Found out 6 weeks ago my H having affair with colleague. Confronted him and, after exposure, he has finished physical affair. Slightly unusual crcumstances - company he works for in administration and due to close down completely by end of Feb 2009. In meantime he still sees colleague occasionally at work. Has been for interviews and potentially has new job but this probably won't start until Feb 09. He stands to lose large bonus if he leaves early.

Knew H unhappy for few months but believed this to be due to the company he worked for failing. Gave him space to work himself out as work has always been a major aspect of his life and now this was threatened. Was always available to listen when he wanted to talk and believed I was doing right thing in backing off to allow him time to 'grieve' over loss of work. Was devasted when found that OW had been getting his attention. She also due to lose job in Feb 09 - so had this in common and also several work projects threw them together. H has always worked in female dominated environment but have never ever, in past, had reason to suspect that he has been unfaithful. Believe this is first time.

Suspect some sort of midlife crisis - he was very unimpressed when I refused to buy a sports car to replace my old one in April 2008 (he has company car so no real choice in what he has). My reasons were valid - I work in an area that is not particulary pretty with known car thieves - and he knew this.

We have had a few problems with our DS(now 16) over last 3 years. He was excluded from school. The new school he was sent to was a 30 mile round trip. I chose to take him there daily as it was the opposite direction to H's work, and also H main wage earner, and my job more adaptable. H has been very supportive during this time but the main care taking has been from me. I know that have had times when I have felt put upon and this has been communicated but on the whole I belived our relationship to be fine. His affair was a bolt out of the blue.

Physical affair supposedly over but obviously is still some contact. H believes himself to still be in love with OW. Affair came to abrupt end when neighbour spotted them kissing in reatil park carpark. Exposure, and fact that OW scared she was going to lose son, cut short the affair. H still in love with her. H told me, 7 weeks ago, that he loves me but not in love with me. Was week after this that I asked him outright whether having affair - how I wished I had not - the pain is unbearable! He still has feeling s for OW, which I understand given that affair stopped abruptly - he told his dad that he ended it(approx 2 weeks ago) as no longer wanted to lie to me and it was now out in open.

To all intents and purposes our relationship is as normal. He comes home from work and tells me about his day, we sit in front of the TV and watch the usual programs, we go out for meals at the weekend and talk about any old rubbish. (He has always gone to soccer mathches etc and some nights out with friends. He has been out a bit more lately but I do know that this is with firends and not OW.) But we sleep in seperate rooms. I am still carrying out all the household tasks as before. I ask him for the occasional hug (which I need) and usually try and give him a peck on the cheek as we part at bed time. I still want to maintain some physical contact - although is obvious he is not overly comfortable with this at the moment. He said originally that he had been falling out of love with me for last couple of years. I look back and find this hard to believe as if this was the case he deserves an oscar for his acting skills.

We have again spoken today. I got the not in love with you comment. Took some heart from the fact he said he'd been falling out of love with me for the last few months (previously he had said couple of years). He says he blames himself for DS's problems as he'd spent more time coaching soccer to other children than spending time with DS and that my unhappiness over last couple of years (due to ferrying DS around etc) had led him to believe that I did not love or need H. I told him that I could not have coped with DS's problems if H had not been there supporting us. And that whatever his perceptions I did love and need him.

Believe H suffering mid-life crisis. He is 43, wanted sports car earlier this year and now had affair. Been married 22 years, together 25. Don't really want to throw this all away. Potential new job over two hours commute and may require him staying away 4/5 nights a week. I'm Ok with this but he seems unsure. He has told DD(18) that he has no intention of leaving with OW (suspect he could not really envision having 8 year old SS especially as he could not wait for our kids to be old enough to leave alone so we could go out). If (when) he does go it will be alone yet he seems worried about having to spend time alone in new town for new job. I said that it would be no different to him moving out to new home alone in town we live in - which also seems to worry him. Also said that if new job panned out, I was happy to move to be with him. Did not push this fact, just stated it.

He is going away with his family for two weeks over xmas and new year - supposedly to think about the future. Whilst not happy with the fact he is away from us over holidays I have accepted that he needs this (I would prefer that it was me going as feel I also need some respite but I feel unable to leave kids).
Am I foolish to hope that his apparent reluctance to live alone means that he may come back. Is his 'not in love with me' really down to the fact that he is still in a fog over OW? I am so confused by his behaviour. I love this man with all my heart and believe his actions to be very out of character. I want to make a go of our marriage and have told him so. He does not think he loves me but he will hold my hand, give me peck on cheek etc, although sometimes reluctantly. He has told DD that he wants to stay friends with me as we get on really well and enjoy each others company but I told him at the time it was all or nothing. I could not stay friends with a man I loved so much - it would kill me to see him with future girlfriends etc.

Am I deluding myself? Is his behaviour normal in this situation? Has anyone else had a similar problem? Most people seem to be in situation where affair is still continuing - I have not found anyone else who is in same boat as me.

I want to save my marriage more than anything but I do not want a man who does not love me. Is he saying he does not love me because it is true? I find this hard to believe - our relationship seemed fine until earlier this year when affair started - we went away for long weekend in September - both had great time although he has since told me this was supposed to be 'make or break' and although we did have great time he did not feel it was enough for him to leave OW at time.

Like many I am so confused. Where do we go from here? Can he love me again? Does he still love me but think that because he still has residual feelings for her he is unable to love me? Any one else had this?

WOW
All pretty much textbook actually.

The key is NO CONTACT. Nothing will improve until he establishes that.

You should also talk with OW's husband.

concur with BigK.

You've given a lot of information but too much of it sounds like your trusting what WH has TOLD you without verifying it.

He could likely still be in contact and taken it underground. I hope I'm wrong but a two-week trip to "find himself" is typically a give away. Are you sure of he's really going with his family???

Further...IF you confirm no contact and undertake to recover your marriage...you can't spend 4 or 5 nights apart. You HAVE TO move with him and getting out of town (where OW still lives) may be just the ticket your recovery needs...a fresh start. Perhaps your son can enroll in the local school there as well which takes away the 30 mile trip.

Anyway...you may have to do some serious snooping to insure the story he is giving you matches reality.

BTW...he hasn't been falling out of love with you "for years". People only claim to "fall out of love" when they have someone else in mind. His "feelings" are fleeting and he should come around AFTER he's been in NC for awhile.

Have you exposed to OW's husband?

Mr. Wondering

First off do not believe his words, watch his actions. I also recommend snooping more and verifying what he has said. Going away for a couple of weeks with his family for the holidays is not a recipe for recovery. I'd bet there will be further contact during that time. He sounds very foggy. He's also rewriting his relationship with you in an attempt to rationalize his actions. He has to make himself believe that he's been falling out of love with you for whatever time period makes him feel better. Heck the next statement you might hear is that he NEVER loved you. But don't despair, they all say things like this. How else can a person live with themself while causing such pain?

What you are going through is very painful. It is a trauma. Treat yourself well. Get rest and eat when you can. Read up on Plan A. This is where you try to meet your WS EN's(emotional needs). If you don't know about these there are articles on this site that will help. Try to eliminate LBs(angry outbursts, selfish demands, etc). It's very hard to do at this point but you want to try to make yourself as attractive as you can. Be a wife any man would want.

Your first step in R is the ending of the A and establishing NC. Seeing the OW on occasion is not NC. It keeps him entwined and pining for her. He has to have complete NC. Only then will he start to think clearer and see the damage he has done.

Living apart from him will not make a good M possible. You will have to live with him to R. And R takes years, usually 2+ years. It's a marathon and it is difficult. But your first step has to be destroying the A. So verify and don't believe his words.