Thank you. I noticed the link on skald's thread and read it earlier. He'll see it when he gets home tonight. I think I'll print it out and put it on the wall so we are reminded daily.

We are starting to take turns reading HNHN to each other every night before bed. We will read SAA separately. We also want to take turns reading our favorite books to each other. We talked for a long time last night and decided to work on one day at a time.

Skald at this very moment is having lunch with OWH. He is personally handing a copy of the NC letter to him and apologizing for the hurt he's inflicted. He believed OWH to be a monster by everything she said about him to everyone, and it really opened skald's eyes yesterday that when I told OWH about the calls, he was very supportive of us working on things and defended skald to me. He said that skald will have a hard time getting past this and he prays for us all the time and believes we can get past this and have a wonderful marriage.

For my piece of mind, Skald thought to ask OWH to text me and let me know they were having lunch so I would know for sure that's where he said he would be. Usually we have lunch together every day along with DD.

Also, we have come up with a sort of "visual" system for the NC. My WH is very visual (as most men seem to be), so I suggested we "X" out every day that there is NC. That way he can "see" how far he's made it. Last time it was 2 1/2 weeks before he slipped, and he can't believe he went that long and lost it all. This way he'll be able to have a visual of how long it's been and maybe a better way to strengthen his resolve.

GOOD PLAN !

Pepper:

Sorry for the (very temporary) TJ...could you post the link of the "notable posts" you did a few days ago.

I am particularly interested in the thread on affair-marriages I saw within. Thanks and sorry again.

I mailed the NC letter today. She should have it tomorrow or the next day.

Thinking of you this morning and praying for you and your husband.

How are you today?

I just read the quote in your sig line.

It is beautiful!

That quote is another one of the blessings/miracles that keep landing in my path. I came across it yesterday and it was SO right! Things like that make each day easier to bear.

This site is another one of those moments. I was nearly out of hope and I did the same Google search I'd done numerous times and for the first time MB popped up. That day changed the course of our lives. My guardian angel was surely guiding me that day. We have met the most amazing, inspirational people here, and I thank GOD everyday for all of you.

Thank you for all the prayers. I can tell they're working.

drgnfly,

Just caught up on your thread and saw your NC letter. Wow. I think it's better than any I've seen in the books! Even more so after SMB's small but powerful changes. Left absolutely no room for misunderstanding.

Still, I know from experience that OW's can be very hard to shake. Mine was wicked on that score too. Marking the days of NC off on the calendar sounds like a great idea...not just for Skald, but for you too! I think you'll both be very happy when you X off one more than the last go at NC. That will be a good day.

You've done an excellent job throughout, and I really hope it leads to a strong recovery.

Blessings on you both.

Right Here Waiting

Advice please?

My parents are flying home next weekend. I am supposed to pick them up at the airport which is 3 hours away. Normally Skald and I would do this together, but he is uneasy about making the trip this time. He has seen my Mom since D-day, but he hasn't seen my Dad. They say that as far as they're concerned nothing ever happened and they still love Skald as much as they did before and if this is what I want they are behind us 100%. However, we're both afraid it is going to be very awkward and uncomfortable for the 3 hours driving home.

I was hoping to go down on Saturday do some Christmas shopping, stay the night, and pick them up the next day. I thought it would be good opportunity for us to get out of town and have some family time, but it won't be that much fun if we're worried about the confrontation the next day.

Any ideas on how to handle this?

POJA this with Skald. It's an excellent opportunity to try out your shiny new MB tools.
POJA starts with both being HONEST about how you feel ... then brainstorming a solution you are both happy about.

May I suggest - do not tell any lies if asked a direct question.

My husband furthered our recovery the day he called my parents to apologize - they were gracious and his apology did not hinder our recovery at all - just the opposite.

Skald needs to be feeling strong about himself when he makes an apology like that - so, it can wait until he's got his feet firmly underneath him.

Great plan to spend some time together with Skald.

I would NOT avoid the car ride together.

not to mention...you being away from skald for 6+ hours on a weekend is NOT a good idea right now!


Very important for everyone to be open and honest about what happened if it comes up in discussion.

drgnfly,

I can empathize with this situation. My FWH could not face our two grown children in the early months after he ended his A. Unfortunately, I had little sympathy for his position at the time, and was upset that he wouldn't deal with our kids. He'd hurt them too! I think your approach, being concerned with Skald's feelings so early into this, is admirable.

Learning from having handled this a different way, here's my take: If Skald is not ready to deal with this issue with your parents right now, it could negatively impact your early recovery. His first priority has to be getting himself on surer footing with himself and with you. This may cause some discomfort in other relationships for a time, but which relationship MUST be repaired before any of the others matter?

Could you take TWO cars to the airport city? Do your shopping, have some fun, stay the night together there, and Skald heads home the next day. You head for the airport to meet Mom and Dad.

During the trip from the airport, I don't see how you could avoid any conversation on this topic with the 'rents...it is too important to ignore, and they are deeply concerned about you. Perhaps you and Skald can decide together what you will say to them while they are visiting.


Right Here Waiting

I talked to my Mom earlier and explained that he's worried about it being awkward. She said there is nothing to worry about.

