Ok, don't know why I did not think about asking for help online before. However, my wife and I have had a recent fight tonight, and I want to document what happened and hope that we can resolve so that we can move forward.

A bit of brief history
-married 9 years
-have a 3 year old daughter
-christian home with religious beliefs built into our marriage

The Fight tonight: December 14, 2009

I am documenting the fight for a few reasons. The first is so that I can gain composure without running in and yelling again at my wife. The second is so that I can see the progression of our marriage and know what causes these fights. I fear/and feel that there is several common threads as to why this happens.

Tonight's fight started when I viewed my wife push my 3-year old off her lap. My wife has been edgie today, and I have heard her loose her patience with our child probably about 10-times today. This is probably the main complaint I have about my wife is that she is constantly on the attack of her family. Usually, it is about material things (someone breaking something, staining the table cloth, tracking in dirt on the kitchen floor).

After I witnessed her pushing, my 3-year old jumped up and wined as she began to leave the room. I spoke in a normal tone to my wife and said something to the degree 'you threw her to the ground and that is not acceptable'. My wife's immediate response was that she did NOT throw her to the ground. I suppose in my stupidity that I did not catch that my wife was playing a word game here.

I continued and challenged and said 'yes you did, you pushed her back and she fell to the ground'. From there, she used the word that I was lying (to myself) and fabricating something. I escalated and said that this conflict would not continue and escalate if she just stopped and brought our baby back in and apologize to her. Her immediate response was that she would NOT apologize since that would be a lie.

I began to raise my voice and personally escalated the conflict. I beckoned that it was critical that she realize her aggressive behavior, and that I was acting on behalf of my baby. She threatened in return and used ultimatums that if I continued I would be sleeping outside etc.etc..

The conflict lasted 15-20 minutes. My baby came back in the room early on, and I asked both of them to have our daughter go to her room. My wife would not allow her to and said she did not want her to go to her room so that I would just yell at her.

From there..I lost it! I told her that I saw that my daughter was assaulted, and that I would not allow her to be aggressive towards her. She did not like my choice of words. we continued exchanging words, I used profanity, family attacks followed from both of us, and we got no where. She brought up the point that she would not put up with these conflicts anymore and that if it continued she would just leave. I reminded her that we had 1-car, she followed up with that her mother would take care of her. I followed up with the fact that her mother was logical and would probably scold her too if she knew that she assaulted her grand baby. She returned by stating that her mother would be more upset with me yelling.

I have probably bored you the viewer by now. I am just trying to be thorough here. The end result was that we did NOT resolve the conflict. My wife and baby went to our bedroom and locked the door. She did state that she was upset because I said that she threw her to the ground..she uses the wording 'I pushed her off my lap and she fell to the ground'. Am I crazy here???? All I saw was that she pushed her off her lap and fell to the ground... that is an assault in my eyes..

My desire: If I see injustice done, I want to correct it as quietly yet as quickly as possible. I love my wife but if she hurts my baby, she needs to hear that I will not allow it to happen! doesn't she? Should I just be a wall flower?

The last fight was IDENTICAL!!! She did something to our child (I think she pushed her and she fell to the ground).. and I lost it then.. This was 1 month ago. BOTH times were around PMS stage for my wife. I respect that, but cannot excuse physical assault to her or myself as a result.

It seems as though MOST of our conflicts occur when I see my wife doing something physical to my daughter. before this, my wife would hit the dog for something and we would have a conflict. Other conflict has occurred in the past after I would snap from a continuous nagging comment from her. I usually can hold it in for about 20-30 offensive jabs by her. I usually warn her by letting her know that the comment or jab hurt and to please stop (or say that she should not do that). If you tell her that she should not do something, all hell breaks loose.

However, I cannot remember the last conflict we had that did not involve something physical she did to our daughter. Shouldn't I have the right to stop this? I would not call it child abuse, but would say that she is aggressive to our child.

Other issues that I have seen lately is that my wife is mocking our 3-year old when she talks like a baby. Last I checked, a 3-year old is a baby! I challenged her on that yesterday and asked for her to stop criticizing her. my wife's response was that she did not want her to grow up and talk like a baby, like her 21year old sister still does.

I WANT all of the above to be my fault. I want to just become that wallflower and NOT return with conflict. I do NOT want to escalate a conflict to get my point across. I see that it does NOT Work at all.. she wins when she locks the door.

However, more than that... I do not want my wife to 1.) assault my daughter physically 2.) assault my daughter with words 3.) assault me with words 4.) assault my family with words.

