Greetings to all. First time for me to post here, though I have been lurking and reading for quite a long time. Here's my story.

I love my wife. I don't want anyone but her, not ever. She says she loves me because I am the father of her child, but is not in love with me. We've been married for 8 years and together for 12, our daughter is almost 4 years old.

So, we met like any other couple. Crazy in-love, spend most of our time together. Both focused on demanding careers, but always prioritize us over everything. After 4 years of dating that included some rocky times together and a break-up that lasted a week we decide to marry. This is when the trouble began.

My family didn't treat her very well. Not that they didn't like her and respect our relationship, but tried too hard to push their agenda on her and she reacted poorly. Led to a big falling out that separated me from my family and killed any chance of them getting along with her. Her mother is an instigator, which has continually been a problem and has now gotten things to the point that my family and her family can no longer be in the same room together.

A year before our daughter was born we almost divorced. She thought I was cheating and vice versa. Neither of us reall were. Well, I wasn't. And I've chosen to believe that she wasn't. We decide to stay together and start a family, that we love each other and both have things to work on to make it better for us. Money isn't a problem, both have good jobs. Our physical connection has never been a problem to this point, and I would say that the SF is the best I ever had and left me wanting for nothing. I've never heard her say anything to lead me to believe that she doesn't feel the same way.

We move from her home in the city to a suburban town in the next state over. Her idea. She even found me the job here, I didn't give any indication to her that we HAD to leave where we were. But she wants a better life and some separation from our folks and I agree that we should move. We buy a beautiful house, great neighborhood for starting a family. I think everything is right in the world but she is showing signs of being homesick.

Our daghter is born. Rocky pregnancy, miscarriages, the works. But she is here and gorgeous and healthy. When she is able to, we have SF one morning following the birth. It was short, kinda like a test drive. Little did I know it would be the last time.

She starts a successful business out of the house to avoid putting daughter in day care. I am making more money than ever, we really shouldn't be stretched as thinly as we are. She now says the house is her prison between staying home with DD and working out of the house. I understand this and do everything in my power to be home to watch DD and let her get out to clear her head. It's now been close to 4 years since we've been intimate with each other in ANY capacity. I now sleep in a separate room. She says it's because I snore and sleep is hard enough to come by with a daughter that doesn't sleep well.

I am not alowed to ask about SF anymore. Any mention of it sends her into a massive attack on me. So I just stopped asking. She tells me now that she hates me sometimes because she has no friends of life, whereas I made friends easily and can go out and blow off steam whenever I want to. Though, I am mainly a home-body and rarely see friends. Once a month I might go to a friends place after my daughter's bedtime for a couple of hours.
I'm never home later than 11pm on the rare occasion that I do see friends. I have no bad habits, cheating, drugs, gambline, online smut. Nothing.

I take on more work at home. I cook all of the meals, and do as much laundry and cleaning as I can. Easily, I do half. Though I really think I do even more than that. We have no family around us and she refuses to leave our daughter with any kind of babysitter, so we haven't been on a date since our daughter's birth.

Now I am stuck. We discuss splitting up on a weekly basis, she says she is only their for our daughter. Anytime I try to tell her I love her and want her to be happy it's met with cynicism. She has a nasty temper (always has) and unleashes it on me with little provocation. I have gotten to the point that I avoid the topics I know anger her because I don't have the energy to fight any more on the same topic. No matter how much I try to change for the better, the worse it gets between us.

She has promised me that if we split up she will ruin me financially (knowing she will ruin herself in the process) and will do everything possible to keep me out of our daughters life, even though she admits I am a good father.

It's getting to the point that I want out. Now, if I even mention my needs it immediately sends her into a "it's all about you" speach. But how? How do I leave without it really putting everyone in house into a tailspin? And if I stay, what do I do to earn my wife's love again?

Sorry this is so long and scattered, I will happily fill in any blanks that would help you give me some kind of guidance.

are you suspecting any affair? did you address the issue of your M not working when you almost split up in the past?

I don't know about the afair. There are a couple things that would raise a suspicion. Weekends she goes to a male clients office to work. I can't call while she is there unless important. She get's emails and texts all night from clients that and keeps all electronic communications under password protection so I can't see them. She has the password to everything for me.

Also, she has shaved her pubic region completely. When we were dating and the SF was excellent she systematically refused to do this for me, though I could ask for anything else and she would be game. There is sexy lingerie, stockings, and thongs that I have never seen or seen her in before, but they have all been worn.

