Well, other men.

My WW has been visiting a couple of dating websites and has established contact with one local and one distant guy. She has indicated to the local guy that she wants to meet him.

I have the ability to get a message to him. Here it is:



What do you think? Is there anything I should change? This has to happen soon, like within a few hours. She's indicated that she wants to meet him this weekend.

Thanks.

You may as well read that to your dog, you'd get more compassion from it.

Go confront him face to face and as Mel says, leave your pistol in the car. Shake him up a bit, and if you haven't already EXPOSE the he11 out of the A

And after you expose, go straight to Plan D!

Ok.

That wasn't very helpful.

For one thing, I can only contact him via email. And how effective do you think it would be to send an anonymous message saying, "hey, you don't know me, but please meet me..."

And for another, I'm trying to save my marriage, not divorce. For all intents and purposes, the affairs have both happened within the last 2 months, one was a one night stand and the other wasn't more than 2 weeks long. She's a one-night-stander, which doesn't make her anymore or less a WW than a WW with a long term affair.

Well if you streally want this woman to remain your wife, I suggest you FIND the OM. Hire a PI if needs be but sending that letter will just cause them to have the greatest laugh of their lives and how pathetic you sound.

So how many A's does she need to have before you say thats it?
Stop being so afraid and make a stand, and I don't mean sending that letter. If you really want to save this (and I would seriously look at the issues you have that are causing you to make this choice and address them) you need to GET SERIOUS

Quit wasting your time on OM, he doesn't care about your feelings and he's just looking for a good time with your WW. He will not care.

Who have you exposed the A to?
That's what you need to be doing tonight - exposing to everyone, not writing emails to OM.

Can I please get some advice from someone who's written one of these?

I'm not the only one who's talked about sending letters. Are all those people not serious either?

Thanks.

Obviously not. People send letters to OM's parents or the HR dept if they wk together. The OM doesn't care about how you feel. If he did he wouldn't be doing another man's W.

Expose now to everyone. Have you done this??? Work on Plan A. Especially the part of improving and working on yourself. Step back from the situation (I know it's hard I've been there) but you must.

Agree with everyone prior....

I spoke to the OM when I first found out about him and he could care less about what he was doing. They are all the same. They are selfish and I believe they don't think they are doing anything wrong---your wife is the one who took the vow.

It is a complete waste of time. He will not care. He just feels like you are fighting for a woman who is OK with everything. He is not "forcing" your wife to do anything. Your wife has to make the decision to stop the affair. Some men even take joy in seeing how they can keep the affair going even after the husband has found out. They want to see how much they can manipulate a married woman.

Work on your wife. Do not give this guy the satisfaction of begging him to leave your wife alone. Imagine him laughing at your requests and then your wife texting him about hooking up minutes later.

Your wife is the key to stopping an affair along with exposure to everyone. OM already knows about the A. Expose everyone else

Thanks Hope_Full. That was a little better to chew on. Made sense.

I don't think this guy knows about the A. From what I've read of her writing to him, she hasn't mentioned that she is married or has kids.

I know I need to work on my wife. I've asked our pastor to confront her and I'm doing more exposing.

I dunno, I keep posting my feelings and what I'm planning on doing and getting my rear end chewed.

Maybe I'll just tell her I know about this OM, mentioning his name, where he lives, what he does, that he rides a BMW motorcycle.... Maybe that will scare her? It's probably more than she knows. Ha! I love Google.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF????

Maybe you'll do some exposing??? WTF? Come back when you're serious and maybe then people here will help you

Then that is the only information I would give if you feel you have to give any. Are you prepared for the response "obviously you couldn't keep her satisfied, mate" or "your wife obviously needs someone else, not you" or "can't you keep her in line" or just nothing back at all. The response you WON'T get is "oh, I'm so sorry, I'll back off now and I apologise sincerely."


Posting feelings is fine. You are NOT getting your rear end chewed, you are getting the benefit of a LOT of experience on this board. You asked for advice, you were given it. Very good advice too.


