I wish I'd found this site earlier, maybe I wouldn't have made so many mistakes. But here I am, and I don't know what else to do.

I found out about a month ago that my wife was having an online affair with a man who'd been her "friend" for a while. When I talked to her about it, she insisted they were just friends and that they had flirted a bit and it had gotten a bit out of hand, but that was it. I believed her, but needed more, and she wasn't very forthcoming. So I searched her computer and found logs of their conversations. There was cybersex, talk of them having phone sex, etc. Checking her phone records I found tons of long calls at all hours of the day and night. I tried talking to her about it some more, but she just said that it was over and it'd never happen again (all the logs were from before I'd discovered the affair, so I had no recent info to go on). Once again, I tried to work things out with her. But she refused to give him up as a friend.

Some more background: About a year ago, I had to move out and take a job about 5 hours from home. I live by myself in an apartment while she lives in the house with the kids. I go down on weekends to visit. It has been a strain for both of us, but I was out of work, almost out of unemployment, and our home town had no jobs for me. So I did what I had to and it was a strain for both of us. She said I'd grown distant, and she ended up falling in love with her "friend" because he was there for her, and that now she doesn't love me, and she loves him instead. Even though he's 10 years younger, lives 2000 miles away, is married with 2 kids, and drives a truck so is only home 2 days every 3 weeks or so. But he can talk on the phone all day long, and can talk on the computer when he's at a truck stop with wi-fi. She says that she can't trust me to be there for her because I frequently am not (and I admit I'm a pretty poor conversationalist most of the time). There are other issues that have always been trouble with us (she's a Christian, I'm not, although I am usually the one getting the kids up and dressed for church while she lays in bed until 10 minutes before it's time to leave).

Anyway, so I told her that in order for our relationship to work, she had to give him up. She said she wouldn't. I asked her to try it just for the 5 days that I was home for Thanksgiving. She asked me on Thanksgiving if she could call him. She called him Friday to tell him she was going to try to work on things with me. She called him Saturday without telling me. And she called him Sunday as soon as I left the house to drive up north. So I told her I wouldn't talk to her until she left him (this was after I found out via a keylogger that I put on her computer that she was planning phone sex with him for when he left on his next truck route). Unfortunately, that had the opposite effect and made her go back to loving him, even though she had tried to be "just friends" for a time.

Now I'm in the poor position of trying to work things out with a woman who doesn't love me, who still loves her fantasy lover, and who isn't sure if she wants to work things out with me or not. Is my relationship doomed to fail because she doesn't know if she wants it to or not? He's away in Mexico this week for his brother's wedding and I'd hoped they'd be out of contact, but I intercepted an email she sent to him and she's still calling him her lover, and telling him she loves him.

I can't keep going through the torture of being the guy who does the dirty work (taking care of the house, providing for my family, etc.) while he gets all the love and attention and affection. But I don't want to give up if there's some hope. I know I can't be the husband that she really wants, but I have been trying really hard to be the best husband that I can especially under the current circumstances. Is there anything I can do that might work? I see people talking about exposure, but when I told her that I was going to tell his wife, she said she'd never speak to me again if I did. I know I've made a lot of wrong turns here. Is there someone who can help me get back on track?

Thanks

Exposure is about massive revelation. Yes, everyone: Her pastor, her family your kids, OM, OM's place of work, OMW, his famiy. Do you get the idea?

You never threaten, you just do it.

Your WW does NOT get to be consulted as to the steps that you take. OH YES, she will be angry and say that it is over, yada, yada.

The point is that as long as she is in contact with OM, the marriage is doomed. The fantasy NEEDS to be destroyed before restoration can take place.

Get your copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

Document all her posts and do these things NOW. The earlier the exposure the better...

Hi Skane,

I feel your pain. My wife is chatting online with her lover in the next room over as I type this. I'm pretty new here to but there are some very experienced people that will help you take some control over the situation.

Some things that you can do are read up on Plan A and Plan B and go to the library and definitely check out the book by Willard Harley called "Surviving An Affair."

Everyone is going to encourage you to expose the affair. I was a wussy about this one too, but your marriage is probably over anyway unless you start trying to attack the affair.

I exposed the affair to my wife's parents, her siblings, the other guy and his sister about 3 or 4 days ago and it has definitely ruined the fantasy aspect of my wife's affair and even got them arguing with each other! It's not over yet but I am preparing to expose even further if their affair doesn't end within a couple more days.

I would say that you definitely need to move back together to have a chance at working things out. Can you start looking for work back in your hometown or consider moving your family to where you are?

Thanks for the responses.

I would love to expose the affair to his wife. Unfortunately, they're in Mexico for a week, and I only have her home phone number. So I'll have to wait a week for that part. And the only other person I think would have much of an effect, her mother, already knows. She told her over Thanksgiving to ask for help. And her mother told her that she had to first get things straight with God. Now, as I said I'm not a Christian, but I have read the bible and I already know what it says about our situation. Unfortunately, it seems as if my wife is trying to find a loophole or some way to continue the affair despite what she knows is the only answer.

