He didn't have the vasectomy until August. They started their friends with benefits relationship in January. He had sex with her twice after the surgery, and yeah, I'm sure he didn't use protection. That's nice to think about...

Are you in the continental US?
I think a call to the Harley's is in order.
You are definately NOT ready for plan B.

What about that?

link

have you watched this video?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

Plan A OR Plan B is WORTHLESS until you expose the affair and get them to stop working together! Do you understand that? They MUST stop working together.

Why have you not exposed to their work and their families?

He has no family. Only child, Dad passed when he was very young, Mom hasn't been seen since she left him with Grandparents who have also passed. We live over 1200 miles away from my family. His only friends are the ones he works with, and I can assure you that they are giving him high-fives for having his cake and eating it, too.
The industry that he works in is not all that fussed by this. They prefer to sweep it under the rug, and keep up appearances. From what I understand, this is quite commonplace with the people he works with. They could care less. I wrote the letters, haven't mailed them yet.

So you're saying there is no one in y'all's lives who cares about what he does to you?

So, he TOLD you he explained to his supervisor. And he TOLD you what happened after that (no change). And you believe THAT because???? He's lied about everything else, hasn't he?

I say mail the letters. You might want to post them here first, so we can help you make them most effective. Then you'll KNOW his management is aware. Even if it doesn't result in a firing or a departmental move, you will KNOW that they know. And there may be some who will react. There is always SOME fallout when an A is exposed.

You mentioned not having done a good plan A because you come unhinged. I had a lot of trouble with that too but got better over time as I understood how important it was to control myself. You've been struggling for a year now, though, and your situation doesn't seem to have changed. Do you think you could mount a solid Plan A now, carrot and stick? That is, trying to meet his ENs and avoid love busting, and full EXPOSURE?

I'd recommend a call to the MB counseling center. When you talk to Steve or Jennifer, take notes and then follow their advice to the letter.

This is the letter. I found it posted elsewhere in this forum. Changed some of the finer points, to serve my purpose.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

And, yeah, I have to take his word as to what is going on at his work. I don't work there, so I don't really know. And, again, I'll never know. Just another perk from constantly being lied to. The letters are going in the mail tomorrow, as long as you guys don't have any suggestions to revise it. Although, I think this will effectively end my marriage.
I have been meeting his emotional needs. The Love Buster's have been hard to avoid. This is all very hard for me. Especially when he's telling me that I've been the perfect wife, couldn't have done anything different, and couldn't have done anything to stop his affair. He was just being "selfish", and knew he could have both.
We did have a great weekend, though. Only because I didn't mention the affair once. I just wanted a couple days that all conversation didn't have to revolve around him and his whore.

Expect your WH is be extremely upset. He will say things like "we had a chance and now you blew it" or "how could you do this to me?" or "how can I ever trust you again?". STAY CALM. Do not apologize for exposing his A. I don't know if you have read this, it may help. One of our wise folks on here wrote it.


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
________________________________________________


This has been going on for a year now and nothing has changed. You are going half crazy and he is cake eating. Unless you get a plan and stick to it, life for you will remain the same.

All your yelling and crying will not stop him from carrying on. You are a witness to that. His pain, his discomfort is the only thing he cares about enough to stop the A. He has to feel the consequences of his actions. He doesn't because there aren't any.

If you want your life to change you are going to need to establish some boundaries. You need a working plan.

tjp,

Michele is right. WH will be furious. So what? Aren't YOU furious over what he's done? If YOU can get over it and fight for your M, he will too, once the fog clears. From what I've seen, very few WH's stay in their fog (or their affair) indefinitely. It WILL blow over.

When he challenges you on exposure, tell him, "This affects MY life too. I am fighting for our marriage." Probably won't mean a hill of beans to him right now, but it's an answer to shut him up, and it happens to be TRUE. Do NOT get into a knock-down, drag-out with him over this. Just state your truth calmly and walk away, end the call, whatever.

