I discovered the A on 8/22/08, after 4 breaks in NC, she is moving out. Obviously, she needs her space to find herself. Of course, she isn't leaving to be with him, she just feels we need time apart. Sure!!!!!

Anyway, she is mad that I told the boys she had a realtionship with another man without her there. She wanted to handle it as a family. And, I am packing her stuff to deliver tomorrow and she wants me to hide it from the boys so they do not see it.


Too late, it is stacked in the garage.

I guess my question is, should I feel bad about this?

I worked Plan A from August to the last secret cell phone yesterday. She has continued to lie and hide it. She made her choice to be with him, so I feel comfortable handling this how I feel is best.

You have done the right thing. Go to plan B.

God Bless,

JL

You did the right thing Cantwalkaway. Your children deserve to know why their lives are being turned upside down and they need to know it's not their fault. They need the opportunity to be angry with her.

The only way you may have messed up is if you trash-talked their mother in the process. Children should hear the truth, but it shouldn't be full of name calling and other disrespectful judgements. I'm concerned about this due to the tone of your post. Even if you did do this, it's still better than not telling them at all. When you have calmed down, apologize for any nasty words or names you may have used, but not for telling them the truth.

And if she goes off on you about it, remind her that she said this:
Tell her that she should have handled her marital problems as a family rather than sleeping with another man while you weren't there.

I feel that I handled it right. I did not say anything negative about their mom. The anger is frustation comes from a day of thinking about it and her making demands on the way that this is handled.

She want to know who I tell and what I tell them.

Now, I just need to find a way to make her get a job. She is a SAHM and now I am financing her affair. That pisses me off.

The kids are staying with you, aren't they?

Then why are you paying her anything? You're not getting a divorce decree or anything.

I am not actually paying her anything, but I have not cut her off completely. It just seems wrong to me, she is the mother of my boys.

She is staying in her parents apartment.

Cut her off when she moves out.


Do not deny her the full reality of the consequences for her behavior.

Protect yourself financially. Do not finance the affair at all. Let the OM pay her bills. Once he has to pay her way and hear her compare her life with and without you - they may start lovebusting.

Better lawyer up quickly - the longer she is out of the house - better the cause of abandonment.

IF it goes to court - the issue of her leaving the house as a SAHM with 3 kids will not look good in the court's eyes.

give us more details - like has her parents been exposed to the affair? where did they meet if she is a SAHM?

Looks like you are doing OK - it sounds like it would be tough to be a breadwinner and taking care of 3 kids when their mother ups and leaves.

This is why she is still having an affair. You're being a milquetoast.

You did.


Tell her you won't lie for her because you do not want to teach your children that lying is ok. Tell her you tell everyone who asks. If she is ashamed of what she is doing, she should stop. You will not hide it for her. You are trying to teach your children how to be a good, moral person.


Stop giving her money.

It has been exposed to both of our families and our closest friends. Now, if our second ring of friends start to ask where she is, I plan to tell them that she has moved out to maintain her relationshiop with her OM.

They supposedly met at the gym, but I found out that he is an assistant manager at the Wal-Mart by our house. She did all of her shopping there, so that is the more likely meeting location.

Is it still abandonement if I asked her to leave? She was willing, of course. She said she told me we needed a seperation, but I would not let her.

Does it not look bad on me in the courts eyes if I cut her off completely?

Ouch!! I hoped I was being responsible and acting with integrity.

I just got a nasty vmail about her stuff being stacked in the garage where the boys can see it. She said I have got to stop thinking of myself and think of what I am doing to the boys.

Calmly and politely tell her that you are only thinking of the boys. Lying to them is not fair to THEM, but only to her. Hiding her affair could make them internalize her leaving, feeling like they did something wrong. If she would stop thinking about herself and think of her family, she would stop seeing the OM. If she is ashamed of what she is doing, why is she doing it?

What a vile and hypocritical slag she is. This email from her makes me furious - telling you not to be selfish.

I am sorry CWA but I can only describe how I feel about your WW in swear words.

I am having a real bad bout of anger and revulsion about my own situation today.

Everytime I start to miss her, I read my log of what has happened and the anger makes me feel better.

It feels good to not worry about her every single minute. To have her out and accept that she is with him and now I give myself to the boys and the work. It is oddly relaxing.

Does it defeat the purpose of the seperation if she comes to the house to pick up and drop off the obys? Is she getting a fix for the house by being here?

My brother is my IM and has moved in with me to help with the boys. Would it be better to have him meet her nearby to exchange the boys?

And, she continues to text me, saying that we have to communicate due to the boys, says my way of handling it is stupid.

I don't think it is a bad idea for her to pick them up at the house, as it will provide her with an opportunity to see how well you are managing without her.
If you can, make sure the kids are well dressed and the house looks good etc.
Don't take any of her bait re her insults. I would not even respond to her when she gets insulting. Just ignore that crap.
I respect you for how you have handled this. Depending on the laws in your state, she has really damaged her case for custody by moving out, as well as by having the affair. You've done very well with all this trauma.

Cant

You don't want her to get ANY fixes. So coming into the house or seeing you may be enough to get it and then go on. That's why we say go completely dark. You want her to know EXACTLY how life will be when you are no longer part of hers.

Have people here done a semi dark plan B? yes. Will it be just as effective? Probably not, but no one is going to tell you that you MUST do something. We're here to help you fight her A and have a chance of R. Having you not see HER is helpful to you. She will trigger your emotions.

Don't answer her emails or texts. Have your brother reiterate what you have already told her. You can already see how disrespectful she is of your wishes. She is stomping all over them. You have a very entitled and selfish WW. She has a long way to go.

Keep your life simple...keep her out of it.

"Hello darkness, my old friend..."

Well.... today is the day. I am delivering the remainder of her stuff to the apartments and then I am canceling the CC's and
her debit card.

I have a meeting with my lawyer this morning to tie up the loose ends to protect whats left of the money.

Her and her mother were upset with the fact that her stuff was in the garage waiting to be delivered where the boys and the neighbors could see it. Apparently, that leaves the boys in a bad position and makes them feel horrible. I have been told that as soon as I start putting them first, things will get better for us. The problem is that I keep thinking of myself.

Her mother thinks it would be good of me to give her some money to give her time to get a job, get on her feet, and save up. I told her that I though it would good of them to do it.

Last night at midnight, she sent this text "I know Ive put u through so much. I know Ive hurt u really bad. Im sorry I don't have any answers right now. Im sorry Ive been so ugly to you. Im just so confused right now.Your r a great man and youve done so much for me and those beautiful boys. Im just so sorry. Give the boys a kiss good night for me. Love you all, WW"

I guess we will see how she handles everything being shut down.