Ouch...months. I was hoping weeks. Oh well, I gotta do what I gotta do.

Right now she has good days and bad days. Some days I am her best friend and some days she's mad as heck at me.

Should have HNHN in any day now. That should help me shouldnt it? I already have figured out all of my LB for her.

Rusty, do you have Surviving an Affair? That will be the right book for you situation. I know it is frustrating to wait, but once contact has ceased, you will start to see changes. Hang in there!

Dont have it yet. None of the bookstores around here carry it and I dont have a credit card to order it online. One bookstore told me last week that they could order it for me, so I am going to do that.


ETA: Is plan A a bad time to quit smoking?

No contact is the most important facet of getting to recovery right now, so be very vigilant in that area.

Withdrawal is a rollercoaster of emotions from your WW. One minute ready to rebuild the marriage, the next minute she wants space, or even a divorce.

Weather the storm with quiet confidence. As Melody said, romance her as she'll allow, without smothering. Do thoughtful things for her, such as the lunch the other day. Leave a note or two around the house for her. Put your wedding pictures out on a coffee table and leave a note inside on one of your favorite pictures. Quiet, subtle things, as they add up and make a difference. Remember this...no ONE thing you do will make an impact. It's a combination of ALL that you do that makes a difference.

Stay calm and focused, and don't be drawn into her fog. Reply with the mantra, "I don't do separation or divorce, I only do marriage", when she goes off on needing space or time to "consider things".

You are on the right track. "After an Affair" is a good book to read together with your WW if she'll do it. "Surviving an Affair" is more like a handbook for YOU to guide you through the same tactics you are getting in advice on this forum.

Knowledge is power, so the more you can read and learn, the better you'll be able to pull off the necessary steps to win this war!

You are doing fine...

Thanks for the input. It is kinda hard to romance her all the time since she stays at her moms and spend 2-3 days a week at work. The days she works, she stays at a friends house to not have to drive so I dont see her at all.

She was looking really depressed tonight while I was over there with her and the kids. I asked her what was wrong and told her I would listen. She wouldnt tell me at first saying that I had broken her trust by telling OMW. Later, though, she went on and told me she was feeling depressed because she was missing OM(NC in 5 days).

I sure hope he doesnt try calling her or anything, I would hate the whole starting from the beginning of withdrawal stuff.

My compy of SAA will be in Thursday or Friday. I will read it over the weekend and then her mom wants it so she can get a better understanding of what is going on also.

You are so untrustworthy, Rusty!! Dat is highly funny.

This is good news. So far so good! You can also bring your MIL here and we can answer her questions.

Thanks.

We had couples therapy yesterday and it is actually working really well. I dont know how much she is getting from it in her fog, but I am gleaning loads of info on her. It has helped me discover LB I do that I might not have figured out and why they are LB for her.

Yesterday our topic was "my betrayal of her by telling OMW". We went through about 40 minutes of her telling how hurt and all she was and then it happened. She said that one of her EN she was getting from him was conversation. She said that he would call her every morning to ask how was work and all that. She was so upset that it didnt even taper off, it just stopped cold turkey. Guess I will call her on the mornings after work and see how her day went. Maybe I can move in there and cover that EN for her.

One day at a time.

Well, today she erased OM number from her phone and changed my name back to my actual name, no more explicitives for me. I guess I just cant give up until I call and it pops back up as baby since that had been what it was for years.

How do I know if I am coming on too strong, or smothering?

Also, are there stages to withdrawal?

No more stages to withdrawal that what we've described. A roller coaster with highs and lows. The only change/improvement you'll realize now is so slow that you almost have to look backwards to see the improvement.

She'll tell you if you are smothering her, trust me. Minimize relationship talks, and set some rules. Maybe 3 times a week for 30 minutes, with "safe" exit strategy is someone is getting mad or out of control. Then call a time out, collect yourselves, and resume.

The rest of the time, make every attempt to "normalize" and re-kindle what once was. Make your attempts to fill her lovebank small. Don't go for the home run, just get on base.

Do thoughtful things for her, intermittently, not constantly, to avoid the "smothering". The notes, little, inexpensive gifts, or flowers, not a dozen, just one and not red. Favorite foods or places to go are a plus, if you can get her to go with you.

Think of clever, creative ways to keep her thinking about YOU and not the OM.

Thanks for the info.

Yeah, I am doing all I can for her. She called me last night to tell me she was coming home early from work at 3a.m. She said she didnt feel good and she didnt know if she could get into her moms house at that time of night. Wanted to make sure if she couldnt that it would be alright for her to come over here.

The only times she has told me I was smothering her was about 2 weeks ago. I kept touching her on the hand and all that and she doesnt really like for me to touch her right now. So i just do the occasional hug, holding her hand for just a second when she is upset tellign her it will be ok, that kind of stuff.

Yesterday she told me that this has taught her a few things. Like don't date a married man(duh). I asked her what else it taught her, because she said there were others, and she said that was for her right now. She still doesnt completely trust me for exposing to OMW. Oh well, just looks like I have my work cut out for me.

Rusty,

Perhaps you should explain to her, that she CAN trust you to do the right thing. Om's W deserved to know, needed to know, and a man of honor would indeed tell OM's W of the affair. So you did.

End of discussion. Repeat as necessary.

God Bless,

JL

That is one of the things I told her and keep telling her when she brings it up. I also tell her (because she says it for herself) that she doesnt deserve to be this guys piece on the side to just do it whenever he feels like it. She is better than that.

Since she told me that if I ever told OMW that we would be over and never have a chance, I also tell her that that is the chance I took for her.


This is taking a lifetime.

You are paying a "counselor" to listen to 40 minutes of fogbabble?? Do you need to pay someone to listen to that? Couldn't you get that for free and stay home and save gas?

Please tell me you are not paying this "counselor" money?

ya know, I can talk some serious SMACK for FREE, Rusty!! Won't cost ya a cent!

WW sister is paying for most of it. Only costs me $25 a week.

While she has been talking about a lot of "fog babble", she has also slipped a few things that she wouldnt tell me alone.

The biggest thing for me is we ride together to get there, spend and hour there, and then ride back. It is actually our only non-kids time alone every week.

well, at least you got something out of it on the ride over, because listening to fogbabble is about as valuable as eating potato chips. But eating potato chips is much cheaper!

Did the "counselor" correct her on anything or just there like a stump trying to look "WISE" and earnest?

He corrects her on stuff.

Our first meeting he pushed for her to end A with OM and go NC. He is pushing her slightly that NC is the only way to go.

You should get her on the phone with Steve Harley. There is no "slight" about it. There is no [censored] footing around with him. He does a full boat SALES JOB on the WS to bring them back into the fold and sell them on the prospect of having a passionage marriage.

See, the WS does not believe they can ever have in their marriage what they found in their affair. Steve sells them on that prospect. And he is DARN GOOD at it.

Would your SIL pay for a few sessions with someone who knows how to sell waywards?

I spent over $1000 on marriage counselling sessions with no results. I was told to use the Harely's and I decided it was too expensive and too impractical from Australia. I did a shocking quasi-Plan A...

Now, I am in Plan B.

Please take Melody's advice and use the Harley's. It will make all the difference to what happens from here and is a much better bet than what you are currently doing.