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thank you for the kind words. In previous emails he mentioned he did not want to upset WW but wanted to protect his children from what he/they were doing. I wish OMF no ill will and hope they can find the strength to rebuild their marriage, and hope that WW and I can do the same, but I understand you need 2 to make that happen, and right now it is 1. No kids, and I am at the house WW is staying with mutual friends who I care for and trust, and beleive they care for both of us as well.
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WW's family knows everything, WW has crucified me multiple times for destroying her family, for weeks I took the blame Don't take the blame. The effects are all due to her behaviour. Have nothing to do with owning the peripheral damage that she and OM caused. You may want to check out the classic lines that WS's come out with... read up Orchid's thread on wayward fogbabble which appears as a post at the top of this forum somewhere. Dang! there is tons still to read....
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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i'm new here too noclue2, new to the forum but have been reading the website for about 3 months and it is a fabulous support tool! i would have been out the door if i had not read about the hope for rebuilding a marriage after such a seedy act
when my H found out that other people knew i thought he was going to stroke out, his face was so red with anger, uttering horrible things..."i should have f****** left you years ago" "you will not run my name thru the mud, i am a good person" ,i was worse than a b**** 50x over, then in his grand finale he thru the milk that was in his cup at the time at the wall and glass door beside me, he stomped upstairs and slammed the bedroom door! (like a teenage girl w pms) all very upsetting to say the least
the whole time i just stood there and stared at him, i didn't know this person just like this forum says, and kept saying in my head ' do not take this personally' (really hard not to)
very little was said the next day
my point for sharing this with you (as embarrassing as it is) is to let you know that you are not alone with what you have to deal with and i know how hard exposure is, but it allowed me to feel some control in what was going on
i only exposed to some friends, i wish i had exposed to his family it would have had a more shameful affect....so you absolutely did the right thing, don't feel bad
listen to these people...they are incredibly accurate and wise ( it's scary!
take care )
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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Thank you Vittoria. Very hard on everyone. I spoke with WW last night, she called me as I sent an email ealrier that I would be out of the house for her to get things. She has been with our firends for about a week and a half now. Last night she again said I destroyed her life. Earlier in the day I sent financial items to WW and WW friend. I also told her former officemate that we are separated, and that she should talk to WW if she wants to know more. I do not know if any disciplinary action will take effect and when. I fear that because I brought up exposure to her two days prior to doing it she sees this as nothing but vengenance, which I 100% am not doing as I am sure you can relate. I have remained calm, and getting work done, working out more, taking care of some lingering back/neck problems I have been having and taking care of the house. I also am speaking with the Harleys shortly.
Last edited by noclue2; 12/04/08 09:32 AM.
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Keep posting. What is happening? How are you coping?
You need us!
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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noclue, You picked the correct name. You are looking at this completely wrong, and thus you have made some very serious mistakes. You have been receiving very good advice. Let me rephrase some of this for you. 1. Your W lost her job because of HER affair. Not because of vengence on your part. I would strongly urge you to contact a lawyer about suing the company that apparently is allowing this affair to continue at the cost of your marriage. 2. You seem to be completely ignorant of the this simple fact. Having an affair is NOT how marriage issues are addressed. If she was so miserable she could have filed for divorce. She wanted her cake and eat it to. 3. You don't have to explain things to her family but you could ask them to explain to you under what model is having an affair consistent with her marriage vows. 4. You need to stand up and stand back. You have exposed, the affair needs to die, the consequences of the affair need to occur, and then YOU are going to have to make some decisions. One is do you want to be married to a woman whose interpersonal skills includes having an affair, and is not apologetic about it? Time to start to stand back and consider plan B. The affair is not over, but it may die. If it does you then stand the best chance of continuing this marriage...IF YOU REALLY THINK IT IS WORTH IT. This site is not marriage at all costs. It is about giving you the best chance to save it IF you decide you want to. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, until the affair is over, you had/have NO CHANCE. Once it is over, you may have a chance. Do not apologize to her about exposure. She earned it and it is a consequence of her failure to end the affair after you found out. Make yourself a better man, learn what a good marriage really is about, and stand above this mess your W has made. Please think carefully about this. Nothing has happened that she did NOT cause. It is not your job to protect her from her OWN actions. God Bless, JL
