Hello,
I joined today because I'm struggling to move on from some strong lies in our marriage. This is my first marriage, and I was honest with my husband that I did not want children. He told me he did have one from a past marriage, but she was getting ready to go to college and would be living with her mom. I accepted this, accepted her, and was okay with the situation.

Since we married I found out that he was married 2 times before (the one he didn't tell me about because it was annulled (sp?) so he felt it never happened) AND that he had another child. I also found out, in a rather unfortunate way, that he had terrible credit and a history of passing bad checks. I've tried so hard with each blow to understand why he lied to me and to forgive and move on, but I've been lying to myself as well. I am having incredible difficulty letting things go, especially the other child. It makes holidays and visits to his family absolutely miserable for me and I've found myself resenting and even hating his son. He doesn't live with us, but my husband stays in constant touch, we see them when we visit, and just saying the name makes my stomach upset. It has been years and I just can't let go.

I've also found I absolutely cannot trust him any more. I find doubt in everything and find myself LOOKING for lies (not a healthy thing to do on my part, I know).

I love my husband, but the reality is, I'm married to a different man then I thought. He apologizes and has valid explanations for things, but I just can't let go.

Anyway, I know the answer is probably therapy for me. But I dont' know if I should tell him how deeply this affects me. I've started the conversation before and I usually get the response "I've said I'm sorry what more can I do." We can't turn back time, and I really don't know what I want from him at this point, other than 100% future honesty, which is why I think I am the one that needs to work on my feelings and being able to let this go.

Anyway, there is obviously so much more to this story then this, but I'm basically looking for thoughts on regaining trust and whether you think I should confront him with my feelings and what kind of reaction I should strive for from him beyond his usual "I said I'm sorry, and I explained everything to you already, I wish I could take it back, but I can't."

I'm just confused, and this is the hardest time of year for me (holidays, spending extended time with his family). I just want to crawl under a rock and hide, and not have to face them all.

SHL,

What I suspect you WANT from him is a reason to stay married to him! You're reeling from a huge cache of dishonesty, and that's a mighty big burden. He's told you he's "sorry," but what else (if anything) has he said about it? Do you see any real remorse? Has he told you WHY he lied about these things? And you say that he has "valid explanations" for these lies...WHAT ON EARTH COULD "VALIDATE" LIES? N O T H I N G.

Bet you're wondering what ELSE you don't know...

He doesn't seem to "get" that it matters that your whole marriage to him has been based on lies-- personal, financial, illegalities, everything! Do you want to remain married to him, or is that part of your "confusion?"

How long ago did you learn all this? And how long have you been married to this guy?

We need a little more information, please.

Right Here Waiting

righthere, thank you so much for responding. It is so nice to have a "voice" to share with and not just the internal battle I usually have.

I do see remorse. And I agree, you can't validate a lie. The other marriage, the excuse was that it was annulled, he was young, stupid, etc. etc. The credit/checks he blames 150% on his ex and frankly I believe MOST of that (not all of it, because frankly even victims can help mitigate their situations by their own actions - and in this case he chose to not act and let her walk all over him). The child...oiy, it's a long story. I found out from his family, when his mom was going through a photo album. I'd asked him about the boy before b/c the name had come up, but he assured me it was his "ex's kid and he had NO relation/responsibility to him." When his mom showed me a picture of "his son" I confronted him again and got the truth. His excuse, he was embarrased and ashamed. He raised his daughter and took care of her, but had not seen his son in years because of his ex. He didn't want me to think poorly of him, think he was a bad dad or bad person, blah blah. I think probably there was some apprehension that he knew I didn't want kinds and his daughter was a HUGE issue for me before we got married and a hurdle I had to get through before I would agree to marry him in the first place. Knowing that, he probably felt if he told me about his absentee child, I'd not marry him, and then after we were married that I might leave him. But as I mentioned, post marriage I found out about him from his folks, get the story, and now this kid is back in his life and I'm just supposed to be okay with it. I've tried for going on 4 years now to fully accept and can't. We have been together 5. During the year things are better, but again holidays and visitations are killers for me.

He has made wonderful strides in cleaning up the financial side of his life, all debts paid off, and things are wonderful in all other ways other than 1. I still feel the hurt and 2. I will never see him the same way as the man I fell in love with before we married. It's the way I found out about things, he didn't tell me, I got blindsided. I found out about his son from his parents, I found out about his credit and checks when we tried to buy a house and the application was denied. Don't get me wrong, I still love him, and he would do anything for me as I would him, but I dont' feel the same way. The attraction is different, things are different, all with ME. This he absolutely does not know/realize. I dont' want to get divorced, I just want to be able to trust him and move on with our marriage. I want him to know how badly he hurt me and to do more then say he's sorry. I want to rebuild the relationship we had, and the feelings I had for him before the "truths" came out, and I think I could, if I could just let go of the past.

