I am writing here for advice. I’d like to hear from those that have had affairs, and get your opinion. I know I need help, and I’m really tempted to have an affair myself.
I fully expect a tongue lashing when I’m done, I know my thinking is flawed, this is why im trying to weigh my actions before hand. I must admit however, that these are my true feelings..


Here's My story.
My wife and I are in our early 40's been married for 20 years. I dated some but got married very young. My wife and I are very religious. When we were first married, a doctor told my wife that she would a hard time getting pregnant, and since we knew we wanted kids, we didn't worry about birth control, so, got pregnant after 2 months marriage.
We have always had a good sex life, and its even good now. Well, we just kept having kids, about every 2 years.. We have a total of 8 now. 2 are college aged.. 6 at home. Never intended to have 8 kids, it just happened that way. My wife loves being a mom. Loves her kids..

My wife is in Great shape, works out every day, and is pretty.
I have always second guessed my choice in a wife, probably because I didn’t date too much before meeting her.. She's very complete as a woman. Far as intimacy, she’s every guys dream. But I do tend to compare her with other women, wish she had bigger perkier breasts, tighter tummy etc. I know its shallow, but Its how I feel.

I must admit, that fatherhood has never come easy. I have a real hard time making myself spend time with my kids. Ive never really enjoyed my kids like I should. My oldest boy (20) has been a real hard, and caused some strain over the years. I must also admit that I often resent the kids, as its always a mess to clean up at our home, always something broken, It seems I am often chasing my tail. They also take away my wife’s attention, as all kids do.



There is really nothing wrong with my wife, but my logical mind constantly analyzes the thought, that how can you know if you married right, unless you date 1000's of women. Which I didn’t. Ive often had a hard time in being attracted to my wife, even though I know from others that she’s a good looking woman. Weird I know.

Bottom line is, Im very bored all the time. My wife is fun, I just don't enjoy having fun with her. I'll go through periods of time, when I really try to devote myself to her, and I must admit things do get a little better, but not enough for me.

So, the basic feeling I constantly have is, I’m stuck. I just don’t feel like my life has turned out like Id dreamed of. (She prob feels similar) I dream about meeting some girl that takes my breath away, the newness of it all. I cant help but think that my wife would have been happier with someone else, and me too.

So, my mind plays the idea, "Would divorce be so bad?" "Would it be worth it in the end, others have done it?", "If I’m not that involved with my kids anyway, would they even know I was gone?"

I mean, you only live once, right? is this what life is, just settling? Ive looked at dating sites, (Not made any contact at all) but just looked. I see exotic women with 1-2 kids (seems manageable).. And I fantasize about possibilities.. Its like having a mental affair, weird. Ive never ever made contact with any other women, I just think about it.. Im afraid of what it could turn into.


But then, I consider the facts..

1. It will be expensive to start over. (Don’t care as much about this one)

2. My kids will be devastated. (Maybe not) Probably the biggest one.., but maybe it will subside over time ?

3. My wife will get remarried, and will I regret my choice?

4. My family and friends will call my a louse. Shouldn’t care what others think, but I do.

5. Will my 2nd wife have baggage? More than my first? But maybe she will be so nice looking, that I can just stare at her all day


So, I’m sure by now there will be many that will chime in and say "Hey you idiot" "Wake up!"

How do I learn how good I really have it, with out loosing it? It sounds easy, but I cant seem to find contentment in my situation.

Some will say to work on rekindling the love, but what if you never have felt that you are in love? Arent you at least supposed to feel fireworks in the beginning?



Confused.

OMG

INCOMING


DUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think just about everyone I know has had the same thoughts you are having.

You are an idiot.

You asked for it, and I can call you that, because I've been an idiot for thinking those thoughts, too.


Your kids would not get over it. Because they would not forgive you for divorcing their mother for no good reason. They would recognize the selfish nature of your actions, and wonder how a man they knew as a good and righteous man could fall so far from the path he was on to one of stupidity and darkness.

