I've wondered about your situation from time to time, I'm glad to hear that things are looking up for you.

Thanks for the update!

Hey Fireblossom! Good to hear from you and that you are doing better!

How often does he have the kids and is there any way to limit their exposure to him? Also--any way you can have no or next to no contact with him whatsoever? Sort of like a Plan B after D?

He is not a good father, and I would bet he never will be. The older the children get, the more he will try to manipulate them and turn them against you. They will be confused because they love both of you and won't know who to believe...

This all concerns me very much because I have seen men like him literally get away with turning very young chidren from their mothers because of their lies and ignorance. Maybe you could start a journal and document little things that happen, things that are said to you in anger in front of them, things they come to you with "Listen to what daddy said about you" etc. You can use this stuff to go back to court and severely limit his time with them. The court may even impose supervised visitation to ensure that he cannot manipulate them.

There is a cycle of abuse on both sides of this equation that needs to be stopped...and I don't think it will be with him in their life...at least until he gets some REAL help. You have begun to really change your life, which is great, but unless he does, the cycle will continue!

Best wishes to you and I hope that life gets happier for you each and every day!!!

Hi you guys,

Well I cant believe it, but it's been a whole year since I first got on here.. I haven't poked around much so I don't know if any of you will remember me, but if you do I just wanted to peek in and say that I'm doing really well!

My kids are doing really well too. Their dad actually has extended standard visitation... the legal aid attorney I had, and was so excited about at the time, now I can see in hindsight that she really did my kids and I injustice. BUT, I'm doing all I can to help them cope by getting them involved in play therapy and giving them stability. Their lives this year have been the most stable ever since we had moved well over a dozen times in our 4 year marriage.

But even though he has the visitation, he doesn't use all of it which is great by me. He still bothers me.. harasses me when he's down then tries to sweet talk me when he's up. I just ignore him, and make harassment reports. It's pretty much all I can do.

I'm working, and I'm going to start school in January, so I'm nervous and excited about that.

I'm single and not really loving it, but knowing it's where I need to be. I'm working really hard to get healthy, working through all the issues takes a lot of time, work and patience but I'm definitely putting forth the effort. I go to weekly counseling and weekly group, I FINALLY opened up to the people in my church about my story to get support there too. I've been going every week for the last year, just sitting alone, and then going home so it was a big step for me to ask for support spiritually.

Mostly I take it one day at a time. Coming out of the denial has been rough... having to look around and see how much he disabled me on so many levels, and the hard truth that I'm the one who has to fix it... it's been really tough. But like I said, I take it one day at a time and I just know one day I'll look back on this and be able to appreciate how much God is working in my life. Right now I just sense it, but i think I often miss the big picture and get bogged down by the day to day difficulties.

Here's a shocking piece of news... my ex got signed by a recording label. He plays at churches, too, and is sleeping around... things he's told me. I think he told me about the sleeping around to make me jealous? Bleh. What a sicko. I'm not sure if he's promoted as a Christian artist but all I can say is I hope not.

So anyway, I hope you are all doing well and again, I can't thank you enough for those of you who shined the truth into the darkness of my life!

Hey there FB,

I'm a long time lurker turned poster. It is great that you have kept up with us. You give us long distance perspective.

Tell us about the bf. What happened?

Well, it seems like common sense now, but it was just a bad idea to get into a relationship so quickly. It did help my self esteem, but it was kind of one of those two steps forward, one step back things, and I'm curious as to how much I would have grown if I had just stuck it out and stayed single..

I think, too, i was just getting a new set of problems. IMO, I don't think a really emotionally healthy man would/should come near me with a ten foot pole until a good year has passed since my divorce. I know that sounds kind of funny, but seriously, any good guy who hears I was recently divorced, if he has healthy boundaries himself, wouldn't get in a relationship with me because he would feel like he was taking advantage. Does that make sense?

So, when a guy knows I'm so fresh out of a divorce and still asks me out, it's a red flag to me.

YES!

Makes TOTAL sense

Do you have any close female confidants? Do they have your back?

