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Nebulachic,
I'll offer a different take here than the majority of responses you have received, and thats probably because I am an atheist and don't ascribe any religious meaning to modern day marriage.
I define cheating as a violation of the agreed upon rules of the relationship. For most relationships that appears to be sexual/emotional exclusivity, but not all relationships. For some couples, it could be cheating for one spouse to flirt with another person. In other relationships, extramarital sex could be acceptable so long as it was disclosed. Open relationships or swing arrangements have horrible success rates, but I'm not talking about the wisdom of such arrangements, just that the arrangements exist and are acceptable to both husband and wife.
So, contrary to most of the replies you have gotten here, I do think its possible that you entered into the relationship with good intentions, believing that he and his wife had a mutual agreement to date others. I think its extremely likely that this was not the case and he constructed an elaborate fantasy which you were all too willing to believe, based on flimsy evidence, but that in itself doesn't make you a bad person. Just a bit naive. Keep in mind that most of us have made the same mistake in some respect, and we don't become this jaded (myself included) until given ample reason.
I think you should contact his wife, but not in an attempt to gather dirt to expose him. I think you should contact his wife from an apologetic standpoint. I would tell her that you ended your relationship with him because you discovered he was cheating on you and it has made your question the basis of your relationship on a whole. You could no longer believe that they had an agreement to date others and you wanted to apologize to her (although you don't expect forgiveness) if in fact he was cheating on her with you. Odds are that he was nothing more than a garden variety philanderer. Yes, he lied to you, but you could have been more proactive about verifying his story, instead of believing it simply because you wanted to believe it. You can atone for your part in this.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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I am sorry you went through this.
IMHO, just walk away and be glad you learned the truth about this guy.
You did not deserve this. The man was legally separated and you had reason to believe the marriage was over. The guys marriage was over...but he was a cheat that you are better off without.
Do not let anyone here or elsewhere fool you into thinking that you chose to be involved with a married man...you didn't. It is not a black and white issue...in some places divorce takes a long time and all that is left is for the lawyers to make more money and the judge to get off his butt and sign the paperwork.
NEVER involve yourself with a man that has any intentions of going back to his wife, will not introduce you to his family/friends, date out in the open and fails to be 100% transparent. There are many BS on this site that have chosen to date before the judge put pen to paper...and I think that is fine so long as they have zero intentions of returning to their WS.
Be well...and just walk away from this fool.
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**** I think I posted this in the wrong forum prior ****
My story.. sorry it's kind of long. I was dating a guy who had been separated 2.5 years when I met him. He had dated other women before me and said he and his separated wife had an agreement to date others. He started talking very serious about a future with me about 4 months into our relationship and even started his divorce in the 3rd month due to me he said.
In the 8th month he reunited with an extrememly wealthy ex-g/f at a weekend-long wedding he made an excuse he coudln't invite me to. He proposed (asked if she would consider growing old with him) to this other woman that very weekend. They continued discussing their future via email and phone for 5 months before I found out (she had commitments that involved travelling all over the world for a year and he had months to go before his divorce was finalized).
He was still carrying on serious talk with me, but deep inside I sensed something was very wrong but coudn't put my finger on it. I told him numerous times we should stop dating until he was really divorced becuase something felt off. He gaslighted me and told me it was just my insecurities and one time even said "you just don't trust me" just hours before he saw the OW momths later (he only saw her in person the 2xs).
I found the emails 5 months later by accident when I went to check my email but his came up automatically. Needless to say I was livid. He said he had terminated things with her months prior but I didn't believe him. He said he wanted to reconcile with me and even suggested seeing a therapist. The therapist told him to send an email in my presence terminating the other relationship, which he did. But months later I discovered he had contacted her again and when she was due to visit his sister he all of a sudden said he needed a break from me indefinetly. I knew she would be in the area and sent her an email. I never held anything against this other woman as I held him much more responsible and even though she knew about me, I knew he probably didn't tell her how serious we had been talking. I politely told her who I was and that I wanted to know where things really stood with them as he was still talking about a serious future with me. In the end I ended up befriending her and we sort of kicked him to the curb together.
It's been about a year since then and I've discovered he's lied to just about everyone about what happened (ie, claimed he had a one-month long email flirtaion with an ex-g/f that I just coulnd't get past even though he terminated all contact with her...). When I first met him he told me one of the main reasons his marriage failed was because his wife had a jealousy problem. I even remember him saying she was suspicious of ex-g/f's from years ago. He has been painting me the same way to others now.
I am desiring to contact his now ex-wife to ask her the following question and, not sure, but maybe also include the 2nd part letting her know what really happened (names changed):
______________________________________________________________
Hi Janet,
This is Leslie... the woman Dave was seeing. I know you probably don't have the warmest feelings towards me, but I would just like to know if you and Dave really did have an agreement to date others when I met him and he had told you about the other women he dated prior to me, as he claimed.
Regardless what Dave may have told you (as I've discovered he's lied to just about everyone)... the reason we went separate ways is because of an ex-girlfriend he reunited with and was discussing establishing a life with for five months before I found out. She is extremely wealthy since an inheritance she received before reuniting with Dave. I ended up befriending her after I contacted her and let her know Dave was carrying on similar talk with me. Dave abruptly terminated our relationship once I let him know I had contacted her.
Leslie
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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From you well over a year ago. What kind of game are you playing? Yes I posted here last year about this. Game?
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Nebulachic,
I'll offer a different take here than the majority of responses you have received, and thats probably because I am an atheist.....
