If it's any consolation, virtually ALL WSs say this. Do you intend to fully go through with Plan D, or Plan A/B for a while, what?

Dude, this is TEXTBOOK wayward reaction to exposure!
They will get angry, call you every name in the book, and threaten you with "I was going to come back to our M but you just ruined your chance!"

It is all standard foggy BS!!!!!!! Ignore what she says, keep calm, and respond with "I spoke the truth and the A must end before I can consider working on out M"

She is only pissed at you because you are shedding light on her dirty little secret--her anger is completely expected, blow it off.

If you want to try to save this M (which you know I am skeptical of), then ignore this. Yes, VIRTUALLY ALL WSs DO SAY THIS...it means nothing.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I guess everyone that can know knows now, so exposure is done for me. I guess I'll continue Plan A for a while since the standard is six months. I'm not sure how to go about it though right now. She should know I want to work on the marriage and that I'm not going to be filing and the conditions for getting back together. I've said all of that in previous emails. I guess right now I keep working on myself, continue with any nice things I planned for her for Christmas, holidays, etc. and see where it goes from here. I need to read up a little more on the Plan A stuff and make sure I get it right.

I disagree. If YOU haven't told them, then you need to tell them yourself.

For example, your MIL knows your WW is seeing OM. You say you know MIL has been exposed to, because MIL told you herself. Yet you weren't the one who told MIL, so presumably it was WW who told MIL. What do you think WW said? "Mom, I just don't know what to do. WR is so angry all the time it scares me to be around him. And when he's not angry he's depressed. All he does is sit around and watch TV and drink Mt. Dew. He never talks to me or plays with the boys. He doesn't do any work around the house... I've tried and tried to talk to him but he refuses to listen. I've been crying my eyes out and my heart is broken but he doesn't care. Fortunately I've got my girlfriends and this one guy, OM, who support me; I don't know what I'd do with out them. Especially OM, because he can explain things to me from a guy's perspective. I'm really lucky to have him for a friend, he's just great."

I think you need to call everyone: WW's parents, OM's wife, OM's parents, the head of HR, the CEO at work, any priest or preacher or pro-marriage best friend, and tell them:

"WW is having an A with OM. I'm determined to learn to be a better husband, and to make my marriage better than it ever was. I'd really appreciate any support you could give WW and me, and if you have any advice I'm open to what you have to say."

That's a slightly different message than what they've almost certainly been told by WW and the rumor mill.

Regarding the exposure you *did* do - that's classic. "You've blown any chance we had of getting together" along with my personal favorite "I can never trust you again". She'll spew all kinds of crazy venom at you, just let her.

Regarding Plan A - what are your WW's top 3 ENs?

OH yeah - try to get her to agree to let your stepson visit you. His world is being rocked, too, and he probably needs to know you love him and haven't abandoned him, or that it's not his fault or that you're not mad at him.

How is she paying for her new place? Are you giving her any money for anything?

Thanks turtlehead, I did call MIL the other day and basically said everything you mentioned, I wanted to fix marriage and be a better man, affair is still going on and I don't like decisions she is making with kids, etc. And yes, WS did say those kinds of things to her, but MIL says she tried to tell WS grass isn't greener, OM will just leave her when she's free, kids are being hurt etc. MIL told me she has made her position on this totally clear to WS that it is unnacceptable and completely embarrasing. I've also called WS's sister, and I have personally talked to her boss, HR. The only person I haven't been able to get a hold of yet is her Dad, and I'll keep trying, but he will probably just stay out of it anyway.

As far as Plan A goes, I'm going to fill out my wife's EN chart tonight and figure that out as if I was her. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

I'll be seeing her tonight because we both have to see a holiday play my son will be at, but I don't think I'm going to bring it up right now. She knows I want to see him, and I did last night. I gave him his Christmas presents and let him open them and he took them back to their new apartment when she picked him up. He is going to be celebrating Chrismas with her on Saturday and then he is flying to Minnesota to visit his Dad for Christmas. I email him every day and I'm sure he knows I haven't abandoned him and that I love him. I call him and say goodnight every night unless he leaves his phone unplugged, and when he does I call the WS asking to say goodnight to him. I think things will cool down after he gets back (hopefully), and I can bring it up again then. I'm really curious as to what's going through the WS's head right now since I exposed to stepson.

As far as money, the only thing I send her is my half of the bill for our cell phone plan and car insurance which I have to make sure gets paid. I stopped sending her money for anything else. She pays for her place out of her own paycheck.

