I am newly introduced to this forum and have found it to be fabulous, and was encouraged to post my story. This is overwhelming to me and I need help, if it's not too late. My WW and I have been married for 16 years with a son and daughter, ages 14+ and 13. We're both 44.

On a Sunday morning 3 weeks ago, my wife was sitting on the couch looking depressed and I asked what was wrong. She looked over to me and said , "I don't want to be married anymore". I was astonished. Through some questions, I figured out that she was with an OP, but had no idea how serious the relationship might be. In essence, she said she doesn't love me anymore and this problem has been going on for a few years, and was actually surprised that I still loved her, which I do very much, but hadn't expressed my feelings well enough. I asked why she didn't bring it up then, and she said that any time she brought something up, I would "laugh it off", or walk away. In retrospect, I can say that I haven't done anything wrong in our marriage (except the annoying little love busters), but moreso, didn't do anything right (all the baic Concepts of Dr. Harley). Through some research of cell phone records and recalling the past, she seems to have changed about a year ago when she started going to the gym (she looks fabulous now), her music desires have changed, and she stopped goin to church. She has been hanging out with divorced friends and the cell phone with the OP started going gang-busters on Sept 1.

When we first had children, we mutually decided that she wouldn't work and would raise the children. Since then, she's made about $4K per year in part time work, compared to my $80K per year, but I am self-employed and that number is all over the board. I went self-employed in 2000, and our financial life has not been strong.

That morning, she said she didn't want to go to counseling or try to work anything out, so I raised my voice (which is rare, if ever) and said if she doesn't want to try, then get the f#$& out, within earshot of my kids upstairs who heard it. She said she has no place to go, as the OP is divorced with his high school senior daughter at home. W decided for her to stay at home because of our financial situation, and she has no income.

My wife just got a $40K job that starts on Jan 2. That 2nd income would be critical for living, but she intends to move out because she wouldn't be able to afford the house, but I might. My son wants to live with me, and I don't know about my daughter, but she's been attached to my wife's hip since she was a young child. If my wife leaves and takes the kids, I will be in financial ruin (monthly cost of living plus child support and possible alimony). Due to school reasons, she is very restricted as to where she can move. However, in the beginning, we agreed to make this "easy" and don't want the courts to be involved in child custody. I now want both kids because I don't think they should witness her sins, or she'll leave them home alone alot. Besides, this could save me financially.

I've had 3 emotional outbursts in the first 2+ weeks, but have been alot better since visiting the MB website and forum. Until this morning. I spied and caught them embracing and kissing this morning as they left the gym, and then had a huge emotional outburst a few minutes later this morning at home - with kids in earshot.

Shortly thereafter, I apologized for my outbreak and explained that 80 - 85% of situations like this can be worked out and that we can rekindle our love and relationship and save this marriage and family. Well, she said she's one of the 20%, doesn't love me anymore, has no interest in working it out, and she's filing - where should I have it sent.

Now what? I thought I was doing OK with Plan A for the past 3 - 4 days (still waiting for SAA to arrive), but I think I blew it.

You need to directly inform OM to leave your wife alone and that your marriage "isn't over".

You need to expose to everyone why your marriage is REALLY in trouble and not the lie your wife is going to spread, (we just aren't compatable anymore)or (he has become abusive).

Your kids should know immediately the mommy is messing around with another man and wants to destroy their family, security and expose them to sin.

I'm assuming you want to save the marriage, so the first thing you'll have to do is contact everyone in your W's life, your life, and OM's life - all in one period - and tell them what's going on. Tell them you want to save your marriage and would welcome any advice (and hopefully they will help by putting pressure on them to end the A).

Just remember that everything she is saying is gibberish. Once she is away from him, and through withdrawal, she will start to see how things really are.

EXPOSE THIS WEEK!

Catperson,

Thanks for your reply. I think I've contacted everyone in my W's life, as well as those that are close to me, but this situation is embarassing. Her mother (and soul mate) was the first person I told on that Sunday morning, I've been contacting her regularly, and is on my side, but may be in her waning years due to cancer and doesn't want to lose her daughter. A couple of her "divorced friends" are obviously aware because they probably encouraged her over the past year that everything will be OK. I don't know much about the OM except that they're part of a group that goes to the gym every weekday morning. How do I expose to them, if they don't know already? I feel like a fool who's the last to know. Where do I stop?

