New to this website so I am not sure if I am in the wrong place or not.

My H and I have been seperated for 7 months. I asked him to leave after 28 years of marriage when I found out he went on vacation with someone else.

That is long over1 - Although I think he has a new friend.

Anyhow, he does come over to the house and we do talk. I am not sure how to get him back. I am hurt, betrayed and angry at him, I asked him if he wants a divorce and he says he does not know what he wants.

He has been over for thanksgiving and will be over at the house for Xmas.

How can I get him back and get us started communicating so we can start to mend this broken fence.

I will admit I was not there for him emotional all the time and he as been under pressure with his family issues over the last few years.

I need steps to take so I can get us back to talking and not arguing.

Or is it too late! - After 7 months being seperated.

I did talk to a divorce lawyer last week and he had asked me if I was sure this is what I wanted. And I told him I don't know.

I am lonely, confused and unable to get us to a place where we can discuss our feelings.

Would a long letter to him work!

Out of Patience and out of my mind!

Thanks,

Hi Ban, welcome to MB

You are in the right place. I think you would find it best to have your post moved to General questions 2. It has more traffic and there are vets who will be able to talk you thru the plans.
If you click on 'Notify" at the bottom of your first post a moderator will do it for you

moved to General Questions at posters request.

Hello Ban52,



I know you pain, really I do. I am so sorry you are here, but yet you are in the best place you can be. I personally have read a few book dealing with i hate to say affair or even infidelity because to me its adultery. It does not matter whether or not you were perfect as none of us are. Adultery is selfish and if problems existed in the marriage our spouses could have easily set us down and said "Houston we have a problem". That is what almost all of the betrayed spouses would have done if it were us, correct. Your behavior gives him no excuse to do what could have been done with simple communication. So right now forgive yourself for what ever you think may have helped it. The great thing is you can do a 180 in this area and I highly recommend that you do, but not for anyone but yourself that way whether or not the marriage recovers you are a better person for it.

Anyways I have read Divorce Remedy, Love Must Be Tough and the last one I found was this book, Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. First let me ask you have you read the book yet? If not can you get one like yesterday and read it cover to cover? Out of the 3 books I've mentioned truly this is the only one with a clear path and way back. Its the only one truly that I know of that has principles to show you how to be in a marriage.

It doesn't really matter if he has a new friend right now the question is do you want the marriage? Do you want to at least give it a chance, that way if you must file you know you did all that you could to make it work? You have to find out that first. Is it worth it to you? It will not be easy but then nothing great in life ever attained easily. You will have to gain much patience and perseverance to undertake this task. Only you know what you can and cannot do and what is in your heart.

I started this book after 5 months of separation and my H responded ridiculously great to Plan A. He even lives with the OW and I still did the plan A. I was able to make 180 in some minor areas, and it felt good not just for him but because I knew I grew and became free as a person. Its not too late in my humble opinion, its just up to you if you want the marriage. Was the marriage worth it before? Was he a good man? Not that it matters really but just some questions to help you figure out what you want. No one here can give that to you.

I have spent tons of time reading as most of the people here have about adultery but what I have learned is that whenever crisis happens, whether it be death, adultery etc that its always good to try and wait a year before making life decisions. Now that doesn't mean you cant file for a LSA if he is not supporting you financially. I think you still can fight for the marriage and protect yourself financially. I am fortunate enough that my H has been putting in money and I have not had to yet but he does know that I will if he makes me.

Right now I think a great Plan A is a good place to start but it will take all your patience and strength to do it. I personally would do that before I would divorce that way you can look back knowing you did your best.

I know your lonely, its a hard time of year to be going through this but you can dig in and do a great Plan A. I say yes stop talking and arguing. This is only making it worse.

How did you get your spouse to fall in love with you in the first place? It was through arguing, pleading, reasoning or any of those things. It was your confidence probably. You may not feel it at this moment but pull your self up and find that again. No begging, no pleading, no reasoning, no crying, no guilt at least until you find out what it is you want. This behavior only pushes them further. When you cage an animal what does it naturally want to do? Escape.

So what do you want?

Hi Ban,

It is not too late if your WS (wayward spouse) is talking with you and coming over for holidays. He still has a connection to you. You are fulfilling some of his needs, and that is good.

I suggest a plan A over the holidays. Please read up on this website.

You will have more help coming from people here that really know what they are talking about, if you want to recover your marriage.

I know this is really hard, and this is a good place to come if you don't know what to do.

You need a plan to recover, whether it is your marriage or yourself.

Hang in there, help is on the way. I don't have any links that can help you, but others will have that info.

God Bless!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Ban,

From these statements, it's clear to me that you DO want him back. But there's been no headway because there's been no PLAN. You need a plan, and Marriage Builders has a good one for rebuilding from the ground up.

So, roll up your sleeves, take a deep breath, and jump into it! We who have done it will help you, but you must get educated.

READ about Plan A using the links on the home page. READ Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters, all by Dr. Harley, who created this program. (Local bookstore, or order them from the home page link to MB's bookstore.)

Your WH IS still connected to you--he keeps showing up! He's as stumped as you are as to how to get out of the mess, but even more confused than you are because HE'S caught in the quicksand of an affair. Believe it or not, YOU are the one standing on solid ground. YOU will have to lead the way.

It will take time, commitment and patience.

Ready?

Right Here Waiting





PS: Here is an oft-quoted passage regarding the basics of what we call Plan A:

This is an outline of plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Lsst Night we had another discussion regarding his friend and the conversation was left by him telling me to back off and give him some breathing room so he can make a decision on what he wants out of his life.

I asked him if he loved this girl and he said I don't know what I want I am so confused.

