Hello friends,

I have been married for 5 years,  50 yrs old, previously divorced.My current husband is a great guy except for one thing, he wants another partner, another relationship. Currently he is visiting this potential partner and has communicated to me that it isn't working out. He said he doesn't know why but something is preventing him from going through with it. Perhaps he noticed my distance and unhappiness just before he flew to see her. He also found out that she has an std which turned him off too. 

When he first brought it up within a year of our marriage, I told him that I didn't think I could do it, become a part-time wife. I'm not an overly jealous person, but the life of secrecy in having another partner just seems dishonest and besides, it doesn't feel right to me. Also, he would have a life with her, something that I wouldn't want to share with him. After all, shouldn't I be the one he cherishes?

I wonder if the reason I feel this way is perhaps because I've grown up in a monogamous society and it feels strange. I know there's a lot of people who have more than one partner or wife and live with it. 


In the past weeks he would talk to her in Instant Message throughout the day, which made me uncomfortable but not so much that it caused a great upset. After all, I agreed to allow this out of a love for him because he strongly communicated to me that it is what he needs. He said he had always felt this way, that he needs to have more than one partner. I asked him for a long time, why? He has never given me a straight answer, except one time he said he needs to love more than one woman. I just don't understand him at all.  


This has been such a great conflict with us. In the past each time I tried to bring up the fact that I don't want him to have another partner, he begs and pleads for me to go along with him and I'd give in one more time. But there have been serious problems along the way.  Twice he had written out a settlement of divorce because I didn't want to go along with him. One time he told me I was worthless and that I should leave. These things have hurt me, so much so that I've lost some trust in him and have built up some defenses. It has been hard for me to get over his verbal abuse and threats and I'm feeling angry about the whole thing. He just doesn't want to listen to me about how unhappy I am because of his desire to have another partner. He sloughs it off and tells me how much he loves me, trying to calm my fears.  I guess he's hoping I'll get used to it.



Other than this huge conflict, he has qualities that I admire in him and even though I'm feeling depressed and dejected at the moment, I truly want our marriage to work. But for this to continue, I feel I'm giving up too much of myself and my emotional health. Since he left last Tue. I'm crying all the time and I feel so depressed I have to force myself to get out of bed. Even though he has broken it off with this woman he is visiting, I'm on the edge of my seat with this emotional rollercoaster ride I'll be on again because he'll be looking for someone else after he gets back. 



I've been reading a lot on this web site and feel a bit overwhelmed. A few months back. I tried to get him to read some of the material here, but he refused. I guess it was too much of a threat. Also, when I talk about this I get too emotional and start crying because when I bring the subject up, he sometimes talks to me in such an abrupt and rude manner I start to cry because my feelings are hurt. It's like he goes from Dr. Jekyl to Mr. Hyde, or it's like he's a drug addict and if I try to take it away he gets mean. He becomes callous whenever I try to get him to read anything that would help us resolve this.




He's extremely adamant about going through with it, but I'm about to give up on us. Either that, or learn to live with it. I don't want another divorce, but I don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful. I'm at the end of my rope and looking for a life-line.



Thank you for any suggestions.

Blue,


P.S.If anyone wants to write me directly, my email is blueskyicuATyahooDOTcom (females only please). It would be nice to just share with someone about this - it's been such a burden on me.

bluesky, your emotions and instincts are trying to warn you something is very very wrong and your mind is desperately trying to ignore those ALARMS to no avail. If you don't heed the warnings you are going to end up having a nervous breakdown, my friend.

What your husband is doing to you is plain and simply ABUSE. He is an adulterer and he is abusing you with his infidelity and associating cruelty. Adultery is as traumatic as rape or the death of a child and your H is asking you to accept this abuse as a way of life in order to make you happy?

What kind of H asks his wife to tolerate cruelty and risk her mental health in order to make him happy? A husband who is cruel and thoughtless.

Please listen to your instincts, bluesky, and move to protect yourself. No marriage is worth sacrificing your mental health.

Divorce the idiot. How can he love you, if he wants to sleep with someone else? That is not love. It's selfishness and abuse. You deserve better than that crap.

Really doesn't sound like "a great guy" to me

Thank you all for writing. You are right, I've been doing my best to ignore the alarms. In instant message I've told him how unhappy I am. Just before he left I had him read about the pain I have endured. It was risky because I didn't want him to get angry at me just before he left. I turn into a blubbering mess when he speaks to me so abruptly that I can't talk or even reason with him. I just need to get myself together and try not to cry even when he gets upset. 

I'm trying to figure out why he wants this so much. More than once, he's told me that he has a hard time empathizing with me, that emotions were beaten out of him by his abusive father. He watched him beat his mother several times too. His father was absent a lot and he knows of the many affairs his father would have while he was away. It's ironic, but it sounds like him, though never physically abusive, but he tries to be open about it. It's like because he's being honest and open, it's OK. But it's not Ok because I'm unhappy about it all and I'm tired of giving in and ignoring my heart.

I believe he has learned to disrespect women as a little boy. Yet he says he loves them and wants to protect him. He can be so loving and caring, the Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde syndrome.  

You all may find this surprising but his desire to be with this woman isn't about sex. The woman he was attempting to hook up with is not one bit attactive (I met her once or twice), actually recovering from MS, can't walk very well, so different than him, much older than I, about 65. This is what I find so perplexing about this whole thing. It doesn't matter who she is, body shape, etc,except she has to be a Christian woman and open to this type of 'open' relationship. 