So, I have reasons to be suspicious. But, she is ALWAYS at home aside from the client visits. I have driven by the house during the day when I was supposed to be at work and while daughter is sleeping, there is never a strange car in the driveway.

So, no. I don't really believe she is cheating. But, how did a woman that was once VERY sexual go to being completely off-limits? She won't even change clothes in front of me.

We almost constantly address our issues. Before DD came along we took a weekend getaway to hash it all out. We discussed thoroughly what my shortcommings in the relationship were, and what I felt her's were. I can say, honestly and with a straight face, that I have worked on all of her issues and improved. She has only gotten worse.

When we do get along we are GREAT together. Unfortunately, those moments are getting to be fewer and farther between. I'm not here to push all of the blame on her, I know I am far from perfect. But I also know that the harder I try the worse it seems to get.

Sort of a strange case. She sounds clinically depressed. She is the one that wants to stay married, but she is doing nothing to make the marriage work.

Do you suspect an affair at all? Sounds like she has no life to have one in.

How about post-partum depression?

What does she say about SF? Did childbirth mess her up physically? 4 years? I'll give you credit for hanging in there.

jimmy i have a strong feeling from the clues you are giving me about her pubic area, sexy lingerie and passwords that she is cheating on you. there should be no secrets between 2 married people and there should definately be sex. i am big into sex and i can tell you that if i were to refuse having it with H it would be because i was getting it somewhere else. no way i could go months without.

I'll be a bit blunt - I think a lot more than just a simple "affair" is going on here. Does your W seem to have access to more money than you'd expect?

I strongly suggest hiring a PI to find out exactly what your W is doing on those "client visits".

Well, how could I NOT suspect an affair? Right? But the few times I have tried to ask about it she exploded on me. Logically thinking, it could go either way on that topic. I will just as easily believe that she is as much as I will believe she isn't. I'm also gullable and easy to fool. She has lied to me about minor stuff in the past that I should have but didn't catch onto for months before I caught her and she came clean.

The pregnancy was rough. It did cause some physical trauma. But, 4 years has healed her enough to have SOME type of physical activety with me. She didn't mess her hand or mouth up when she gace birth. For the first two years I was able to accept physical trauma as an excuse. But now....not so much.

wow ManInMotion, i think you have a point here. It might be more than just an affair. Jimmy you mentioned your W has a successful business, do you know what type of business she is involved in? what does she tell you about her business? yes, you should investigate this big time! i agree

She's an accountant and handles all of the household money. My check is direct deposited to our account and I keep nothing for myself. She could rob me blind and I would never be the wiser.

But, I can't spend $20 without her knowing about it. How the hell do I hire a P.I when I can't even buy gum without her knowing it. I'm very low maintainance and spend almost nothing on myself, if I took anymore than a few bucks out of the bank I would have to answer for it

the fact that you can't spend a penny of your own hard earned money without her knowing is abusive from your wife's part to say the least. she controls your life and expects you do not ask for a thing.

if you cannot afford a PI then you need to do as much investigating on your own as you possibly can. i know there are people on this forum who can tell you how to do it effectively. i have never done it myself so i can't help you. all it comes to mind is to follow her on a couple of her evening appointments with clients and see where they meet and what the client looks like.

Man, I think your WW has you suckered up good.

Schedule one day to sit down with her and go through ALL the finances. That includes ALL accounts, both joint and personal, held by the both of you. Make this a monthly exercise until you are certain about what's happening with the finances. I'm going to bet that there's likely accounts there that you don't know about, and that's even if she discloses them to you.

Then the next step is to agree to a monthly amount that you both contribute to the joint account, then arrange for your cheque to be deposited to your PERSONAL account, NOT the joint account. You will then pay your monthly agreed amount from your personal account. Be very firm about this, or one day you're going to wake up with your W gone and not a cent to your name.

You should NOT have to "answer to your W" for $$ you spend on personal expenses. That's just ridiculous and doormatty behaviour IMO.

And FWIW, I think your W might be doing a little something on the side. I'm not going to go into further details, but sexy lingerie, shaved pubic region and verbal abuse if you call her "on the job" should be enough red flags already to indicate what I'm talking about.

Well, my post and yours passed in the ether, Jimmy.

Sorry to tell you, but she is having an affair.

What do you know about the "male client"? Was he a client back when she suddenly wanted to move to that area?

And with the $$$, you have to man up and get some control back, dude.

jimmy i think man in motion has it right to a T. do as he says. also other clues regarding you W affair(s) is if she puts lots of emphasis on her figure/body, uses make up, watches what she eats etc...

