This isn't a wife. Wive's don't do this.

Throw her phone and DWI child in the car driving a$$ to the curb.

iam - That may ultimately be my only option. I know that normal women do not act this way. I know that people who say they love one another do not hide, keep secrets, or anything like that. But to hear my WW tell it I am checking up on her, snooping on her, spying on her, invading her privacy, getting in her personal business and marriage is not an open book. These are her exact words and she will tell anyone the same thing.

HF,

The only GOOD secrets involve birthdays and Christmas....in ANY relationship.

Your wife is cheating.

We've watched you twist for weeks now.

Nothing has changed...not even your inertia.

I'm beginning to think you like this.

No. I do not like this. I absolutely hate it. Last night I was so furious. My W and I went to watch my oldest daughter perform in her christmas band concert. While there her phone kept going off with incoming texts. My w even during the concert looked at her texts, and sent a couple. After the concert we went for a quick bite to eat. as soon as we got to where we were going to eat my w immediately went into the bathroom and was in there for 20 min. When she came out I had already ordered supper for the girls and asked her if she was sick or just texting. Her reply was huh! This mess is so frustrating. I know that something is going on. Everyone here is telling me that it is an affair and I guesss that it is some sort of one. Is there any way to interfere with the A without exposure. Personally I just do not think I have enough to expose. My w will continue to claim they are jsut friends. My w parents came up to watch my daughter in the concert, and went and ate dinner with us as well. My w mom and dad talked to me a lot. my w told me that they knew she was texting OM, but after conversations last night I know that is not true.

Hogfan:

Get a detailed cell phone record. With most carriers you can access this online. Find out the # she is texting and call it. Last Jan. I checked the phone records to see who my H was texting so much, thats when I first know something was going on. Find out who it is, confront her with the info and EXPOSE it to family and friends. If the OM is M call his W as well. This A will continue as long as it can be kept secret. Do some investigating and get the evidence you need. Yes she will be furious, so what? What she is doing to you is WRONG. Don't continue to let her get by with it. You don't have to put up with it, you deserve better than having to share your W with some OM. You have been letting this go on for weeks? WHY?? Read Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair, it helped me a lot. Good luck!!

After going back and reading more of your posts I see you already know who the OM is and have a lot of evidence. You don't need to know WHAT the texts say, they shouldn't be happening at all. You seem to have more than enough info to blow this wide open. The longer you keep quiet the longer you enable them to continue this A. Take up for yourself and expose it to all. You have to stand up for yourself and whats right.

Ya'know, I've seen a couple of cases here at MB where after awhile I got the feeling that the BH actually "got off" on the level of humiliation, emasculation, abuse and disrespect that their WW was HEAPING on them.

FWIW, I now believe that you've joined that group of pathetic BH's who simply CAN'T and WON'T stand up to their WW's, as you have done NOTHING meaningful to help your situation. Instead you have spent your entire time here trying to justify and excuse HER behavior and YOUR inaction.

I have done all of those things. I know who the OM is and I have spoken with OMW. I can no longer look at her cell phone records. She has changed the password on her account, and had the details removed from the paper bill.

That is absolutely not true. I have talked to OMW, I have taken action by yanking her phone from her. I had to give it back to avoid a physical confrontation from her in front of my kids. I am taking action by trying to get more proof that this is really an affair. Everyone tells me it is, but where is the actual proof, besides some texts. I am not "getting off on this" I hate it with a passion, and I am going to expose this thing, and when I do it will be nuclear. The thing is in my opinion it is so far underground that when I do expose the people that I expose to will think I am crazy.

Then start telling people that your wife is having an affair. Tell the waitress. Tell the cashier. Tell the next door neighbor. See how she likes that.

I'm sorry, but this is utter BS. You did not HAVE to do anything. The actions (what few there are) that you describe doing are that of someone scared to death that your forceful wife will call your hand by leaving you if you make her mad. Using your kids as an excuse to not confront her and keep her phone, while it's unlocked, is ridiculous. The next time you're sitting next to her somewhere, and her phone goes off and it gets in her hand, and she starts to look (i.e. unlocks it), grab it from her, calmly walk to your car, drive to the nearest Kinkos, and get them to help you print out all the texts and call record. And then hand them to your PI for safekeeping.

hf, you have the RIGHT to do this! You do!

hf, this is passive aggressive BS that betrayed spouses do when they're too afraid to upset their spouse. Does no good, and makes you look weak. A better option would be to tell her to her face - and in front of the kids - if I ever see you text again I am going to take your phone and run my car over it. I will not allow you to carry on with another man in my presence. And I will start proceedings to remove you from our house so the kids don't have to see you do this.