You say fatherhood never came easy. I don't have 8 kids, I have 2. And motherhood didn't come easy - and I don't think anyone would say it came easy, either. Not one child enters this world with directions attached. Nobody has special training in parenting for that one child they are given who vomits at 2 am when they are tired and have a big meeting in the morning. And I don't care who you are or what degree you have, it isn't easy when a kid pees on your work clothes 2 minutes before you are supposed to go out the front door. But are you telling me that your kids would not "care"?????? I call bullsh!!!!!t so loudly on that one that I don't even need a megaphone.

And you would care about how they felt - because if you had an affair, your image with them would be tossed into the toilet so fast you wouldn't believe it. You wouldn't want to face them, and you wouldn't know what to say. You know it, and you are a liar if you try to say that isn't true.

I love the line you use about your wife, "I know from others that she’s a good looking woman". That's rich. You know dam good and well she's a good looking woman. You are just trying to justify your attempts/fantasies to sleep with another woman. Plain and simple. You are lying, and lying to try to make it easier to sleep with someone else. It isn't pretty, is it, to have that tossed back in your face?


Your life hasn't turned out like you dreamed it would. Wowsers. Nobody's has - at least just about nobody's has. We all grow up believing we will do this or that, be wealthy, be famous, be successful, and then we find out we are 45 and we are regular folks working regular jobs living in regular houses with regular lives. It's just regular to have these thoughts, and not special. You think the other woman you are fantasizing about is special. She's not. She is also regular.


Read the threads here written by newly betrayed wives. Move your fantasy there - and fantasize that your wife is one of them.

Better yet, move your fantasy over to one of the threads of the betrayed HUSBANDS. Because here's the reality, TH: If you are as self-centered as you come off, chances are, your WIFE is pretty unhappy in your marriage. You may very well be on the verge of losing your wife - ever think about that?

You spend your time online looking at other women.
You criticize your wife for not being enough for you.
You fail to recognize how valuable your wife is in your life.
You fail to appreciate the true worth of your family.
You do not put in the time it takes to build your marriage.
You don't look at what it would take to fulfill your wife's needs in the marriage, just YOUR OWN.

Sounds to me like your wife is the one who is being neglected, not you.


Maybe your point of view in the marriage ought to change from "what's in it for me" to "what can I do to fix the mess I've made" pretty quickly.

IMHO,
SB

You don't have to have felt fireworks in order to fall in love. My H and I are in love and we didn't ever have fireworks. We have fireworks now.

I would explore that before you destroy your childrens lives because you are "bored." That is a little scary that you would be willing to do that to innocent little kids for such a silly, selfish reason. How did you plan on explaining this to them?

'hey kiddos! I am going to destroy your lives and mar you psychologically for life because I am bored! I hope you will be happy for me, kiddos!"

Does that sound sort of unmanly and creepy? I don't envision a very manly guy doing that to his kids.

That is not the kind of lesson that any sane person wants to teach a kid, is it? What if your 16 yr old gets bored with high school and decides to blow up the school? Is that ok? You are teaching your kids that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy" or relieves boredom.

Do you not feel any sort of obligation to raise and protect your children from your pursuit of interesing activities? Or are they mere sacrifices on your alter of pleasure?

Wow, you hit me with both guns and i deserved it.

Selfish? Yes.
Self centered? Guilty as charged.

I know all of that, I don't like it.

In a fog? Yes, I am.

Really, I dont want to hurt anyone.. I just wish I could wind back the clock, and I cant. Im in my 40's and my life is half over, and Yes I feel stuck.


Thanks for your post..you are right, I need to get outside of myself.. Good advice..

Right now you will have a HARD time convincing me of this. Where in your religion does it say adultery is okay???

Find me the scripture that says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless of course you are ill-content with your wife or life"???

and I guess I missed the passage where God tells us,,"Thou ist okay to abandon your wife and children that I have blessed you with, because there are other fish in the sea"

You are really making a mockery of God and your religion by saying you are VERY RELIGIOUS but I want to have an affair.....

Get yourself to your priest, pastor,bishop, or who ever leads your church and tell them what you are thinking of doing. YOu need accountablity and help.....TODAY.....

BTW....I am pretty darn positive your WIFE did not have those kids on her own....get some help on how to parent.....

not2fun

I guess that's one thing im not so sure about.. I really dont think my kids would miss me much.. Maybe Im wrong..

right now, Im questioning everything.

