Diva,
Does God hate porn? I would guess that based on the fact that we are told in the New Testament that even looking at another with lust is in fact adultery, that God does hate it.
As already pointed out, we know His feelings on Adultery, which He saw fit to include in His list of His ten most important concepts.
God also has said that He hates divorce. (Malachi 2:16)
It has also been pointed out already that there are two things here to look at. The first is your husband's unfaithfulness and his repeated lying about using porn. This is a serious issue and one that may or may not be able to be resolved. There are places where he can get help for his problem including
Every Man's Battle and associated programs from
New Life Ministries. The problem of course is that until he wants to solve the problem it isn't going to really happen.
This may in fact be something over which you should separate from him. If you can no longer tolerate his using porn, then you need to set a boundary for yourself that establishes a time frame for him to commit to getting real help for his addiction to porn, which is likely what is going on here, and remaining away from him until he gets on board. Until he suffers consequences of his continued porn use he is not really likely to change anything.
But the second part of this is your Emotional Affair with this other man. While your husband does have issues that need to be addressed, it in no way makes having any kind of affair while still married right. Considering God's view of adultery I cannot fathom Him blessing such a union let alone bringing it to pass. This other man is NOT a gift from God but rather a tool of the devil.
Now I am not saying that OM is a demon or demon possessed or a really bad guy in most ways, but anyone who would begin an adulterous relationship with a married woman, no matter how bad he perceives her marriage to be could ever be acting on the leading of The Holy Spirit. God would not lead someone into something He has already says is wrong and He clearly states that adultery is wrong.
Both the New and Old Testaments speak against adultery and as I said earlier, Jesus himself said that merely fantasizing about it is the same as doing it. This applies to you as well as to your husband.
Others have already told you that your relationship with this other man is not a real relationship at all. You do not have a life with him that could be called real in any sense. You only see him at his best and not when he is at his lowest or worst. You never have to pick his socks up from the floor beside the hamper because you are not his wife and you do not do his laundry. You don't have to deal with sick children together in the middle of the night, unpaid bills, a house that needs upkeep, dirty dishes or any of the things that come with a marriage.
Even if your husband never gets over his addiction to porn and you do end up getting a divorce, you owe it to yourself and to your children to at least attempt to salvage your marriage. Running from your marriage without actually doing the things that might fix it will not lead to happiness in the long term. There will forever be doubts and nagging thoughts of "what if?"
And I would suggest that if OM were not anywhere in sight, you would not be as prone to want to leave your husband. Affairs don't just happen, but are allowed to happen. While your husband may not have been doing everything he needed to do to make you love him, love is not simply something magic that happens to us in a vacuum. It isn't magic at all, but is a response to stimulus created by our Emotional Needs being met. To allow another man to meet your ENs while married is allowing yourself to be dragged into falling in love without a fight.
I KNOW that it feels like this other man is "THE ONE." Nearly everyone involved in an affair feels this way. It is because a chemical reaction is happening in your brain that is the result of the feelings this man creates in you. You are in fact addicted to those feelings and when you don't get that fix from OM you are sullen, unhappy, depressed and restless. This is exactly what any person that is addicted experiences when they do not get the substance to which they are addicted.
This concept of addiction is not merely an analogy either. It is in fact the same chemicals affecting your thinking that are in play when a person smokes crack.
But another chemical comes into play during an affair as well. That chemical is testosterone which stimulates the urge to mate in both men and women. The presence of testosterone also suppresses the chemical oxytocin which is the chemical responsible for bonding and the nesting instinct. So your affair is driving you toward this other man at the same time it is making it impossible for you to feel love and a bond for your husband.
You have two problems, Diva. One is that your husband is not the husband he has been called to be by God. But your bigger problem right now is that you are involved in an affair. Anything you might say or do to make your husband's problem the reason for your affair is really just self serving justification for what your already know is wrong.
I suggest that you ask your pastor what his opinion of your relationship with this other man is. If you are both members of the same congregation it will probably lead to one of you having to leave. This is NOT based on what happens going forward but on what has already happened. To allow this type of sin within the church is a death sentence for any leader of the Body of Christ. Paul spoke very clearly about this type of situation and nowhere in the Bible does anything even remotely condone an affair for any reason.
When David had his affair with a married woman and had her husband murdered to cover it up, it cost him a great deal. The child that resulted from the union died and it also cost David the position of moral leader of his family. When his son raped his half-sister, David was in no position to challenge him for his sin because he himself had done as much and had compounded it by committing murder. It ultimately led to a rebellion by one of his sons that nearly destroyed the nation and tore the family apart. It eventually led to the division of the nation after the death of Solomon.
God in no way would ever condone adultery because He has said it is wrong. He established marriage and set it apart to be an example of His love for us. He took the woman from the man so that without his wife a man was incomplete. She was made to be his helper, his partner and his completer. Without his wife the man is incomplete. Without her husband, the woman has not fulfilled the purpose for which she was created. The two are to become one, not that they might enjoy each other but so that each might do the will of God.
Marriage is not something that is made to make us happy. It is made to make God happy. It is His institution not Man's. Marriage is so that we can do together what neither of us can do apart; that is, to fulfill the Will of God.
Unbiased? Not a chance...
It's hard to be unbiased when you have read the Bible for so many years and have seen marriages destroyed by affairs.
I could make a case for you divorcing your husband based on his repeated use of porn. I could never make a case for you to divorce your husband and marry a man you began a relationship with while still married.
And I don't think anyone ever could using the Bible or any Christian precepts.
If you want to do what is right, then end this adulterous relationship, cut off all contact with the other man and attempt to heal your marriage. If you cannot after actually doing what it takes to maybe do so then you have fulfilled your part of the equation.
And an oft used phrase you might want to consider as you fantasize about this wonderful other man is "If he'll do it with you, he's likely to do it to you."
50% of first marriages end in divorce. 75% of second marriage do as well. Over 95% of affairs end within two years of their beginning and of those that end in marriage less than 3% result in a marriage that lasts beyond five years. Of those asked that have been in long term marriages that began as affairs almost to a person they claim 10 years down the road that the second is not better than the first and they are no happier with the new spouse after ten years than they were with the first.
Happiness doesn't come from marriage. Marriage comes from marriage. Happiness is fleeting. Joy comes from doing the Will of God. Marriage is God's Will and adultery is not.
Mark
