Ok a new post just to get a little conversation going about this. I have read the article about how affairs affect children and there is certainly tons out there on the net about what adults should share and not share with children re: adult relationship issues.

Here is one of my struggles:
Am I projecting my hurt and rejection on to my children? Are they more resiliant than I and are less affected by my WH's insistence that the affair did not end the marriage (it would have happened anyway -- it was only a "wake up call," for him. We apparently would have divorced anyway (news to me)).

I struggle with my family and friends who have been divorced who tell me to move on and get along with WH for the kids'sake.
I also wonder if really I am the only one really hurt here -- not just for the loss of my partner, but the personal humiliation I feel that my WH slept with and "loves" another woman. I feel like I include the children in a lot of my arguments against his affair, but sometimes I feel like the "world" says, they'll be ok as long as we get along?!

Any thoughts out there? I want to be clean about this -- how are kids affected? Am I "poisoning" them from my own pain? Is WH more "mature" since he is all about we should move on and "co-parent (btw, I thought I was co-parenting in my marriage!)
Let me know your thoughts! I know I have another thread going, but this is a little specific and I wanted to know opinions out there!
Thanks!
BF439

Me: BS 38
WH 40
together 15; married 13
kids: 12, 11, 4
d-day: 6/30/08 and again, fully, 10/25/08 (WH moved out 9/14/08)
Currently in a fabulous Plan B

It's really impossible to sheild your kids from seeing your pain. Hell, you are in terrible pain. You cannot just flip a switch and shut it off. I think it is healthy for them to see how this type of betrayl hurts others. If you were able to)impossible) hide this from them, what message would they get re the gravity of this type of behavior?
Some stuff spilled over in the early stages for me, but it was not too bad. The kids saw no raging or abuse or anything(glad they could not read my mind, though).
Take the high road as much as possible. do not involve them in the details or use them as support. Use your friends and family and a therapist for that. But don't fake that this was not a major hit. They know that and will realize it even moreso as they get older.
Just the fact that you are asking this question shows me you are a good parent , concerned for your kids. They know this and appreciate it.
My XW had to answer to my son, once he figured things out, which he did on his own. He'll feel their disapproval at some point. Just let it happen and don't feed it. But, you cannot hide your pain. It is not healthy for the kids.

This is also one of the things I struggle with. I think there is a big push in our society to think that it is OK to just throw away a family- for whatever reason. That is why everyone tells you just to move on and try to get along for the sake of the children.

I can see that parents need to be cooperative about matters concerning children- but I do believe that everything should be done to keep the family whole- so you can do that under one roof and in a loving environment. What kind of Parent would think that is not in the best interest for their child.

Do you suppose if you asked children if they would rather have their parents apart than a whole family there would be an overwhelming YES? not likely- unless the circumstances put them in danger- that is a different story.

I have often said that children are the ones that take on the burden of the adult world. And they then carry that in to their own adult Life. I have tried very hard with my children to make sure that they are able to express themselves and convey the feelings they have in times of crisis. But nothing could have prepared them for this- it is full of hurt and pain and senseless.

My Wh husband also has said to them he has love for OW, I would have divorced your mother anyway, It makes me happy, and I have to do this for myself.

What does a child learn from this-someone else is more worthy of
my love than my own family, Make excuses for everyting you do that is wrong, If it makes you happy do it at all costs-even if it hurts those you love-And I am the most important person- others don't matter in my life.

Can you Imagine if everyone lived by this creed?

Nicely put, firenice! I especially liked the following quote:

"What does a child learn from this-someone else is more worthy of
my love than my own family, Make excuses for everyting you do that is wrong, If it makes you happy do it at all costs-even if it hurts those you love-And I am the most important person- others don't matter in my life.

Can you Imagine if everyone lived by this creed?"

That is a helpful way to think about it.

Yes, we all need to take responsibility for our lives and happiness, but where does my need for happiness end and other's need begin. I often feel like his pursuit of pleasure trampled our possibilities of happiness and that must be a sign that it is not right.

I'll be interested to see what else comes up from this question. Night all!
BF439

You know when I think about it, My WH was not those things-never before all this. He was the most caring, giving person that was always there when anyone needed him. Sometimes I felt like he was so that way that he forgot he had people at home that would like that too. But mostly I admired his willingness to help and do for others- serving our community, at church, friends. I quess this is so hard to swallow- Am I the only one he doesn't care for?

Do people just reach a place where they just flip the switch? Or feel like they need their tires rotated? Or order something besides the cheeseburger on the menu?

I say "Improve your own wiring, remember with no change there is no change and take your spouse out to dinner-at a new restaurant."