Pariah,

My kids are aware and I've been trying to gain their support. They both know that I want to save the marriage and the family, but mom simply doesn't want to try. I was accused of a "low blow" this morning when I was telling my daughter within earshot of my WW.

Welcome to MB, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but under the circumstances you are in the very best possible place to be.

You will learn so much about affairs, yourself, your WW and your marriage.

Breaking up an affair is very difficult, but there are many men on here who have done it and have been very successful, please follow what they are saying to you.

In Plan A, there is always room for mistakes, you just stop, come here, ask questions and replan. I made lots of mistakes..

One of the thing I had to learn was to breathe, trust time and relax. There is a plan of action that you can develop and we can help you through this, and recover your marriage.

Read and read on here, ask lots of questions and know that you are not alone.

Don't listen to anything WW is saying, she is alien now, spewing poison from her mouth. She is NOT the woman you married and will do anything to get her FIX of the affair.

Also remember, her "friends" are toxic and are cheerleading her affair.

I hope you are being facetious. In case you are not, you should know that those "annoying little love busters" can be death to a marriage. You can be meeting ENs left and right but if you have "annoying little love busters" then you drain her love bank much faster than you can fill it. The outcome is that she falls out of love with you and begins to dislike you.

You need to stop them NOW. Every time you want to make a disrespectful judgment (DJ) or have an angry outburst (AO) or any other LB, remember that in her mind she is comparing you to OM, and she's also looking for a way to vilify you in her mind and justify her decision to leave. You absolutely can NOT afford love busters.

How do you know this? If your WW told you, you better do some homework. You might find out that OM's wife would be very surprised to learn that OM is divorced. Heck, even your WW might be surprised. OM could have lied to your WW. Your WW could have lied to you. Verify the statement that OM is divorced.

This means you have to expose, and expose NOW.
It also makes avoiding LBs even more critical.
You only have two or three weeks to show a "new, improved" scared1 to your WW.

Do NOT engage in divorce talk with her. When she brings it up, tell her "I only talk marriage. When you're ready to talk about saving our marriage, I'm here for you. But I'm not interested in divorce talk." If you have to, leave the room or even take a walk.

Well since you'd already comitted the AO the only thing you could do was apologize, but you need to get that temper in check. Also, quit trying to educate her. She doesn't need education or lectures or facts and figures. She needs to see through your consistent actions that you can avoid LBs and meet her ENs.

Don't pay attention to her talks of love or trust or any of that garbage. She's wayward and she'll say unbelievable things. When she asks where she should have it sent, tell her you only talk marriage, not divorce.

You didn't blow it, but you sure didn't help yourself either. Plus, it's going to take a heck of a lot more than three or four days of Plan A. She needs to see consistent behavior over time before she even considers giving the M a chance. Plan A for 3 or 4 days is just you trying to manipulate her into coming back into the marriage, where she can be ignored and hollered at again. Not to worry - just be consistent. Meet her top ENs and avoid LBs. And EXPOSE.

They know your WW is married to someone other than OM, to a man that is heartbroken about the affair and is willing to do anything he can to save the marriage and become a better husband? I doubt it.

Just because someone knows your OW is seeing OM does NOT mean they've been exposed to. Exposure means that YOU tell them personally:
1. My WW is having an A with OM
2. I will do anything in my power to save the M
3. I would appreciate your support
4. Do you have any advice?

When you expose, do NOT tell your WW you're going to expose. That will give her time to tell her friends how controlling and abusive and insane and possessive you are. By the time you get to them they won't believe you. So expose without warning.

Also, you should expose all at once.

Expose to:
Your children
Your WW's parents
Your parents
OM's wife
OM's parents
OM's child
Folks at the gym (I'd put up a huge sign on her car in the parking lot)

Turtlehead,

Thank you for your wisdom. FYI - provide me with the wisdom as to how to do the quote thing because I can't figure it out.

With the exception of the angry outbursts, I have been avoiding the ittle love busters, but the AOs carry a whole lot more weight. I wish I was able to reverse the clock and not allow that AO to happen this morning. Now I have to deal with it. She's very cold tonight and hasn't even acknowledged my presence, even though we've stood next to each other in the kitchen. If I can get her and my daughter to sit in the same room again, I plan to apologize for my AO. Is that a bad idea?

