Hey There,

I'm a new poster - and I'm having a problem with myself regarding my marriage. We've been married for about 2 years now - yes newlyweds! It worries me that I'm having issues with fidelity already. While I have not done anything yet - I seem to go out of my way at times to make connections with old boyfriends or flirt around a lot with guys I know online. Once one of these flirtings got a little serious and I was this close to going out and meeting the guy. At the time at least I can say that my husband was working a lot and most of the time he would come home - go on his computer - and either ignore me or be really just irritable. He found out about the little online affair by checking my cell phone's text messages, and I told him about it. By the time he found out me and this guy had broken it off anyway, but still. I didn't even know what to say to my husband. He trusts me implicitly and his response was not one of anger, but one of like disappointment, shock, and sadness.

So, things have been great with my husband for awhile now, I mean he is quite seriously the perfect guy! I have no idea why I have these urges to want to be with someone else. I even have dreams about it, and half the time the dreams compulse me to want to do something about it in real life. I don't understand why I do this. I mean a happily married woman should not want to find someone else....or even have an affair. This is my first marriage and it was intended to be my last...so like what the hell is wrong with me?

Has anyone ever dealt with this flirting of the affair kind of thing? If so, please tell me what you did, or how you avoided it, because sometimes the urge is so strong, and I have no idea why it's even there in the first place. It's driving me insane.

The MB article here will explain that we are all predisposed to infidelity.

The question is - how do we deal with it?

The answer here is - radical honesty.

Continue to read the articles on Policy Of Joint Agreement and Emotional Needs.

If you are serious about preserving your marriage, read books like "Fall in Love, Stay in Love"

Start reading "Articles"

c177,

I'm going to guess you are young.


I've been there before. I'll tell you my story, about being your age, and what I did, and what it did to me and my life. Maybe it will stick in your mind, maybe not. Here goes.


I got married at the age of 18. My husband and I were very much in love. It was the 70's, and the idea was back then that there was "free love". We were of the generation that believed that sex was sex, and it was somehow separate from other things - and could successfully be had outside of a marriage without damage to the marriage.

I became attracted to a man who worked with my mother. I was 19, he was probably around 25 or 26. He was young and good-looking, but to me he seemed to be the “older man”. I went back a few times to meet up with him, and couldn't get him out of my mind. There was no emotional attraction whatsoever - just physical. I don't know what I was thinking, but I do know that at the same time in my marriage my H was wanting to have an "open marriage", so maybe that was an influence. Not an excuse - influence of thought process.

I ended up meeting "Joe" for sex. Went to his house after work. And had a ONS with him. Then, I went home to face my H.

I immediately told my H, because, after all, this wasn't "anything", now was it? I had been convinced by my H, by the people we hung around with, and sort of convinced by myself that this wouldn’t really matter. But, then, why did I feel guilty? And why.......did my H look like I stabbed him in the heart? It really DID matter, that’s why. AND I KNEW THIS FROM THE START – I HAD BEEN BETRAYING MYSELF ALL ALONG, AND I KNEW THAT, TOO. I just chose to ignore that voice inside of me, the voice that said this was wrong. Instead, I chose to do “what felt good” instead of “what WAS good”.

And I ended up facing the man I loved more than anything on this Earth crying on the floor at my feet.

There I was, too, crying in anguish for hurting this man, for being so selfish, so stupid, so careless, and all for NOTHING. For something so meaningless and empty. It was so EMPTY, it really was.

And now, here we were, both of us, in more pain than is describable.


We held one another. Vowed it would not ever happen again. No, not us. We knew and understood the value of the relationship and would never let this happen again. That free love crappola, it was wrong and affairs were horrible.

Two months later, my H slept with another woman. He said he didn't know why. It was something he had been thinking about and couldn't get out of his head, long before my A. He learned NOTHING. I learned more than he did – and I was the wayward one.


I wanted to die. I was the one crying at his feet. He was the one in horror at his own actions. He couldn't believe he had done to me what I had done to him, what we both knew did not, could not work. Again, we vowed a new relationship, never again.

