Melody
Per the family friends...

The friends were told first how unhappy she has been and why (8 years of unhappiness, blah blah blah). At that point the family friends said they did not totally understand why she felt that way but if that is how she was feeling, they could perhaps see why she was wanting out. She stopped there and said "that is what I told my parents". She then started to cry and said there is more. She proceeded to tell them about the A. The friends told me they lost all sympathy or understanding they may have had, told her to immediately dump this guy and get home to work on what is right (meaning the M and our family).

The friends proceeded to give her crap about her actions, told her how much things would change, how she could lose that which she said was most important (her K's) if she didn't stop the A.

Melody, the family friends treat us like their own kids and in fact have essentially adopted our K's as their own grandchildren. I have no reason to doubt anything they have said to me. I spoke to both the H and W on separate occasions and have heard the same thing.

The friends are now very supportive of me staying put, having her make any change if she wants it. In fact, they are meeting us on a vacation we have planned in two weeks, should it still proceed.

Thanks Lost, more often than not, the WS will LIE and spin the truth about the affair, as your wife attempted to do. What about her parents? Do they know about the affair?

This post didn't make it last night - was written very late... will be back later for more.


Quite the eve. Good friend was over and we were chatting. WW eavesdropped (she was not originally home). Heard a lot of stuff we were discussing about my sitch. Everything hit the fan.

WW says she is done. Doesn't want to try. Mad as he*l. wants D. All the time my friend is trying to act like mediator.

Will fill in blanks later. But one thing odd. WW says she needs me to communicate but she is done trying to communicate. Up to me now. Don't get why that is important if she is done with M.

WW then comes in house and proceeds to tell S13 and D10 about where things are at and possible S. D10 in absolute tears. Maybe as good of a truth dart as could have been thrown.

Anyway - late and I am emotionally spent tonight. Seeing the two K's in tears brought me to tears. Must go.

What was she mad about? And when you say "truth dart" do you mean your wife admitted her affair to the kids?

Are you now going to tell them the truth and give them guidance so they can make some sense out of this turmoil?

Have been absent for a long time. Stuff still the same in some respects.

An update from last post. Have exposed to and continue to have an open commnication line with OMW (early Nov was big exposure), W's parents (last Sat), other good friends. W is still continuing A and is still pushing to separate.

The last few interations with W (still in same house) have been very strained. We were to go to Hawaii next week, but finally pulled the pin. Here's a summary from my journal(W was out of town).

The following text was delivered to W:

W, Would rather have talked to you in person, but you kept raising questions and we NEEDED to deal with the trip sooner rather than later. I agree the kids will be very disappointed. You have more say in this than you let on, in fact you have ALL the say in this. Your affair is the only thing standing in our way, but I can't control you nor do I have any desire to. Friend mentioned they do not want to have us along because of what is going on and we can't afford this trip and go through a divorce. I would love nothing more than for you to stop the affair, work on the marriage, and continue fun trips with the family.


The immediate response (within 20 minutes) was 4 calls on my cell phone (ignored), 1 vm, 2 calls to the house phone and then finally a call to S13 cell phone (we were on our way out for supper). W asks S13 for me.

W: we need to talk.
Me: I can call you after we are done supper.
W: no we need to talk now. Excuse yourself from supper. I expect a call.
Me: I understand what you would like. Bye.

Turns out the restaurant we headed to was full, so we changed restaurants. Really had no time to call W, not that I was really looking forward to doing that anyway. So she calls S13 AGAIN and asks that I excuse myself and talk now. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I agreed - it needed to be done.

I read her my message because the text was long and broken up. SO I read it to her.

Some of the relevant points:
W: First, I will not be having an affair.
Me: Excuse me, what did you say?
W: I will not be having an affair.
Me: No W, you are. I know about this latest night in hotel.
W: I know you know - do you know what went on (implying they talked about stopping the A - BULL!).
Me: no and I really do not care to know.
W: Oh Mr High and Mighty, it is none of your business anyway.
Me: Just looking for the truth.
[W getting more angry]

W: I am so done with our M and so done with you. I cannot stand to see your face. I don't care and haven't for a long time. Truth hurts doesn't it.
Me: I see. No the truth is what it is.
W: Mr smug. You have now broken up 2 marriages. Hope you are happy.
Me: I didn't break up anything. I simply provided the truth and OMW kept thanking me for that.
W: You are not God. It was not your business to do that. I don't think she is so glad to know the truth now. (Turns out OMW is glad to have been told - confirmed with her after conv with W)
Me: That is not what I heard.

[W continues to yell, swear and get MORE angry]

W: You think you are so good. You have made all the decisions in everybodys life. (I HAVE NO IDEA WTF THIS IS ALL ABOUT!!!!) You are so controlling. You have to control all the finances. You are hiding your paycheck Mr. Control

Me: not hiding anything. It is there. Bills are getting paid as they need to. It is called responsibility.
W: No there are bills going unpaid. You know what I am talking about.
Me: no actually I don't
W: I cannot pay my (personal) credit card or my cell bill. Your paycheck is family money.
Me: well what about the funds in your account?
W: what funds? I haven't billed anybody for a long time because of what has been going on.
Me: well you have cash that we received from others for paying their expenses. What about that?
W: I guess that will have to go to the joint account so I have cash.