I don't know the OM's situation for sure, other than the fact that my WW said so because she had no place to go. I have no reason to believe otherwise, nor do I even know how to find out.

I feel as though I've already exposed to most people and, ironically, it seems as though she's beating me to the punch with certain individuals, including my children and my next doo neighbor who is the local hawk and knows everything. Regarding the gym folks, putting a big sign on her car (or anywhere) would be ineffective because it's dark out, and it'll only piss her off even more. She's already really mad at me from this morning's episode.

It's tense around here right now. I did meet with a lawyer today who implied hat it may not be slam dunk that she gets the kids. I was surprised.

Dear Queeniesnewlife,

I fear that she means it when she says she doesn't love me anymore. If that's truly the case, then this M is doomed and I am probably wasting my time doing anything other than accepting the D papers. But, I just find it hard to believe that she has no feelings toward me, particulrly since there weren't really any signs other than a lack of passion. I'm confused, and also probably over-anxious with time.

I also cut her off of the credit cards and bank accounts today and she has no source of income, even though she's been pretty good with spending. Was that a bad idea? Am I only going to push her away further? Should I reverse those moves somehow? Anybody help me with this one. That may have been premature. That certainly doesn't fit the description of Plan A.

Scared1, they all say terrible, horrible things. I love you but I'm not IN love with you. I haven't loved you in years. All sorts of variations. Don't even engage her in this type of conversation right now and if she brings it up, remember that everything coming out of her mouth is wayward lies. There is a script and they ALL follow it.

The fact that she can't move in with him means that he either (A) is still married, (B) actually has the DD but doesn't feel strongly enough of about your WW to risk upsetting his family or (C) both. In any event, this is NOT going to be a long term affair where they move in together and he's likely going to drop your WW like a hot potato the minute it's exposed. Until that happens, your marriage is in jeopardy.

Your job right now is to end the affair. You cannot recover a marriage while the A is still active. End the affair by:

Exposure to anyone and everyone - the friends at the gym, her family, his family - especially if he's married

Don't protect your WW from the consequences. She will be angry - this is normal and expected. A marriage can withstand anger. It cannot withstand an active affair.

Do everything you can to meet any ENs she will allow and avoid LBs. Remember, exposure is not an LB. Setting boundaries is not an LB. Allowing her to take the full brunt of the consequences of the A is not an LB. Just because she blames you does not mean it is an LB. Plan A isn't supposed to make her happy, it's supposed to make her see what a wonderful guy she's leaving behind.

Also, you did the right thing with the credit cards. When she asks, tell her you will not finance the affair.

Expose to the OM's daughter, if she's 14 or older...

Tabby1 - I realize there's no way we can proceed toward recovery so long as the A is going on, and I do not believe I can stop it. As far as exposure, she seems to be beating me to the punch, as she is introducing the OM to her friends. SHE also came out and exposed the A to my hawk neighbor - someone she said she used to never tell anything to because she's so nosy. It's like she is trying to expose it, but she wants to spread HER word.

I would love to expose to the DD, but I don't know how to find her.

I also think it will be hard to do any ENs, because she is completely avoiding me. Wait until she discovers that I cut her off from the finances. I haven't told her yet, and she'll probably find out when she tries to use a credit card and it won't work.

Expose again regardless of previous exposure from her. Calmly inform the folks that you are trying to rescue a marriage that has been interfered with by OM and WW is trying to justify. Enlist their aid where possible.

Do not enable your WW infidelity. Who pays for the gym membership. Cancel it and explain why to the gym management. Namely that continued membership is contributing to the breakup of a family.

Then fix you. Smarten up. Do things around the house and for her. Don't make a big deal about it. Socialize by bringing friends home.
In short, give her a reason to BE attracted to you.

Mope here. Her days of disappointing you are NOT over my friend. Be prepared. She will bait you. Express disgust, do NOT get drawn into argument. I take it that you DO understand the Plan A concept of the carrot and the stick.

Do it.

Imagine,

Another tough morning. It started OK when I scraped the ice off her car before she got up and left for the gym, and said nothing about it (nor did she). We were able to do "little talk" this morning after she returned, but I later dropped the bomb shell when I told her that I was advised to cut off her finances. Basically, I eliminated the 2 credit cards, pulled all the money out of the line of credit and put it into my checking account, and changed the password to the online banking so she no longer has access.

