Dear MB friends,

First of all pls let me call you my friends because finding the folks at MB and reading from your posts has helped my deal(somewhat) with my WS's EA/PA with OM. If not for MB, I would have already gone crazy and would have done things that I will live to regret forever. Again - "Thank You!".

D-day was 5 weeks ago. As you all said, lies were everywhere as to the extent of the A, I had to endure the pain of peeling layer after layer almost daily over the next 3 weeks until she finally admitted to everything. My WS had A with former university lover OM, it went on for 6 weeks until Dday, PA once on Wk3 when I was on overseas trip but calls 5-6 times a day throughout. Yep, blames, accusations and attacks has been aplenty but thanks to MB I knew what to expect and was cool and calm throughout. This has caught her by surprise.

I am following Plan A - exposure to her family (although I could not contact OM's wife and WS said she only had OM's hp and not house phone/address - more lies?), although not yet to our 3 children (4,9,10) whom as far as I know have not been aware of the A as WS/OM only met n person for a day (I can verify this, kids are blissfully unaware) - should I still expose to my children? Should I expose some more now?

I have followed your advise on imposing a strict/supervised MC and she understands this (although she lapsed on Wk2 saying she called him to end it officially - duh!) but as far as I can gather there has been no other contact . OM is in a different state, married and has 2 daughters. Allegedly he is divorcing his wife (WS talk?).

I have deposited EN's aplenty and have actually enjoyed doing it. I understand that I have both to control myself, deposit EN and not expect any returns, Tough, but thanks to MB I am surviving so far.

As my work requires me to be overseas a month at a time, I have taken a sabbatical for 3 months from D-day to focus on M. But I cannot Plan A for much longer for this reason. Is it safe to be away at all after Dday even after 3-4 months?

WS is in fog but she says she's confused. Last night she finally confessed that she expected me to Plan D straight (I am a religous/traditionalist man) but was very very surprised why I was gentle, understanding, forgave her and continued the ENs instead. WS says her heart tells her to leave and go to OM but her brain was telling her otherwise. She says the OM attraction now is "he is the forbidden fruit" and that pulling her away from OM makes her want OM more. She said she wished that Dday did not happen and the A would have died its natural death. Fog or not, I have not relented. I maintain monitoring her MC but I have said that I will not fight her if she wants to go now. She wants me to make that decision but I have kept with Plan A. I said "if you want to go, then go, I'll not stop you and I'll make sure the children will not be deprived of their mother but I will not back out even if you don't love me YET".

I know I cannot accelerate the fog clearing but how long can I keep this up? She reads MB once or twice and says she now understands the pain that she has put me through. I am not convinced but unfortunately a couple of days ago she saw my pain clearly when I broke down uncontrollably when trying to be intimate with her (that was unexpected!). I have printed stuff from MB like SMK Chronicles and Tenderheart's letter to demonstrate that there can be hope afterall. I dont't know whether any of this is getting through to her.

I am getting tired of trying and trying. Beginning to think whether she is worth it since she is the one who chose A. At the back of my mind I question whether she will ever change and this maybe an opportunity for me to cut my losses and look for somebody more deserving of my love.

Help!

p/s if you're reading this Mrs Wondering, her story is identical to yours....

I would not be leaving her for a month at a time. If she can't travel with you, get a new job.

I guess gemela's fog lasted about 12 monrhs. It was a very long time. She was also torn between leaving with OM or staying with the family. NC is critical. Gemela broke NC about six times. When I finally had NC in place, if she had broken it again, I would have bought her the plane ticket. There is ony so much you can take. Do Plan A only as long as you can stay sane.

But your WW can change.

I am trusting you guys on the change thing.

Update - OMW text her today saying she knows. WW is completely terrified if OMW will confront her.

That could very well be a RUSE. I would not accept that she knows until you track her down and tell her yourself. A wayward would have no qualms about making such a text to stop you from telling the OMW. I would quietly track her down via intellius or the phone book and talk to her yourself.

The travel job will make it next to impossible to recover your marriage. I have a GREAT marriage and traveling caused enormous tension and detachment in my marriage even after 7 years of recovery. [we were apart 3 nights a week every other week for about 2 months while we relocated to another city] It is hard on GOOD marriages.


I suspect it was your job that caused the conditions that led to the affair in the first place. That has to change.

Hi Trax,, umm just a question. How can you be sure it was the OMW that texted your wife?? I mean if the OM knows that you are trying to contact his wife, perhaps he texted the message in hopes of stopping you from contacting his wife and having his A exposed?

Anyway just my first thought on the message.

Best of luck and keep posting, there are alot of great people here!

F-26

Email her back and give your phone number. Tell her that you want to make sure it is her and not the OM playing a game. Ask for a meet if you can.

Yes, I guess for BS, we're too eager to assume any flicker to be the light at the end of the tunnel....