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Brief update: A is still going on as of Monday. OMW and I spoke, they are talking and she has not fulle exposed but intended to. OMW saw emails between WW and OMW to the effect of where OMW and OM are. Sounds like she is scared he may stay with his W. OMW thinks my WW is waiting in the wings and OMW has stated he thinks that is true. She hasn't lost her job, and most likely won't. Same goes for him. They were invited to an event this weekend and their boss disinvited them both, and I was told she is not going on the trip the whole dept. had planned in which OM is a part of. Don't know if he is going. WW saw therapist on Monday, don't know how it went, and is apparently going back next week. I agree with the 1st 2 remarks, don't know where in my post did I indicate as such. Explained the events post affair are the direct results of her actions, I'll take 50/50 in the marriage but everything else was on her. Suing the company? Ridiculous. A) no basis for suit, and B) billion dollar companies outspend other corporations in lawsuits, let alone individuals, I will pass on going broke for the intended purpose of what? proving a point, no thanks. When I talked to the Harley's they recommended a cautious and conservative plan A for a few weeks Have thought about Plan B a great deal, we are quasi there and only talking strictly financial and business matters, but I assume we will talk a little about where we both our this weekend when we meet. I plan to indicate any talk about us is moot until the affair is over, and won't entertain anything regarding that noclue, You picked the correct name. You are looking at this completely wrong, and thus you have made some very serious mistakes. You have been receiving very good advice. Let me rephrase some of this for you. 1. Your W lost her job because of HER affair. Not because of vengence on your part. I would strongly urge you to contact a lawyer about suing the company that apparently is allowing this affair to continue at the cost of your marriage. 2. You seem to be completely ignorant of the this simple fact. Having an affair is NOT how marriage issues are addressed. If she was so miserable she could have filed for divorce. She wanted her cake and eat it to. Yes, of course. Point #2 I brought up awhile ago, and that led to the "we don't communicate" part, but understood. 3. You don't have to explain things to her family but you could ask them to explain to you under what model is having an affair consistent with her marriage vows. 4. You need to stand up and stand back. You have exposed, the affair needs to die, the consequences of the affair need to occur, and then YOU are going to have to make some decisions. One is do you want to be married to a woman whose interpersonal skills includes having an affair, and is not apologetic about it? Time to start to stand back and consider plan B. The affair is not over, but it may die. If it does you then stand the best chance of continuing this marriage...IF YOU REALLY THINK IT IS WORTH IT. This site is not marriage at all costs. It is about giving you the best chance to save it IF you decide you want to. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, until the affair is over, you had/have NO CHANCE. Once it is over, you may have a chance. Do not apologize to her about exposure. She earned it and it is a consequence of her failure to end the affair after you found out. Make yourself a better man, learn what a good marriage really is about, and stand above this mess your W has made. Doing this now. Please think carefully about this. Nothing has happened that she did NOT cause. It is not your job to protect her from her OWN actions. God Bless, JL
Last edited by noclue2; 12/10/08 05:10 PM.
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Billion dollar corporations don't like to be seen as supporting affairs in their work force. It is bad for business and it is bad for recruiting good people to work for them as their spouse having heard this will not be very happy about sending their husband/wife to work for such a corporation.
Often the settlements are big, thus often lawyers will work on a contingency. I repeat speak to a lawyer about this. THEN and only THEN do you make this decision. By the way this is especially true IF one of the two is in a higher position.
Seek good counsel, then make your decision.
God Bless,
JL
PS: The Harley's and anyone else will tell you the marriage has no chance if there is continued contact between the two of them.
