sounds like my neck of the woods!

Not to encourage T/Jing, but ...78 degrees is just right for me.

I live in Virginia. 70 degrees is a little chilly to me.

If he texted, I seriously think you need to get a new number and give it ONLY to the IM and people who need it to contact you and won't pass it on to WH. Get rid of the old number altogether.

If he emailed, set up rules to forward to IM and delete immediately, including clearing the email Trash and Sent folder automatically so you aren't tempted to peek. Or get a new email address and cancel the old one.

In Plan B, these messages should NOT be getting to you. Your IM is meant to screen any communication from him so that YOU can get back on an even keel. Once you are, you will see things with new eyes.

He is still trying to get the message across to you that you are all of the problem and such a trouble maker that he has to use legal aid to deal with you .It is all part of the pattern to break you down.

******Ducks in a row

What are your expectations of PB

Are you asking him to choose between the OW and yourself? In effect to quit the band and focus on his family.He thinks a written agreement takes care of that and has structured NC to mean that professionally does'nt count as contact when in fact nothing has changed.

As we all know actions speak louder than words especially in his case. Are you prepared to use PB to settle this question?The first round actually brought results very quickly he does'nt like the B treatment It is worth the struggle to implement a second plan B IMO

I am concerned about his right of access to the house. He seems to be very sure of himself in that regard.Might be a good idea to check with the solicitor regarding his position in this respect I would imagine that an AVO would be the only way to keep him out

Yeah, he HATES plan B.

The locksmith is coming back in the morning and I will reprogram the garage remotes tonight when the kids are in bed. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm sure it's easy with internet instructions to guide me.

I'm feeling stronger tonight

A few things to report. I cannot change my number easily. It is on about 300 business cards with my clients and prospects and thousands of emails etc for business. Networking is key in sales and I really can't change it.

He's been calling and leaving voice mail all afternoon. Need to talk to you about finances, need to ask about the speakers etc.

I ignored about 10 phone calls too.

He spoke to DD at school when I picked them up. He sent this message before he'd spoken to her:- "2M2L, I have come to the conculsion that you are unfit to deal with visitation of our children fairly.I have had it 2NM2L. You treat everyone as you please according to how you feel about them at the time. And then you wonder why I want to go through the courts. You asked for financial assistance and then don't even have the decency to answer your phone. You are unfit to look after our children if you act in this way."

I instructed my IM as follows: Hi IM. Can you please do me a favour and text WH to say all messages for kids and visitation need to go through you. I'm not ignoring him. Just asking for him to respect my wishes for no contact. Thanks.

Then, "Ok 2M2L. That's it. You have finished us. From this moment on it is over between us for good. I want you to understand that you pushed me to this and you have meade it impossible for me to reconcile with you because now my family are fully against it. You have killed off anyting that was left. I will file for divorce tomorrow. Please do not call me again. If you need to speak to me re the kids, only sms.I cannot do this anymore, you are too unpredictable and obviously need help. I wish you only the best. Goodbye 2M2L and i hope you find what you are looking for. I will go through IM re the kids until the courts can fit me in."

Then this, "IM, if the email she sent you is going to hurt me I would rather not know. I can't do it anymore. My mother and brothers have made it clear to me that she is not welcome anymore. My mother in particular will never speak to her again for life. If I can see the kids through you I would appreciate that until the courts can fit me in. I have to do this as she is building up an aresenal of one sidedness against me. I will be filing for divorce tomorrow morning on my day off and seeing a solicitor. I have realised how much I love her through all of this and was honest in my attempts to put things right and still am doing it but nothing is good enough for her and she continues to rip me to pieces only to apologise hours later. She needs help and I'm helpless.."

So, you can see he sent them to me directly too, but I couldn't help myself. Still learning that no info is better than none.

Melody, now you have some background if you need to chat with my IM. She is only sending him a suggested visitation schedule but he made a big deal about it hurting him. What will hurt him is no personal contact with me.

I hope this is still stepping in the right direction.

Solicitor tomorrow afternoon for me to ask about AVO etc.

ONYA ROCKY

Oh waawaawaa...poor baby!

Did you notice, lol, how he twisted around everything you said you were fighting for, so that it makes it look like HE is the one who wants those things and that YOU are the one who started it all? LOL, what a joke!

And, OMG, not that! Not the 'my family will never speak to you again' trick! (um, good riddance if they're going to gang up on you?)