Ok, I've "borrowed" her hp and am keeping hope that the OMW will text again. I get it, I must speak to the OMW as I'm sure my WS and him may have their own spin even if she's got evidence. Until meeting you guys at MB, I myself bought in to the spin.

I hear you about the job situation. I guess it did contribute and I was not too sensitive about it since I skype video almost daily but I know now that wasn't enough. In fact she did mention that she didn't like the arrangement a year ago but I was naive then.

piojitos, how does one survive "the fog"? My WW says that OM now occupies her heart and expect me to pull out all the stops to win her heart back. This OM just spends a month with her and suddenly he is fully adored like a H! Where did our 12 years go?

I feel like I've been spit out, stomped and then expected to rise up and recover from this all? How do I keep sane?

Ummm...this ia a little off.

Sure you won't physically STOP her...but if she goes you'll consider her as abandoning the marriage and children.

You CAN also just say "NO".

If she's looking to you to make the decision, then good Lord...make it. She can't go.

Don't take Dobson's "opening of the cage door" so literally and tell her she can go, and you'll hold down the house and kids while she figures things out for awhile because that is a WW's dream. Why make a decision today that they can surely put off until tomorrow.

If your situation is similiar to mine (as you say) then OM is far enough away that she really can't go to him without your consent. Don't give it...ever. She can walk out the door and go...don't concede, don't carry out her bags for her, don't pack the car for her or give her spending money nor best wishes. Give her EVERY impression that you will be speaking to an attorney ASAP if she goes (don't threaten or give ultimatums...just let her infer she's making a serious CHOICE at the moment she leaves). Once she's gone and comes back...THEN you can choose to continue Plan A or not.

Anyway...just wanted to clarify that....NO PREAPPROVAL.

Mr. Wondering

You guys are right! By a stroke of coincidence, I've managed to contact and speak to OMW and when we exchanged notes, we've discovered that both of us knew half of the story. WW and OM had even taken a holiday together right under our noses!

OMW had exposed OM and his whole family - and said OM had confessed fully and repented and is working hard to save his M. Nevertheless OMW and I are monitoring NC.

My problem is WW doesn't seem to be remorseful. She says she is so but displays arrogance stating that the entitlement for A was there and what makes me furious is that she is enjoying Plan A saying that "this is the time for her compensation"???? I'm thinking to expose more as right now she is more concerned about how many people knows about the A rather than working to save the marriage and win me back.

In fact, I think despite the fact that she actually expected me to Plan D, she is a little bit in panic that OM has gone back to his wife. WW has not confessed to the parts that I found out from OMW.

What should I do??

I would not be wuick to give up my job (if its a really good one that I enjoy) for an unremorseful WW.

If OM had really confessed fully, then OMW would have known a bit more than just half the story.



First of all, it's you trying to win her back, not her trying to win you back.

Secondly, exposure is a tool to end As. It should not be used vindictively.



You mention to her that you've spoken to the OMW and found out a lot more about her A. You'd prefer to hear the truth from her, not from someone else. I would not push it further than that at this point however. She's still in the WW mindset, and not open to discussions about truth, honesty, or any of the reasonable expectations you'd expect for a good M.

I'm not a believer in Plan A'ing an unremorseful WW. If you've got the stones to do that then there are people here who can assist you but you've got to be willing to really eat a mountain of dung.

Wow,my WW's one tough cookie then. Yup, OMW knows everything because at exposure she had both of our halves. OM cracked almost immediately. So much for my WW's "knight in shining armour".

WW however has kept up the mindset for almost 6 wks now. Her EN is attention/romance so I have done a lot of really romantic stuff during this time - made a video, cards, notes, surprises, etc. She does get bowled over but I think the core WW has not melted yet.

I've read 72Dude/rainisgone's story and I am relating to 72Dude for eg. the NC issue. Btw, I couldn't find rainisgone's thread - it will be useful for me to get into my WW's head so to speak. Can anybody link me to it?

And yes, I've not quit my job just yet......

Sorry I've not been posting for a while, want to update you on the progress....

Have been in touch with OMW and we have been talking over the phone over these past two weeks mostly to encourage each other and updates on our progress in putting in place the MB principles. OM seems to want to go back to OMW and I'm happy for her. Also, I'm sorry to say that it is nice to have another who understands your ups and downs and help you pull through the difficult times when you have to Plan A and keep sane at the same time. BUT, there is no romantic interest or EA with OMW and we have made it clear that if any than NC will automatically be in place.

Well, my WW found out last night about me and OMW and went beserk! Its as if our relationship is the same as her EA/PA. I don't know what to say - except my LB for her is now almost zero, watching her angry outbursts reminds me again of her A which is something I've already came to grips with. For once I blew my top last night.

WW is so so selfish. I've been Plan A with her and she knows about Plan A but instead of understanding she's full of Love Busters now. I'm spent. I think now if Plan D happens, it happens. WW has shown me what kind of person she truly is and I'm beginning to question whether this is a person I want to spend the rest of my life with....