You forgot UNMANLY. A sign of character is controlling one's urges instead of allowing one's urges to control him. Boys can't control their urges. A man of character protects his family, he doesn't sacrifice his own children so he can get off. yuck

And what is the answer? Where does it say in any religion that adultery is ok?

No matter where you go...

there you'll be.


Instead of doing something...with your wife and family to fix your boredom and mid-life depression, you're succumbing to a life of fantasy and what-if's.

It's a mistake.

Our sermon at Church was on this topic last Wednesday. Our minister spoke of how tiring the effort is trying to be a good person for others. The putting on of appearances. Saying "I'm fine", instead of taking off the mask and revealling to all that you are, like many others, a tortured human that regularly sins. There is no peace in trying to please everyone. Instead one is to find grace in trusting God. Turn these worries and thoughts you have over to God and trust that He is big enough to handle them. Turn your happiness over to Him and trust that He will insure it or not according to His plan, not yours. When you release this burden onto him...you'll find peace in your life and perhaps, only then, be able to look around and take stock of all your blessings. 8 healthy children and a lovely wife and mother.

What more could you possible want??

Godspeed.

Mr. Wondering

Awww, you don't say?! Your wife has given birth to EIGHT of your children, who you impregnated her with, and somehow her breasts are not as perky as they once were, and her tummy isn't as tight? Wow, shallow is putting it mildly.

Let me ask you a question, TH. Do you look at porn?

It looks to me as though there is already somebody around that ThinkingHard is thinking about cheating with. Maybe some cute young thing at work who is looking to snag a man who maybe earns a good living (and she's not thinking about his having to pay child support for all the kids!).

ThinkingHard, if there is some gal in the bushes that you are thinking about doing, what you need to do is get away from her FAST and focus on your wife.

You say that your wife works out and takes care of her body, yet complain about her stomach not being tight. Well, after a woman has given birth to 8 kids, it's a wonder she has any stomach muscles left at all! And, BTW, do YOU have 6-pack abs?

You haven't interacted much with your kids? Well, it's about time you started! You might be pleasantly surprised to find that you have some great kids that anyone would be proud to have. Get to know your kids, ThinkingHard. You didn't do anything to NOT have them, so you need to man up and be a real father to them! So what if your oldest son was a hard one? Ever think it might have been the result of not having an ACTIVE and caring father in his life? Heck, my DD was also a hard one, (no serious trouble other than her marrying a loser, divorcing him, and then trying to become an OW, which I busted up really quick!) We get along great now! I love her to pieces!

So, get out of the mentality that you deserve "more" than what you have. It sounds as if you have a wonderful wife, and you'd better pay attention to her needs or you might eventually lose her. I'd bet that she is pretty unsatisfied with you, too; so, work on becoming the husband SHE deserves, and you might be pleasantly surprised!

Ok,
Im not getting it..
I came here and was 100% honest with you. I told you I KNOW its misaligned thinking..

I'm looking for tools that I can use to get right.. I expected some lashing, but come on.

Maybe posting here wasn't such a good idea.

Wouldn't you rather help someone avoid a tragedy than to try to resurrect one?

No, just some women that I casually come in contact with. I never flirt etc. Tempted? Yes.




We are both in nice shape, yes.



Everything else you said is true.

So.... Porn? YES or NO?

OK, here are a couple of tools for you. Stop looking at any porn or "dating sites" and end any interaction with other women. Try this for a month; any time you are tempted to do either of those things, go spend some extra time with your wife and children. I GUARANTEE you that within 30 days your wife will look much better to you.

Another suggestion...


Take your wife to see the movie Fireproof or rent it if it's available.

Then...tell her you've looked at Porn on the internet and wish to stop...completely...and would like her to help you do it (without having to destroy the computer completely).

Install a keylogger program that sends all your computer activities to her secure email along with the occasional screen shot.

Temptation solved. Your wife is your accountability partner.

Further...you commit to living your life as though your wife is videotaping and reviewing ALL your interations and activities.

Mr. Wondering

Porn isn't a problem, its all of the women in the world I see.
I have looked at dating sites in the past, I wouldn't call it porn. Does fuel fantasy though.

Excellent suggestions!