Skald911,

How are you doing?

I too have been following this thread, and for what's it worth, it's teaching me a lot about my own H and myself. Although in no way do I excuse what you did, I give you full credit for standing naked here. My H wouldn't do it.

Come back.

The past few days have been going well. Maintaining NC and working through any problems that arise.

Obviously there are some issues that need to be dealt with as details come out. We've done well as most of the lies are revealed. I over reacted to one of the triggers that drgnfly had, but we resolved the issue fairly well once the foghorn went off. One thing that I'VE come to realize is exactly how much I've always underestimated Drgnfly's strength and ability to deal with painful/difficult situations - This realization would have made a world of difference pre-A (it is now too).

We have been concentrating on making each day the best it can be - it's a hell of a situation to deal with and try to work through, but it's doomed to failure if we can't try to make each day enjoyable.

We're still reading (together) through HNHN at night. And we're not posting as frequently, but we're reading this board on a daily basis. Thanks again to everybody, your knowledge is invaluable and your posts are inspirational (well, many of them are.)

And we're marking NC days off the calendar to keep track of where we're at - the visualization helps ME keep focused during any hard times. Also writing in the overall "grade" for the day... most days are filled with "Amazing day!" or "Great day!" but a few "good day" or "ok day - up and down" are also written in.

Tst, I'd like to send you a private message with some questions I have. Would that be ok? (Surviving the affair addresses a few of my questions (just beginning to read the book), but I'd like an opinion from a FWH if possible.)

Skald, we will have to exchange emails through the mods. They have mine. If you click the notify button in the bottom right corner of your post, then send them a message with your email, they can pass it on to me. Sometimes it takes a day or two.

Once you get my email, question away.

Notification sent. Thanks Tst.

I sent you an e-mail earlier in the week and I'm wondering if you have gotten it?

Posting an update and looking for some feedback.

Things have been going well. Drgnfly and I have been working through triggers as they come up, and yet again I must stress how impressed and amazed I am by her strength. Some of the facts/details that have come out are things I would definitely have considered to be "deal breakers" - I'm coming to realize exactly how much I've underestimated her ability to deal with emotional strife. I wish I'd had this realization in a different way, and years ago. Sorry Drgnfly, that I was blinded in this.

We are practicing honesty and openness in a way that has never been present in our relationship - we didn't hide "big" things from each other (pre-A), but small details that we kept back - in order to "protect" the other person - again, now it seems so obvious that this is not acceptable.

A personal update: I still have days that trigger the emotions that made the affair possible. The resentment that I built up towards drgnfly over the past year flash back now and then, irrational thoughts that I _know_ are completely overblown versions of the truth. But it's a reactionary emotion - it only takes me a second or two to squash the feeling and begin thinking rationally again. I liken these to her triggers of heartache, betrayal, depression, when something catches her off guard. We both are discussing these events as they occur, and moving through them well.

A realization I had recently (a week or two back): I am IN love with Drgnfly. And can't believe I ever "wasn't".

Please provide some feedback on my EP's:

- I will not put myself in the role of advice giver to another woman without prior approval from my wife.

- I will not discuss my personal problems or concerns with any other person than my wife, except upon her request or suggestion.

- I agree to give all passwords and account login access to my wife.

- I will not spend any time alone with another woman unless my wife is present or approves.

- I will openly share my daily business and personal activities with my wife.

- I will at any time now or in the future trade cell phones with my wife for as long as she desires.

- I agree to practice Enthusiastic Agreement regarding any outside activities, and in the event that an Agreement cannot be made, to eliminate any outside activities that my wife feels is interfering with our relationship.

- I will make all my banking and financial information available to my wife, and upon request obtain proof of any unaccounted for finances.

- Drgnfly and I have discussed physical boundaries, and I will remember these boundaries and not cross them.

Please offer any feedback on these EP's, or any advice for additions. I believe I've hit on everything that was missing from our relationship, or that I'd taken away in order to hide the A.

Thanks!

I kept an eye out to see if you had posted. I'm glad you came back with an update.

I'm hoping my WH is nearing where you are, I only tell you this because I feel this thread of yours will be a tremendous help to him. Thank you.

Since I am a newly BS and not able to dissect your EP's with expertise, I will tell you the one that made me feel uncomfortable.

"I will make every effort to remember these boundaries and not cross them"

I like

"I will remember these boundaries and not cross them"

Vittoria -

Thanks for the reply. I like the change you suggested to my EP's. I've updated my file and will keep that for my printout. Thanks!

Does your WH post on these forums? Or is he merely lurking? Does he have any contact info for any of our veterans here, somebody that can answer his questions or just talk to him as things come up? I am not that person - but please pass on to him that he's not the only one in this boat, others have been there and are willing to help/talk. Help is there, sometimes we just need to ask for it (I'm trying to remind myself of this too.)

Skald

Hi Skald,

It looks like you've done a good job at putting together a list that you can own. It is your responsibility to protect your wife and your marriage by keeping these EPs in place at all times.

BTW, it's good to see you posting an update. Don't be such a stranger.

Hi Skaald,

I've been watching this thread too, and happy to hear such a different tone in your posts.

By George, I think you've got it!

Happy, wonderful 2009 to you and drgnfly.


Right Here Waiting

Thanks for the replies.

Sorry to have been missing for awhile there - had a case of the Holiday Zombie feeling going on. The season went well (better than could be expected really), but I'm glad it is over just the same. We can get back to putting all of our focus on us!

Re-read this entire thread tonight.

Drgnfly and I have been reading over various threads on GQ2 and In Recovery, and frequently discuss new sitchs that come up - and usually involve comments like "this poor *@(#& just doesn't get it" or "does she really think anybody is going to believe that?"

So reading back through my thread, all I can say is "Wow". And I hereby dub myself the King of All A$$hats.

I'm glad to say that thanks in part to all of you, I can't even identify with the miserable WS that originally began this thread.

I feel drgnfly and I have come a long way in a short time. We have a long journey ahead of us. But thanks to these forums, we have a lifetime to work on that journey.

This will be my last post on this thread. I wanted to end this thread with a final THANK YOU to everybody who helped Drgnfly and I through my babbling. I'll soon begin a new thread on the Recovery forum with updates on Drgnfly and I, and ask any questions or make any comments I have there.

Thank you ALL!