Most importantly,

Make sure those kids "especially YOUR 10 y/o" has a safe place when he needs it. He's old enough this is going to hurt him emotionally.

All the verbal B.S. your hearing from your WW is hollow threats. Get used to it, there's plenty more to come. It's normal!

Being strong means putting your kids and yourself first right now. When she see's your stablity as an outsider, the grass will look that much greener.

Don't be wimpy, or make promises. Take action.. See a docter for anti-depression meds. Begin couseling for yourself. Not because it will look good in her eyes, but because it will help you and the kids!

Thank you Justkeeptrying. It's funny you say that about the anti-depression meds. I've been on them now for about 3 months or more. Been working on myself and my relationship with my kids. Tonight was tough, but I stayed positive. I watched my 4 year olds Christmas play and he was adorable and I smiled a lot. He enjoyed it too. My wife came with our stepson, but stayed across the room from me and wouldn't even look at me. Later when it was time to pick up my son after they got him changed out of his costume she did come by to say goodnight to him and she was very pleasant with him but again, couldn't even look at me and I could just feel the anger coming off of her in waves. My stepson was happy to see me though and I did manage a cheerful "have a good night" to my WS, which of course she ignored. It's tough to imagine her getting over this and I picture her running to the court to get the divorce papers now, but who knows. Right now I'm about to go over the emotional needs Questionaire answering it as if I were her. That's going to be a tough one, because it seems like all of them are important to her, but I'll just have to do my best to get it right and go with it. It's not like she'd answer it right now. I'll post the top 3 ENs tomorrow. Thanks for all the support.

Sounds like you did good.

Make sure your stepson knows he has a place he is always welcome. That you miss not seeing him every day. Sounds like his memory from 5 to 10 years of age are of you, with the occasional visits to the biological father. What can be going thru his head now? How many places will I be doing Christmas next year?

But remember she did this, not you.

As for your fear of her running to the court house to file... Been there done that. I called that bluff up to and including being served my D papers. An hour later I signed them and gave them back. Then I got yelled at for it. I listened to how "this is what I wanted". My reply was, if that was what "I" wanted "I" would have filed. She never submitted the signed documents. It was a gamble I probably would not recommend. Unless that what you end up wanting also. I was very indifferent at that point.

I'll say it again. You are going to hear alot of negative.
Remember... If this is not somehow your fault, she has to take responsibility for her actions. She's not ready for that. So guess who gets to be the bad guy?

How about iIndependent couseling? Once you've done a few sessions, ask you WW if she is interested in a MC session with your IC. I warn, the wrong couselor can be a very negative impact. Finding someone who knows and agree's with the material found here is ideal (pro marriage).

My FWW's couselor recommended she never tell me of her A, that she should pursue a D. This is the woman I thought of when I added my signature

Keep your head up, be strong. No wimpy moments in front of the W! If she pi$$es you off, come vent here, not to her.

-JKT

My stepson knows he is always welcome with me, it's just up to his Mom to allow it.

Right now I'm not hearing anything at all from her and don't know when or if I will.

I've recommended marriage and independent counseling a bunch of times but she won't do it. She said at one point that she would get counseling for herself when she was ready, but it wouldn't be for the marriage.

Today, I delivered some mail to her with a handwritten note on it at work. She again didn't look at me. It was a Disney Cruise packet that came in the mail. I forgot she had signed up for one this coming May with just the boys and her, so I brought it to her this morning. The note just said "I just got this in the mail and it said time sensitive on it, so I wanted to make sure you got it quickly. Hope your doing ok and have a good day."

It's tough staying calm, but I'm managing.

She just made another veiled threat to take my son and only give him to me for for alternating weekends and Wednesdays or some such stuff. I've started to realize that she is probably going to try and screw me out of a lot of things down the road, so I told her from now on to talk to my attorney. I don't have one yet, but I'm getting one tomorrow. I can't risk losing access to my son among other things. I really wish she would be willing to work on things. I'm thinking of sending her a last chance email tonight, and still getting an attorney anyway in case she suddenly starts acting like she's willing to cooperate just to pacify me. I can't trust her at all. Any advice is welcome at this point.

Ok, I've calmed down today somewhat, however I'm still upset. Basically this started when she IM'd me at work saying she wanted to go ahead and move to a 7 day schedule instead of the 3day one we've been doing. In between that she threw in a line about how she can't afford it right now, but she eventually wants me to get alternating weekends and Wednesdays or something.

