1)Being an accountant, she keeps records and I can find them. Problem is, if she is "with" one of her clients, the calls can be justified too easily.

2)She was on the pill for most of our relationships, but when she wasn't I used condoms or the old "pull out". She was on the pill following the pregnancy to regulate hormones, and I thought that this particular pill she was on might have been the culprit for drastic change in sex drive. She got off that pill a little over a month ago and is now on nothing. I understand that it may take a few cycles to completely rid herself of the old pills effects and have backed off wanted SF in hopes of being right.
She has been on birth control in the past that did have that effect on her.

3)Her reason was that she simply didn't want it. Too tired from the rigors of starting her business AND working for someone else while spending her day with a toddler, would rather use her free time to sleep. She said she just had no desire, plus she wasn't feeling all that close to me.

4) No. We moved here specifically because we didn't know anyone here, but are still close enough to family and friends in next state to see them when we want to. We moved here to break away, to get a fresh start.

5) Generally, there are no drastic upward swings in her mood. But this is typical, she was never the type to walk around with a grin plastered across her mug. I can't remember a time I could describe as her being elated in the recent past...if ever. It's just not her personality.

6) She spends a lot of time in a pretty bad mood, honestly. But, we do spend time together each night on the couch eating dinner and talking and half-heartedly watching some tube. We get along just fine as long as I don't ask for anything. We spend a lot of time together with our daughter, and those are usually good times. She laughs at my jokes and is interested in my career as I am hers. I will say, she doesn't make or keep friends easily and I think she prefers to be a bit of a loaner with a tight "inner circle". Everyone else seems to annoy her. But, we do laugh. Both of us would be described as sociable and funny. And we do still have the same inside jokes and topics that we can go to to put a smile on the other's face.

Your questions made me think even more about this. I'm really glad I came here for help.

This is also a tough one. Yes, she has a particular friend that she would share with. This friend recently got divorced when her husband busted her in her own affair. I am leary of her, when they were single my wife was her wing-man and vice versa. I am sure that this friend would LOVE to have that back again.

And, this particular friend is also someone that I am very compatible with. We get along really well and have a lot in common. My wife often jokes that maybe I should have wound up with her friend. But, I rarely talk to her beyond telling her my wife isn't home and to call her cell phone. My wife believes in having separate friends as we both enjoy VERY different activeties. So I have my friends and she has hers. I know her friends pretty well, but not well enough to confide in, to ask questions. They would drop dime on me sniffing around her business behind her back in a second. If there is something going on I am sure this friend would be her confidant. But that won't do me any good.

No, worth a look for sure. Affair partners will sometimes talk for an absurd amount of time. Besides, if you see a pattern or whatever you could know when to focus your sleuthing. My w talked to OM every AM when she left the house here.

2)She was on the pill for most of our relationships, but when she wasn't I used condoms or the old "pull out". She was on the pill following the pregnancy to regulate hormones, and I thought that this particular pill she was on might have been the culprit for drastic change in sex drive. She got off that pill a little over a month ago and is now on nothing.

er.....to summarize, she has been on the pill for 4 years while not having sex with you? That's kind of why I asked.....if that isn't an affair sign, I don't know what is. If I were you, I'd quietly double check on this "regulating the hormones" theory. If it is killing her sex drive and making her act clinically depressed, it ain't working too well.

3)Her reason was that she simply didn't want it. Too tired from the rigors of starting her business AND working for someone else while spending her day with a toddler, would rather use her free time to sleep. She said she just had no desire, plus she wasn't feeling all that close to me.

Well, you're a saint. I have put up with a lot and have a lousy marriage, but if I wasn't getting tapped at least once a week I'd go nuts.

I agree, this is a huge red flag. Is there anyone she knows that you know of that recently got a vasectomy? I would say her OM recently got snipped.

A chat with him might be interesting.


Death to a marriage.


If she has a confidant, then the DVR taping makes sense.

Look at the phone records, home and cell. For instance, maybe this friend calls her every day at lunch or on her commute or whatever. In one taped sentence you could find out what is going on.

Don't ask this friend any questions or sniff around at all. Just know that your W would feel comfortable speaking to this woman about all aspects of her relationship(s), you or anyone else. This is a woman "understand", were no one else will!

This is the reason to tap the home phone.
You will get your answers.

In other words, your WW has created an entire double life which does not include you in any way.

If she is not cheating on you I would be very surprised. Get snooping - assume that everything she says is a lie and verify independently whether she is having an affair.

The signs are all there - I am 99% certain that this is what you're dealing with. Only then can you really reach intelligent decision about your life and your child's life.