I have asked MANY times that we seek counseling. I told her that I would do whatever she wanted of me (keep quiet during the session, or say my peace etc etc).. however, she fears that I would control and win the counselor with my words and manipulation (her words).

My errors:
1.) yelling at my wife
2.) yelling at my wife in front of my baby
3.) using profanity

How can I step in and resolve this without doing the above? Please note that my wife does not appreciate logical reasoning. If I simply asked her to respond and apologize to our baby, that she would not do it, nor say she was sorry. Obviously yelling did not get the point across either!!!!!! Wow, how writing things out allow you to see your own issues.

Any thoughts? Your help is appreciated!

I suppose while I am sitting outside my locked bedroom, that I will continue a bit more writing out issues and conflict we have had.

Facts:
-Job has recently been threatened
-We barely make $ over the poverty line, money is tight
-Wife works at home
-I work from home office (and travel at specific times of the year for my job)
-Our only working vehicle took a spill 4-days ago and we have been grounded = CABIN FEVER!!!
-I spend more time at home with family than most men (probably twice the time!)

Analysis:
Even though I have plenty of time at home, we still have conflict when (she just walked in and talked to me as I was typing and had to take a break).... we still have conflict regardless of our circumstances (good finances, good circumstances etc).

Most conflicts (I am trying not to say all) occur after my wife yells at me or someone else close for not doing something her way. We have discussed this issue, and I bring up the fact that we would minimize if not eliminate most of our conflicts if she did not 'attack' others. Sometimes, this yields a return conflict with her saying that I attack her at times. I ask for examples and plea that I really want to know so I will NOT do it again. She has NEVER given an example to this issue.

I know that the biggest complaint she has with me is that I do not REACT how she wants me to. For example: If the neighbor rolls his tires on our grass, I do not do or say anything.... She desires me to become aggressive and let them know I am upset. I choose to look at it as no-big-deal. When she pushes me to do something about it, I ask her to stop pushing (AKA NAGGING) and a conflict occurs. The above is just an illustration.

My theory: stuff can be replaced..but WORDS can never be taken back. The irony is that my challenging of her harsh words usually result in me delivering harsh words. Geez, can't live be easier than this?

Relationship: We are extremely poor this month. I admit fault in spending money in the past few months on myself and NOT BEING FAIR!!! I paid $500 for a plane ticket to go on a hunting trip! We have not gone on a family vacation in over 3-years. SHAME ON ME. I am serious here and feel extreme guilt.

That was last month, and this month is even worse (have to pay taxes and EVERY penny we have is committed to that for obvious reasons).

Our love life: I suppose that i am needy as most men are. I would estimate that on average we have sex once ever 8 days or so. There have been times when it has been longer... and there was one occasion that I remember it being 14-days, prior to me having a 3-day business trip. I hinted and showed signs of affection prior to going to sleep that night, and after 2-hours of sitting in bed thinking 'how dumb is it to send your husband on a 3-days business trip with blue-balls'..I finally spilled the beans just like that! It went over 'ok'... I don't think that we had sex that night. However, I have never cheated on my wife (neither emotionally or physically).

The lack luster approach: I have lost the edge of romance and have not been good at keeping it to the forefront. One of the biggest problems we face is that we do not have a baby-sitter nor will my wife allow anyone to babysit! Therefore, there is no date-night EVER! That is horrible...yet I continue to work on my wife to allow her to allow someone to watch our baby (the grandparents are 7 hours away). We do get date night when we travel home (about 5-times per year).

My lack of compliments: I am sure she feels like a worthless mommy. I need to compliment her more. I have recently been trying to do more chores around the house. I hate to say this, but I feel that the alternative to her not working (her desire) is for her to use homemaking as her occupation. Still, being the home-bodys we are create more stress for her and I have been trying to become more aware of this.

I see a plan unfolding as to how I can steer our marriage back on track. I do not think we are close to divorce, but I also feel that most people would have said the same thing about their marriage before taking the turn.

First, let me start this by saying I am not an expert. I came to this forum for the same reason as you, wanting advise/help.

I can't help read your story (and I adore the love you have for your child, it radiates through the screen) and wonder what the other side is. It sounds like you guys are under some major stress, money problems are not a small thing and can affect relationships without a child on top of it.

My thoughts/observations...did your wife want to have a child? Did you think it through, plan for it, and come up with a financial plan? Was it something you BOTH wanted more than anything else?