Obviously we are always here, but it's always nicer over a cup of coffee.

It's funny that you should mention over coffee... I work at a coffee shop and have made good female friends there.. we have some good 'guys are idiots' talks. Not exactly talking over coffee... more like talking while making coffee, but it still works, and it fits my schedule too!

Yeah, we guys are idiots. We love women for a start. Sadly, we don't know how to treat them.

I'm a half century old and still learning. I guess that is why I am here. Y'know, learning from other peoples mistakes.

I hope that one day your xH will wake up to smell the coffee. He dishonours the name of Christian by his actions. I'm glad for your sake that you have learned less to trust in man and more to lean on God. THIS is good.

Hi all! I am actually Fireblossom... I couldnt get my login and password to work, i guess its been too long, so i had to make a new one.

i just thought i would update anyone interested on my situation, since i believe it could be an encouragement to some.

life is good. i finished school and have a job that i love going to every day! i have been so immensely blessed. i have the best situation i could ask for, i just work four days a week so i still get to spend time with my kiddos.

i went through a year and a half of individual and group counseling, and i can't believe it, but it's been a year since i completed that.

my kids are doing great! my daughter just started kindergarten and is making friends. my son is 3 and is a lot of fun. transitioning from mom to dad and vice versa is still something of a struggle but not nearly as difficult as it once was.

the xh hasn't changed. big surprise. sometimes he's nice, other times he says words to me that no one should have to hear. it hurts, i'm not gonna lie, there are some things in life that a bum could say to you and it would be hurtful. fortunately i have supportive people in my life who are extra gentle and kind to me on those days.

i learned not to rush into relationships. i have worked on myself, and putting my kids first has been my priority. i said no to so many things and people in order to do that. i don't know if i ever mentioned that i painted. i started using my paintings as a tool to express the hurt i experienced. my painting sell for between $600-800. i have held on to the bible verse in romans that says that all things can work toward good for those who love the lord. i have also held on to the promise that the Lord would take care of me and my children. he has. we have never, ever been without.

i have a tiny little old house with wood floors, no dishwasher and a washer and dryer right in the kitchen.. it's tiny, but its enough, and i don't feel burdened financially. we have a dog and a cat and a cute little yard.

after a long break from dating, i agreed to meet up with a guy i dated in high school. he was the last guy i dated before my xh. i was his first real girlfriend. he's divorced, too, his wife cheated too, and he tried to work it out, but she chose the om, who she is now living with. our first date it was like we were best friends, and it's been like that ever since. we're gonna get married havent set a date yet. we have peace about it, so do our families. he's a good, solid, christian guy. goes to church every week and is a good father to his little girl, who is absolutely precious.

anyway, just wanted to provide some encouragement and good news to anyone on here who may wonder how theyre gonna get through. jsut wanted to say that life gets better, and god keeps his promises, whatever your situation.

one thing that god taught me through all these experiences, is that when something doesn't work out it's not because we're a failure or stupid or worthless... when we love the Lord and belong to him, God may close a door, and it may be painful to experience, but he's closing that door because he has something BETTER for us waiting. We just have to keep striving and never give up hope. there have been times when i was angry, but time and time again He has proven that he has a BETTER blan than i could ever come up with. So i don't get angry, i trust and wait to see his plan. If you believe his word that says that he has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, in those painful times, you just have to BELLIEVE HIM, keep your head down and keep on keeping on.

Love,

Fireblossom

WOW, started reading this thread with my coffee at 5:00 this morning, couldn't sleep. It was worth it. So happy you posted again because I was almost at the end and in a panic LOL wondering what had ever happened to you and there was your latest post!!!

I actually cried, because we share the same vs from Romans and you are 100% right, when God closes a door, no matter how painful it may seem, the door he opens is always better for us.

THANK YOU for sharing your story and for coming back time after time with updates. I wish you and your BF many many years of happiness and peace!

HU

FB,

You sound happy, calm, and full of hope for the future.

A renewed spirit with an eye on what life has to offer. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage -

this time, you know what to have in your toolkit. Marriage Builders Concepts!

Schoolbus