Hi, I am a junior member and I was the one who started the topic: 'Name Change' and got many good responses from many people out there.
I can't find that topic on the forum because it's been a while since I was last on, but I still have a dilemma.
My wife and I get along pretty good - BUT - her crazy daughter keeps on pushing my buttons and angers me to the point where I just have to yell out at her and treat her as if she was my own.
This kid is now 14 years old and has been in special Ed classes since the 3rd grade.
I think she has the mentality of a 9 year old because it shows.
She was spoon fed up until she was 11 and could not distinguish the value of a dollar up until the same age.
She always instigates a fight between myself and her because she tells me that she enjoys seeing other people squirm.
She thinks she is the most beautiful, most popular girl to have ever walked the earth.
I think she is, and has always been, the most spoiled, conceited, self-centred person I have ever met in my life.
Every time she and I get into an argument, it always causes a disruption in my life with my wife.
My wife will always stand up for her daughter even if she is wrong. She will always tell me to watch my mouth and my attitude with her daughter but can never control her daughter to stop causing problems.
Her daughter would love to live alone with just her mother the way it was in the old days in their condo when she first got divorced and before she married me.
We did not speak for 5 weeks last june because of what her brother did to me and this made her decide to change her name back to her maiden name. I have been swallowing this up until now. I even booked a weekend in Vegas just to re-kindle our marriage and hopefully make her change her decision to go back to my name. We had a great time, but it didn't work. She tells me that she will keep this name for at least 5 years before she even thinks about changing it back. I certainly can't live that long to wait for that. I feel very embarrassed to let my family & friends know that I am living with my wife under a different name. Keeping my name at marriage is a very traditional way of life in my background and I strongly beieve in this for many reasons.
The other day her crazy daughter started another fight with me for fun - I yelled at her and told her off. My wife comes to me and says never to speak to her like that again and that she will never change her name back to mine.
Now, we had never mentioned this name changing thing in any type of a discussion for over 3 months and she automatically brought this up because she knows that it hurts me to know that she does not have my name. Reason for that; because I hurt her daughter by telling her off.
The mother in law is OK with me now - more than usual anyway.
But I can't live with this retarded daughter of hers. She really enjoys seeing other people suffer and she even tells me this with a sinister smile and laugh when she says it.
There is something seriously wrong with her - I think she missed a gene at birth or something. She always had tantrums when she didn't get her way by falling to the floor and whining and yelling up until she was 12 years old.
She starts screaming at the top of lungs to get some ones attention when she is being ignored. She has to be in the spotlight at all times no matter who or what is more important at the time.
I need help on how to deal with this (fast) because I really don't see myself being married in the upcoming year to follow.
Can some one please help!

Abandon ship before you go down with it.

Great advice . . . . .
Can anyone else help me ?

WhaHappened,

It appears you married your W knowing her daughter has special needs. If you didn't know at that time that a special needs child requires a huge commitment from her parents, you know it now. It is exhausting, physically and emotionally, to raise a child who is challenged by cognitive deficits, mental illness, and physical challenges.

Yet all you can think of is your own resentment towards this child because her needs conflict with yours. Unfortunately, the child was there before you were. Marrying her mother did not make her needs suddenly go away. Your words towards this child are cruel at best.

If I were in your wife's shoes, I would probably choose the child over you.

If you want to fix your marriage, start by thinking about your wife's emotional needs. I bet that domestic support is quite high-- and that means she needs you to be a real help with her daughter, not make cruel remarks about her. I bet that if you got on board and acted like a real, loving dad, and stopped acting like the child was competition for you getting what you want, your wife would become unbelievably warm and grateful.

The fact that you are a "traditional" male does not exempt you from the virtues of kindness nor from the requirement that to make a happy marriage you must try to meet your wife's emotional needs. Simply put, you must find a way to do this if you want to have any hope of your wife's meeting your own emotional needs for a "traditional" wife. It works both ways.

I don't know what to say - except thank you.
This is very true what you suggest but also very difficult.
I never knew her daughter had special needs and to this day I have never been told such, so I still don't know.
All her schooling and report cards and telephone calls regarding her well being are kept totally top secret from me.
No one has ever come out to say that she needs special attention.
B U T >> I can do some of things you say for my wife and in turn for myself regardless of what condition her daughter is in.
I just have to learn to ignore her daughter a little more and concentrate on my wife and let her deal with her daughter.
Is this right?

A harder, but better way, would be for you to ask your W if there is any way she would like you to help with her daughter that you have not been doing. Tell her honestly that you really want to make sure your wife is getting what she needs in her marriage to you.

Then listen very carefully to what she tells you. If you want to come back here and ask how to put in to practice what she tells you, we'll be happy to help.

It takes a real man to be willing to help his wife in this way-- as you see it is the much harder way.