cwmi,

Was your counseling tonight? How did everything go?

I just told my husband tonight that before we could ever even consider reconciliation he would have to take a polygraph (although this would be months from now), and he laughed for a while before he realized I was serious. He didn't think just anybody could make it happen either. He agreed but I think its because he either figured I was bluffing about being able to do it or that by then I would back down...no freakin' way! lol

Our session was this morning at 10. The preschool called as we were pulling onto the street our MC is on and said our son was throwing up and needed to be picked up asap, so we discussed who would go to session and who would pick up child and agreed H would go to session. (since we had to pay anyway with no notice of cancellation)

So I didn't get to go. I was drop off/pick up gal all day, with the other three out on early release! *sigh*

We spoke later, after everyone got home and we were able to steal a moment in private. And by 'moment' I mean 'a few minutes'. Meh, I got the information I needed from that time. I have learned to ask the important questions first, before they get worn out.

Let 'em agree. Don't let it be months. I contacted the first examiner at the beginning of October, then waffled around, and I could kick myself for not being done with this by October 15th.

DO IT! Call around, talk to people. Use the economy to your favor.

Oh, I should add...ds4 was fine, tossed a little mucus left over from our freaky 20-70 degree weather pattern; no fever, no flu, happy for some Wii time...sigh. Boys!

Oh, it will certainly happen. The reason I say it will be a few months (maybe 3?) is because he is beginning IC tomorrow and I want to give it a while to see if that will help. Also we're separated, I'm sure it would be quite different if we were living under the same roof and actively working on our marriage.

I am so excited for you though. I bet the anticipation is killing you and this will be the longest week of your life! Its so nice to have the power to make them squirm like that!

And glad to hear ds is ok.

Minor setback--test has been postponed by examiner. But on the plus side, he is going to do it over the weekend, since Wednesdays are the only weekday we have available (free of work and children, that is).

So gratification will be delayed a few days, but at least it's not a whole week.

H is being cool, after the initial shock-and-awe, lol.

hotchocolate, is your H on board for something like this? I don't think I could have grown big girl balls enough to demand it if he hadn't been so insistent on it being something he was willing to do. Never mind that at the time he didn't think it was possible, lol. Gah, I'm trying to muster some pity for the situation he's gotten himself into, but...nope.

If he passes, at least be prepared to accept that he is telling you the truth.

I had an EA, and took two polygraph tests to prove my "sexual" innocence. I passed, both times. My husband STILL wouldn't believe me, and insisted on a third test which I ultimately refused to take.

Some people want to believe the worst in others, no matter what the evidence suggests otherwise. My husband is one of those people.

We've already discussed the passing scenario. I have very specific questions for this, and I will trust the answers. Believe me, I want my H to pass. I can't even say what one of the questions are, it's so vile and unimaginable, but omg if he fails (or confesses beforehand) I will say it LOUDLY, to everyone.

I am very much at peace that if my somewhat-founded-but-unverified fears are for naught, I can and will let them go.

But as far as trusting my H completely after this? (That's his hope--to earn complete trust through this) Can't say that I will. He is a known liar. He can earn back a lot of trust through O&H, but complete trust? That's been broken. Sorry you forever broke your H's trust, Prosperpina. Believe me, it sucks worse for him than it does for you.

Do you work with your OM?

Do you ever see him in passing?

Honestly I don't really care how he feels about it. I'm done with this, the only reason I haven't filed is b/c of my current financial situation. Although I know I haven't filled all his EN's most of the problems in our marriage are because his views on things, namely loyalty and honesty. I DO want to save my marriage, but I will not try to save it as long as he is the man he is now. So I am open to fixing things if he is open to changing and as of now he says he is. But I am setting the bar really high on this one...too many false R's.

There are things that I KNOW he's lied about, things that I have held back on to test just how radical his honesty is. And thats the reason I'm giving him time for IC before doing the polygraph. I don't feel his lying is b/c of a fog, but b/c of deep rooted issues from his childhood. So I'm hoping IC can help with that...I need the truth from him because he wants to tell me everything, not because he's strapped to a machine. If he takes the test and I find out he hasn't told me everything already then it will be too late.

Well, we're two days away. Sunday we'll go to church, then drop the kids off at my mother's and go meet the Maker.

I'm trying not to make any hard and fast judgments about what I'll do if this ends up badly. I'm nervous, though.

He's been pretty distant the last couple of days, a bit critical. I've been letting it just roll off of me, but I did let him know that I noticed, and that if he wanted to talk about what was bothering him I was open to listen. He said he had a lot on his mind with work and some recent debt we've incurred, that was all. I'm not totally buying that, but I'm not pushing the topic. I've just been behaving like this is going to come out well; planned a holiday party with friends and family, did research on hotels for a trip he wants to take to W.Va next month (with the whole family), but he hasn't requested the time off work yet for that, and he hasn't extended any invitations to the party even though it was his idea to begin with.

So I'm thinking HE may be thinking this is going to end up badly.

It's really hard to know what's going on in his mind. His lack of planning for the party and the trip would be on my radar, too.

I think you're wise to not have any concrete plans yet. If he fails the polygraph he may yet have a change of heart once he sees that you don't go ballistic at learning the truth. He may realize it's safe to tell you everything.

I wouldn't hold my breath, though. It is very hard to convince someone of how important honesty is. It seems to me like they either "get it" or they don't. If he fails the polygraph and you don't go ballistic, he may think it's all water under the bridge and get ready to settle into old habits.

