Had my second session with Steve this morning.

He recommended continuing Plan A while trying to get WW on board with educating ourselves with what makes a successful marriage. I asked him about the 'stick' part of plan A and he said don't do any of that right now.

I was fine with this plan up until I saw an email today that suggests they have started, or are about to start, some form of a physical relationship again.

I'd really like to talk to Steve about this, but we just spoke this morning.

so confused.....

Your confused?? Well so am I! What kind of plan is Steve giving here. Plan sit back while your WW continues her A and do nothing?
This advice goes against everything we recommend on this board. Anyone want to take a stab at this? Steve?

I definitely can't just sit around while they progress their physical relationship.

OM: (2:56 PM) "Call me paranoid! I don't want to find out the hard way that things did not go well and he is checking your e-mail. I was hoping to get to talk to you today. I will stop by again and see if you are available. Maybe you will come in early to see if you can get your stuff off the computer."

WW: (3:12 PM) "we are done (with surgery). it went super fast, so I'm back at the lab now."

OM: (3:26 PM) "I know you are back at the lab. I am at (the other building). I was hoping to get to see you. Maybe you need to check your patient?"

(3:29 PM) "I will be here until 4 unless I hear that I need to stay longer to check on your patient."

WW: (4:15 PM) "oops. sorry. I just checked my email. :("

OM: (4:16 PM) "Wanna meet there?"

WW: (4:18 PM) "Where?"

OM: (4:19 PM) "(other building), but it is getting late. What do you think?"

WW: (4:23 PM) "hmmm, no I think I'm going to make you wait. ;P"

OM: (4:25 PM) "Well, I am back at the office. Wait? To talk? J Was Friday afternoon okay with you?"

WW: (4:28 PM) "geez that was quick. yes, was it okay with you??"

OM: (4:35 PM) "Well, I left at 4:10. I waited more than 5 minutes. Would I have started it if it wasn’t okay? We just need to be really careful. (like deleting e-mails ) Fortunatly, while not the quietest for hanging out, or the most, hmmm… It is usually empty of people poking their noses around by 4-4:15. I was bummed that I needed to leave so soon."

WW: (4:36 PM) "I'm pretty sure I started it! You made sure of that. ;P"

OM: (4:43 PM) "You okay? "

WW: (4:44 PM) "yes, why? do I not seem ok?"

OM: (4:46 PM) "You just don’t seem very chatty. When are you guys heading out for X-mas?"

"You sure Friday was okay?"

WW: (4:46 PM) "hmmm, I don't know why I'm not chatty. I feel normal."

"Yes. Friday was very good. I do still feel paranoid though I guess. So you are right. We need to be careful."

OM: (4:58 PM) "I have to go. Have a good evening. You are waiting if you keep me waiting."

WW: (4:59 PM) "Oh really? Sure. We'll see how that goes. ;P Talk to you later."

You guys see anything else in this conversation?

i guess I need to keep Steve advice in perspective. his goal is to save the marriage, maybe even in cases where it shouldn't be saved. His plan so far has been to educate myself and WW about what makes a successful marriage. I was fine with that plan when the only contact between them was casual email conversation, but after yesterday's emails, I can't bare to go home, look her in the eye, and honestly work hard on 'educating' her about what makes a successful marriage.

Steve's advice for people in my situation, no kids, younger, is that plan B and ultimatums often backfire, since there are no kids or long term marriage in the mix and it is just easier for the WS to cut their losses and walk. But, if she is willing to just walk away and throw away 7 years of her life with me, is she a person I really want to spend my life with? It is hard to come to that realization, but I am getting closer. It is extremely difficult to imagine my life without her when she has been such a constant presence for 7 years.

TC, when I began posting to you, I thought you had a repentant FWW.

I guess I'm a little baffled by Steve's advice to educate someone who seems only to be interested in keeping you in the dark as to her activities and continues to keep secret emails accounts, etc. Exactly how are you supposed to do this?

She's not interested in education, she's interested in compartmentalization.

There's something very scary about someone like your wife who, upon exposure, can just push an affair further underground while lying to your face. It's a far cry from someone who is repentant upon discovery.

We still have issues with her sexual dysfunction that have not gotten any better.

Her sexual dysfunction was one of the major things that led to the decline of our relationship. In the last year before we got married, SF would only happen about once every 3-4 weeks. That is just not normal. We had discussed the problem, and she just thought that there was something wrong with her, that she never felt "in the mood". I wasn't thrilled about the infrequency of SF, but if that was the way she was, I learned to accept it.

Right before the wedding and during the A, her libido picked up, and in conversations about the A, she admitted that she had no idea she had more of a sex drive until she met OM. At first, I didn't any evidence that they had been physical, so I gave in to her advances when I thought we were in recovery. Now it just makes me sick.....

jmwc95

How did you expose the A? Was it a workplace A?

My WW said she would never forgive me for risking her career by exposing to her boss, but she got over it once she was over withdrawal of OM.

my WW has already warned me that she won't be able to forgive me is tell her work. WW is in a unique situation with her job because she works in such a small industry where everybody knows everybody. If she were to changed jobs (would require us to move to a different state) she would still interact with the people from her old job multiple times a year.

You to HR: "From what I know about the situation, if you check WW's and OM's deleted emails, you will find that WW and OM have been having sex in Building X room Y. I'm not saying how I know, but I know."

don't think that will work. they delete all messages, then delete them from the deleted items folder, then delete them from the "items available for recovery folder". Unless the email system is set up to save those messages for a certain period of time, they won't find anything. And hinting I have access to their emails would open me up to legal action from the university since I obtained her password with a keylogger. Doubt they would prosecute, but they could if they wanted.

I was planning on saying something similar, but just say that the A is taking place on university time in university building using university resources. That should start some sort of investigation which would probably start with email, i would think.

I think my plan for exposure will be to call OMW again, and tell her about the latest email. From what I have heard from WW, if OMW finds out that the A is continuing, she is divorcing OM. Do you think I should call OM's parents, I found them on google. I also found his sister. When exposing at work, I know I should send the letter to HR and other higher up people, but should I also include her bosses? I have meet them a few times and they all think she is the best of the research fellows they have. I would be afraid that they might want to sweep this thing under the rug for fear of losing her.