December 1st, 2008 my world began collapsing down around me and continued to do so for 72 hours. I have found help in reading articles and books but every situation is different and mine could win an award...

I learned of my spouse of 2 years cheating on me by an email from his ex-wife. They co-parent their 4 year old child. We moved across the state this summer and although their relationship had been anything but civl since their daughter was born, it reached a new level after we moved with our newborn son to be closer to my family.

Every email or exchange between the two becomes heated in nano seconds. I found out about the cheating over one of these heated exchanges which said "you (my spouse) weren't acting like this when you were **** me in the back of J****'s mercedes when she (me) was pregnant". I got the email when my spouse was on a trip.

Within seconds, I had frozen accounts, made arrangements to retrieve my truck (he has a new job where he works out of state 14 days out of the month and leaves a car there) and so on. Everything was in my name and I was pulling it all back.

He called me when he landed and I let him know of the email and that everything was frozen or closed and that I would get ahold of him when I needed him. My number was changed 10 minutes later.

The next night I realized I needed to get ahold of him (stupid me for canceling his cell) and had to get ahold of his sister to do so. He called me the next morning and thats when I lost it on him. I sobbed uncontrollably as I had been ever since I had hung up after our initial conversation. I cried for 4 days straight.

I told him to come home from his trip to get his things and then disappear. He flew in later that night. I told him there was nothing to talk about. I was devastated and disgusted. How would I ever trust him, touch him, be intimate with him again? I couldn't even drive my car- it made me feel so gross. What if I hadn't found out? Would it have kept happening? Amongst many many other emotions...thoughts

We ended up talking later that night- him apologizing profusely- saying it only happened once- he said he was black out drunk, and ran into her at the bar and they got into a fight and left together and has hated himself every day since. I asked him if there were any more- he promised she was it and only that one time. It was his fault and it had nothing to do with me.

I woke up the next morning feeling a slight bit better only because my mind wasn't wondering as much. Some of my lingering questions had been answered.

It wasn't until I got to work that morning that I got the next email. Again from his ex wife- talking about another woman- a family friend- who he had been sleeping with over this summer.
I ran home. Had him pack his things and we left. I didn't know where I was dropping him off at but I knew I was leaving him somewhere- airport, friends house, grassy field- somewhere.

I ended up going into my church. I cried uncontrollably and told him he needed to go to confession to better his chances of not going to hell.

It was only there, that all of the truths (I think) came out. There were 6 women total- in less than a year.He maintains ALL of them he was wasted drunk. The most recent one being the night of Nov 30th- just 24 hours before i got the first email. Starting from when I was pregnant on forward. He said he didn't feel attractive to me anymore, and felt that when I looked at him- I saw all of his flaws- and these women didn't. There is much more but in efforts to shorten this:

Here are my biggest issues:

ALL of the lies, deception, putting my (and baby) health at risk, etc etc etc- all of which everyone feels when they are cheated on.

My story is different due to all of the variables. I spent hours last night reading every piece on this website. If I even entertain the idea of reconciling, which he begs me to do, the steps outlined on this site are not all acheivable.


- There were 4 random "no-namers" from bars he has never seen again. He said that he would meet them at a bar, hook up, and leave

- 1 is his ex-wife who he 'hates' (yet not enough to sleep with her?!?!?!?)

- 1 was a family friend who KNOWS me, and the baby and I know her family. She had just caught her husband cheating on her in spring and was devastated- then turns and has a hand doing it to me... I struggle the most with this one- it happened multiple times- over the course of a couple months. There were also text messages going both ways of them pursuing each other. Obviously somewhat of a relationship was going on whereas with the others, they were one night stands.

WHAT WAS THE DIFFERENCE? Obviously he had feelings for her- not the others?!?!

My issues: I can't trust a thing that comes out of his mouth.
Usually its either random one night stands or another relationship- but he maintained both- so I cant understand or begin to comprehend what it is that he was trying to get from them- one night stands can't get your emotional affection- purely physical...

I don't know... I am so tired of thinking and processing this. It is phyically and mentally exhausting.

In regards to the steps-

Cutting the ties with those he cheated with:

He had already cut off communication with the family friend that it had happened with multiple times before I had found out.

