't work becuase that XSW$@#$ Erich won't fix them!" That buys her cover and changes the focus to ERICH and away from her great discomfort of getting a job.

And see, she NEEDS to demonize you in order to justify her actions.

But if you fix the brakes for her, you are not th

Better to do other things that strike a direct blow against the affair such as cancel her cell phone and take her off your accounts. Fixing the brakes will inflict another blow on the affair, though.

Erich??

I'm bumping this in case you did not get it the first time.

Truly, this like buying bullets for your own assassin. Do not expect return affection for your investment. Right now, you are just a smuck in her eyes.

This seems to be a good example of the confusion about meeting EN's in a plan b and still not enabling the affair. I presume she uses the car as a means of seeing the OM or taliking to him privately , right? How is fixing it not facilitating the affair.
I need to think about the child safety issue, though. That complicates things.

I see you haven't been following his story. Have you considered reading up on his story before you give advice?

I think I see the distinction you are making between financing her affair and fulfilling my responsibility as a father. My kids do ride in that car so I must pay for the new brakes. I won't be viewed a doormat because I'm doing it for my kids, not for her.

Just so everyone know that I'm not being a doormat, I have removed her from all of my credit cards and bank accounts. During our marriage we both agreed that she would use the credit card to make all purchases and I would pay off the card each month. But since I didn't want her maxing out the card and financing her wayward ways, I took her off everything and wrote her a check for what I thought was a fair amount for her to use to continue to buy groceries etc. I told her if she needs more, please talk to me.

I appreciate everyone's feedback and advice. I will pay for the brakes because it is my duty as father, but I will not give her money for anything that could only be used to help her with her adulterous ways.

Oh, she pays for her cell phone with her child support money so I can't cut that off..

imagine, that is not how Plan A works. Plan A is not a quid pro quo where the BS will only meet needs *IF* the WS complies with their wishes. That is blackmail. That AIN'T Plan A. It is a known expectation that the WS will not meet the needs of the BS in plan A. Plan A is supposed to be a demonstration of the willingness to meet the needs of the WS.

That does not mean that BS finances the affair, but the BS does not punish the spouse in Plan A for not meeting his needs by withholding financial support. It is an expectation that the WS WILL NOT meet his needs.

Have some here ever considered READING about Plan A so we can help Erich save his marriage, instead of confusing him with completely NON MARRIAGE BUILDERS ADVICE?

erich, that is exactly what you are supposed to do and is perfectly in line with Plan A. It might be tempting to withhold needed support, but it is not SMART in any way and will harm you and your children.

Melody, did he not report that his wife left to drive around in her car so she could converse with the OM? Did you miss that?

Save your condescension for someone else, M. I have no problem with disagreeing.

Did you not glean that having no brakes did not stop her? And since you haven't read his thread, this is a CYBER affair, she has not met the OM in person. Please take the time to read his story.

Even so, cutting off financial support is not part of Plan A, Zelmo. He is here to learn about Marriage Builders. Having a safe car is a matter of personal safety and he has a moral obligation to ensure the car his wife and children use is not unsafe.

I agree with the kid safety issue. I must have missed the cyber thing. But,look at this woman's history. She is an abuser who uses people.