Scare her in what way? Scare her into giving him up? I doubt telling her all that will do anything at all. You've said that your 29 YEAR OLD wife has already cheated twice. That's not a good track record is it? If you think an ONS "isn't so bad", well, I have no advice for you.

I didn't say ONS isn't so bad, it's just that people around here seem to give it a whole lot more weight than long term A's. "Surviving an Affair" doesn't seem to do that.

I've dropped the idea of the letter to the OM. I'm going to tell her that I know about this guy though. It may not scare her, but at least she'll know she can't hide.

I'm really thinking about telling her that if she's going to see this guy that she shouldn't come back. She can't financially support our kids, so she'll just have to leave them with me.

People around here certainly do not give more weight to an ONS than a long term A. All betrayal, all infidelity, all cheating is given equal weight around here. I've seen people in a terrible state because of their spouse's EA (emotional affair) and quite right too. Betrayal doesn't have different weights it is all the same.

I should tell you that I'm the FWW. I'm the one who had the A. You saying that about an ONS reminds me of what I said to my H when I was in a horrible foggy state. I had an 18 month A and the OM and I had SF (sex) 10 times during the A. I said to my H "it was only 10 times in all that time" and he said " ONE time was one time too many."

Why is a 29 year old woman (and mother) doing this?

fyi, my H's affair ended the DAY I confronted the OW. She thought he was "separated" and dumped him when I told her he was very married and that her affair was over. In your case, Willy, the OM probably doesn't know she is even married, so it may do you some good to email him and tell him. I have heard both Steve and Dr Harley counsel betrayed spouses to contact the OP and make as much trouble as possible for them. In your case, the OM might even dump your wife.

But that is not your main problem, Willy. If she is picking up guys on the internet for ONS, you have a serious problem. I would get checked for STDs if I were you.

willy, how about contacting him and telling the meeting is off? And then letting her know you have contacted the OM and if there is going to be a meeting you will be attending also.

I would then suggest you expose her affairs whereever you can. She is a serial cheater and she quite dangerous. That doesn't mean she can't change, but she needs to face some real consequences or she won't change.

I'm not normally a fan of ultimatums but in this case I think you've made the right decision

That's what I was originally thinking. I think this guy is misinformed and if he has a head on his neck, he'll see that this weak connection to some chick 2 hours away just isn't worth the hassle.

If the guy is looking for a one night stand I would think that he wouldn't care if she's married and might even get a kick out of it, but if he is looking for a relationship, then I think the letter may do some good. I'd send it, but keep it very short and simple just to inform him that she is married and that you are working on your marriage with her.

I sent an email to my WW's OM and it didn't seem to do any good. He never replied back. He just forwarded the email to my WW and she laughed at it. But it was worth a try.

What got a better result was exposing her affair to 10 of her siblings (she is 11 of 16 sibs) and to her parents and to OM's sister who I just got lucky that she happens to be well respected by OM and she recommended to him that he take a step back, which he didn't exactly do except that he seems to refuse to get physical with my wife, whereas EA is still fine in his book apparently...

Don't forget the carrot and the stick analogy. The stick is the exposure of her affair and the carrot is meeting her emotional needs. I'd emphasize meeting her ENs since you're going to have a full-time job exposing affairs if she's into ONS's.

Hi W5,

Hey if you do decide to send the email to the OM I would simply say something like "dude she's my wife back off". I don't think you should say anything more then that because you really would be spitting in the wind.

I confronted my hubby's FOW and straight up asked her how'd she like screwing a married man and she just laughed in my face.

I get what you are saying that this man may have been decieved and really not know the woman he is meeting is married, but, I douht it.

Seriously the problem is not the OM it is your wife, she had 2 affairs in the last month even if you are successful in stopping this meet she will find someone else.

She needs help, you need help please read everything here and these people will support you..

Best of luck f-26