Anyway, I have been looking for work down there since I moved up here. And they could possibly live with me, but my wife won't give up her job down there, and I only have a small apartment, and we homeschool our 4 kids, and can't get our house sold, so it made more sense for them to live there for the time being (I was supposed to be on a 6 month contract. Been there for 10 months. Nice to have work, but not if it costs me my family).

Thanks for the encouragement. I'll go look for the book tomorrow night, and I'll plan on calling his wife as soon as they get into town. I think that'd be the best person to talk to. Well, actually there's also an online game that they play together, so I can tell everyone on the game about it. I used to play, too, but I quit. Guess it's time to start playing again. Should I wait until I tell his wife, first? Or just start telling people? I want to wait and tell her first, but I don't want to let things get too far before I do.

The rule of thumb is that you tell EVERYONE AT ONCE. I was advised to think of exposing as dropping a nuclear bomb on the affair instead of a little here and there exposing...

I've dropped one bomb on my wife's affair by exposing to other man's sister, wife's parents, wife's siblings, and our religious leader. This was a pretty good start, but if the affair still doesn't end, I'm dropping bomb number two on: Other man's parents (need to research their phone number), his co-workers (need research here to), and our children. Ideally all of these would have been done the first time but I didn't have other man's parent's phone numbers or know where he works and I didn't want to wait any longer before exposing.

I was told to go to intellius.com to find info on the other man's family. It costs $50 but it should be worth it.

My wife was so upset when I exposed her and set up boundaries at home that she complained to her "lover" and almost scared him away last night. I think their affair is crumbling but it may take that second nuke to speed things up...

Thanks. I'll hold off then, and hope that things don't get any worse, since he's not where they can talk regularly.

Although she just recorded a song for him on an online karaoke site.

And sorry to hear that you're in the same boat. I hope things work out for you (and all of us).

I would use this time to put together your strategy so that when you act, it will be well thought out and masterfully orchestrated. I didn't just jump into exposure without putting a plan together. I read a good chunk of "Surviving an Affair," read other posts, and planned. But you definitely don't want to plan for too long because I think it is true that the earlier you expose and bust up the affair, the better.

I feel so much better now that I've enacted my plan. Before, I felt hopeless and out of control. Now I have a plan of attack and it feels very nice to be more in control of the situation and to actually see these things start to work.

Your plan should be two-fold (some people here call it the carrot and the stick):

1) DESTROY THE AFFAIR (BEAT IT WITH A STICK, SO TO SPEAK)
2) Love your wife by meeting her most important emotional needs (the carrot)

You need to do both effectively for you to save your marriage.

Oh brother.. She's in such a fantasy land right now. Exposure will cure that pretty nicely.

My wife bought the other guy a plant among other things. She made a tagged.com profile with her and him kissing each other in multiple photos for the world to see.

As part of my exposure, I emailed about 10 of my wife's siblings (she is #11 of 16 kids...) with a link to my wife's adulterous profile. My wife's siblings were not impressed with my wife AT ALL. Of course, my wife changed the pictures as quickly as possible to avoid further embarrassment. Her fantasy came crashing down like a house of cards.

Can you get a copy of this karaoke song and page link just in case you need to use it as evidence?

Skane

Listen to Erichh. He was floundering a few short days previously. But unlike many of the posters that come here in their BS fog. HE PAID ATTENTION.

This can be the difference between win or lose. Think about it. Who would YOU want to land the plane, YOU or the PILOT.

Be cautious. Do your homework as well. Use Marriage Builder principles only.

There is definitely hope for your marriage.

Most WW (wayward wives) say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "We married for all the wrong reasons" and "I haven't loved you for a long time now" - it's uncanny how similar they are. For now, don't listen to her words. It's hard, but do your best. Focus on YOU and getting a plan for YOU.

Your plan should include:

Exposure. Expose all at once and without warning to OM's W, your WW's parents, siblings, best friends, sunday school class... anyone who might have influence over the affair and encourage her to end it. When you expose, just be factual and to the point: "WW is having an affair with OM. I am committed to doing everything in my power to repair our M and be a better husband. I'd appreciate your support and any advice you can offer."

Don't expect folks to call her up and chew her out. Most will prefer to keep their nose out of other peoples' private business. But rest assured that they will interact with your WW in subtly different ways, and she will notice. And of course OM's W will definitely do what she can to break up the A.

Expect your WW to be furious. You will hear a lot of rantings and ravings which again are freakishly similar in all exposure situations. She might say "I was going to break it off and work things out with you, but you've blown any chance of that" and "You're so controlling, I have to get out of this M" and "How can I ever trust you again?" (that last is one of my personal faves, BTW). Keep in mind that her anger is temporary and your marriage can survive a temper tantrum. The temper tantrum is actually a good thing, because it shows that your W is now very unhappy with her decision to engage in an affair. Suddenly her "very special friendship" isn't quite as lovely and attractive as she had convinced herself it was. Just hunker down, endure the wrath, find humor in her typical crazy rantings, and know that her anger is a good sign.