I see how I've been manipulated throughout the years, like a dance of give and take. He is very loving and giving when I give him what he wants and acts like he is crushed or gets mad when I tell him it's not what I want, even begging and pleading for me to give in. Then I do, and it all starts again. 

He's coming home tonight and I told him we need to talk. He said he has been thinking about things. Perhaps he's starting to see reason, we'll see. As I said, this is the only thing that has hurt our relationship and it's a biggie, a deal breaker.I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you all for writing, for making it more clear. I've been a mixed up mess.


Blue

Yet.

From this website:
Many women assume that if they're not being physically abused by their partner, then they're not being abused. That's not necessarily true. You may be in a relationship which is draining something from you -- you might not have recognized that your partner has eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

Something to consider:
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.

Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?


Here's another good websites. See if you recognize yourself in any of it. Lots of good info that may help you when you talk to him.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Thank you catperson,Yes, for railroading discussions. It's like I'm trying to get him to understand my feelings, but he avoids talking about them. The times where I was able to talk about them, he hugs me and tells me he loves me, or gets defensive, abrasive, or ignores them, telling me that he has strong feelings too, about having another partner. I can talk to him about what is bothering me except for this subject.He does not criticize me or humiliate me at all. I feel humiliated when he talks gruffly with me, like he lost respect for me. He undermines my self-esteem by wanting another partner.He doesn't isolate me from family or friends at all. Actually, he has conveyed that I can do what I want, without his permission when he's with the other partner. One time, he even gave me all the property in a settlement, keep his name off of it, kind of a bargaining chip as if to say, you can do what you want, have what you want, as long as I get what I want. I have to admit, it sounds good because I've been under such stress about it all, that I need a break.He doesn't ridicule me for expressing myself, if ignoring me when I'm obviously crying my eyes out because he doesn't have his way or won't listen to me, then I guess that is a form of ridiculing. I'm obviously distressed and there have been a couple of times the he completely ignores me, or shouts at me. Then I shout back because I'm so mad, but I'm careful not to say anything to hurt him personally, just tell him how I feel. We have no debt. We both have equal share in money.It definately swings back and forth, to being close, then distancing. I want to be close, but he won't let me as long he manipulates me in various ways, or he's pathetically begging when I tell him I don't want him to have another partner. I sometimes have sex to make him happy, even though I'm not in the mood at all. I try my best to get into it, but it could be a whole lot better if he connected with me emotionally.I feel trapped in the sense that I'm with someone who doesn't consider my feelings, that his drug is more important. We have a lot in common other than this great conflict of him wanting another partner. I'm afraid to talk to him on that subject. As I said, he can get defensive and mean. I feel some distance but feel free to talk to him about some things. I'm finding that I'm shutting down more and more as time goes by. I'm picking him up at the airport in about an hour. It will be late and I'm not sure if I'll be able to talk to him. I'll be over 2 hours in the car, perhaps it's my chance. I'm first going to tell him that I didn't do well when he was gone - that I cried a lot, then I'll take it from there.Thank you cat person, I'll read the link when I get time alone this week.Blue

Is it possible he's a sex addict? They let their desire for it overcome all reason, all morality, as long as they get it.

Blue, your H is just as bad as a wife beater. Adultery is as traumatic as physical assault. The thing you have to accept is that you cannot change your husband. The best thing you can do is remove yourself from his abuse. You are 50 years old, blue, old enough to know better than this.

UGH!!! Get away from him...there are PLENTY more fish in the sea!

I WOULD NOT put up with on ONGOING affair of his. My H's ones were bad enough, but all were found out after they had ended (‘cept last one, which I ended for him!!!!). and then my revenge ones, which I told him about, he didn’t have to stumble upon like I did his and then have to listen to the blantant lies of his!!

I'm 50 too...and I'd make that my 2nd 1/2 of my new life (and am considering it)...without him, if I were you. He is a control freak, ego-maniac, abusive (and this cheating is just another one of their abusive tactics and control issues), narcissist...like mine...except, now I know, and feel different about him, which is good to finally get to this point..the different part now, is, I don't blindly love and trust him like I used too, and frankly, don't give a damn either - one way or the other~!

Ce sera sera, as they say...what will be will be, and I for one, ain't putting up with one more A nor one more abuse...so far so good...but if so, I told him, this time, his crap will all be thrown out of the 2nd floor bedroom window into the driveway, EVERYTHING, computers and all, and if they break, they break, and if it is raining all his clothes will be soaked and papers, etc, oh well, tough crap, ce sera sera...and then, I will sashay into my lawyers office, and file for immediate divorce.

I am sick sick sick of these men abusing and adultering...who the hell do they think they are? I feel so bad for ou...you are not at my point yet, and we are the same age....I hope you get here soon!Tell him what I said here, if he doesn't get rid of the slut by ____ date Christmas day or something, then him and his belongings will meet the same fate as above stated.

And then find your self a normal man. He is not normal. He is deeply disturbed. Look, life is short...and at our age, even shorter...don't waste ANYMORE of your precious time and energy...move onward and upward...don't let ANYONE disturb your peace...go take yoga...that is what FINALLY made me wake up!!!

God bless.and namaste. xo