Oh, and not the 'you are unfit' (um, which one had the affair and broke into the house?)

and the 'I have had it' (um, who's calling the shots?)

and the 'and then you wonder why' (um, no not really)

and the 'don't even have the decency to answer your phone' (gee, could that be because you are not supposed to be contacting me?)

and the 'You are unfit to look after our children if you act in this way' (here's where the abuse starts coming in)

and the 'That's it. You have finished us. From this moment on it is over between us for good.' (this is where the WS whines and gives you the how you've ruined everything, I never want to speak to you again, it's all your fault, I was JUST ABOUT to give you everything you wanted, but you had to go and blow it all speech)

and the 'I want you to understand that you pushed me to this and you have meade it impossible for me to reconcile with you' (more abuse - it's all your fault, therefore you'd better give me a big fat apology and kiss my toes while you're at it, if you ever think I'll take YOU back - we've heard it all before)

and the 'Please do not call me again' (excuse me? who's calling whom? lol)

and the 'you...obviously need help' (more abuse, trying to convince you and anyone else reading that you're the unstable one, the problem, so that you will cave and apologize and ask him to forgive you for being so...unstable)

and the 'I wish you only the best' (if he had, he would have complied at the start, yes? Obviously lying, isn't he?)

and the 'Goodbye 2M2L and i hope you find what you are looking for' (where he instantly turns into the martyr who is suffering so, all because of you, yet he still loves you and pines for you, but he sees that you're being so unreasonable so as not to allow love to blossom between you two, so all he can do now is wish you well, as he rides off into the sunset...}

and the 'I will go through IM re the kids until the courts can fit me in' (excuse me? if he would have done this in the first place, you'd probably be back together by now; good grief!)

Honestly, 2M2L, I have never seen all of the predictable, typical wayward responses to Plan B all rolled up into one communication (ok, 3) like this. It's amazing! I call him a Class A, #1 quality manipulator. He should win an award. If it wasn't so painful for you.

And guess what? You'll find it all in that book. All the manipulation, control attempts, belittling, making you question yourself, blaming it all on you, even the charming persona he probably was when he was courting you and could have stayed that way, if you just would have behaved and stayed the obedient wife he expected! Geez, what were you thinking, ruining it all?!

LOL, you're doing fine. Him acting like this is proof that it's getting to him.

And I really wish you can come up with some way not to have to see his calls. Can you block his phone number and his family's?

Hark! Is that the sound of violins I hear? Oh, my bleeding heart...

2much, find a way to prevent his crap emails/texts reaching you. NOW. All is does is make you doubt yourself. And beat your IM with a 2x4 if she keeps passing non-kid-logistic info back to you. She is meant to be your B(ull)S(tuff) barrier.

Plan B is Plan noBULLSTUFF!!

Forgot to say - well done for ignoring his calls and calling the locksmith! You can do it! You are W.O.M.A.N.! Now I want to hear you roar! And bite when necessary!

Just catching up on your thread.
Couple of things I was thinking of as I read:

Dont make "threats". It is too childish. If you are going to take out an AVO, then just do it. If not, then don;t even talk about it. But don't "threaten" him with it, in the hopes that it will make him behave. That is the same sort of abusive, controlling, bullying behavior your WH displays.

You seem to be conflicted about the whole idea of a restraining order against him. Here is the thing to ask yourself - why would you do it - or, why is everyone here recomending it?
Your WH broke into your home, and removed your door locks. You sat there watching him, feeling too afraid to stop him. He has shown violant behavior. He has slapped you(and you kept that secret from your family), he kicked your bag across the floor (and you told the kids he tripped), he calls you horrible names.
These are very scary behaviors! If your best girl friend were telling you these things, you would be afraid for her. And we are all afraid for you. Part of the problem is that when he does these scary things, you keep them secret and make up excuses for him. I am certain he has done other things that you have not even shared with me yet.

If I were you, every time I left the house I would be scared to come back. Fearful that he has broken into the house again. He all ready went through your little book documenting his coming and going. He should not be going through your personal things!! that is not right. One day you will look back on this, and have major regrets that you let him in and out like this.

At the very least, you need to talk to a real live attorney and find out what your options are. Do not keep secrets, do not make up excuses. Tell the whole truth, and find out what your options are.

If you are going to go "back into Plan B" then you have got to stick with it. Otherwise, you are sending him mixed messages. This weekend, you let him stay in your home. You chatted and played house with him - it is no wonder why he is confused right now. This weekend, he figured you had "gotten over it". He did not need to do anything, he did not need to be a better H or father, he had broken into the house, and he was boss again.

That is why you have got to be strong. You know what to expect from him. Come up with a plan ahead of time. If he breaks in, what will you do? If you see his car in front of the house, what will you do? If he calls your work phone, what will you do?
No threats- no long conversations, just come up with something simple.

I will speak to the solicitor today about the AVO. If he breaks in again I will take one out, no question.

He did get me on the phone last nigt. I am 33 and tomorrow and for 7 hours I thought I was having a heart attack. My whole chest, tummy and back was constricted making breathing difficult and I was in so much pain. I would say at least 9/10 and sometimes 10/10. I couldn't get off the couch and I kept thinking that no one had a spare key and I had my two babies in the house and would thy know what to do.

