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Sorta, but I have not been very effective. I am at a point where I just want to give her a piece of my mind versus trying to convince her to come back. I am just tired of her indescision.
She says she won't sign D papers, but she wants to be with him. She says she should have just done the seperation early on, that she told me that's what she needed but that I wouldnt let her.
She doesn't really want to keep the boys, but she won't give me full custody because her parents don't want her too. I think they are helping drag this out.
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Sorta, but I have not been very effective. I am at a point where I just want to give her a piece of my mind versus trying to convince her to come back. I am just tired of her indescision. You are feeding the indecision by allowing her continued contact. As long as she can continue to contact you, she can get her fix of you, which props up her affair. The OM is probably meeting 1-2 top needs and you meet 3-4 needs. As long as she can occasionally talk to you - even to fight or just get in the house - she has enough of a fix to prop up her affair. You are helping her avoid the real consequences of her affair. My suggestion would be to stop propping up her affair and go into a DARK Plan B. That will remove you from her triangle and perhaps pull her off the fence.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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In fact, NOW would be a great time to do it so she would not be able to get a FIX over Christmas. That will hit her like a sledgehammer.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That is the intention. I meet with my lawyer this morning to try and protect myself.
Then my oldest son has a game tonight that she wants us to sit together at, for him, of course. Then, I will not need to see her until January. I can have my brother handle kid exchanges.
I don't think her indecision is over me or him. I know she has chosen him, I think this is just her inability to make a decision. Just trying to pick a place to eat out was always a nightmare.
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I am not sure what to do with the boys. I currently keep the 12 and 9 all the time. She had them last weekend. We have been switching out with the 3.
Is this letting her get a fix? I mean, I can't/shouldn't keep her away from the boys. She is their monther!!
I am excited that she is getting a job, it should be a swift kick in the teeth for a girl that has NEVER had a job.
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you just need some kind of formal visitation agreement and if possible have your brother help with the exchange
FBH, 39
Now a primary custody dad
New life began June 2008
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It has nothing to do with indecision. She is simply enjoying having her cake and eating it to.
Full Plan B is the best, but if that's not going to work for whatever reason, you need to set some ground rules and stick to them. Some of these rules include (but are not limited to):
- She does not spend time at your house for any reason, even Christmas
- She does not bring OM to your house for any reason. If he is with her when she picks up/drops off kids, she can leave him at the corner (several folks here have required this)
- You do not give her any money for anything, other than court ordered CS or money that directly goes to the kids (e.g. pay for a school trip directly to the school)
- Her name is taken off every single thing that is joint - from credit cards to the house
These are not unreasonable requests at all. She will call you selfish of course, but how selfish is it to want to protect yourself from the pain of an A? You are simply dissociating yourself from things that cause you pain.
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Then my oldest son has a game tonight that she wants us to sit together at, for him, of course. Then, I will not need to see her until January. I can have my brother handle kid exchanges. No, she does not want you sit with her "FOR HIM." She wants you to do it FOR HER, so she feels less guilty about abandoning her family. And you should not sit with her. You should send her a Plan B letter and shut the door. Take back control of your life, cant! She is eating cake and is enjoying getting her needs met by TWO MEN. You are enanbling this and keeping her on the fence. No one has suggested you keep her from the kids. Only that you dont see her or allow her in the house.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I feel I have as much control as I can have right now.
No communication and no seeing. I know this christmas is going to be tough, but, in a way, I am looking forward to it. The indecison and worry is gone.
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I feel I have as much control as I can have right now.
No communication and no seeing. I know this christmas is going to be tough, but, in a way, I am looking forward to it. The indecison and worry is gone. Have you considered going into Plan B?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am in it right now. Contact has been suspended. Christmas will be tough because our two families are intertwined so much, but it is necessary or I will hate her in another week.
I have plan in place to avoid her at the game tonight. So, that should work out.
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I am in it right now. Contact has been suspended. Christmas will be tough because our two families are intertwined so much, but it is necessary or I will hate her in another week.
I have plan in place to avoid her at the game tonight. So, that should work out. You are in Plan B?? Then how do you know what she is saying?? How can you be in Plan B and know that? Do you know what Plan B is, cant? Have you sent her a Plan B letter and designated an intermediary?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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cant, did you go into Plan B after you wrote the posts on Page 1 of this thread??? Because according to your posts here, YOU ARE NOT IN PLAN B: I told her that we would not be together. She accused me of being selfish and thinking only of myself. We are a family and we should be together on Christmas morning for the boys.
I don't see how this helps them. It will only give them false hope that she might come back. I have countered that she is being selfish in demanding that we have Christmas as a family. That we are not a family right now. If I have to hear that we can get houses in the same neighborhood again, I might puke. It will be a few days before this conversation comes up again.
I will have the boys back tonight and will have a conversation with them before I speak to my wife again. I want to make sure that they understand why I feel it needs to be done this way.
I am assuming my only option in dealing with the WW is to try to calmly listen to her verbal attacks and then, hopefully, calmly respond that I don't want to lie to the boys, I don't to give them the false impression that you are planning to come back. This is how their future will look. WW still doesn't. She is in disbelief that I could be so selfish.
She graciously offered that we do not have sit on the same couch, or act all lovey dovey. Thanks, that makes it all better.
BTW, she had to go him for money yesterday. I don't know if that pushes her to him, or not. She still says she is not ready to sign divorce papers. She is just focused on being on her own.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah, i jumped completely in today. She received the letter and knows who the IM is. It tried to get in earlier, but restablished contact when one of the boys broke down on the drop off and wouldn't go in to the apartment.
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