Plan A - this means figuring out your wife's top ENs and learning to meet them. It also means avoiding LBs (love busters). You already know that one of your WW's top ENs is conversation. Start emailing her, texting her, send her little cards, call her on the phone often for no reason in particular... just to share something funny you saw or something interesting that happened. It can be as mundane as a weird bug or a cool frost pattern on the windshield. The key here is that your WW bonds with other people through conversation. When you learn to use conversation to interweave your every-day normal life with hers, she will feel loving toward you. When you fail to share your life verbally, she feels distant, alone, and forgotten.

What are two of her other top ENs?

You also need to figure out which LBs you do and get rid of them. One of the hardest, IMO, is the Disrespectful Judgment, or DJ. That is one tricky little bugger to catch so read about it, and think about your interactions with your WW and look for DJs. Practice, practice, practice. One LB can undo a whole lot of EN-meeting. I've seen it described as trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. It's impossible. You keep tossing in ENs but the LB (the hole in the bottom) undoes all your hard work. So learn to recognize LBs and get rid of them.

What kind of job does your wife have that allows her to homeschool four children?
Can that job not be moved to where you are?

Sorry for the multiple replies, I keep realizing I forgot to say something that caught my attention as I read your thread.


But WHO told your MIL? If YOU didn't tell her, then you can't consider it a proper exposure. Anyone your WW tells is probably hearing something along the lines of "Skane and I are having problems, and have been for a long time. I've tried everything I know but he's cold and distant. He's controlling and angry all the time. I've talked to him but it does no good, he simply doesn't care. Fortunately I've got some good friends to help me through this, and I'm especially lucky to have OM as a friend because he genuinely wants what's best for me and can offer a man's perspective on things."

That version of the truth is probably a little different from your version, huh?

YOU need to do the exposing.

Thanks for the added info.

I guess what I did last night was an LB. I texted her to see if she was awake to talk about the song she sang, which I had assumed was to him since he is in Mexico and the song was about missing someone and wanting them to be there. I got no response so I assumed she was somehow talking to him, so I texted her that I would probably check up on her in the morning (via phone records). She finally called me back to say that she knew the song she sang would sound hurtful to me, but that it was just a song and was in no way directed toward him. I don't know if I can believe that or not, but I don't want to judge something that I don't have factual proof about. She also got very upset about me wanting to check up on her. She feels that when I "spy" on her, I'm the one working to the end of the relationship. And admittedly I did say that I'd talk to her when I felt this way. But I guess telling her that "I'd probably check up on her" was more hurtful than saying "I felt like I needed to check up on you, but wanted to talk to you about it instead."

I have tried meeting her emotional needs as best I can. Unfortunately, when I first started doing it, she was still in the affair (though she said it was done). So when I started calling her a lot more, she said that it felt like I was smothering her. That was the night that later on from my apartment I found out that she had been talking to him on line since I'd left, and that she was planning to call him for phone sex the next night after he got on the road.

I have been trying very hard to be conversational. I think that's going to be the primary emotional need I can meet. I think another big one is that she likes to do outdoor stuff. That's kind of hard with the weather the way it is, and us having to do a lot of work while I'm down there on the weekends to get our house in sellable condition.

She's also had cybersex with quite a few guys, but she says this one is the only one that "meant anything" (though she admits they were all hurtful to me and wrong). She has mentioned several times that my libido is not quite what she would like. Though about 2 years ago we went away for a weekend and really reconnected. I felt that our sex life was great for quite a while. She also complains that when I'm home on the weekend, it seems like I only want to have sex and work on the house (even though she also said that she was tired of having to be the only one working on the house during the week). So I can't make heads or tails of what she really wants or needs. We still have a lot of work to do in that area, but I'm ready willing and (mostly) able to do it. I've got an extra day at home every week now if I want it (my work normally doesn't let contractors work from home, but they made an exception for me to help my marriage).

And yeah, it was her who told her mom about the affair. She used to be very religious, and that's one of our conflicts. I'm a non-believer. She knew this when we got married. She even made the choice to not get married at her church because she didn't want to go through their mandatory marriage counselling because she knew they'd tell her we shouldn't get married. So I'll never be able to meet her needs spiritually, and I try to make up for it as much as possible by trying to make sure we get to church as often as possible. But in the last month, I have been 3 times with the kids, and she has been once.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'm going to order the book since I can't find it in any local stores or in my library's online search. And next week once he and his wife are back from their trip, I will expose everything. Actually, the big chicken in me hopes he comes back and tells my WW that he worked things out with his wife, and is done with the affair.

Then I'm still left with the problem of how to get my wife to love me again, or feel like she can invest in me emotionally and feel like I'll be there for her. I wish everything could happen quickly, but I've looked at some of the other threads on here with some of them starting at the beginning of the year, and I realize that this is going to be my life for a long time.