He can't cut ties with his ex-wife as they are co-parenting their child. The court papers has him visit his daughter once a month, in her hometown- that means nights away from me and in the town where all of the cheating happened.

The steps say- no nights away- yet he will be away at work for 14 days out of the month and he will be away when he goes for his visit to his daughter...

IF i was able to get over my unbearable pain...these issues are still here and seem unsolvable and with him having to be out of town for work and visitation- it a breeding ground of possibilities for future infidelity.

Also, there were NO warning signs. Our relationship was loving, sexually active, and fun at all levels. When I was pregnant, I wasn't moody, no issues at all. We have had the same fun ever since we met. Its hard for me to take him seriously when he says that it happened because he felt unwanted or unattractive because that just wasn't ever the case.

Help

How did his M to his XW end?

Was he M'd when he started his relationship with you?

Looks like you've basically M'd a sex-addict, and less he seriously does something to work on that (i.e. counselling), you're basically setting yourself up for a nightmare of an M if you decide to remain with him.

If you do not send this loser packing, you will be dealing with this for the rest of your life. Scum like this never change.

Get a great lawyer to go after custody and support.

Fight.

Jharbor, I am sorry you are here, but it sounds like your H is not only a serial cheater, but an alcoholic. A double whammy. He is a black out drunk who is extremely destructive.

That means that your marriage does not have any hope of recovering unless he gets help for his alcohol addiction. That has to happen before you can even hope to recover your marriage. The best that you can do in such a situation is remove yourself until he gets it under control, because I assure you, it will get worse.

My suggestion would be to separate until he stops drinking and gets into a program of recovery. In the meantime, get yourself to Alanon meetings to learn what you are dealing with. Here is a link about alcoholism that might be helpful: Alcoholic Spouse

while I can't imagine EVER wanting to recover with a 6 time cheat (and BTW, get checked for STD's)...Mel is absolutley right. IF you want to save your marriage, the addiction needs to be dealt with first.

I wouldn't jump to that conclusion yet - it's possible that he could be using drunkeness as an excuse for his choice of behaviour.

If there's no history of casual excessive drinking (e.g. at home), then I'd have some doubt about the alcoholism thing, and the poster didn't mention anything about that in her post.

[quote=ManInMotion I wouldn't jump to that conclusion yet - it's possible that he could be using drunkeness as an excuse for his choice of behaviour.


[/quote]

Either way they've been M only two years. She need to kick this loser to the curb and not waste her life with this abuse. PLAN D

But drinking is NOT an excuse for adultery. So if he is using it that way, he is wasting his time. However, if it is true, the man is an alcoholic.

Even so, the sign of alcoholism is not HOW OFTEN or HOW MUCH, but WHAT HAPPENS when he does drink. This man loses control and does things that are morally reprehensible according to him. He blacks out. That is alcoholic behavior.

He may never even drink at home. That doesn't mean he is not an alcoholic. What matters is what happens when he does. And when this man DOES, he loses all control according to himself.

Now, now, ML - are you actually believing the words of a WS?

If other signs of alcoholism haven't been noted by the BS, I'd quicker assume that the WS is lying, rather than actual alcoholism being involved.

I guess I don't understand where the line is drawn in the sand to cut the chord. I want to- believe me- but then why is it ok for others to forgive their cheating spouses? I just need to know the difference for my own sanity.

I also feel guilty to our son. I am by no means niave- and divorce is everywhere- but I grew up in an intact home, all of our family friends and neighbors have been married forever- I have guilt to the baby for his life changing and how he will have to grow up. I know its not my fault at all- but I still feel bad for him. (not enough for it to sway my decision within my relationship) but the guilt is there.

The counselor named it beinge alocholism. He also has a history of sabbatoging every good thing that has happened to him in his adulthood due to his childhood.

I just don't want to be dealing with this.

Anyone can forgive their cheating spouse - if they change. The question for you is if this man will change. You can't make him change. You have to ask yourself if it is a good idea to stay married to an alcoholic and serial cheater.

If you can accept his cheating and binge drinking, then you should stay. If you have a problem with cheating and binge drinking, you might want to consider moving on.