She is having an affair, has been for ages and has become extremely well practiced at hiding it. You need to snoop in order to prove that she's innocent and not that she is guilty.

Seriously, get snooping and prepare to discover some very hurtful truths ... but my friend you need to know.

LH,

If I were you I would simultaneously get a dna test on your child to ascertain that he/she is yours.

Your wifes behavior COULD be explained if she suspects or knows the kid ain't yours and she's torn up by guilt. She'd rather push you away and have YOU choose to leave her rather than own up to her past mistake and/or just push you away because she knows she doesn't deserve your kindness. Whatever it is if you can't find an current active affair, this could be the real answer.

Now some fathers natural instinct in these situations is "I don't want to know...the kid is mine regardless of genetics". This is fine and dandy but the child will remain yours regardless of gleaning that he/she isn't genetically yours. I, personally, would just rather know the truth about my life. Your choice. But consider the fact that if the child isn't yours and she doesn't tell you that fact...you'll likely never recover your marriage with that secret between you. Secrets destroy marriages.

Mr. Wondering

Wise words for sure. But honestly, I know that she is mine. Our marriage was in a very good place when she was conceived and I have absolutely no doubt that she's mine. Aside from that, she looks just like me.

I want to again touch upon the topic of the pill in hopes of adding clarity. My wife had a fibroid on her uterine wall that was really out of control and not only threatening to the pregnancy, but to her life for a brief time. It is the reason we were only able to have one child. The pill was prescribed to her as a means of shrinking the fibroid through hormone manipulation. She made the decision to get off the pill because it was having some drastic side affects unrelated to SF.

While I agree with everyone that I need to be more engaged in fixing the growing gap between us and stand up for myself more. And, that it is likely there is someone else and that I should investigate. Her use of birth control isn't the smoking gun.

I can relate, my W took BC for many years due to medical reasons. Only coming off them during breast feeding.

What are you going to do?

Look......doing some eavesdropping is the only way to clear your mind. Maybe it will acquit her. Read the drumroll thread to see the joy of someone whose partner was found to be faithful.

My W has been in NC for 3 plus months, but yesterday I reinstalled a keylogger on her computer. If she is tempted I want to be all over it early, and I want it for my peace of mind.

I also bought a DVR a few weeks ago, but I haven't played with it yet.

Fifty bucks, dude. Get this settled.

Even if you don't find anything, you have got to deal with the sex and finance issues. That is no way to live. That isn't a wife, that is a parent.

If I don't have to have sex with you, and you hand me your paycheck, heck you can move in here :-)

Mr. Jones:

Someone else is putting the devil to your Mrs. Jones.

I'm an accountant. I had an LTA for 4.5 years with OW. She worked with me part time. That gave us ALOT of time to be together.

Saturday night? Getting dressed up? to go "Accounting" at a clients? She has keys and passwords to this location?

I have alot of different clients. I get closely involved in thier bookkeeping.

I only go to clients offices during business hours now....

Doesn't matter IF the desk has someone sitting at it during the business day, the client accomodates.

Unless there is a reason that she doesn't show up during the day.

That reason: An Affair.

Don't talk to her friends or work associates, etc, until YOU KNOW.

If she's a reasonably good accountant, she can compartamentalize her life pretty well, and that allows her to do what she is doing. But if you tip her off by quizzing her friends, then she will go deeper.... And her "friends" if they do KNOW, aren't telling you NOW, don't think that they will suddenly want to discuss with you HER SECRETS.

Get the voice recorders. Know the billing date on your credit card and charge it the next day. That gives you 30 days before it shows up on the bill. If she is checking it online, then she will ask what it was, and you will KNOW even more then. However, it is the holiday season, and you wanted to buy your DD a little something didn't you?

Or, many stores have specials to sign up for thier store card. Have them mail the statement to your office. Many of these store cards are just Visa/MC, and you can use the cards elsewhere. Escpecially Best Buy. Get your DD a computer game or radio for her room and then buy your DVR's.

Sorry. The shaved pubic area is the give away. Outside of medical reasons, it a PIA to do regularly. And it IS itchy when it first comes back, but then that passes.... But it makes after play clean up easier....

Time for a visit with the "client" on Saturday night. You may be driving a sportscar, but DD's car seat will fit, if needed. And anyway, you can just take her car if you "drop by" Or, even better, have a friend watch your DD for a while that evening. Its Christmas party time for the WW, and this Saturday before Christmas should be PRIME for thier little party.

Follow her by about 30 minutes. That should give them time to start. Then you can visit. If you wait too long, they will be done, and OM will have other things to do. SHe will do her work afterwards....