Two years passed. We separated for a few months after those two years. He said to me, "I don't love you, I never did love you, and I never will love you." I was crushed. There was another woman............turns out he had been fantasizing about her, only this time he didn’t want to cheat on me. He said he knew the fallout.

He came back to me after about three months. She wasn't the fantasy woman he thought. Then, he had ANOTHER ONS about three days after his return. I guess he had to get it out of his system? Who knows. I held steady and we moved on.

We recovered from that stuff. Or so I thought. For 28 years there were no more physical affairs (except in there I had an emotional affair – I stopped it from going where I knew it should not go, and returned to the straight and narrow) that I know of. I don't know of any emotional affairs on his part. Then, d-day 2005.


We never did the right things way back when to fix the problems. We are doing the right things now. We have set the bar very high on the marriage this time. No longer is the ho-hum acceptable.


In your case, I would say that you are staring in the face of something incredibly stupid and devastating. You are thinking it is something that is exciting and dangerous. Affairs are not something that just go away - they hang on to you for years and years.

The pain you feel for having and affair is unexpected - when you walk in the door after your fling and look at your husband, you will know the depth of stupidity and guilt you are capable of. And you will then know exactly how dark your dark side is.

Had I even thought, for one moment, that my actions would begin this cycle of stupidity, I would not have walked out the door that night back in 1976 to the arms of a man whose last name I cannot remember, and whose face is blank to me.

Do you see yourself at my age? Can you look 30 years ahead, confessing your stupidity to your daughters, telling them as they approach their own marriages, how NOT to behave the way you did? It is because I have this experience that I can pass on the knowledge. But it is because I was so stupid that I am shamed and humiliated that I must.


You have the choice to make yourself worthy - or not. If I had the choice, I would like to be able to tell my daughters how I almost did this or almost did that, and made the decision to work on my marriage instead - and that my marriage looks beautiful to them because I did so many things RIGHT along the way – not because I learned by doing so many things wrong. I would also love to tell them that my husband did the same thing. We can’t do that.

You still have that chance. Choose wisely.

Schoolbus


.


SB

confused, the solution is to stop flirting and stop degrading yourself like this. There is nothing wrong with you, other than you are FAILING to exercise self control like an ADULT and make grown up choices. ADULTS control their urges, they don't act on them. Teenage girls and criminals act on their impulses, not adult women. It doesn't matter why you have these urges, only that you control them and knock it off if you want to remain married.

In the meantime, I would let your H know that something seems to be missing in your marriage and do something about filling that gap. He needs to know that you are not acting in a mature, big girl manner when you are alone and have been behaving rather silly.

You know M is not for everyone. You certainly sound like someoone who is really immature. How old are you? And just because you are acting like this its not proof that something is missing in your M. Your husband could be meeting all your needs, but flirting with strange men is one of the needs you gave up when you married. My advice is either grow up fast or set your poor husband free so he can find someone who shares his values and is a bit more mature

While I really appreciate schoolbus' advice - I have to say the rest of you are rather catty. Yes I'm young at 25, but that doesn't mean that none of you have ever been young before. And flirting with strangers? I don't believe I exactly said that. You make it sound as if I'm some nympho tramp who flaunts what she has to any man who will look and that is NOT how it is.

I posted to this forum because I wanted to avoid a situation BEFORE it happened. That obviously means that I love my H and do not want anything physical to happen. Most idiot women out there would just go ahead and do it and think later. But of course I don't get credit for that.

You want to call me immature? At least I don't go to forums where people are searching for help and JUDGE them like a bunch of high school teenagers. Do you even know how hard it is for me to confess my urges to a bunch of utter strangers? Think before you write your callous words. I should let my husband go so he can find someone more mature??? Wow, apparently marriage has absolutely no sanctity to you! Marriage to me means through thick and thin - not flying the coup when the going gets rough. You act like every marriage in this world is perfect! No wife ever has thoughts of having sex with any man besides her husband! EVER!

