Scr3w this. Just kill the computer. Re=format her hard drive or snip the wires on the power supply and then practice your innocent face. She can't afford a new one, right?

If my wife continues to chat online with OM, I figure it will be easy for me to open up her computer when she is gone and simply cut some of the wires on her network card. She'll never be able to figure it out.

Anyway, last night my wife left the house in her car from 9:30PM to 1:30AM. I'm keeping a journal of her actions. I locked the garage door opener so she had to come in through the front door and open the garage door from the inside...

This morning she asked if I did something to the garage doors and I told her that I locked them and she asked why and I said "to express my displeasure with your driving around and talking or seeing OM"

She didn't get mad. Instead she said that she didn't talk to him last night..... I didn't say anything back but just thought to myself "her lips are moving so therefore she is obviously lying."

This morning I offered to take the car to the repair shop to get the brakes fixed as discussed. She was surprised that I was actually serious about that. I got the car fixed and she text messaged me saying "thanks for fixing my car...."

She's been pretty easy going tonight. I don't know what's going on with her and OM. She hasn't gotten on the computer tonight yet. She went to the tanning salon for 30 minutes. When she gets back, I have to leave for an hour or two to take care of some business.

When I get back, I'll find out if she's going to have a chat-a-thon tonight and if she does, Thursday when she's gone from the house to take my step-daughter to her Dad's, I'm going to ambush her network card. I'm so SICK of hearing her DANG turbo fingers typing to OM in the next room. Even if I pop a movie in, during the silent moments, I can hear "TICK TICK TAT TAT TATATAPPPPPPP!!" AAAHHH! MAKE IT STOP! That's how I feel.

Jim, I'm not afraid of just man-handling the computer while she's here and putting the software on, but I think there is a chance that things with OM are going south so I want to hold off on that major LB for just long enough to gauge the current sitch.

I'd just slip in and kill the computer. It's a step to no contact. Any flack coming from the OM probably isn't helping you. They are probably figuring out the most comfortable path to her post marriage life. Besides, he is getting to fill ENs, conversation, etc, that you should be.

Based on the last chat that I was able to monitor, WW and OM were at each other's throat! WW was complaining that I was going to file for full custody and she doesn't have any money and OM was telling her to get over it and pressuring her to get a job. After the conversation, WW was throwing things all over her room...

Yesterday when I reiterated that I was going to file for full custody, I'm hoping that it caused her and OM to have another LB session. I can only hope. But I am definitely going to kill the network card on the computer if she chats with him tonight.. I just can't take it any more. She'll be forced to drive around in the car and talk on the phone.

If I can get the monitoring software on her computer, I'll replace the network card so that I can monitor their chats to be back in the loop again.. I really liked knowing what's going on between them because it allowed me to plan my next move accordingly and gauge my success.. Right now I'm flying in the dark...

This makes me wonder if she isnt planning on shacking up with the OM this weekend. Erich, that agreement has to be GONE. This has given your W the sense in the past that you endorsed her affair. She has very very BRAZEN in her affair. You have done good job of turning that around but this is another area that needs to be addressed if it comes up.

Hopefully, it doesn't come up, but if it does, I would let her know you won't be available EVER AGAIN to babysit for her so she can conduct her adultery. You are not a babysitter for wayward mothers while they carry on affairs.

I am hoping the OM dumps her for this weekend again so you don't have to say anything.

She has a contract with the tanning salon and she can only go twice per month and if she doesn't go by the 10th this month, she loses her tans for this month... She has always tanned because it helps her relax and she likes the look.

But I am NO WAY IN HECK going to babysit the kids for her to see OM. I cringe everytime I'm reminded of my past conduct in that respect. She told me yesterday that our step-daughter's Dad asked WW to keep step daughter this coming weekend because their house is being re-floored. So looks like WW won't be going anywhere this weekend. She'll only leave our son with me alone for extended periods, not the daughter yet.

Anyway, I had a couple of interesting finds just now while snooping through WW's room while she's gone. I found a copy of page 93 of SAA that talks about disrespectful judgments under some papers on her bed so she's been reading SAA that's been sitting on my nightstand!!! WOW. I hope she's reading all of it. I think she copied that page because I've been guilty of disrespectful judgments in our marriage, something I do need to work on..

Also, I found on her calender booklet that she was apartment shopping on Monday--that's where she drove around to all day. Also saw on a piece of scratch paper that she is going to get her name taken off our utilities and our Sam's card...

Lots to digest..

Correct me if I'm wrong.......but you KNOW your WW is having an A! Why do you need to keep snooping??? All it does it cause you extreme pain. You need to catch that computer and smash it to pieces. You need to STOP contact not monitor it!

That's a good question. Part of me wants to know the inside scoop of a) how the relationship between WW & OM is going and b) what are my wife's plans regarding D or separation. I know that if I cut the internet out, WW will simply go for a drive and call OM on the phone, which admittedly makes the A more difficult, but still carries so if it's on the internet, at least I can see how things are going..

The other part of me wants to simply cut the internet and just make it as difficult to communicate as possible...

Am I just not thinking clearly? Should I just cut internet and not worry about how OM and WW are doing and not know how whether I should go to further exposure? I'm not 100% about what to do here..