Here is my perspective, as a stranger. I don't want children, it's a personal choice and the way I have felt my whole life. My husband has two from a past marriage, one of which he didn't tell me about until after we were married because he was afraid I would leave him if I knew. I may have. That said, I resent his children. Very much. I try hard not to, but in particular the one I found out about after the fact, I have a hard time hearing his name without thinking of the betrayal. That said, I'm very civil with them, and treat them with respect, but I wonder if your wife faces similar resentment. You refer to your daughter as "YOUR" "MY" child vs ours. Could she feel jealous? Hurt? Resentful?

I know they say everyone has motherly instincts, and that things are "different" when it is your own, but the plain truth is that this is not always the case. Maybe she is struggling with being a mom, she sees your daughter as a rival for your attention, and throw the financial stresses on top of it, she is at her cracking point.

Now, I absolutely DO NOT agree with physical abuse. Period. So please know I am not approving that, but I am trying to put myself in your wifes shoes (as I probably more closely resemble her, then you) and give you some insight into what more may be going on. Maybe you know this, or maybe I'm 150% off base, but it may be helpful for you to look outside the box.

Understand that while your daughter may mean more to you then anything else in the world, your WIFE may remember the day when she was your pride and joy. You are the only one that can know if I'm on target or shooting blanks, but if there is any truth to what I am saying, you guys need to sit down and come up with a plan to work through your financial situation, and to find some time just for the two of you. And remember that she is both of yours daughter, and in trying to protect by being defensive, you may only be fueling the fire. Next time you see her in a "mood" where she might lash out, offer to get a babysitter and take her out for a nice long walk (no money involved).

Good luck!

And can you provide some random insight for me? Why is it men count the days between sex? I've gotten the "it's been THREE DAYS (or whatever)" before and I always scratch my head if he has nothing better to do, lol. Anyway, sorry for the random question.

First question. Do you believe that, since you are a Christian family and follow that, that you are the head of the household? Some people do believe this, that the man should have final say, rather than having a 50/50 partnership. It will make a difference on how I answer you.

For now, a couple thoughts.
Are you kidding me? You left a wife/mother at home, who barely has enough money to feed/clothe her kid, and spent all your spare money and probably more, so you could have some good fun 'man' time? When she hasn't had a break since the baby was born? You should feel extreme guilt. It should have been you sending HER somewhere for a break. No wonder she's dissatisfied with you and angry.

Second, your posts are full of DJs (disrespectful judgments). I urge you to look that up on this site and see what I'm talking about. You expect her to listen to you, to do what YOU think is right, yet you don't accord her the same courtesy. You don't respect what SHE thinks, do you? If you did, you wouldn't be making judgments on her and condemning her actions because they don't fit what YOU think is the right thing to do.

You'll have a long way to go to fix this marriage, if you don't stop and take a good hard look at yourself. You are not providing for your family sufficiently (Do you have a college degree? Why not?). You are judging what she does based on what YOU want and believe. You are not asking for her opinion and respecting it. I could go on, but I'll stop and give you a breather to respond first.

LW,

Please revoke your permission to yell. It is abusive, plain and simple...when you raise your voice, figure out why--don't feel heard? Understood? Complied? Not getting what you expect from your W? Then state, don't demonstrate.

Seems you began well when you brought up what you saw as unacceptable. Your goal seemed to be to act respectful in the face of what you saw as disrespect. Stick with your goal. You only control your actions, words...your choices.

She can't make you yell, abuse or LB. Only you can.

You gave several heartening messages in your post about your marriage - you're searching now (not after it all goes to heck) as you said, to know more and contribute more to your marriage, including addressing the urge for conflict avoidance and not acting on it. For owning some of your part (spending that money on yourself) which doesn't make your partner justified or right...makes you feel shame. That's where it comes from...in you. See if you justified your choice earlier to do that...might be why you really trigger when you hear your W justify hers.

Your marriage is the most important, highest priority you have...so doing what it takes is reasonable. It is what affects your DD the most, too...not to keep conflict from ever happening around her...from exampling how we connect through conflict, repair and amend...the healthy way to own and forgive, too.

Dr. Harley lists the three states of marriage as intimate (when you're both intimately connected, respectful, aware and not creating of building resentment for each other); conflict (where you are at odds, holding grievances but also acting them out to one another--unhealthy communication, still communicating); and withdrawal...when no communication takes place.

Third state is the killer. Know that intimacy is open and honest communication--withdrawal is lying by omission, with no communication. It's all function. Lack of conflict doesn't indicate health of a marriage. Lack of communication does.

Seems like you guys have set up a marriage either of you can make marital decisions alone...flat out. You with the hunting trip and her with no babysitters. Read up on Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement...POJA...and see a new way to go about negotiating these important issues in marriage really are.

