Not sure where to post this. I was a member of MB several years ago and can't remember my old login details.

My H (exH?) and I have been separated for 3 years. We have gone through the courts for property settlement and child access etc, but neither of us has ever filed for divorce.

Usually, any communication between us just degenerated into a text war. He was more touchy than I and unable to move on. He was the WS and never truly 'got' what he needed to do to help heal the mess. Eventually I got tired of asking and, to be honest, I was stuck in a rage for a very long time.

So we separated, have had other relationships, but somehow never took the final step to get a divorce. This is both our second marriage. I have children from a first marriage and they are pretty much grown up now, and he and I have a child together. He does not have any other children other than the one we have together.

A few days ago I sent him a text asking if he'd like to get away for a weekend and we could sit down and drop the walls and perhaps get to the bottom of a few things. I expected a nasty reply as this was his usual way to respond. However, it didn't happen that way.

Turns out he is open to the idea, and then he said twice that he is just sick of the way things are and wants to be happy. To get his thoughtful replies tells me that he must mean he is unhappy, and would like a chance to see if we can repair our relationship.

So I'm wondering if it is possible for a husband and wife, who have been apart for this amount of time, to actually be able to reconcile and go forward in strength. I know I'm a different person to who I was 3 years ago. I don't believe I carry any of the infidelity issues that plagued us years ago, ie, I am long over it and it doesn't bother me any more. In many ways, after 3 years it feels like a brand new relationship is the order of the day.

I would love your thoughts! Thanks.

We aren't gushing over each other, we're both being cautious here.

I think it's possible. But, take it doubly slowly. Some of the old issues in your marriage will resurface. How you each deal with those issues will tell you a lot about the chances for success.

Also, I'd be careful not to read too much into this exchange. He may have responded nicely because he has moved on. I don't want you to be disappointed.

By any chance are you in Canada? I know their separation and divorce laws vary from ours.

Hi Greengables, no I'm not in Canada but I am in a commonwealth country.

I don't want to be disappointed, there is just a change in his attitude from even a few weeks ago. Previously I couldn't even send a bland text like "can you call your(our) daughter please" without me getting lambasted.

So for him to be open to getting together, and telling me he just wants to be happy again, it's like he's admitting that he is desperately unhappy with his life the way it is. Knowing him the way I do, we could have been communicating for a long time in pleasant tones if he had moved on. I have been very patient in that regard.

My parents have been on at me to get the divorce finalised, but I've dragged my feet too. Somewhere deep inside I didn't want to be divorced and perhaps it is the same reason he hasn't applied for the divorce. As we've both been down this track before, where we each initiated the proceedings in our respective cases, it's not new and unfamiliar territory. It holds no fears for us. Been there done that. Just to clarify, we didn't meet until long after our first marriages were over, there were no affairs involved in our getting together.

You are right about the go slow. It's taken 3 years for this to happen, so there's no rush now. I couldn't break our child's heart again, so I'd want to be really sure. I just don't know anybody who has been apart for this amount of time and reconciled to get some inspiration and insight into the pitfalls and successes.

Maybe I have read him wrong altogether.

Sure, it's possible. I tell people that all the time. What scares me, though, is he says HE wants to be happy. Possibly meaning he's tired of being a bachelor and he wants a wife/mom again.

Be very careful to look for real growth in him. I seriously doubt he has done any soul searching or read any books. You may just be getting more of the same.

Possible.

Nothing wrong with wanting to.

You will need to set boundaries as to what you and WH will need to recover the marriage.

Thanks for your replies.

I am in a strong enough place emotionally to walk away from him if he hasn't changed in any way. I realise he said "he" just wants to be happy, and it was the way the exchange went. I didn't give him any indication of how I was feeling, ecstatic or suicidal or anywhere in between. I just said "would you like to get away for the weekend and sit down and talk and get to the bottom of a few things etc".

At first he thought I had sent the text to him by mistake and it was meant for someone else. When I confirmed that it was indeed meant for him, a few exchanges went back and forth when I got the "I'm sick of blah and just want to be happy again".

Que sera sera. Whatever will be. Will just have to wait for it to unfold.