I would expose everything now but I thought you'd already done that? If your goal is saving this M (which by the way I don't think you should) then I would make contact as difficult as possible...cutting the internet.

If however your through and want to see whats going on for custody, divorce reasons and providing you can take the daggers you feel while reading it, then its fine to monitor communication.

Thats the way I see it...but there are wiser ones than me so perhaps you should wait for more advice

Erich,you seem so caught up in snooping and doing Plan A, that I do not think you are thinking clearly(understandable with this trauma). Your wife is seriously disordred. You have her own parents telling you to seek sole custody. They know what their daughter is.
I think you should step back and think about what you are pursuing here. She's a twice convicted physical abuser, who has been married 3 times , who continues to hurt and disrespect you. You want to stay with her? She's handed you a get out of jail free card here.

Zelmo, I understand why you would say to end the marriage and it is easy to come to that conclusion when you put these facts together but there is also a lot that you don't know about wife. I don't feel like I need to defend her and explain why I fell in love with her and why I still want to be married to her but suffice it to say that I do want to save our marriage.

Given the fact that this website is designed for the purpose of saving marriages and that as of now I am still committed to saving our marriage, I would appreciate advice and help on how to save my marriage.

Zelmo, I respect your opinion and appreciate your concern for me so please don't feel like I'm against you. It's just that while I'm trying to salvage my marriage, it doesn't help to hear people say that I should just end it.

Now, the time may come in the not so distant future that I may decide that my marriage is not worth saving, and at that point, advice on how to proceed with that train of action would be helpful but until then, Plan A is still in affect.

Just an update. All the time that I have been home tonight, my wife hasn't chatted with or called OM. She hasn't spoken to me much at all though. Maybe she's going through depression and withdrawals? I'll take that as a good sign. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm brushing up on how to avoid LBs and meet ENs.....

I really do believe that if my wife was in love with me that she wouldn't be tempted to have another A. Believe me, I did more than my fair share of LBs and didn't meet her ENs during our 3.5 year marriage and I realize that now. I think that if I could follow Harley's rules, we could have a great marriage.

Erichh

Another reason for saving the marriage is that regardless of a wife's antics, it is the task and biblical responsibility of a husband to love his wife.

May God give you the strength to endure. May He change her heart that you should overcome. But if not, may you have gained wisdom to be a loving husband and father.

Fight the good fight!

I can respect that. I was involved with someone I consider similar, at least in terms of the history I know of your wife. So, I may be biased and do not know the full story. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Well, I think things are going pretty well. Rather than going with the OM representing a fantasy life, he is representing full time work and a lower quality of life. And apparently a nag to boot.

So she is apartment hunting AND reading SAA.

My W condo-hunted after our D-day, with my blessing. We even went over budgets. Gave her a wakeup call about finances.

she is going to be all over the map, that is why I'm not sure any plans she makes are going to mean much in the long term. My W and I made 50 relationships decisions in the first 40 days, and all of them are irrelevant now.

I think your play is to just lay low, let her thrash around, you be the stable part of her life. If she wants to pick a fight retreat. If you are forced to engage do so in a very calm manner. Say she tried to pick a fight about custody, just say "Sweetheart, we've already talked that through. We don't agree, I told you what I would have to do. I don't think it is constructive to keep fighting about it now. I want us to stay together and raise our family" then retreat into your room or whatever.

The important thing in all this is OM is NOT offering a better life for her.

Oh, another thought, it is said that it is sometimes better if affairs die a natural death rather than a BS "breaking up the fantasy with the soulmate" (the way I did.

It sounds like her relationship with OM is rapidly corkscrewing into the ground. My guess is she was throwing things around because he won't leave his W.

My W was very sad about that, I had to hear about it, that was weird. She was like "Well, the relationship is history, because he has decided to stay with his wife, it doesn't matter what I want, so don't worry about it." All with a basset hound face on her.

Odd how WS share that stuff, I hear it here all the time that they do. I guess it is open and honest and all that stuff, but it is surrealistic to sit through....like they want my sympathy that she is forced to stay married to me.

Fog.

I am just going to lay low for now like it's been suggested. I do get the feeling that the A is doomed. WW seems like she is in deep thought...Not her normal happy-go-lucky self. I think reality is sinking in.

I've gotta avoid LBs and meet ENs!!

Patience, grasshopper.

I went through it in August. there is a VERY strong "fight or flight" instinct, it will be in both of you.

Be the calm, steady one. Vent here.

What she is LOOKING for in her life right now is calm and steady...

Wow Erichh, you cannot BELIEVE how ironic this advice is from this source (no offense Mike)

Truly this is the voice of experience of one who did COMPLETELY the opposite. I guess he should know...

Those who can do, do. Those who can't do, teach -- H.L. Mencken :-)

Not that our situations were exactly the same, but I told Erich earlier in the thread how nuts I went. It was not productive....actually, I guess that is hard to say. I certainly blew up the A. Time will tell. Given my personality, W actually says I was amazingly forgiving....I didn't get physical. Her and the wimpy little OM had talked about how they would be in the ground if they were ever caught.