N-B<BR>Again sorry for making you feel bad on a previous post. I really didn't mean to do that.<P>I saw on your post to Zip that you were having an exit affair. That is what my counselor suggested my w was having and which I started to believe.<P>How did you decide that you still wanted to be with your husband? My w seems to be having that problem. I wish my w would show me the regret your are showing here. I guess it may be too early for that.<P>I have been very good about not throwin the affair up to her and am trying to Plan A her. <P>Your input her would be of great benefit to me.<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited October 18, 1999).]

Just getting this to the top as the new post are coming fast and furious!

Sorry it took so long to respond. I'm at work and can't check often until I get home...<P>anyhoo... I replied to your apology...no apology is needed or necessary. Just how I was feeling too!<P>How I decided to stay with my H: I saw my H becomming a shell of the man he used to be, crumpled on the floor crying his eyes out, and I realized I still loved him. I'm not gonna tell you I ended it that second with the OM, because it took about three weeks after that realization. For awhile I believed that I loved them both. Plus, and how handy this was: the OM could not commit to be by leaving his SO. He kept asking for more time and I'm not a very patient person.<P>As you well know by now, it has been a minute by minute struggle for me and my H. I do look at him and realize there has been love there and could be VERY STRONG love there again. I'm certainly not to the VERY STRONG part, and neither is he. But we're trying.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<BR>Sorry to hear you are having a rough time at home. It sounds like you may need to have a heart to heart talk with your h about how his attitude is hurting you. <BR> <BR>It sounds like he is trying to unload all his problems on you as this is a weak time for you and a strong time for him.<P>Hang in there ! If he agrees to go to talk to anyone I would think that it would be good(as long as that person can be objective!)

You said you were having an exit affair. Does that mean you were planning to leave your H anyway and the affair just sort of happened ?<P>I'm just trying to figure my w out? I can't tell if she wants to stay or really wants to go and is just screwed up because of the affair.

RWD,<BR>I believe my W also had/is having an exit affair. When I finally gave up (for the most part) is when she told me that it doesn't matter if the OM leaves his W, she is going to leave me. All this time (3 years), I could never be or do anything good enough for her and by me trying wore out my welcome even more. Now when she looks at me there is nothing in her eyes for me. No hope, no remorse, nothing... she wants a new life and right now I am not even in the viewfinder let alone the picture.

RWD,<P>Yes, I was planning on leaving my H first. Then I met the OM. I had been falling out of love (okay, it was the mid-life crisis talking) since November 1998. He'll tell you the same. I met the OM in January, and by March he had told me he "wanted me". I got deathly sick first, because it went against everything in me, but then I reconsidered. Three months later it was over, and had produced one hop in the sack, which I can no longer call "making love" because it wasn't.<P>My H never listened to my cries for help. I wanted him to save me. THAT IS NOT TO BLAME HIM FOR MY AFFAIR. It just means that I wanted his attention and found a way to get it. I wanted him to rescue me from myself - and maybe even the OM. <P>I am sorry that things are not clearer for you with your W. My only saving grace (besides God, of course) is that I am brutally honest. Whenever my H asked a question I was truthful, to a fault, I sometimes think.<P>Ask anything you need to... I'm an open book.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Your story is very close to my w's. I'm not sure if she was planning on leaving me or not but my counselor did( we did joint counseling with her for 3-4 times prior to my w leaving).<P>We spent a Fri nite at a fancy hotel in March(w arranged it as a suprise to celebrate a promotion I was after for years). Unfortunetly I did not respond as romantically as she had wished and I think that may have been the final straw for her. I believe they started the emotional affair not to long after that She said they had jsut been friends at work and just talked about their lives and one day they hugged and the sparks flew.<P>They met for physical affair In Mid MAy and I learned about it that weekend. We went to one counselor and after she said she wanted a divorec anyway. Then a week later when om didn't show up when she went away for a nite they decided to give their marriage 3 months to see if they would work. Thats when we went to joint counsleing again. <P>Afte a month, om called our house again and I discovered my w was calling him. When I confronted her about it she said she loved him and not me and when I said she couldn't live here and date she moved out. OM left his wife a week later and they moved in together. They lived together for 2.5 months till om dumped my w and moved back home with his w.<P>My w continues to live in apt alone saying she doesn't feel anything towards me, bubt would move back for the kids. I want more than that so she is staying in the apt.<P>I read in another post about a woman who had some emotional and neurological problems. MY w is being treated for depression and also determined she has low self esteem.<BR>This lady had similiar problems and feels it caused her to marry her husban out of a need for love not because she loved him.<P>I'm wondering if this is my wife's case?<BR>A counselor she is seeing told me she is a "high maintenace" person needing lots of love and admiration which he thought nobody could provide.<P>You said you realized you still loved your husband because he was turning into a shell.<BR>I have done the opposite because I now have 2 children to take care of. Also my kids have been very strong, they do not cry about or seem to miss their mother much. I think its because she ws working alot(second shift) and they were use to me taking care of them alot myself. She had also started to wothdraw last year. She never did anything with the kids at school last year. She blamed work.<P>Don't know where I'm going with all this rambling. Just looking for answers.<BR>I thought my wife would come to me tearful asking my forgiveness, she hasn't . Did you ask your husbands?<P>It almost seems now like she has put the affair behind her and is trying to decide now that she is out of the marriage should she keep going and get totally out.<P>I getting my self depressed again. I have to stop thinking about the negative and key in on the positive.<P>

Okay, RWD, to answer:<P>I BEGGED my H's forgiveness, and he has forgiven me on some days. Others, he just can't muster it. Hates me all over again.<BR>Such is the life of a betrayer.<P>Here's my advice: LET HER COME HOME EVEN IF IT'S JUST FOR THE KIDS. Here's why... she will be there for you to show love, to show mercy, to try to win back. But, I have to ask, IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT?<P>Also, I worry about kids who don't cry over their mother leaving. Are they in counseling? How old are they again???<P>What do you think of my advice??<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>