Also heard:

* OM made me happy - something you haven't done for a long time.
* you are pathetic
* decide what you want about the trip but how is it any different from us living in the same house as we are
* you have to explain to the K's about no trip (and when I said I will and I will tell them nothing but the truth, she became even madder)
* if you would have a heart, this D would have been done by now (to which I did say that D is your choice W, not mine) but you have no heart

All in all, I did not hear anything I did not expect. Didn't ruin supper - that was good.

So that was Sat. Yesterday was another fun day.

Again, a summary:

Well, W called me at work. Caught me totally off guard. Main points:

- do I want to do mediation or does she need to go back to her L?

- would I want to take k's to hawaii by myself and she would then have them meet her at the vac property after?

- I was really ignorant for not telling her S13 received hockey tryout invite. (I did call her on this, saying that an A is ignorant to me and family - her response was that it wasn't really an A because you have to be a R with someone to have an A and she isn't having one with me so I should just get over it.)

She said I should stop thinking of myself and think of k's. I can't communicate - how do I ever think I will get in another R?

She needs to know about hawaii soon because people need to know. I asked who and she said people. So I asked who again and she said I do and that is all that counts. I said I will give it some thought to which she said I don't have time to do that to which I said I will take the time to think about it.

She then said sex life started going downhill 6 years ago and she was worried then but nothing done and no communication about it so that is why getting D now.

Well, talk about throwing your day for a loop.


So just looking for any thoughts, comments, words of wisdom. This will be one year (Dec 29) since W re-connected with OM (an old teen flame) and I am getting a little tired of this. I know the above doesn't adequately cover the last 5 months, but it gives a good snapshot of where things are at.

Where are you at Lost? Still willing to recover or not?

You need her out of your lives.

Give her the D, keep the kids. Tell her you will offer her visitation. Get this poison out of your life and your children's.

Black, I would be willing to try. Sometimes I don't know why, but I would.

You did well on remaining calm and turning WW blame and anger back on her where it belongs. If you take the trip to Hawaii is she planning on meeting up with OM? If that's the case, I'd stay home and spoil her plans. Plus if you are traveling with friends I'm not sure how fun it would be under the circumstances Your friend specifically mentioned it.

Is OM and OMW separated, divorcing (per OMW not your WW)? Have you given much thought to Plan B?

Lost,

You need to quit talking to my WW!!

I swear, every two weeks or so we have a conversation that matches yours close to 90%!

Don't listen to it. All of it is major fogspeak. She's throwing her guilt right back at you.

b_r

W has offered that I take k's to Hawaii. She would go to our vacation prop in phx and have the k's meet her there after. Could om be in phx? Likely. I would love to take k's and friends have no problem with me and k's going (they do NOT want W there), but financially it is irresponsible at this time if we will not be a family.

OMW indicated they will get through xmas still together and then see. No indication of D yet for them.

Plan B - she won't leave and I refuse to (although she wants me to), so until that, is tough.

Well a lot can happen between now and Christmas. OM obviously isn't running out the door trying to get away from his BW. Call OMW to see if he has travel plans to phx. If you want to go on the trip to get away from the stress see if OMW can squash any travel OM may have planned. I'm sure she'd love to stick it to your W and throw a monkey wrench in their plans if that is the case. As for the $$$, I don't think it's financially irresponsible. You still have to live your life. You already said your bills are paid so don't feel guilty.

File for D with adultery as your reason.

Re-expoe to all that you are choosing D because she will not end A.

Petition for full custody. Rake her over the coals.

Bankrupt yourself if necessary to get your kids.

A flat broke 40 year old is not something the OM will want.

About plan B

Perhaps wait and see what OMW has to say about the travel and how things go this month. You have been Plan Aing a long time and you can only take so much.

Fighting some internal demons this morning.

Part of me really wants to take W up on her offer for me to take k's to Hawaii (even though I mentioned to older 2 we were not going).

2 weeks with them and good friends would be wonderful. OM would not be around (compared scheds with OMW yesterday). Part of me thinks why not do this now when any debt would only be 50% mine should we D? I know the last reason is not good, but I am being honest. But that is the problem - financially this would be a struggle.

So the internal battle rages.

Ok, W and I have been having a logistical text msg exchange. Have misunderstanding and she says no, it is communication and it needs to start. Her last comment to me was:

I have been asking for communication for eight years. I have valued that more than you realized obviously.


How to respond? My opening is "I (now) understand how important that is for you and how I have not been meeting what you needed." Next?

I am in a meeting for a bit but can't let this slip too long.

Is this an opening or just more me / me / me????

I think you should seek out IC and try to discover why you continue to allow yourself to be abused by your wife. You seem to have some self worth issues.

It's just me, me, me

I go through the same thing with my WW daily as well. Looks like you and I both have the "entititled" WW.

You could reply " if we both agree it was a misunderstanding, how is that bad communication? Let's work it out."

Question for all.

I have heard a WAS/WW will say whatever to justify things. My WW is telling all that she has been unhappy for 8 years and has wanted out that long. Even told my mom that.

Looking for thoughts or for somewhere to find info. When is this fog / babble and when not????

Yup, heard the same thing. Here's my timeline on when my WW was unhappy:

On ILUBNILWU day: 6 months
1 week later: 1 year
a couple of months ago: 4 years
this month: the entire marriage (10years)