THAT is the only message she will understand.

cat - The last time I took her phone I did tell her that if I see it out in the house in front of the kids again I was going to take it again, and I will. This time I will keep it. She replied it is my phone and my privacy. I replied bulls!@#. If I see it is mine. I have not seen it out since. I keep telling my kids what is going with theri mom. My youngest is still having a hard time with it. She says mommy is just texting her frined. I keep telling her that is you mommy BF. My oldest daughter believes me now. Everytime I get a chance to talk to them about it I do. I talked to them about it last night. My oldes daughter is the point that when I mention it she says I know what is going on daddy I can see it. She asked me last night what I was goin gto do. I told her for the moment I was going to make sure that you girls have a very good Christmas, but things are going to get crazy over the next few weeks. She aksed me what I meant by crazy, and I told her that she would see. I am so glad that my kids are beginning to see what their mom is actually doing, and how much she is tearing the family to shreads.

You already have ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED. The longer you let this drag out the more damage that is being done to you. Pretty soon, you will barely be able to look yourself in the mirror. Then, if your WW does recommit to rebuilding, all this stuff will become a mountain of anger and resentment for you to overcome. The bottom line is that whether there is an A or not, which I find to be highly unlikely, your wife is not treating you the way a wife should. Her obsessively texting another man is crossing a line and MORE than enough for you to expose. Do it now because the longer you let it continue the greater the fantasy becomes for your WW. Take control of the situation. Quit waiting for this magical PROOF that may never come because in the meantime you may get just what your asking for. You DO NOT want to find out that it went from an EA to a PA while you were dragging your feet.

Want2Stay

hf, yes, you are supposed to tell the children. But telling the children and then hoping they get on your side is not a great idea. You're telling the kids they have to side with you (yes, you are; any psychologist would agree), and creating stress in them. You've told them; now drop it.

So take the phone from her in the restaurant, or wherever else.

I want to expose more than anything, and I have tried it once. When the OMW told me that she beleived her H it was like the end of the road. I did not know if it was worth telling anyone else. After that is when I decided to start posting my story. I do not want to look like the obsessive, jealous husband and I guess that I feel like exposing without anything concrete makes me feel like that. I already have a lot of anger and it is very difficult to not mention any of this to my W. I know tha tshe is crossing the line with the texting. And I have told her that she is crossing boundries with me. She will reply with there are no boundries in a marriage, and she can be friends with whoever she wants, and I can not tell her who she can be friends with. I have never done that. I have told her that OM1 was not her friend and that I did not like the toxic GF that she hangs out with. The one that she got drunk with and then drove the kids home. This mess is tearing me up inside and I truly want to put an end to it.

Totally agree with cat. Be very careful what you expose to the children. You were right to tell them the truth about their lives, but remember it is a huge stress for them.

W2S

I have told them twice, and will not tell them anymore. All I want to do is raise my kids in the right way, but it is hard when my W works against me and show them such a bad influence. I just wanted to get the point across to my oldest daughter that what mom was doing was not right and that I did not ever want her to treat someone that way that loves her. I will get the phone again. I tried this morning to get it and pull her sim card, but she had it hidden somewhere, to keep me from spying, snooping, invading her privacy and personal business.

I know it is a big stress for my oldest, because she is a daddy's girl. Wants to do everything with me. Thanks for the comments and I will not mention it to them again. They know the truth I am confident in that.

Do me a favor. Take some time today and read some of the other threads here from BHs.

Can anyone recommend some who are doing what hf is doing, so he can see how pointless his method is? And some who did the opposite, total fast exposure, and made good? He really needs to see this from another perspective.

Who gives a CRAP about what everyone else thinks! This is about you defending and protecting YOUR family. If we can see that this is wrong, don't you think that anyone that is part of your family and friends will to? If they don't, then they are not friends of your M and should be removed from you life accordingly anyways.


You can expect that anger to get A LOT worse. You have defined your boundries to your WW and she is BLATANTLY disrespecting them and you. It is fog filled entitlement babble.


HF, I don't know if you realize it, but you actually have every BH's dream right now. You would have the upperhand for custody because of the DWI should you proceed to D. When I told my DW that I wanted a D I was mortified at the thought of not seeing my boys every day. It seemed a fate worse than death to me, but I did it anyways because I knew that nothing would change if I did not take a stand. Use this to your advantage to bring the secret out in the open. Have your attorney draw up the papers and do a nuclear exposure with the PROOF you do have. Then, if you WW doesn't recommit, follow through with the D. Honestly, if my DW took a risk like driving my children around drunk I would be done, but that is your choice. Make a plan and take action now.

Want2Stay

Exactly.

IMO as a parent, the DWI with the kids in the car would've been my hill to die on.

Thanks for the response. It was encouraging. I am also mortified of the thought of not being to see my girls everyday if it comes to divorce. I know that I have the upperhand with the dwi, but I am not a person that would take the kids away from thier mother. I feel like it D is where this ends up that my W is so ww and selfish that the kids would end up with me anyway. I feel she would do something stupid again, or could not even take care of them in the state that she is in. Also when it comes to d I look aroun our home and see all of the things that we worked so hard together to have,a nd all of that will be gone. I hope and pray everyday that my wife will come out of this on her own. I would love to do a plan A, but in some aspect I feel like I did that a year ago and it did not work. I would try it again if I knew it would do any good. I would do it not only out of the love for my kids, but also for the love that I still ahve for my wife.