<My wife of 18 years had been under doctors care since early July for menopause sysptoms including anxiety ,depression and confusion .She was put on an antidepressant and soon became a zombie ,no longer caring about or for my two sons 6 and 13 ,my neighbors and or myself. She even spoke to our Minister about her confusion .At one point in mid aug she was talking to realtors trying to sell our house and buy a $400,000 monster behind my back .She tried in vain to convince me that this was a good idea.On Nov 1st she dropped the bomb.She had been having an affair for4 months with a man whith whom she had "A Special bond". She showed no emotion .My wife had been a wonderfully caring person prior to our doctors visit in July .We had little marital problems if any .We loved each other .She dropped the bomb on my two kids the next day with no care or emotion .I found out that she left our kids alone all night on halloween 11pm- 6am to be with this OM .She bragged to the enxtdoor enighbor .Totally out of character .She has taken on a complete different personality . She moved out on Dec1st .We hve the kids equal time ,4 days in a row . She has told people that she wasnt unhappy ,that she still loves me ,that she has a messed up life ,that everyone hates her ,she has ruined everyones lives etc etc etc .The man she is seeing has left a wife and 3 teenage sons as well .She is totally a different person and absolutely no the same caring person I have know for 18 years. I dont know where to turn next .I have a lawyer and have drawn up a separation agreement reluctantly .All her family and all our friends are concerned for her .Our doctor upon hearing from my about all the strange behaviour has suggested that she is depressive uif not manic .I want to help her at least return to being the mother she once was .I am taking care of me and the boys as best I can but feel I need to do more .Any thoughts .I have a thread on surviving betrayal.com under mike .Now I find myself here looking for answers. If she was the same person as 7 months ago i could just be mad ,hate her and move on but hse not she's messed up .She puts on this perfectly fine face to go out in public ,work and presumably date this other guy .Underneath she hates herself (Her words)

At the first sign or suggestion of a suicide threat - call the police.
She probably needs to be hospitalized.

Call the OM's wife and let her know what is going on.

sorry

The OM's wife knew before me. I have reached out to all in contact with my W who she may rach out to .She hasnt talked of suicide .She puts on this perfect face to deal with life but underneath she is a mess .She says to me and others when she shows her true self "The whole world hates me,I screwed up everyones life, my kids hate me but I guess I'm happy. I keep telling her I'm here if she needs me .I cant move on but I cant be stuck with nothing as well .I'm torn . I love my wife but this person is no longer the wonderful caring person I was married to. I am in mourning for the loss of my wife.I cry myself to sleep many nights and am not ashamed to say that .She is and has been completely emotionless for months now .I am just hoping she cracks.

As of today I have begun changing the way I react to this .My new moto is "I can give this some time as 6 months isnt too much to ask to recover 18 good years ". I will no longer act in anger or out of pain . I wont speak about the A or the Om if possible .I made home made chicken soup yesterday and have a container for my WS to take with her when she picks up the kids .I now have a renewed hope .I know this may not work but I am willing to try . She and we are worth it .She isnt in a place to give her the A or B plan to read but I have hope. I will make my home safe from accusations and blame.I was full of both until now. It is God's hands. To add to this I have already been divorced once from a wife who was abused as a child ,When we lost a child at birth and she no longer could have children she lost it and left . l am reliving a previous life nightmare . I have experience YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you exposed the A to family, friends, pastor, work (if applicable), and all the same people on his side? You'll never get her back if you don't.

Welcome to the MB Neutered BH's Club ... the meetings are FULL, but none are happy, except those VERY experienced in the techniques of self-delusion.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'll apologize in advance for the sarcastic tone above, but WAITING AND HOPING won't get you anywhere but MISERABLE.

The NICER you are, the more your WW will DESPISE you. You can take ACTION or you can remain in marital limbo he11 ... it's your life, but "GOD" won't help you ... you have to help yourself.

I am dying for my 13 year and 6 year old sons .My younger one is so confused .My older son told my wife he would be visiting if the OM moved in or was even there whe he was .That is so much pressure on a kid .He is worried about his little brother . As far as I know everyone knows about the affair .His family supports it ,believe it or not .He has 3 teenage sons who want nothing to do with their Dad now but Gramma supports this as she and his wife never got along . My WW is so messed up .She is a depressive mess when she lets you see below that perfectly fine mack she wears. I am hanging on because she is such a mess .I need my kids carring loving mother to return if nothing else.

You haven't answered my question. Did YOU expose and to whom?

My WW has told all her family and friends as far as I know .The OM has also told his family and they are happy ????? The only people I cant reach are my WW's co-workers of the last 3 months . I'm sure they think she had a bad marriage and now she is just so happy .Unfortunately or fortunately underneath that happy exterior lies a deeply depressed mess. Our Minister and all our (Now my) church knows as does my whole neighborhood and all my family .

Have you read ANYTHING on this site? If so, you would have learned that exposure is what YOU do. Not your wife, who lies. Not OM, who lies. YOU EXPOSE. You go to every single one of the people they 'say' they told and tell them your side of the story. NOTHING those two could have possibly said would be anywhere near the truth, would it?