Jeez, i just re-read this carefully --

"Also, she has shaved her pubic region completely. When we were dating and the SF was excellent she systematically refused to do this for me, though I could ask for anything else and she would be game. There is sexy lingerie, stockings, and thongs that I have never seen or seen her in before, but they have all been worn.""


I'm starting to think you are spoofing us here. I mean, what's the innocent theory, she parades around in sexy lingerie alone during the day?

Jimmy - I am very sorry for your sad situation. I went through a lot of years without much SF and I really regret it. You can't get those years back. I finally decided several things:

1. Lack of SF is a reasonable basis for divorce. Few would blame you for it. Many, many people in marriage take it for granted that if you stop the SF the M is over. You don't have to go that way but it is fair and reasonable to do so. It's even in the Bible and most religious counselors would acknowledge that it is legitimate to end the M if either spouse refused SF.

2. You should be able to talk to your spouse about the things that are bothering you without them "blowing up" and attacking you. My W said that talking about the M would ruin the relationship. I finally decided that it was already so bad that I didn't care and insisted on talking anyway.

3. You deserve to have someone who loves you. I don't think that you do right now. Don't accept less than what you have earned and deserve. You will regret it later.

4. Nobody - whether spouse, family, boss or stranger - has the right to walk all over you.

5. A woman can't love you if she doesn't respect you and she can't respect you if don't stand up for yourself.

Best of luck to you.

She is messing around on you; you have everything but a notarized statement. Get a PI and put an end to her cake-eating days.

It sounds like an affair to me. Jimmy, I think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. She doesn't respect you if you behave this way.

How about questioning her on the underwear, your suspicions, the lack of SF and if she 'blows up' remaining calm and allowing her to rant (not something I'm very good at) and then asking if she has quite finished because you would still like answers to your questions? If she refuses to answer your questions then I would say, again as calmly as you can, that this is a major problem for you and you will need to think hard about your future. After this I would stop talking to her and remain distant but cordial. This will scare her and she will talk to try and suss out your thoughts but you should remain as inscrutable as possible. The aim is to get her to talk not to talk to her.

Hide a voice activated digital voice recorder in her car.

Cheap and easy way to get the truth.

Since she handles all the finances...BEFORE confronting her about anything....secretly make a copy of all essential paperwork and tuck it away somewhere outside the house. You likely want to get a keylogger on the computer as well and be very careful about her figuring out you are posting here. Clean your computer history and protect your lifeline.

Her past threats about cleaning you out indicate a vindictiveness that you need to be careful of. From D-day on I would recommend taping every conversation you have with her.

There are wristwatches and other devices that are easy to conceal in plain view that can assist you with such. NEVER reveal you are taping conversations. It might be illegal in your state. If it is...even your attorney (if it ever comes to that) shouldn't know you are doing it. If you aren't sure about your laws...ask him/her hypothetical questions regarding recording/recorded conversations.

Even if illegal...they CAN be used to protect you and prosecute your wife for perjury, if and when, she lies under oath. Might come in handy if she ever trumps up a spousal abuse charge to have you removed from the marital home and/or tries to get a restraining order against you.

I know I'm way ahead here...just laying out some precautions in advance. The lingerie and trimming of her vajayjay are a pretty good sign she's having sex with someone. NOBODY endures that pain Very sorry.

Mr. Wondering

Another thing...

Questioning a suspected wayward with the anticipation of getting the truth is a waste of time. Plus it tips them off and makes them MORE careful. Evidence, otherwise readily available, is destroyed. Passwords are changed or implemented universally. Histories end up deleted.

The more truth you can obtain, up front, for yourself the better chance you have of overcoming the wayward wall of denial with one aweful and fatal blow as opposed to a strung out battle of "it's not the truth until you can prove I'm being wayward" and, if you do recover, the months long slow drip of revelations of the truth.

Get it all yourself...now...when she's not suspicious that you are on to her.

Plus...you don't have to have it but it helps to have it when you expose the affair to friends and family. Without it...they will attempt to paint you as a crazy, possessive, delusional, jealous, controlling lunatic. Without proof, the "just friends" defense puts such friends and family in the "I don't want to get involved state" because of the "he said, she said" nature of the dispute. Undeniable proof helps dramatically.

It's not mandatory. If you tape a conversation...you don't have to reveal your hidden recording to anyone. You simply state what you "overheard" and corroborate it with emails and or text messages you intercept. Remember...if she is having an afffair she KNOWS the truth. She doesn't need convincing that she's having an affair. She just has to be convinced that you KNOW she's having an affair.

Mr. Wondering