Let's see how his company handles this. Even if they do nothing, you have taken a bold, difficult step in the fight to end the affair and save your M. So, be proud of your courage.

Right Here Waiting

I appreciate your thoughts, MicheleG and RHW. I have mailed the letters. I will be back when he is informed that letters have been received to let you guys know what happened. You thought the letter was good, though, right?
At the moment, my plan is to give him until the end of the school year to make the changes that I've asked for. Actually, there was only one thing I asked, and that is the one thing he WILL NOT do. I called him last night while he was at work, and told him again that he has to get away from her. He said that it is impossible. I just cried. Told him that he has made his choice then, and while he is at work with her, the knives that he plunged deep into my heart are being twisted.
Doesn't matter, though. He's made his choice. His job means more to him than his family.
And it makes me sad.

I am going through similar right now. Don't be sure that he believes this forever. Certainly he will tell you that, but as others have suggested once the dust settles he may(or may not) recognize that you helped him. Assume that in his current mental and emotional state there is no way he truly knows how he feels.

tjp,

You've mailed the letters. Good.

Assume your WH is living at home with you while he's cake eating. Is this true? Are your children aware (in age-appropriate terms)? Your parents/siblings/good friends? Since he has no family, is there ANYBODY he give's a rat's patoutie about besides his coworkers? THINK!

Sounds like you've not been doing Plan A since you learned about his A (and may not even now know what that is. Read the links on the homepage here. All of them.).

Yes, you are devastated and angry. Have been for a year now. But if that's all he sees, you're shooting yourself in the foot. Why WOULD he choose you over OW, who is probably sickeningly sweet to him, admiring everything about him, blah, blah, blah. You simply MUST SHOW HIM that YOU are the better choice! STOP the angry outbursts, even if you have to bite a hole in your tongue to do it. Get control of yourself. It's the only way to get the ball rolling in another direction.

Have you read His Needs Her Needs? Love Busters? Surviving An Affair? All by Dr. Harley, and all FULL of things you NEED to know in order to reverse the course of this past year. Please order them and start reading and applying. Not just for your marriage. For YOU.

And please stay with us. There's almost always someone reading who is willing to help.


Right Here Waiting

Hello tjp.

I'm 4 weeks past D-day and learning a lot. Just today I've come to the conclusion that the exposure phase for me is not over. I've told my family and some of our very close friends, but she's (WW) been telling other people that "we're having problems" but not revealing that she had an A. A couple of those people are cousins of mine. Others are her friends.

I know I need to expose the A to my cousins.

I'm not entirely sure about how to expose it to her friends. That may very well backfire. I've begun by asking one of them for help in identifying my WW's EN's. We'll see where that goes.

Good luck tjp. It's a loooong, difficult process. From reading here, I think I've underestimated the need for continued exposure. I exposed the PA, which I think has stopped, (unintentionally maybe), but not the continued EA's with guys on dating websites.

I'll pray for you.

Willy, this is bunk!

Stop worrying about backfire and grow some backbone! Stop worrying about making her mad. Of course she'll be mad. You're trying to stop her fun.

But shouldn't it be YOU who is mad? Huh? BS's go around shaking in their boots, scared to death that the WS is going to leave them so they'd better be especially nice to the WS so they don't move out.

Guess what? You have already lost her, if you do nothing. She's addicted. The only way to stop the addiction is an intervention. You are the only person in the world who can cut off her supply.

The WS who gets mad at you is NOT your wife. She is an alien in your wife's body, and one day, after this affair is over (and she'll have either moved on to another guy, or you will have done this right and she'll be back with you), she will realize what you did, that you were fighting to get her out of the fog.

Don't listen to a single word she says - it is NOT your wife speaking.

tjp....can I ask what field your H is in. The reason I ask, is this sounds SO MUCH like my H and ALL the people that he works with. No one saw anything wrong with what he, and the SKANKY OW were doing.