I think you're smart to have the wait and see attitude.

and ?????????

?

The test is this Sunday afternoon. I may be able to answer the first ? then, but may not have the answers to ?????? for a while, and may NEVER have the answers to ???.

Oh, had my days wrong.

I played the poly as a bluff in August and got a lot of answers.

I told her we had an appointment in the AM, and I had ten questions I wanted answered, and I wanted her answers now, and if they didn't gibe the next day I was filing for divorce. the whole thing could have been a Sat Nite Live skit, except it was my life.

Question 1. Have you been in contact since d-day?

A: No.

Q: Okay, that's what I was hoping, sweetheart. You do realize what I am saying about the polygraph tomorrow and the consequences of we aren't honest here right now?

A: Uh......I don't want to take a polygraph. I don't have to.

Me: Nope. <start walking away>

Her: Wait! Does this mean you are filing for divorce?

Me: Duh.

Her: Okay, ask me whatever you want, I'll be truthful and I'll take the test. I don't want to get divorced.

Q: Have you been in contact since d-day?

A: No. <longish pause> Well, once.

Q: What was the contact?

A: I called him to make sure he was all right.

Q: (vomits silently) When was that?

A: 2 days after D-day.

Q: So that was the only contact? One phone call?

A: Yes. (longish pause) Well, then he called me.

Q: When was that?

A: Later that week.

Q; So, that is it, two phones calls? You swear?

A. Yes. <longish pause> Actually, I think it was three, because I called him again.

Q: <aneurysm>

A: Well, okay, total, it was three calls from me, and then one from him.

She stuck at that, and the phone records confirmed it. It was fun telling the OM's W, I'll bet he had a nice night that day....

Tragic-comic, tho....

yeah, it was supposed to be this past Wednesday, but the examiner moved the day on me. He does sex-offender polys for the state, and apparently the permanent gig trumps my little gig. Ah well. At least it's still set for Sunday.

lol on the bluff...my H was bluffing when he said he'd take one to prove his fidelity. Turned out he didn't think it was possible, and I called his bluff on it. He's still willing to do it, said the other day he was 'looking forward to it', could be another bluff, though.

Sorry about your wife, glad she came clean, though. It would be so nice if people didn't suck so much. Doesn't anyone believe in the "Do unto others..." stuff anymore?

I wish she'd STOP doing unto others :-)

So, did the polygrapher talk to you? Are you providing the questions? Should your H see them before?

In my bluff, i told my w I was going to type out her answers and have her review and sign them prior to the test.

Didn't have to, I got more truth than I wanted, in all honesty....

I'll betcha your H finds a way to cancel Sunday.

Sunday is actually better than Wednesday because his business is closed...now way he can claim a working excuse.

I have given the examiner two specific questions that he says he will use, along with a couple of other more general questions, and we've discussed my H's tendency to answer questions in a technically truthful way without actually telling the whole truth. An example I gave was that you could ask my H if he had lunch. He'd say no. But if you asked him if he had anything to eat, he'd say yeah, I had a sandwich this afternoon, then argue that it wasn't technically 'lunch' because it was after 'lunchtime', so technically it was a 'snack'. *head explodes*

The examiner has told me he is very thorough and the questions are phrased in such a way to avoid any ambiguity, and they will cover all aspects of sexual behavior. My biggest concern was that he may ask H "Have you had sexual intercourse with anyone other than CWMI since you've been married?" and my H would consider that to exclude any extracurricular BJ's, and could pass the question if there was no intercourse even if there were hundreds of BJ's, ya know?

What's going to happen is that the examiner and I will sit down right before the test and go over the questions, tweaking anything at that time. Then he will go to H, in another room, and before hooking him up, go over the questions with him. Then he'll go over the machine, hook him up, and the test consists of asking the same set of questions a couple of times. He'll go through the whole set once, then all of them a second time. There's a lot of control questions, too, that have nothing to do with me.

I've checked this guy out and I have great confidence that he will perform a reliable test. He's been doing it for 22 years.

I've thought about the getting more truth than you really wanted scenario, played it out in my head a dozen times, but I'm determined. If this comes out badly, I'm pretty sure I will (eventually) be thankful to have the truth and not spend the rest of my life living in ignorance. I think it will be hard to reconcile, though, if he fails and didn't come forward first. If he fails one of my specific questions, it's plan FU for him. That one involves a close family member, and I wouldn't be able to ever touch him again.

Okay, I wasn't going to think about it yet!!! *sticks fingers in ears, chants lalalalala...*

Yeah, but this time he has to believe his own BS, which is unlikely. That is what the test is about.

Plus your polygrapher are exactly used to sexual liars dissembling. I wouldn't sweat it, you'll get the truth.


Yeah, well, I've learned never say never in this experience. I've kicked a lot of boundaries down.

With me, I asked a lot of sexual questions, and got a lot responses. What, where, what....100 percent truthful? Dunno, but painful enough to serve the purpose. :-\

LOL on the Hilary.

Yeah, when I told H that this guy works for the state doing sex offender 'graphs, he looked a little ill. Not my problem!

If I get the night-before confession, that'll be tonight. Maybe I should start drinking NOW, just in case, lol.

I'll be shocked if you get a wire on him tomorrow. I'll bet he'll do anything to get out of it. Confess. Fake a seizure. Whatever.