Go make your list RIGHT NOW of every person you can contact on your side, her side, and his side. Sit down at the phone or the computer, and contact every single person on that list until you're done; if you don't get hold of one of them, don't stop until you do. You do this all at once so that they don't have a chance to figure out what you're doing and call ahead and make up more lies, this time about YOU.

The whole point of exposing is telling everyone the truth about the slimy, sneaky, disgusting thing they are doing, and everyone's lives they're ruining. Make them look like the jerks they are, so the affair won't be fun any more and they'll break up.

I have spoken to all the WW's family and all our friends .I dont know her co-workers or their names .In speaking to the OM's wife , his mother and brother are happy about the affair as they never saw eye to eye . The WW is in ,as per our Doctor , in a huge depression and not mentally sound but no to the point that I or he can do anything .

Does anyone know what my WW's reaction will likely be if a strange woman enters the equation on my side (Only a friend)?I am sure that will complicate things big time .What will my WW's reaction likely be ?

You need to read the book "Not just friends" Shirley Glass. (verify please)

Read the site articles. Unless this lady comes chaperoned, WE don't trust it!

Don't know HER reaction, but MY reaction is don't you dare! There's no such thing as just a friend right now. You should know better than that. That's how affairs start. You are in no position to be spending time around ANY female except family.

I see this turn of events as a test of my true intentions .Yes it feels good to have attention from a female after being treated like garbage by your best friend .I went to a Xmas party with the "Other woman "and yes there were advances made by her . I nicely fended off those and this has now strengthened my resolve to see this through to the end no matter how it turns out .I am committed to my marriage.

Is there a general tiem frame for the lifting of the "Fog ". It has been almost 5 months since the beginning of the affair and almost 2 months since the DDay . I am so impatient becaue I miss my wife horribly . Every time she comes to pick up or drop off the kids I die a little more .It kills me to see her drive away towards the OM . There have been some rumblings on his side of quote "Do you want me back ?" but, on my side she is still in lala land . She still sees none of the pain ,or darkness caused by their decisions. Everyone else can see it plain as day but she has blocked it all out .I wish I could block out my emotions as well but I cant .I put on a strong supportive front (Plan A) until she leaves then I crumble .God give me strength!!!!!!!!!!!

You're in a fog yourself.

The only husbands who do well on these boards are the ones who take action, not the ones who let themselves get bullied by the WW. Trust me, I was one of the latter who wishes very strongly that i was one of the former.

Here's what you need to do:

Start ticking off your WW by not doing as she wishes.

Your sons, for example, do not stay anywhere but in your marital home.

Expose to those who you haven't talked to personally.

File immediate custody papers.

Your WW will get ticked as all heck, but you must remain calm, stoic, and cool.

Seriously, if you want your wife back, then you need to do the thigs which require strength and show strength. You will otherwise simply be a doormat to her.

Finally, sue the other man for alienation of affection. It may not win, but the hassle combined with the costs alone will make it worth the effort.

Finally, move this thread to the General Questions II board, which has much more traffic.

BHes who act do well. BHes who take action and dictate what will happen are the ones who either get their wives back or who get custody.

Those who let their WWes bully them don't do well since WW'es have a way of playing on our emotions and guilt.

Here's another thing you need to accept and understand. You're not unique or different. Your wife isn't special and "we just don't know her".

We can predict what she will say to you. It's a script and all cheating wives go by it.

We know what works and what doesn't. Right now you're on the path of "not working".

Time to wake up, man up, and do the things you need to do.

Your wife's pity party isn't unusual either.

But you need to take action for yourself and your boys.

I am very glad that you had/have the finances to go to court repeatedly to take a stand for your rites .A little militant none the less .I on the other hand am trying to keep my household afloat financially . I get to see my kids far more than than the equal/shared custody of 4 days at a time and do feel that they need their mother despite her downfalls right now. They are with with me and her equal time . I am not at war but am fighting a strong battle without dropping bombs of my own .Your way works for you. My way will work ,God willing , for me .I am following the path layed out by my conscience and this website and feel I am on the right path. Good luck to you and God bless.

Your wife is doing what is called cake eating.

You don't have to take my opinion on it, but that's what's happening.

It's going to continue to happen until you upset the apple cart and stand up for yourself and your kids.

You are in that mode where you're afriad of the WW's anger.

We've all been there.

But she can do what she's doing now for years. And you'll go along with it for years because of fear.

It's a fog of your own and it is fear that keeps you from acting. You're afraid of angering the WW.

It's good you have a 4 day on 4 off arrangement. But in order to get your wife back and subsequently your family, you have to end the affair. The affair will not end unless you take some hard steps to end it.

Exposure. Plan A then Plan B.

That's what works on these forums.

YOu have presedent for custody established. That's good.

But otherwise you're stuck with a WW who is cake eating.

Ask the mods to move your thread to General Questions II for more inputs. The rest of the gang can chime in and see that it isn't just me being "militant".

A cake eating wife will continue to do that so long as you do nothing and "hope".

"Hope" will get you nowhere.

You need to listen to POM. He's been where you are.

Your sitch is textbook. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to you because you're experiencing it but to us- well, we see this type of situation all the time.

Search for a story by Mortarman. Strong man who saved his marriage and he didn't do it by being a pushover. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm just trying to help you.