I think you should contact his wife, but not in an attempt to gather dirt to expose him. I think you should contact his wife from an apologetic standpoint. I would tell her that you ended your relationship with him because you discovered he was cheating on you and it has made your question the basis of your relationship on a whole. You could no longer believe that they had an agreement to date others and you wanted to apologize to her (although you don't expect forgiveness) if in fact he was cheating on her with you. Odds are that he was nothing more than a garden variety philanderer. Yes, he lied to you, but you could have been more proactive about verifying his story, instead of believing it simply because you wanted to believe it. You can atone for your part in this. Yes... that is my primary motivation for contacting her. As far as veruifying his story... he had some good cover. He said yes they had an agreement to date but she wasn't doing so well in that department and it hurt her to see us together. Also, as I mentioned before... I did see a dating profile.
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Why would you ever agree to date a married man? Married men always have an excuse to date. Sorry... I hadn't ever dated a SEPARATED/MARRIED guy before. Plus, and sorry to be redundant again, is anyone here familiar with the fact that a lot of couples nowadays BOTH AGREE TO DATE OTHERS WHILE SEPARATED????? Yes and there are also child molesters who hold good jobs and contribute to charity but they are STILL SLIME.
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If I truly were a scumbag do you think I would have asked him on the first date: "Is your wife dating too?" ????? Why would you agree to even go on a "first date" not knowing FOR SURE if he was telling the truth?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I HAVE HEARD OF MARRIED COUPLES WHO AGREE TO DATE OTHERS BUT JUST STAY TOEGTHER FOR FINANCIAL REASONS OR BCAUSE OF THE KIDS!!!!!! And because you "heard" that someone else did it, it's totally okay for you to? Hmm. Someone's logic chip was left out of the cookie.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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I didn't suspect he wasn't telling the truth. I was introduced to him by a friend of his I had also met recently. We went out once and he told me pretty much right off the bat that he was separated and if I was comfortable dating someone separated.
I asked immediately "Is your wife aware you are dating?" He said she was. The I asked "Is she also dating?". He said she was.
I had no prior experience with a separated guy before. I was never one to date married men previous to him for various reasons.
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I would like her to know I woudln't have gone out with him had I known they really didnt' have an agreement to date. It is called a marriage liscence. You can't agree to date when you have one. But oddly enough... SOME PEOPLE HAVE! AND SUCCESSFULLY!! Bull ***edit*** You can dress it up as pretty as you want. You can sprinkle it with powdered sugar, place it on a silver tray and a lace doily, but you'll never convince us it's anything but bull ***edit***. Glad you liked the taste of it so much, tho. I suppose SOMEONE had to swallow it - seems MM knew someone would, too.
Last edited by Maverick_mb; 12/15/08 02:45 PM. Reason: profanity - Please don't bypass the profanity filter.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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ignore the attacks and just move forward with your life.
just walk away.
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Sorry... I hadn't ever dated a SEPARATED/MARRIED guy before. Nonseparated/married guy = separated/married guy. There is no difference. Plus, and sorry to be redundant again, is anyone here familiar with the fact that a lot of couples nowadays BOTH AGREE TO DATE OTHERS WHILE SEPARATED????? It doesn't make it right. If a 14 year-old girl and her parents both agreed it was okay for her to date a 30 year-old, it doesn't make it right. I think you are someone who just likes to get her jollies by provoking BSs at this site.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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many people here disagree.
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I HAVE HEARD OF MARRIED COUPLES WHO AGREE TO DATE OTHERS BUT JUST STAY TOEGTHER FOR FINANCIAL REASONS OR BCAUSE OF THE KIDS!!!!!! And because you "heard" that someone else did it, it's totally okay for you to? Hmm. Someone's logic chip was left out of the cookie. I have HEARD and READ that a lot more couples will date while separated nowadays... and many agree to it.
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Your original post is in January 07 about this same issue, it's almost two years later.
Is your ex-BF's BS on MB?
Is that why you came here?
You admited that you checked her out on the dating site (way back then AND after you broke up)... have you been checking her out here too?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Your original post is in January 07 about this same issue, it's almost two years later.
Is your ex-BF's BS on MB?
Is that why you came here?
You admited that you checked her out on the dating site (way back then AND after you broke up)... have you been checking her out here too? an explanation of the timing is in order.
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[quote=nebulachic]It doesn't make it right. If a 14 year-old girl and her parents both agreed it was okay for her to date a 30 year-old, it doesn't make it right.
I think you are someone who just likes to get her jollies by provoking BSs at this site. I'm not sure why there are there so many analogies to child molesters relative to this subject. As far as getting my jollies... yeah because it's not like I've been suicidal, hardly slept and had to be put on anti-anxiety meds this past year.
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Your original post is in January 07 about this same issue, it's almost two years later.
Is your ex-BF's BS on MB?
Is that why you came here?
You admited that you checked her out on the dating site (way back then AND after you broke up)... have you been checking her out here too? Yes... it is almost 2 years later and I'm still a mess. I have no idea if my ex's BS is on here... it didn't even cross my mind she might be.
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[quote=nebulachic]It doesn't make it right. If a 14 year-old girl and her parents both agreed it was okay for her to date a 30 year-old, it doesn't make it right.
I think you are someone who just likes to get her jollies by provoking BSs at this site. I'm not sure why there are there so many analogies to child molesters relative to this subject. As far as getting my jollies... yeah because it's not like I've been suicidal, hardly slept and had to be put on anti-anxiety meds this past year. Neb, How old are you and the XBF?
Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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[quote=nebulachic]It doesn't make it right. If a 14 year-old girl and her parents both agreed it was okay for her to date a 30 year-old, it doesn't make it right.
I think you are someone who just likes to get her jollies by provoking BSs at this site. I'm not sure why there are there so many analogies to child molesters relative to this subject. As far as getting my jollies... yeah because it's not like I've been suicidal, hardly slept and had to be put on anti-anxiety meds this past year. Neb, How old are you and the XBF? Why do you ask?
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