Ya know what if anything - aside from schoolbus's post - this has taught me to trust myself more. It makes me feel good to know that I at least have my head on straighter then many "older women" out there. Get over yourselves.

So - yeah enough of this board for me. I'll deal with my issues on my own - or perhaps talk to my hubby about it. Thank you for your story school, as it really did hit home. The rest of you hens? I suggest you do something more valuable with your time rather then being the equivalent to video game forum "trolls." Don't know what it means? Look it up.

Oh if this weren't so sad, it would be funny. You are calling MelodyLane a TROLL? She is a MB vet who has helped COUNTLESS marriages recover and thrive. (as is Schoolbus)

You come on here with a subject title "SERIOUSLY LOST and CONFUSED"

That sounded as if you were REALLY needing help. Yet you are shying away from some of the best help you could possibly find.

Well, I do sorta look trollish! click here

The hair needs some work, Mel! :MrEEk:

MelodyLane,

It always amuses me when a WS or someone considering it comes here for advice, but is really looking for pity. I don't know if you're still here, but help doesn't always come the way you want it. You really do have a lot of growing up to do. Accept that what you are doing is wrong and don't expect to be pampered about it. Your defensiveness shows that you are selfish and not committed to making your marriage what it could be.

Oh, and I'm only 3 years older than you, so I'm not sure if I fit into the troll category. :crosseyedcrazy: Age doesn't always dictate maturity dear, just as maturity doesn't always come with age...

You have tons of very wise people here willing to help you, you just have to be open to everything they have to say...

Confused, it takes maturity to be able to deal with the 2x4s you will receive here. Just be assured, that the 2x4s are dealt for one reason, and that's to shock you - to make you look at yourself in the same light others see you, to help you change. This is because we care enough to help.

It is hard to see the worst side of yourself. ALL of us, have at some time or the other, whether in our marriages or other relationships, wanted to avoid the nasty truth about what we are capable of. It takes real humility and maturity to want to see ourselves at our worst, and be willing to do the hard work to change.

Stick around! I guarantee you that if you want a better marriage, some of the people who annoy you most inititially, will be your heroes once you get away from the wayward mindset.

Confused, you seem like a smart woman and you did the right thing by posting here. Please dont insult melody and other fine folks trying to help you. Just dont take it personally.

You are showing the signs exhibited by WW before she actually has the potential to have the affair. You could be dangerously teetering on the borderline right now.

What did you say ? No woman has ever thoughts of having sex with another man ?. How i wish you were right. My wife, i foolishly thought, would be the last person on this planet who would do such a thing. Guess what, it happened. Over and over. And it is now hell for both of us. No wait, make that for the entire family.

Now wait, I know what you meant. What you meant was no wife has ever thoughts of having sex with another man, FIRST. It starts out as a harmless aquantaince, friendship. One thing leads to another and next thing you know you are actually in bed with him. The difference is, men, in general are thinking about sex first while for a woman sex comes later but not too far behind. By the way dont worry about the STD, and other deadly diseases that you could spread around in the process. You both had "faith" that it was ok to screw around.

Here is an idea. Why dont you be dreadfully honest with your husband about your feelings ? May be you can all agree on a "compromise". That way, alteast you dont feel you are not cheating behind your husband's back. If things go wrong, you can both take the blame for it.

Confused, I get the impression that you're here genuinely looking for help.

The problem, it seems to me, is that you don't want to BE a woman who cheats on her husband, but you also don't have the tools to resist that temptation.

By tools, I mean character constructs such as

• being aware of temptation but not acting on it
• being able to assess the likely consequences of actions
• having healthy limits on entitlement
• taking mature responsibility for personal boundaries
• being able to deal with sad/lonely times within the marriage
• being able to appreciate mature affection rather than adolescent romantic excitement

and so on. This is how faithful people stay faithful.

The question I think is important for the unfaithful is not 'Why did I do it?', but 'Why didn't I NOT do it?'.

Perhaps you might start on those issues and ask yourself some difficult questions.

TA