Follow the four rules of marriage...MAKE the UA time...every night, weekend...do what it takes for you to experience your W as your playmate, partner, equal in play. In connection. Listen to hear, not to judge. Get to know one another again. For though you each spend a lot of time together (you said you think more than most) that doesn't mean you're really hearing, experiencing each other as you really are right now.

Which is why conflict occurs...here's what I'm really thinking...and yes, it's damaging when we LB during conflict...AO's rob her already dwindling love bank, erasing deposits you've been making. Her actions do, too, for you...that's the trigger that sets off your permissions to accuse instead of understand...set down what isn't acceptable when you've accepted what isn't in another area.

We do our best with what we know...know more. Keep reading, posting and describing. Don't let it stop with one incident, one record...own your part and you'll experience yourself not hitting that yelling point as early or as much. Relieves yourself...there's more here in your triangle...and yes, you have one of those within your family right now...and it's not you and her against the baby...not you and the baby against her...square this up...there is you, your W, The Marriage, and your child of The Marriage.

You had many choices you didn't exercise, nor did I hear in your post considering. When you feel flooded with anger, you can state and remove yourself for 20 mins for the chemicals released in your brain to subside. Then address the issue calmly. You could have picked up DD and taken her to her room, to sit and play and talk to after her mother did that. You could have removed yourselves, stating you'd return in an hour with DD after a drive...

And you say she gets this way with DD (but not you?) and you don't make plans to take DD to see friends and/or relatives during this somewhat regular time? Episodes not daily, weekly...or bits and pieces of this intermixed?

Have you read the ENs here on the website or in Dr. Harley's books? Family Commitment is where this hits...be creative in thinking up ways you can and do/do not fulfill this. If you focus on making your W not do what she does, you'll continue the cycle and point a finger at her (which can be fulfilling if you're reacting to the resentment you created inside of yourself); or you can focus on what you're not choosing to do when these incidence occur...or schedule a time to talk about what's really in you, focused on her...and if you're striving first to judge and control, rather than to understand, and after, be understood.

You're a team...even when you experience your partner as an enemy. She's not. She's your wife. You are her husband...a reminder for when hurt changes your perspective, the way you perceive her.

Like counting the days you don't have your SF EN met...and begin counting the days/nights you do. You choose what you focus on...and review...how you woo'd your dear wife during the day, met her ENs of admiration, appreciation, gave her singular attention, really heard and understood her, communicated your love for her through your acts of love...without expectation of her response...and spoke of what SF symbolizes to you as an EN.

Keeps your love bank from being ripped out with her LBs, too.

LA

I'm a stay at home Mummy to two small children, a 4 year old and an 8 month old. It gets hard to be always patient and sometimes I'm more abrupt when speaking to them than I should be and I try hard to change this, but honestly if you work outside the home and you haven't spent three years pretty much constantly on call to a child then you can't know what its like. I've seen my husband be away for the whole week with work, having peaceful evenings watching movies in a hotel room while I've been up all night long changing wet bedsheets, dealing with a crying child and 6 months pregnant and then he came home and was snappy and impatient with our child, but still got angry with me if I was impatient with her.

Your post sounds like you think its acceptable for you to shout at her because she shouted at the child. How can you expect to help anybody to be more patient and loving by shaming them and yelling? She will feel more stressed, your child will be frightened and upset as much by watching your behaviour to her mother as by her mothers behaviour towards her.

You can't directly change your wife but you can go to her and tell her that you know you are wrong when you yell and shame her and that is going to stop. right. now.
You can protect your child in that situation by picking her up lovingly and telling her you are sorry Mummy is angry and that you love her and Mummy very much and then being affectionate and gentle with both of them until everyone is back on an even keel. You can talk respectfully to your wife about what you think is inappropriate parenting style (away from your child) (with specific behaviour in mind) and you can come up with alternative approaches to dealing with it as suggestions and POJA it. Look for ideas from people on the internet for how to deal with issues like babytalk or reassurance for your wife that because she speaks like this now doesn't mean she will grow up to continue or that she needs to be made to stop. The Good Behaviour Book by William Sears is a good starting point if you're looking for gentle, non punitive ways of dealing with children.

From my experience when you're in a high pressure situation, especially if you don't have help or time away from children, often one parent will break and not be capable of dealing with the children as nicely as they'd like and at that point if the other can stay very calm and gentle and loving then they can carry the load until the other has had chance to resettle. My husband and I find ourselves frequently taking turns to carry each other through the latest stress and to pick up the slack with the children.