You have ignored the main point. People are not healed, they should not be dating. Would I bend on the year. Yes, if they had IC, and were told after six months their IC say' their ahead of the healing curve go for it.

Why do you think so many marriages fail?

Too many people marry to soon, every time.

Are you blind to the number of people in society, not just the ones that come here with multiple marriages under their belts. The majority have not learned with repeated failures. They keep jumping from the frying pan to the fire. Complaining that they keep on getting burnt afterward.

A BS not the blame for the WS affair. But has to share the blame for the marriage going south. Share the blame even when it was all the WS fault for the marriage going south, because if they married a big jerk what does it make them? A bigger jerk?

The year is needed to get one healthy mentally for a relationship, and to learn how to screen out the jerks before the say I do.

Yes, it's so mature to say I can't wait to date, I am not complete without arm candy.

Just as back in high school. Look and me I'm desireable. I'm with the other cool kids. Single, who me, you've got to be kiding, do I look like a loser?

Life is not fair because it is filled with to many variables. Part of being mature is playing the cards you are dealt the right way.

Calling a king an Ace doesn't make it right. Dating because you want to does not make it right. One can not cry about that they don't like the cards they were dealt. Man up and play them.

One has a bad marrige they have go about it the right way. Short cuts in the end never work well.

I agree with you. But most people do look for the quick fix.

MEDC seems to be going about it the right way. I think Lemonman waited for over a year to date.

Then there are those like Brett and Faithinme who got divorced and remarried within a few months.

I think some people are combining 2 separate issues (or maybe I'm separating one?). To me, dating is going out socially with someone of the opposite sex. This is far different from becoming exclusing with someone and developing a long term relationship that leads to marriage. Honestly, I don't think you should attempt the latter until you've done the former for a while. In other words, it's not just about time to heal from the divorce, but time spent to "see what's out there" so to speak.

Divorce is often compared to widowhood - and rightly so since both involve a great deal of grief. But I don't think you can apply the same rules of widowhood to divorce. Traditionally speaking, the widow(er) was required 1 year to mourn - which parallels this 1 year past divorce guideline we're seeing here. There is a big difference, though. One is widowed when one's spouse dies. You know they're dead and they're going to stay dead. In an instant, you are no longer married.

For an adultery-induced divorce, first you have d-day, then you have a time period where the BS goes through Plan A/B or whatever system they might use in attempt to recover the M. At some point, they either abandon it, or realize it has failed. Someone, either the WS or BS, is going to file for D and there is another wait - a potentially long one if there are children and/or a lot of assets. The actual process can take years and years and can include a significant period of time towards the end where the BS has not been living as a married person. Most of their grieving is done. A lot of their healing has been done as well.

But now you want to punish them even more by saying no dating for yet another year? No social events or activities, unless they can go alone or find a same-sex friend to go with? It's silly. Definitely one should be cautios about getting involved in a relationship, but again, one shouldn't get involved in a relationship if one hasn't had a good look at what's available anyway - regardless of their reason for being single.

I think you are right too, Tabby.

In my case the affair went on for 3 and a half years. I tried to save the marriage.

Then I started dating after the divorce. But really, I only dated one man. I probably should have gone out with a few more.

I have a friend that I worked with who lost his wife after 35 years of being married. He remarried (to everyones shock) only 3 months after his wife died. But as he explained to me, he had known for 11 years that his wife would die, and did his grieving.

So he was seeing someone while his W was still alive?

No Lil. He and his wife knew his new wife all of their lives through church.

When his wife died, they both went to a grief group through church. He was grieving his wife, and the woman was grieving her divorce.

B,

In case your feelings for your x are still an issue for you, a dose of reality: The main reason he wanted/wants back in is money. It has always been $ when he wanted back before. Or when he pretends to want back. We have discussed this before.

Actually, your feelings are simply attachment in operation, not residual love.

Further, from Dr H hisself: “But there is more to resent than just the number of affairs a husband had in the past. In many cases, an affair is discovered while it's going on, and the unfaithful spouse makes matters worse by choosing to be with the lover and abandoning the spouse and children. That thoughtless act is a huge source of additional resentment for the victimized spouse. He or she not only goes through the pain of discovering the affair, but must also go through the pain of being rejected. The unfaithful spouse often moves away to be with the lover, leaving the spouse all alone to face the terror of abandonment.

With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.” Emphasis added.

ed: I think you should be dating any and every guy that interests you.

edd: I'd date you, if you hadn't given the Harley away yet!