Very recently he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and will be going through radiation treatment. Remember he has been out of the house for 7 months. The medication he is taking has left him very emotional and confused on what he wants.

I truly believe he may be going through some mid life crisis.

I have talked to him parents and they know what is going on.
This friend of his is a co-worker. My husband is the HR manager at the company.

I think I will play it cool and not call him and let him make the first approach.

He is in a fog right now so of course he does not know what he wants. I wouldn't even bother in answering unless you want fog answers. They ALL say this. We have ALL heard this. He is not any different and is following the exact same path as all the other betraying spouses.

Now remember playing it cool is not a Plan A. I would do a Plan A very quickly now while he is still somewhat emotionally tied to you. Playing it cool is not a replacement for Plan A. Plan A is a very defined plan based on YOUR H's emotional needs and it does show growth in areas maybe he has complained about in the past. Do not wait, he's been out of the house for 7 months. Get the book and implement.

I think the others are right, you should be in Plan A.

Read up on Emotional Needs (ENs) and try to think about your H and figure out what his are. Then jump through every hoop and turn back flips to meet his ENs. Do NOT play it cool!! If you're cool and waiting for him to make the first move, and his "friend" (the other woman, OW) is listening to his fears, feeding him good dinners, and rubbing his tense shoulders, where do you think he'll end up?

Don't ask him about OW or talk relationship talk. Just leave that be for now. There is absolutely nothing good that can come of it. You'll appear needy or controlling and both of those are negative.

Get Surviving An Affair (go to the library if you need to) and read it, cover to cover.

I called in and ordered the book today to give me some insight on Plan A and Plan B

I should have the book in two days. In the meantime, can someone tell me how to handle him until I have the book and read it.

I don't want to make more of a mess than it already is.

Please help

Married 28 years

I have bought the book will have it in 2 days. In the meantime, how do I handle the situation.

My suggestion:

Invite him to move back into the house so he can receive cancer treatment under your care.
Tell H this: "I want to take care of you during this time. I know you're not ready to commit, and I accept that. I want to help your return to health."

PS:

H will probably say "no"

then, it's OK for you to say this after a week or so:

"My offer to take care of you during your treatments still stands. Let me know if you change your mind.".... then drop it and don't push

I did ask him to return and he is not ready to come home yet.

He says we would be at each other's throat within 2 weeks.

I am not quite sure that I mentally am ready for him to return yet. I have too much hurt and anger.

Thanks

ban,

You are going to HAVE to get a handle on your anger if you want to pry his head out of his A. NOT NEGOTIABLE. Expressing anger to him will only drive him further toward the OW, who NEVER yells or tells him how he's so bad. SO hard to do, I know, but don't you want your M more than you want to yell at him?

See if your doc will give you some anti-anxiety medication for the short term. I was horrified that I needed them, but admit it made a huge difference over those worst few months. When I explained my sitch, he immediately whipped out his Rx pad. I am still grateful for that short term help.

Interesting that WH says you'd be "at each other's throats within two weeks." That's your love busting he's referring to. Make him an offer: "Come here and let me look after you for two weeks. I PROMISE I will avoid ANY unpleasantness. I want to help you get through this."

What a great opportunity for Plan A! Show him your BEST. Show him you're NOT the yelling, out-of-control wench he's using as justification for his A. Show him, whether he moves back in with you or not.

Right Here Waiting

PS: You asked what you could do till SAA arrives.
#1 Say nothing nasty to him.
#2 Make a list of all the things about you that he complained about before the A. Do a 180 on those things. Immediately.

You are correct, I need to get a handle on my anger. It is very hard to do.

I will work on this but how do I handle wondering where he is at night after night.

I work so I can keep my self occupied but at night it is very hard to do.

Any suggestion other than MEDS would be of benefit.

ME

Then I suggest anything (other than meds) to keep yourself busy during the evenings. Go out with friends, join a gym, read the MB books, distract yourself from your misery.

C'mon. You KNOW where he is at night. And your imaginations are probably worse than most of what he's actually doing. Pining and stewing won't help at all. Will just keep your anger and your angst in full control of what you say and do. WHICH IS COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE. It's driving him away!

How can you show him you are the more desirable woman if you're unable to control yourself??? You can't control him anyway. You've already seen proof of that. You must make him WANT you more than he wants the OW.

He's on the fence right now. While you cannot control which way he will ultimately choose to fall, how YOU behave will have tremendous influence. Do you want to show him the loving best of yourself, or the stuff that will make him want to head for the hills?

Your choice.

I have finally come to a decision. He is having his cake and eating it too. He is very confused does not know what he wants.

I have tried and tried to be understanding, having him over for dinner. Having him over for Thanksgiving. Tired to be supportive. When he was sick with the Flu I took him over soup.

I asked him to go to counseling or talk to some one.


I feel I am being used. Plan A is out. I am going for Plan B. I need to be able to sleep at night and I am so tired of feeling like a used dish rag.

I called him last night and told him I didn't want him over for Xmas.

At this point, I think we need breathing room from each other. We all know this relationship with the OW will not last. My H wants to feel young again!.

I think he needs time to realize that perhaps maybe I won't be around for him. So I think I will go on with my life and maybe he will get his act together maybe not.

In reading your post, I noticed your husband is an HR Mgr and "dating" an employee". What is the company policy there?
I am in the same situation but I also work there. Has anyone exposed them at work? I am wrestling with that decision now.
God bless on your plan B.

I am in the same boat. I don't think anyone is aware at work yet. With the help of my brother we have her license plate numbers and I am looking for a way to find out her name.


I really can't go to the higher ups and say whats her name.

Actually I am not sure how to handle the situation or how to do it.

Anyone has any advice.