LG

i would not suggest taking your DD in case you do find something. i would suggest taking a caemra (turn the flash off) and take pictures before exposing them. hide the camera before you do. if she does try to get nasty later, you have evidence to prove the A.

H&S:

Good point about the DD. He just should NOT use it as an excuse NOT to go look....

LG

To whoever asked what I was going to do next (sorry, I've forgotten your handle after thoroughly reading so many well thought out responses).

I am convinced that I do need to do some snooping. I am going to borrow a DVR that we use around the office for a few days. Tonight I am going to find a place to plant it that will maximize my chances of getting something. God, I hope I am right that there really is nothing going on. My gut tells me to expect the worst, though.

I am also going to make an excuse this weekend to switch cars with her under the guise of taking DD to the park or something. I know where this clients business is and I will follow the 30 minute head start suggestion before heading over there. Unfortuneatly, DD will have to come along for the ride, but I am only going to take pictures of my findings, not planning on any type of confrontation if I should discover the worst. That's just not my style.

And, the clint visits take place on Saturday mornings, not evenings. She is home almost every evening, and only has the one client she visits on weekends. Otherwise she takes our DD to clients offices during business hours. And she always wears jeans and a sweater. She doesn't leave the house looking any more sexy than usual (and, becuase I still love her...I unfortuneatly still think that's pretty damn sexy). But what she has on under those jeans is a complete mystery.

With regard to SF. I have already decided to give her 2 more months to completely rid of body of residual effects of the pill. I've waited four years, what's another 2 months at this point, right? I will have a final conversation, one where I more firmly enforce my expectations from our relationship. If those terms are unacceptable, or if she levies the same old "take it or leave it" attitude I think I will be forced to take the leave it option.

It's funny (well, not "haha" funny) that I have held out for so long without the physical intimacy. I thought, foolishly, that I would actually be in the wrong for making too big of a deal out of the lack of SF. That I really was thinking too much about myself. I have to thank you all for giving me some confirmation that I am not the self-centered pig that she likes to make me out to be.

Jimmy,

Been following along and you seem to be getting good advice. I hope you are correct that there is nothing going wrong. Another web source is No Mr Nice Guy. Interesting - You could fall in this group where wife has totally disengaged from the marriage and SF.

I once had the same scenario - little to no SF for a 6 month period. Finally had a conversation with the wife and explained that we were living like room mates and that with my income I didnt need a room mate. Asked her what marriage meant to her. Apparently SF and motherhood all of the sudden werent compatible.

Some time later we went out for a weekly date (we now go out together at least 3 times per month) During the evening, I was hit upon by a young lady in a nice restaurant/bar in Dallas and my wife became jealous. Her crush for the OM and lack of intimacy changed rapidly. It was like a light bulb switch. My ego took a much needed lift also.

I dont know the solution to the current paradigm in your marriage. Somehow you need to find a way to bring the early pre M atmosphere back or in event there is an OM in the picture - bust up the A.

Well, it is not a top emotional need for every man. Sure as heck is for me. You must have a right forearm like Popeye.

(sorry) :-)

I'd be leery about taking the daughter along. Just see what the DVR comes up with for a few days. You've waited four years or whatever, play it smart. If she sees you or the daughter talks the jig will be up and drive it underground more.

AND CHECK THE PHONE RECORDS. If I had done that I would have nipped it in the bud six months before it got physical. People in affairs seem to have to talk several times a day. The 45 minute calls on her cell phone would have flagged me immediately.

I would highly recommend you get the DVR and also go spend $5.00 at radio shack for the rj11 phone cord to headphone jack adapter, and a 2to1 phone jack outlet.

Set the recorder for voice activated, and the recorder will only activate when an in coming or outgoing call is in active (including recording the audio tone of the outgoing call).

If you get nothing this way, place the recorder in office to record one side of a cellphone conversation.

More info here. Spying101

** Added: the recorder can be placed on ANY phone jack on the same line of service**

I'm confused.
Your wife is supposed to be at the client's, doing some work.
You're going to drive by with your DD in the car, and see that she's there (her car will be there - well, really YOUR car, but you'll have switched, so you know what I mean).

Then what?

You're going to leave DD sitting in the car while you walk into the business? You're going to take DD in with you and potentially let DD see mom and OM doing the nasty there on the conference room table?

What if the door is locked - your wife may well let herself in and lock the door behind her. I would, if I were working at a place outside of their business hours. What will you do then? Peek in the windows while DD sits in the car? Take DD with you and try to keep one eye on her and the other looking in the windows?

Yeah, I don't see much upside to that either.

The DVR is the way to go.