LOL, it probably is about money. And the sad thing is, I don't have any money.

But, yes, my ex would be better off with me.

"But, yes, my ex would be better off with me."

What does this mean? Sounds sort of poor me like. In truth, he will be better off alone. Everyone on earth will be better off if he is on his own.

Hmm, how about I buy him off for you? Appears he mostly only needs drinking money. Maybe then he will go away and leave you be.

What do you mean by this Aphelion? I know for a fact mine would be better off with me as well - he just doesn't admit it. I'm sure the majority of BS's here could say the same thing. *I* am better off on my own.

Precisely what it says, I think.

But allow me to parse:

B’s x is a very poor risk in any relationship with anyone. Even as a friend - witness his OW’s xH, his fellow soldier.

He drinks too much. He philanders. He lies. He hurts others over and over for his own benefit. He stole all B’s savings and he still wants more from her. He is who he is.

IMO - The earth will be a better place when all who have done what B’s x has done, all who have ever committed adultery period, are standing in front of whatever god they believe in. They can explain themselves then. And the sooner the better. In the meantime everyone is better off saying away from them entirely.

Thanks. I reread it and it makes sense. Initially I thought you were talking about all WS's in general.

Actually, I was.

Then, leave your wife now.

I actually asked my xWW if i should be dating after her betrayal. I was 1/3 - joking, 1/3 - serious, 1/3 emotionally destroyed at that moment when i asked that question. She immediately said we should wait until the outcome. I dropped the subject. May be i should bring it up again !

As far individuals who went through the betrayal making great spouses, i completely agree. I learnt more about relationships in the last two months than i could have ever imagined. Couple that with (behaviorial) changes in your life, you have one heck of a eligible being up for grabs.

I still want my wife back but it is very hard not to think about other options such as dating when you are betrayed and rejected at the same time. It is very hard to describe and casual dating seems like an attractive proposition.

Hmm. Not sure if i understand what you said correctly. So you are saying just end the marriage as soon as you hear about the betrayal ? I dont believe it is that simple.

It is for some people. It should be for some others too.

Yeah, sometimes I wonder, if i was strong enough,if I should have booted him out long ago. At the beginning my husband insisted he didnt want a divorce, becaus of the money and that he was never gonna marry again. I wonder if i just said right away get out,filed for divorce and started casual dating, if it would have snapped him out of it faster.

Now i feel he has been eased into everything. move out, schedule for separate visits and now i think he likes being alone. he has been trying to get me to discuss divorce now too.

I feel I would be in the same position i am now w/ marriage, But I would have had a boost of confidence from dating and probably moved on by now.

sometimes i wonder if you dont truly get over this, you know triggers and such, until you meet someone else.

Well luckily Aphelion, we do have examples about what it looks like for the sexually immoral (which includes adultery) to meet their God. The Gospel of John shows us clearly Jesus' heart regarding those issues.

First, the encounter with the Samaritan woman:


Notice Jesus' focus wasn't solely on her sin, but rather on her relationship with Him...With God...

We see the heart of Jesus yet again in John with the adulteress:


People who commit adultery CAN and DO change...For Christians, it should be plain to see...There is great power in the Cross...A full surrender to God is what is required...





It is a matter of surrender and believing that God means everything He said (complete trust in that)...

I am so truly sorry that you have not seen this with your wife Aphelion. I wish you much peace in whatever you choose from here.

Mrs. W

This may sound sappy, but I think the question of dating again is about vulnerability. I don't think someone should date when they are vulnerable. I don't think someone should get into a serious R until they are both not vulnerable, but willing to be vulnerable.

By vulnerable, I mean for example if a person is terribly lonely, and they date, they run serious risk of lowering their boundaries/standards just to satify the desire to not be lonely. So I wouldn't date if I was vulnerable.

Before contemplating a serious R, I would not get into that until I was no longer vulnerable, (so as not to select a poor companion), but also not so jaded (unwilling to be vulnerable) as that I could not open up to that person.

As far as what timeline people should use. I think its up to the individual. Some people reach those states rather quickly. Others never do. But I think people need to decide that for themselves. While its true they may be kidding themselves about their current emotional state, an outside observer is not going to be any more accurate about it.

If I was asked to give advice to someone, it would depend on how well I knew them. On this board, I understand why people say wait. How well can you really know someone from a forum? So, lacking better evidence, its prudent to be cautious and advise waiting. I personally think that's why most mental health professionals often give such long time periods as advice.