The other vehicle is a possibility, but I'm not sure I want him going home alone while I'm a couple hours away - driving by himself bored and having all that time to slip up. I do not trust that nothing will happen and frankly he doesn't trust himself very much right now either after breaking NC last time, so I don't want to make a situation available.

One thing that helped in the process is that we switched phones today, so when my Mom called me she actually got him. They talked for a while and she told him she loves him and can't wait to see him next week. He told her how much we miss them and he really meant it. He told me that it made him realize that he had fog about them too and that helped lift it a bit more and remind him of how much he does love my family.

He plans to talk with them face to face. He's not sure when, but he agrees that he needs to be strong enough to do it.

On the bright side, our DD will probably demand all their attention the whole trip home. She has a way of doing that and they are all to happy to oblige.

Well, then, if neither you nor Skald trusts him to have those few hours alone driving home, guess he should just go with you to pick up Mom and Dad. With DD in the car, it should be easier to keep it light. Maybe play "I spy" or some other car travel game. Christmas music on the radio and sing along? Skald in the back seat with DD, you closer to Mom and Dad?

How good of your mother to encourage Skald, now that he's made a commitment. Would Mom (and/or Dad) be willing to stay in touch with him after they go home to remind him how many people want this to work?

Skald showed me the phone activity for last week when he broke NC. In one day he spent nearly 30 minutes on the phone with her - every once in a while calling me to check in and then calling her right back.

I know slipping on NC is common, but the parts that hurt the most are that he must have waited until I was out of the room and called her, took time out of our UA to call her, and especially that he called her Thanksgiving night. Not only did he have to escape me to call her that night, but he NEVER even wished me a Happy Thanksgiving.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Hopefully I can process this and maybe salvage the day. I don't want to be upset and hurting all day long. I'm getting really tired of that.

Please listen to Pep.

The Wookie was SO afraid to talk to my dad, but everything "snapped" into place once my fwh showed my father that he held himself accountable for his actions.

Because of this fear, we spent a lot more time in turmoil and at a recovery roadblock than we should have if he'd just had manned up from the get-go.

And the Wook became a "real man" for all once he did it - even Pep gave a thumbs up.

Real men that love their wives, but made a mistake, apologize to EVERYONE that love the wife - because her pain is theirs.

This is part of my PTSD. It is just something you have to accept. I know it hurts. Nothing will make that better but success.

It seems like d**ned if do recover and d**ned if you dont. Either way the BS has to go thru so much Pain. and its seems that it is just never ending. I wish WS realized this before they abandoned their family and cheat.

All i can say is i am so sorry drgnfly. I can relate to your pain. Hang in there.

{{{{{{{{{{Drgnfly}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I know this really hit you hard. I had a very similar situation in our early recovery. It was a horrid day and I retreated to a very dark place.

I am sure that my hysterical rage terrified my FWS. I was so triggered out I think I lost my mind.

How did you respond to the information? How did Skald respond to your response?

You see, that's what really matters at this point. You are going to have moments like this. Many, I'm sorry to say. But if Skald is willing to really be there for you and not retreat during these times, and you are willing to let him in to be the one who gets you through it, your recovery will flourish faster than you can imagine.

I was shocked at how many times he called and how long the calls were - he HATES talking on the phone. Always has. I was crushed about the call on Thanksgiving. I was and am pissed about the calls from our home while I was somewhere else in the house. I can understand (to a point) that his trigger times are when he's alone, but to wait until I'm out of the room???!!!

I am trying to focus on the bright side. She made some HUGE LBs during those calls. He took a huge leap through (not out of) the fog after those calls. He still has the withdrawal to get through and the fog induced with it, but he has come a long way towards realizing the pain he's put me through and how close he comes to losing me over this.

As for his reaction - he tried to hug me and calm me down. I wasn't ready to be touched yet, but it was a nice gesture. He didn't get it at first as to what upset me so much, but once I explained to him, he was floored by what I said. He never knew that he didn't tell me Happy Thanksgiving even. He was pretty upset with himself for doing that to me and apologized many times. Eventually I was able to sit down and talk and we got through another crisis together. The day has gotten progressivly better.

He was a little odd a little later. He was getting defensive over stupid things and a couple other "out of the norm" kind of things. I blew the "foghorn" and we sat down to talk. He thinks it was the shock of seeing the phone records too. He couldn't believe that what he was sure was four times for 5 minutes at the most turned out to be so much more.

I am taking his phone away (he was ready to smash it) so he can't make those impulsive calls. I also want it to make sure she doesn't have his number, and in the distant future it would be nice to give it back so we can comunicate to each other. I am keeping it in my office at work so he has NO access to it. That way I can be certain he has no way of sneaking it to call her.

We have been making plans as to what to do when we run into her or have those weak moments needing to call. The one thing that really scares us is running into her at the store with our DD. We're afraid she's going to go running to OW because they were "buddies" when WH worked with her. DD hasn't seen her since WH quit that job, but she has an amazing memory thought OW was great. We decided that I would be the one to grab her and state that the OW is no longer our friend and walk away. Maybe someday WH will be able to take care of this, but we both decided not to put him in that close of proximity to her. He can continue down another aisle while I do clean up. :twobyfour:

Thank you