Anyway, I had called phone nurse number and was waiting for them to call back. He was the next caller but I didn't check. He was obviously very concerned for me but I said not to come over. I would let him know if it was an emergency etc.

He told me he loved me and wanted to do this right. That he knows I need time away until he can commit to me 100% with no one on the side. He said there are other problems with OW and I guess that now she loves him. Anyway, not my problem.

He is going to use IM for all discussions and respect my wishes.

I called the nurse again at 2:30am. Sleep was impossible and I was in 10/10 pain by then. She said to get myself to emergency. didn't. I just lay there as I didn't want to call my parents unless I really needed to.

I slept on and off and at 4:30am the pain had gone. Today my muscles all really tight and I am seeing a dr this morning.

I hope it's just stress related.

My plan will be that if my neighbour calls and he is the house or if he turns up unannounced and comes in, I i'll call the police and take out the AVO.

I did send him the wrong message over the weekend but I am sticking to it now and he knows that. I wish I didn't do it in person on the phone last night, but there were extenuating circumstances at play,

So, mentally I am stronger today!

This is all going horribly wrong.

He visited the kids last night (pre-arranged with IM) but gave DD my present which she opened on the way in. It was my super diamond ring and he spent $1700 on it.

He told me he kept seeing on my dream board and really wanted me to have it - I deserved it.

Anyway, he stayed and had dinner wit the kids and I did a plan A instead of plan B. I haven't really been back on track with plan B which is completely my fault.

We watched tv together and had SF before he went home. He's been sweet and respectful and tells me he hasn't spoken to OW and is keeping his promise for himself and wants to prove it to me before he comes home. We discussed finances and he wants to give me more money and doesn't want us to leave the house because he wants to come back, but at the right time.

He is apparently having email access problems (doesn't have internet) and that's why the visitation schedule is not working.

He invited me to a gig over the weekend. I don't know if plan b is the right thing or if plan a is.

I am so confused.

I'm wearing the ring today but it needs to be resized. I am thinking of telling him and leaving it in the box until he comes home a changed man and committed to the M.

Are you out of your mind? You're supposed to be in Plan B! Has he agreed to your terms for reconiliation?


No he has not!


You cannot be satisfied that he hasn't spoken to OW until a NC letter has been sent and he's honest and transparent with you about everything


In other words, if and when he's done with OW.

Listen 2M2L, I am not the world's best MBer but for heaven's sake if you're in Plan B then STAY THERE!!! until/unless WH is prepared to show you with his actions that he will meet your conditions for reconciliation.

NO CONTACT with WH, and definitely no SF!!!!


You have already given him a PBL and set up an intermediary. Why are you even asking this question? YOU KNOW THE ANSWER!

PLAN B MEANS NO CONTACT WITH YOUR ABUSIVE, ADULTEROUS AND LYING HUSBAND!!

GH31 - Rock on but unfortunately this is falling on deaf ears. She's volunteering for this treatment now and the end is totally predictable.

You may as well go to the gig with him. You're obviously happy to share your H with another woman.

People have invested a lot of their time trying to help you save your M. And what for? Oh well I suppose they had nothing better to do eh?

I guess I just prefer the peace and quiet like this rather than last week when it was volitile.

I am horrible face to face with him and need to learn to defend my rights etc. I am way too compliant in person. Over the phone and email I am very strong.

I have downloaded the book that Catperson suggested and am reading as much as possible to get stronger.

I am just afraid and confused.

What new plan B letter should I send to give him the message more strongly? I guess he is in control again.

You all haven't wasted your time, I really want this to work. I appreciate your efforts and I was on fire until Friday night when WH came around to the house. It really took the wind out of my sails and I'm struggling again.

2M2L, I have to say that my gut instinct is that you should have stayed in Plan B. You have to set boundaries. He now knows that your threats are empty and he can do what he wants and that will be OK with you even if you do throw a hissy fit from time to time but 'what the heck, she'll get over it.'

What you need from him is respect, not affection which is what he is giving you right now. Affection without respect is what you give to your dog, not your wife. I'm so so sorry if my opinion comes across as harsh because believe me I know how hard all this is but I think you should take this as a lesson and think hard about how he managed to break through your Plan B and fix that leak right now.

He hasn't given you what you asked in order to reconstruct so i would go back to Plan B.

Big hugs, Tully

This is why you need to STAY in Plan B.

Do this - for your own sake.

Any suggestions for a letter, or just email him the same one?

I just fear he doesn't believe me!

Myopia was right, it's a new band so complete separation from OW will be extremley difficult because gigs are booked for them with them both as the line up. He offered for me to attend all rehearsals and gigs and promised there would be no friendship.

How can I ask for complete NC? It is letting the whole band down. Could it be something we stage?