Last edited by Just Learning; 12/10/08 06:55 PM.
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NC2,
Yes having worked in a billion dollar company I can say that, at lease mine was very humorless about sexual harassment. The video was too funny to watch, but the personnel people from the head office were as cold as ice about the topic. The tone was that you will be presumed guilty, so don't cross the line.
They also pointed out that we might be personally liable for a sexual harassment lawsuit.
NJ
Last edited by newjersey; 12/10/08 08:11 PM.
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My husband worked for a major electronics company, and they NEVER went to court. They settled every single time someone sued them because if they went to trial, their records could be made public.
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Noclue,
I hope now that you can see from the above advice that it is necessary to maintain regular posting.
The bonus is that as you write, this helps you order your own thoughts to clarify the problem.
Keep posting.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Noclue
Was the OM higher up in the company then your WW?
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Was higher up in terms of title and salary, however no reporting functions. Currently, same job type but she is a lower title. Also, her previous position had duties that required her to support his day to day functions of his position.
To that extent I see the point, however if it does not result in sucessfully pulling them apart I see no benefit other than headaches and lawyers. As for $, seeking that fromm this avenue does not interest me. Plus, I really dont need any.
to answer the other comments, yes no shot with an affair still going on, and as I said as of Monday it was and probably is. So, when I speak with her this weekend I have zero interest in talking anything re: marriage,separation, divorce etc. Strictly want to talk essentials in a calm and respectful manner. if it does come up, I will express again no interest with an affair still going on. Thank you all again for your insight and comments, I appreciate it.
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I would talk to a lawyer. You may be passing up an opportunity because she was subordinate to him. The point is not to sue. The point is to bring a law suit to push the company to discharge the OM.
It makes ccontinuing the affair more difficult. It puts the OM in a position to have his wife all over him because he lost his job.
So it's not about the money.
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I hear you, I just don't think every case falls into the same scenario. Also, right now I am not quite sure where I want to go at this stage. fog or not, I just don't know.
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I decided to look back at my posting after staying off of this site to see if I was more comfortable dealing with this in my own personal circle of family, friends etc.. Reading back I can hardly beleive these events transpired less than a month ago from exposure.
Nothing is new in terms of relationship, still home alone, we/ve discussed legal separation and creation of agreement that would protect us both financially in the event of divorce. We have spearated all finances and have been very civil in limited verbal and face to face communicaiton, mostly emails. On saturday I asked her to not communicate wit hme face to face if all she is willing to discuss is her anger and feelings of betrayal for broadcasting our situation out in public. I ended up telling far more people that had no impact on busting up the affiar for reasons I am not quite sure. She is miserable that family and friends short of a few close ones and many in her circle are not amenable to what has occured. She is continuting to see an individual therpaist and hope that is helping her. I am no longer seeing mine but researching options on other counselling. Aside from that work is going very well, I am training for a marathon in a few months and the rest of my life is going well in terms of friends, family and overall state.
I do think we are most likely headed to a D, and not sure if that is or is not the best scenario, but I still think exploration of recovery is an avenue I would like to pursue, however she still does not, and I indicated to her she could come to the house at any time but she is not interested in that, nor on seeing each other on a random basis socially for alone time in a neutral setting.
Hope everyone is doing well and a great holiday and New Year!
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I am sorry but your wife is a serial cheater. She has no excuse for what she has done. There is nothing wrong with you. And you are lacking nothing. She is simply blame shifting. She is what is called a "cake eater" she will have affairs throughout your married life and will only admit to them when caught. When you asked her if she loved the OM. And she said yes but in a weird way. This tells you that she is able to compartmentalize her infidelity. You need to be tested for STDs. This is serious! If you can take the cheating and accept it. You may be able to stay married. Though why you would want to share her is beyond me. I am sorry if this sounds harsh. But you need to know what you are up against. If she leaves and marries again she will cheat on him too.
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