I can't write this, (I'm the WS), but I would really appreciate if someone could bulletpoint a list of what to do, what not to do, how to get it all back and better than ever.

(For a quick recap: my BH and I are working on the major issue of deciding whether he wants to be in the marriage/can recover, so it'd be great if this "magic list" speak to that initial decision that all BS's must make.)

(I know there is no "magic list.")

(I know it's fully his prerogative to leave. Another recap: I don't want that. I want him and our marriage and how good it can be.)

(I'm done now.)

As always, I appreciate any advice, insight, help.

There's no "recipe" to recovery, like you're asking for. A good book for both of you to read, however, is "Surviving An Affair".

Another good one is "Torn Asunder" by David Carder.

It has insights for both the BS and the WS.

Learn to meet eachother's ENs. Hit your target every time.

Eliminate LBs.

Be transparent.

Be open and honest. Radically honest.

Spend 15+ hours together meeting eachother's ENs.

Learn the fine art of POJA. It is priceless in R. Learn how to negotiate effectively.

Protect eachother and your M.

Avoid situations that expose your weaknesses.

Only allow your S to meet your top ENs.

Allow time to pass as you do the things that made you fall in love in the first place.


I'm sure I missed some, but ths is a start. This is a general list for both spouses. If you want specifics for either a WS or a BS, there will be differences for early R.

Hi all -

Thanks for the responses. Sorry for getting back to this so late - internet was out for a couple days. Back now!

I will look into those books you guys recommended - our therapist didn't have much to go on, and we've been through HSHN and SAA, so it will be nice to add a few more to our literary resources.

I suppose I keep harping on the same idea (about how my BH goes about making the leap back into the M) because I know other people here have done it, and I wonder if there are particular insights or ways of saying how they reached their decision/their R process that would help.

I think it's also because, while I will fully acknowledge that I gave my BH every right to walk away, I want to be able to make him happy and finally give him the M he deserves. I know the logic is skewed, that I caused this pain and so why should I be the one to think I can fix it? I think it's more that I want him happy, and feel like giving our M the TLC the Harleys prescribe could do that.

And, don't forget: it's also because I want him as my H, for the rest of my life.

Thanks

wonder what made you come back to your husband.

If i were your hubby, i would rip open everything to understand what caused this affair. And you would want him too. You may want to add this to his checklist.

Each of you try to have an understanding heart. Try to understand without judging.
Cherished