I recently posted about just finding out about my wives affair. It's been about 5 weeks now. I've been working on reconciliation, maybe pretty ineffectively, but still trying. I'm actually working through Love Dare and that's helped me with practical things to beat LB's & meet EM's.

One thing I'm having a hard time with is not coming across as being oppressive or controlling. We have very little time together as it is (yes, I know that's contributed to the problem), so I try to make a point of being near her whenever I can, if just to be there for her to talk to me.

Well, as you might imagine, she reads that as me trying to track her every move and look over her shoulder. While that may be something I need to do, it's pushing her further away.

Any ideas on how to counteract that?

One thing I'm planning on doing right away is not staying up until she gets home. She gets home from work at 10 pm and I've been staying up every night to be there when she gets home. I think I need to back off from that and rather focus on meeting her for lunches and stuff like that. She feels oppressed while she's at home. So I think if I back off a little from her while she's at home and focus on trying to meet her on neutral ground, that might help.

What do you think?

No reasonable person would think that waiting up until 10 p.m. to see your W when she comes home from work is 'oppressive'

Your WW has a wayward mindset and is not being reasonable. Her fear that you are trying to track her means that she has something to hide from you. What is it? Probably that she's still in contact with OM. What assurances do you have that she isn't?

You are not in Reconciliation, you just want to be. I know because I made the same mistake. Read my threads to gain some insight.

Have you exposed the affair? Nothing else matters til you do. Spinning your wheels.

You're right, I want to be in reconciliation but I know I'm not. And yes, I know that she's still contacting OM.

Yes, I've exposed the affair.

It's just hard for me to do things that seem to push her away. I do know that her reactions are an effort to push me away, actually. This is all very new and strange to me. I've read all the books and talked to counselors, but putting it into practice is something else entirely.

Prayer's where it's at!

To whom did you expose? What happened?

Moving to Infidelity Section for more responses.

I can relate to the response that you are getting from your wife. My wife says that I won't let her "fly." Meaning that I won't give in to her desire for an uncontested divorce. She says that I am "clipping her wings."

I'd like to see what others say about this also...

ha ha ha ha ha. i would be running in circles in happiness if my W came home at 10pm ever. I agree; "staying up" until 10pm is not oppressive, but there may be more. seems like you are grasping at things like staying up until she is home. What else are you doing that makes you feel like you are being oppresive.

I will follow this thread, cause i am looking for advice on this same question expect more like 2-4am or not at all not 10pm

There's a great quote I first read on this site:

THOSE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING.

Not only is this quote great for dealing with a cheater, it's great for a plethora of situations.

I can't begin to tell you how many times this has passed through my thoughts while I watch a shady politician on TV, when I see another a-hole athlete screw up big-time, etc.

Keep it in mind when dealing with your wife. I'll bet you'll be thinking it quite often.

OPPRESSED, MY HINEY! She feels GUILTY, not "oppressed." And she is supposed to feel guilty, don't protect her from that! When you behave like an alley cat in heat, you should feel guilty.

Yeah, be yourself and don't take any cr*p from her.

Active WS's who outwardly claim to be "working on things" have a secret agenda. You can't always tell what it is, but usually its to keep both the M and the A going along until their "heart" tells them what to do.

So you trying to spend time with her throws a monkey wrench into her secret plans. But since the plans are secret, she can't just tell you "back off, I need some time to tend to my A." So, instead she accuses you of having a secret agenda of being oppressive and controlling.

So when I say be yourself, ask yourself are you being oppressive and controlling or are you protecting yourself and trying to recover your M? If it's the former, then quit. If its the later, tell her that's what your doing and keep doing it.

IMHO, if you give in to her on this, it will just reinforce in her mind that she can continue with her secret agenda.