Obviously, I freaked out. Since this is the second time she's made mention of keeping my son from me on a schedule differently than we agreed upon, I feel like I have no choice but to get an attorney. I cut off the conversation explaining I'm getting an attorney and she could talk to my attorney for any changes to what we've agreed on so far and not me. I then said Goodbye and closed the IM.

Predictably, a little after 5pm she called my cell phone. I didn't answer. She left a voice mail saying about how she I misinterpreted what she meant, that she would only "prefer" to have him on that kind of schedule, but wasn't saying she was going to keep him from me. She also made a point to let me know how expensive attorneys are and that we should work this out amongst ourselves. I never called her back and she called again at around 6:30, but didn't leave a message.

My Internet was out (still is) at home, so I called my stepson to say goodnight at about 8:45pm and only talked to him not her. She called at about 9pm to talk to our son who was with me and after finishing with him, my son asked her if she wanted to speak to me. I think she said yes, but I hung up.

Now this morning I get to work and check my webmail since I couldn't last night, and she had emailed me at about 9:06pm basically reiterating what she said in the voice mail earlier. The difference here is that she put "You were right.." in the subject line and all of the sudden agreed that the 3 day schedule was in the best interest of my son.

So the bottom line is it seems like she's scared and I'm unwittingly entering Plan B. As much as I want the marriage to work, I'm not willing to give up my son. I think I'm going to go ahead and get an attorney and I'm going to continue to have no contact with my WS, except for when I have to meet her for kid swap on weekends when they fall that way. I won't speak to her or look at her if possible. How does that sound?

If you go into Plan B you need to do it with a letter that says:
You love her
The A is hurting you too much, so you need to protect what love you have left
When she's ready to (list of requirements), to please let you know.
Until then, all correspondence should go through (name your mediator).

You can attach a visitation schedule and/or financial agreement, but the Plan B letter should be short and clear, and it should be a love letter.

Don't go into Plan B until you have the letter, as it explains why you went dark (instead of letting her think you're being stubborn or pouting) and it shows her a clear path home (meet the requirements).

You wouldn't happen to have a link to a good example of one would you?

Also, I'm having a hard time coming up with someone to have her communicate with me through. I don't have any family or friends close by, so that's a tough one.

No link, unfortunately.
The IM doesn't need to be close, but same time zone helps. They just need to be available by phone and email.

I'll see if I can find a Plan B letter or two, and maybe others will post links.

How does this sound for a Plan B letter? Keep in mind I have absolutely NO ONE that I am in regular contact with that would agree to be in the middle and take her requests and forward them to me so the email thing is about all I can do. Well, here it is:

Lori:

I can no longer let you and James continue to disrespect me and the children. To remove the pain caused by your affair and to stop you from disrespecting me and destroying the love that I still have for you, I am going No Contact with you.

While in NC there will be no form of direct communication. Because we share Jacob and I have no one else for you to contact yet, all contact for now will have to be through email to my home email address, which I will not respond to unless I absolutely have to for Jacob's sake. Those emails will only inform me as to the nature of your request and what action you are requesting. You, of course, may still call in the evening to say goodnight to Jacob, I will however not speak on the phone only giving it to him and hanging up when you and he are done.

I will not accept phone calls, mail, IMs, work emails or any other form of direct contact while you are in your affair.

I will be open to direct communication once you go No Contact with James and you are willing to live transparent so No Contact can be verified by me.

Here's a link to Trying2Live's PlanB - read this page and the following so you can get an idea of how it was tweaked. Her original version was way too long.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2133954&fpart=21

Your Plan B letter is a very good first start. You should begin with a statement of your love for her, and set a loving tone. As it is, you begin with a controlling tone and that will not be well received.

I don't like the phrasing of "I can no longer let you...disrespect me..." because you can not control her. You can't make her quit being disrespectful. Instead, maybe say something like "Your involvement with James is very painful to me and is killing my love for you. In order to protect what love I have left, I am requesting that you do not contact me..." or something like that.

I don't think I'd use the phrase "going No Contact". While it's pretty obvious what it means, she's not familiar with MB and it will sound awkward and fake to her.

The phrase "there wil be no form of direct communication" is also bossy and controlling. Also the way you tell her what her emails will contain.

Try re-writing the letter and take out all the selfish demands and replace them with thoughtful requests. Also begin and end with a statement of your love for her.

Oh, yes - I forgot to mention this, but a Plan B letter should mention that you recognize that you played a role in the state of the marriage before her decision to have an A, and that you're making changes and you're determined to be a better person and husband. Sorry I forgot that.