November 13th - letter to OM
Hi thought you might enjoy these few pictures of me from Halloween, hope all is well with you. Where did you decide to go on your holiday? If you came to Canada hope it was a great visit. It is a beautiful country. You will have to let me know where you went and what you seen. So here are some pictures take care. Hope to hear from you soon.
(attahed were pictures I took of her at halloween wearing a sexy devil outfit and posing)
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his replay (weeks later)
Hot, hot, Hot, hot, Hot, hot.......................... Now it is my holiday has once again since a week past. it was really very beautiful but also very stressful. In canada we have unfortunately only Niagara Falls and really very interesting city of Toronto viewed. Unfortunately, the distance is very big, I could get used frequently to the USA and Canada for travel.It is now home to buy Christmas gifts announced. Really difficult to make everyone happy.Have you got everything gifts. What do I get :-)Perhaps the second part of your very very hot and sexy pictures - which are certainly not intended for children only for adults. I must first sort the pictures and you get a few pictures of me. promised.

But hope again as quickly as possible to hear from you. I hit you very firmly and up soon. kiss
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Todays letter to him;
Hello, I am happy you enjoyed your vacation. Hope Canada was good to you. I hear the falls are beautiful. We are finally going on a holiday as well. We will be going to Las Vegas in March. I am so excited to go, not happy about flying in the plane,but will be happy once we are there. I am almost done my christmas shopping,just a few small items left to buy. A good suggestion would be get a nintendo WII if possible. We enjoy ours so much, Rock band is so fun. I am not very good at it lol.... My kids will be getting a lot of new games for ours this year. We will be going to Brandon to see mom and Tanis for christmas, Always happy to go home. I have am off work from 19/12/2008 until 05/01/2009. Will be nice to get some work done in my house. We are very busy getting ready for christmas have been baking cookies and treats,and wrapping presents. If I do not hear from you before Christmas, have agreat christmas and Happy new year!!


So, yes this relationship was very inappropriate 2.5 yrs ago,
and yes I was considering leaving W because she was in contact again,
but besides all of that, besides the fact that she knows that I Hate she is talking to OM, and knows I can see her emails one way or another, and also considering the fact that this last one is completely innocent (she didnt respond about pictures)

i just dont get it

how she can choose this over my feelings and think to herself that he is just a frined and I have no right to dictate her friends.


I need closer on this asap. i need a counsellor to look her in the eyes and tell her that what she is doing is harful to our relatiohsip.
i need that to happen before months of counselling in other areas.

am I wrong here? i want this contact to end NOW. NOT because I think she is going to fly over and sleep with him, but I DONT trust him, I dont trust her, and I dont agree with her idea of what is right and wrong within this marriage, so THAT is why this needs to end. (well, and it hurts me duh)

would i be making a mistake by bringing this issue up front with a new counsellor? im so sick of this.

Sorry, I don't know your backstory (you should put it in your sig)

But that exchange is not a "friend" one, with the pics and all. Probably a moment of weakness on her part. The last one is innocent, you are right.

Would you consider an email directly to the OM from you? Sort of like "stop communicating with my W. If i see another email or you tell her about this one i am going to take action (vague). We are trying to repair the damage to our marriage you caused in 2006 (or whatever).

Yeah, I'd email him, too. You exposed before, right? Maybe you need to call those people back up and let them know they are contacting each other again.

When I think about doing that, and I have before many times, I often think about what would happen if W found out.

And in my situation, it is clear that she wants me to beleive that me interferring in it would be me controlling her.

I think for the time being I want to wait til we can find the right counsellor so she can learn why and how this relationship is effecting me/us.

