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My wife and I are seperated and most likely on to Plan D.
She is living in an apartment and still communicating with the OM. Of course, she loves him and thinks that she wants to be with him. Then, the next day, she says she doesn't know and that she is working on herself.
Anyway, my question is how do we handle "Santa Claus" with the boys. I told her that we would not be together. She accused me of being selfish and thinking only of myself. We are a family and we should be together on Christmas morning for the boys.
I don't see how this helps them. It will only give them false hope that she might come back. I have countered that she is being selfish in demanding that we have Christmas as a family. That we are not a family right now.
Any thoughts? How have others handled this? Is there any reasonable argument for/against this?
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She walked away from you and her children. Tell her to enjoy Christmas with OM and to go to he11.
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Any thoughts? How have others handled this? Is there any reasonable argument for/against this? Well, it is of no use to try and use reason with a wayward. Your W abandoned her children for her stud and that was her choice. I wouldnt allow her to come home for Christmas and pretend you are one big happy family just so she can feel GOOD about being BAD. Tell her NO THANKS, but she can pick them up for dinner on Christmas even and call them on C'mas Day. The truth is that she abandoned her children for some stud and the truth needs to be faced, not hidden. Did you tell your kids the truth? Hopefully you have told them she left for an adulterous affair and given them moral guidance. How sad for your kids. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Should it matter that I am planning to file for divorce?
I don't want to be mean about it, but I do not have a desire to be her best friend after this divorce. That seems to be what she wants.
If I have to hear that we can get houses in the same neighborhood again, I might puke.
I just don't want to hurt the boys anymore than they are already going to be hurt. I have made it clear that I do not approve of what their mother is doing and that it is morally wrong.
Would it be wrong to set the two oldest boys down and explain to them that because of her adultery, I cannot allow her to be with us for christmas morning?
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cant, every wayward wants you to be their "friend" when they destroy your family. That means: "please don't complain while I stick it to you, because I don't want to have to face consequences."
It is never "MEAN" to help someone enjoy the consequences of their bad behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just don't want to hurt the boys anymore than they are already going to be hurt. I have made it clear that I do not approve of what their mother is doing and that it is morally wrong.
Would it be wrong to set the two oldest boys down and explain to them that because of her adultery, I cannot allow her to be with us for christmas morning I think it would be imperative to do so. Your boys need your moral guidance here, and it is your example and courage that they need to see. They cannot be allowed to think that what your WW is doing is the way life is. They need to clearly see the difference, and it is, sadly, your job to make them see that. This is how their own boundaries in life will be formed. They need YOU for that to happen. As far as your WW being your great friend, friends would never iflict that kind of pain on another and then have the audacity to call you selfish for somehow, not accepting it, as if it were, somehow, a gift. Jeesh! Let your WW feel the true burden of guilt for her unbridled selfishness! All Blessings, Jerry
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cant, shinethrough is absolutely right, your boys have to be told the truth. If you don't tell them the truth and give them moral guidance, you can rest assured YOUR WIFE WILL. And it will not be very "moral," it will be to teach them WRONG IS RIGHT and keep them morally confused for life.
And tell your wife that you would not have someone for a "friend" who lies and cheats and is cruel" to you. Tell her you are picky like that when it comes to "friends."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks - thats what I thought.
It will be a few days before this conversation comes up again.
I will have the boys back tonight and will have a conversation with them before I speak to my wife again. I want to make sure that they understand why I feel it needs to be done this way.
I am assuming my only option in dealing with the WW is to try to calmly listen to her verbal attacks and then, hopefully, calmly respond that I don't want to lie to the boys, I don't to give them the false impression that you are planning to come back. This is how their future will look.
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Talked to the boys and they both said they understand.
WW still doesn't. She is in disbelief that I could be so selfish.
She graciously offered that we do not have sit on the same couch, or act all lovey dovey. Thanks, that makes it all better.
BTW, she had to go him for money yesterday. I don't know if that pushes her to him, or not. She still says she is not ready to sign divorce papers. She is just focused on being on her own.
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She still says she is not ready to sign divorce papers. She is just focused on being on her own. Translation: I am sure ready to enjoy the delicious cake I KNOW CWA will serve me!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Not sure what else to do. I have cut off all money to her and have tried to go dark. It has been hard with the boys and the athletic events.
She insist on going, as do I.
I'm loosing interest in saving this marriage. I have not done a good job with Plan B. I am not sure that I can.
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Here is a tactic often recommended to FWHs when they think of the OW, but something which can help BSs who have trouble staying in Plan B.
Keep a rubber band around your wrist. When you feel like talking to your WW and breaking Plan B, snap the thing as hard as you can.
Only, contact with her will cause MENTAL anguish rather than physical, but you see the connection.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Cant, Not all M can be saved and not all M should be saved. I'm loosing interest in saving this marriage. I have not done a good job with Plan B. The main reason for going into plan B is so the BS can protect any love they have left for the WS. They take themselves out of the daily drama. Dealing with a WS drains the love. A's are the ultimate LB and it doesn't take long. The darker you go the better chance you have of retaining your love for her. You are not dark. You are hearing her complaints, her blaming you, and her trying to make you feel bad for doing what is right. That is why you are losing interest(love). If you want any chance of R, you have to get outta the drama! Or you'll soon come to hate her.
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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M, I think this is one that can't be saved. I can't imagine doing a Plan B for even a year. At this point, I don't really care to wait until the affair dies.
I am at a point where I feel that even if she came back, there is nothing to build on. She has killed everything from our previous relationship.
When I cut her cards off, she turned to him for money and he is helping her find a job. So, I guess that is good.
Is it too early to send her car insurance, cell phone bill, etc.. to her and her OM? I know she has the cell phone that he got for her.
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the car insurance and cell phone in her name only?
if not, i would cancel these services and or have them taken off my account
btw i feel for ya... been there, done that and it still hurts sometimes thinking back
btw2... i concur with the advice about christmas. hopefully she doesn't invite OM to be there when she has the kids.
-charlie.
Last edited by charliethree; 12/15/08 08:34 AM.
FBH, 39
Now a primary custody dad
New life began June 2008
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Is it too early to send her car insurance, cell phone bill, etc.. to her and her OM? I know she has the cell phone that he got for her. Send it all, cant, and stop paying for anything. I agree, let the OM pay it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The car insurance and cell phone are in both our names.
I will likely just ask for the cell phone back. The insurance I can cancel and tell her to get her own. The car is paid for, so it is completely her problem now.
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The car insurance and cell phone are in both our names.
I will likely just ask for the cell phone back. The insurance I can cancel and tell her to get her own. The car is paid for, so it is completely her problem now. why give her a heads up... contacting her is only gonna piss you off just do it
FBH, 39
Now a primary custody dad
New life began June 2008
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I don't know that I get pissed off anymore, just sad, tired and wish she was gone.
She wanted out, now get out. But, she keeps trying to drag herself back in, keep everything the same, but allow herself to f*@k him.
Of course, as she says, its all for the boys. As soon, as I stop being selfish, we can make this work. I am the one that is making this tough and I ruining christmas for everyone.
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Cant, have you considered trying Plan B?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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