My H's field is HVAC

To quote Step 3 in the For Newly Betrayed Spouses thread:


Her family will not influence her to stop her adultery. They will only encourage her to "do what's right for you." And at the moment, what she thinks is right for her is very wrong.

But if you DON'T tell her family and her friends then you give her the opportunity to spin the trouble between you into something that is YOUR fault and you stand NO chance of getting them to even say that she should do what's right for her. Their opinion will be that she should leave you at once and they will tell her exactly that.

The bottom line is that what's right for her is what is right for the marriage and somewhere deep down inside herself she KNOWS that.

Exposure will make her madder than anything that you have ever done. It will make her tell you that you blew any chance of ever staying together and that you have sealed your fate.

Before you buy that from her consider this; how many times has she already lied to you about this? Why would you believe her when she says there is no chance?

A BS has two tools to work with in all of this. One is to change what he/she has control over, that is him/herself. Meeting ENs that might have gone unmet in the past shows the WS that there is hope that those needs can and will be met going forward by the BS and reduces their perceived need for the AP. Coupled with avoiding Love Busters this shows the WS that a better relationship is possible.

Imagine a crack addict who is losing his pusher. He is at a complete loss as to what to do now. The thought of giving up the drug and the high it brings is overwhelming and he feels like he must pursue his dealer and do ANYTHING to make sure the dealer is going to be there in the future. But suppose the addict finds out that there is already someone who is willing to supply that drug and that it can be had cheaper and whenever he wants it instead of having to seek it out. The drug is waiting as soon as he gets home and will be there for him whenever he desires it. And all he has to do to get it, is stay where he is instead of fighting to maintain the dealer that got him hooked to begin with.

This is the goal of Plan A's meeting ENs and avoiding love busters. The BS is showing the WS that they can get the feelings they desire without having to go after the affair partner and paying the price.

The second tool a BS has at their disposal is to expose the affair in hopes that SOMEONE will make it less comfortable for the affair to continue. Exposure also causes the affair to not remain hidden and the actions the WS is taking can be seen by others for what they really are, a violation of the marriage vows and not merely a response to something bad the BS is doing.

Before discovering an affair a BS is completely at a loss as to what is going on and why the distance continues to grow bewteen him/her and the WS. Once an affair is known about it at least gives the BS something to point to and say "This is it. This is the problem." And that is a correct assessment of the situation. The affair IS the problem. But for those looking in from the outside, the problem is NOT understood as that at all. All anyone else can see is that the relationship is failing. The BS admits things are not going well and the WS tells folks that the PROBLEM is the BS.

So exposure sheds light on the trouble between you so that others can see what is really going on. While it might seem impossible for the family of the WS to "take sides" against the WS, it still gives them a frame of reference from which to make judgments of the BS. Until the family and friends know what is really going on, the only thing that others see is what the WS shows them. The LIE becomes accepted as truth and the BS is the bad guy and the relationship with the AP is a rescue of someone who is in a bad situation that is not of their own doing. By telling them the truth, the LIE is seen as just that and at least they are aware of the possibility that the affair IS the problem and not merely something that happened after the marriage failed already.

Two tools...

Improve oneself to become the spouse that the WS might want to stay with.

Expose the affair to family and friends to gain support, pressure the affair to end and bring the dirty little secret into the light of the truth.

Not much to work with, but it's all a BS has. Leaving one in your pocket while trying to use just the other makes it a really long road to follow.

Mark

I just found the OW parents address. Does anyone have a sample letter to inform them of the affair? The one I used for exposure at work will not fit the situation properly.
Thanks!

tjp,

I don't have such a letter, and it seems no one who does has responded. Why don't you just do a rough draft and we'll help you with it?

Be sure to include that you are the betrayed wife, that you have proof of the A, and that it's tearing your family apart. That you want to put your marriage right and keep your M and family intact, but she helping to prevent this. Ask for their help in persuading their D to do the right thing, for her sake as well as yours.

Let's see what you can put together.

Right Here Waiting