Whether or not she already knows, I dont know.

if I take it upon myself to contact him to end the relationship, thats all it will do is end the relatiohsip.

when the truth is, the part that hurts me is the fact that she disregards my feelings about this. I am ofcourse concerned that it will progress in the future again, but I think my only option at this point is to get counselling for us. We need to learn how to be a married couple. If she knew and understood the cconcepts on this website, and even if she still felt it was innocent, this website would show her that what really matters is how it makes ME feel and how it effects OUR marriage.

right now she doesnt see, and possibly doesnt want to see that.

anybody understand that? or am I just bending over again...

exposure does NOT help me. The people I expose to fall into my wifes fog and sense that I am over reacting.

the only exposure that might help is OM's W, and I have no idea how to contact her.

If OM is still married to his wife, she should be pretty easy to find, no?

1/2 way around the world.

Well, again I apologize for not knowing the backstory, but was there a PA?

I think the upside to this guy stopping the dialogue outweighs the downside of your W thinking you are being controlling.

Besides, I think there is a good chance she'd never find out your role anyway. If the OM's W doesn't know about the affair, I'm sure the threat of exposure to her will drop him off the planet as far as emails to your W goes. Hopefully any future outreach from her to the OM would just go unanswered.

Your overall goal of her caring about your feelings is part of a reconciliation to a caring marriege. Her keeping the OM in her mind with communication doesn't forward that process.

One word for ya: INTERNET.

(And if that doesn't work, how much could it cost to get a PI to hunt down the info?

No PA. They had an email fling after a trip of hers to the dominican (thats where they met).

I caught it before it got out of hand, but i cought her 4 times. (2 yrs ago) it almost crushed our marriage then, and now she is contacting him again.

her theory is, it is innocent now and shouldnt be a problem, and I cant dictate who her friends are. I should stop invading her privacy and should not be worried about this at all in her opinion.

I suppose contacting may be helpful with respect to recovery. but keep in mind, she doesnt look at this as reovery. at BEST she made a little boo-boo 2 yrs ago, but now its fine and Im just insecure.

nah,
all I know is his first and last name, and that he lives somewhere in germany.

EXPOSE now.
To OM's wife.
To your wife's parents.
To your parents.
To your children if you have any.

(The suggestion of a summary in your signature is a good one, please do that)

Don't expect the counselor to be able to make her see how important this is to you. She has to FEEL the repercussions of her actions. She won't feel a thing when someone sits there and impartially and clinically explains this, even if they use words like "devastating" or "emasculating" or "emotionally destructive." She'll sit up and take notice if you expose, though. She'll FEEL that.

After exposure, the counselor can help you two work through her anger, her feeling controlled, and your need to set a boundary of NC with OM.

I'd blow this wide open.

Exposed it in 2006, she convinced her family that it was nothing and they went along with her.
Her mother has even used the term "insecurity" with me.

my parents are aware, and quite frankly they cant help anyway.

if i could expose to OM wife i would.

im thinking more now about sending om letter.

Let me see if I get this right??

She's going on a trip to Vegas . Isn't she addicted to gambling???? Why in the world would you take her there or let her go there???

i have that covered, weve discussed it already.

we are both going and she will be with me 100% of the trip, so im not concerned about that.

Sooooo, you're enabling the same type of behavior that you're having trouble with?? I guess I'm having trouble understanding.

we are going to vegas for 4 nights, we are also going to the damn, the canyon, seeing cirque etc...

we are NOT going to Las Vegas to gamble. she will likely not have any money anyway.

we have been wanting to go to vegas for years, and we have agreed that gambling will not ruin this trip before nor during it.

gambling isnt the only thing vegas has to offer. i know this because I dont like casinos but Im dying to see vegas.

What plan are you working??

none.
went through a/b 2 yrs ago, thought it worked, wife to this day says im great and everythings great, she just still contats him.

Well.....thanks for the backstory (there never was anything at all physical, right? Even in the Dominican)?

I must say, I have a ton of jealousy for BS who aren't dealing with a PA history. My W was EA for 2 years then PA for about 6 times in three months. It is a very powerful connection to unwind.

I guess the question I'd asked is, what made you categorize this as an affair rather than a friendship two years ago? were there like "I love you, you are special in my life" secretive emails, yada yada ?