This is what I am trying to do.

Know that I can't change the past, so why dwell on it. Sit down and start on a new page. Read about Openness and Honesty and have your H read about it too. Then work on the present and the future. Believe me, I know how hard it is to not dwell on the lies, but it really gets us no where. Your husband needs to change in order for you to be happy (to be O&H), so see if he can. Ask him to be 100% O&H for the sake of your marriage. If his actions back up his words, I think you can get past this.

SHL,

HurtandShocked just said very succinctly what I was thinking as I read your last post. Your H needs to become Open & Honest. About EVERYTHING. And after the level of dishonesty you've witnessed, he'll probably need professional help to do it.

When he withheld important information from you before you married, it was because he KNEW there was a good chance you wouldn't marry him if you knew the truth. How very disrespectful. You had a RIGHT to information that would so profoundly affect YOUR life! And he deliberately withheld that information, essentially tricking you into marriage. That's no minor faux pax, is it?

Do you feel tricked, hoodwinked? All the "sorries" in the world will not undo that.

So what can he do at this point, apart from the good things you've said he's doing (that aren't enough, or you wouldn't still be in the state you're in, would you?)

Dr. Harley, the original Marriage Builder, says that when devastating harm has been done, what is required is "just compensation." By that, he means, the betrayer must expend Herculean effort to convince the betrayed of his sorrow and firm intention to make amends in every way he can.

For your H, that would involve what we call here "Radical Honesty." He must be as transparent as cellophane about everything.

He must also work with you to create a solution to the problem of how to deal with his son that YOU can be happy with. No more dragging you to family events and expecting you to "suck it up" because "it is what it is, you have no choice but to deal with it." HOW ARE YOU TWO GOING TO COME UP WITH A SOLUTION so that you are not offended or triggered by this child that represents his monumental dishonesty?

Is he prepared to provide THAT kind of "just compensation" to make up for those gargantuan lies he told you just to get you to marry him? Ask him. His answer will tell you whether you can ever get beyond where you are right now.

Good luck, and keep posting.

Right Here Waiting

Thanks to you both for all your thoughts. I know I need to let go. It's just so hard. I see pictures of his child at his place of business and get twinges of anger- here he is broadcasting to the world what he didn't have the decency to tell me. To make matters worse, his kid is into drugs and all kinds of trouble.

I do not want this child in my life, period. There is another huge issue. Would it have been different if I could have acclimated and accepted as I did his daughter, maybe...although given the problems associated with him (drugs, running away, etc), maybe not. It's terrible that a living breathing person is in the middle of this, but really, the only one that knows about it is me. I put on my fake smile and pretend with the best of them that everything is fine and I knew about him all along.

I think H would do things to the extreme to help ease the pain, but there in lies the problem, I don't really know what I want from him. I want it to go away, but we know that isn't going to happen. I want him to mitigate my unease during social things, but that could require him being honest with his family about isolating me and it has become 150% apparent that he would MUCH rather lie to me and let my hurt linger, then be honest with his family about this.

I feel like the more I type the angrier I sound, and the impression I'm going to give will be so jaded. It's not all bad I promise you, mostly it is wonderful, but I can't trust him, I dont' think he is responsible, and both of those are very important things to me.

SHL,

It's been a few weeks--has there been any progress in your talks about openness & honesty, or in working together to find a solution as to how to deal with his son?

You've said there is so much good in your M. Hope with time and work you'll be able to get past the hard part.

Wishing you well.

RHW

Hi SHL,

I think I understand where you are because I am in exactly the same place.

I feel tricked and cheated into my marriage. To make matters worse I am not even sure I can get over the fact that everything I thought I knew for the past 7-8 years has been a lie. I am trying to work on things for my 5 yo son and because I cannot give up without trying my best...

I found this article a bit helpful in identifying the why of the matter. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5016_qa.html .

I think a lie is a huge betrayal and if honesty is one of your values and top emotional needs, then it is an even bigger issue. No matter how small or big the lie or how well it is explained away.

My husband is also so good at apologizing for his lies, it makes me feel bad for being disappointed and upset. He will even cry when apologizing but then just turn around and lie again.

I hope you take solace in the fact that you are not alone.
Sorry I can't help anymore than this. I too am just as confused as you are:(

Hope things are going better for ya'll.

Keep well
Pp1