I told her that I was advised to do this and she didn't take it too kindly and said that I need to continue to support her, as I've done for the last 16 years. I assured her that I will continue to "feed" her checking account (its joint) until she gets her first pay check in January, and we'll talk about expense splitting at that time. It was a surprisingly calm conversation, but I know that she was upset and I think I really did a big love bank withdrawal. I told her that this was the choice she made.

She plans to re-visit her attorney to discuss this new thing, and I think she believes she will get spousal support for a while, which she will. But I also think it can be offset by alot of things I'm already paying for, so I may not be too bad.

I sent her text saying that I was scared about her high-priced attorney and the fact that they had a 3.5 hour meeting. I then sent her an e-mail saying that I transferred $200 and that I was sorry for doing this, but that I've trusted and loved her since I've known her and that she has lost that trust with all the things she's done lately.

Ug-g-g-gh. I need to breathe.

scared1, to do the quote thing you can click the "quote" button at the bottom of someone's post. It will open a reply window and put their text inside markers that look like this (but without the spaces):
[ quote ]
[ /quote ]

You can make multiple quotes by just typing in multiple quote markers (with no space between the brackets and text).


WW's Exposure: Hi friend, this is OM. OM, this is friend. scared1? Oh, we're separated, didn't you know? The divorce should be final after the first of the year. The bad part is we have to keep living in that house until it sells or I get a job. Yeah, it's too bad. Say, you wanna go get some lunch?

scared1's Exposure: WW is having an A with OM. I love WW very much and am determined to do whatever it takes to make myself a better H and our M wonderful and strong.

You have precious little time.
You need to expose.

Why on Earth are you discussing your battle plans with the enemy? Because that's what your WS is now - your enemy. She does NOT have YOUR best interests at heart, and if you start broadcasting your strategy to her like that, expect to come off even worse in the end!



Is her name on that account? What's stopping her from going into the bank and getting the password changed herself?



Stop shooting yourself in the foot, man!

Maninmotion,

I guess I'm being too nice because I'm trying to coordinate Plan A (still waiting for book) and the fact that I want to reconcile. She would have found out about the credit cards, anyway, so I'd rather tell her than have her buy a bunch of Christmas gifts, stand at the check-out counter, and not have it work. I'm guessing that would piss her off more. How should I have ahndled it?

Her name was on the account (line of credit) that I pulled the money out of and put it into mine at the same bank. This keeps her from going to the bank and doing it herself, and by changing the password, it keeps her from doing the transfer on line.

Being a financial planner who managed the household finances for the entire marriage, they are actually more concerned about me pulling stuff, because my wife has no clue. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't playing games, but I'm not hiding money, either. I'm taking every opportunity to spend money on business expenses that may otherwise be due next year so I can get my taxable income down in 2008, because that value will be used heavily in determination of child support and/or spousal support.

I need to get that SAA book and I should probably re-read the carrot & the stick again.

Scared,

No more talking to her about what you've been advised to do. As MIM said you are shooting yourself in the foot. From here on out she is an enemy to your M. She doesn't get to be in on your plan.

She's already got one foot out the door and she's trying to convince you, your family, friends, everybody, that your M has not been good for a long time now and she's had enough. She's probably placing all the blame on you. She will not tell them the truth just half truths. Everyone will know that you two are struggling, but no one will know the real reason is she has been having an A. So re-expose CALMLY to people who can influence her. Tell them the truth.

No more R talk at this point. Don't talk about D and don't appear to be vindictive. Angry outbursts are so hard to control in this h3ll that you are in, but try your best to stay calm and clear headed. Your kids need you to be the stable one here. Think of them. Give them an example of what a mature man and good father behaves like. These memories of you now will never leave their thoughts. So be strong.

Talk to your lawyer again and get your finances protected. Know your rights and document everything. Copy any evidence you have of her A(phone records, emails, etc) and keep them in a very safe place. If you see them again hugging or whatever, write down the date and time. Document any lies the same way.

When you are with her act casually. Try to meet some of her ENs, eliminate the LBs. It's ok to express yourself and your pain, but do it calmly. She's not going to care too much about what you say because she has already put you as the evil H. Just don't give her any more reasons to justify her immoral behavior. Let her make it up on her own.


Here's a link to a very good thread.

Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

Your name reflects a bit about you. You are going to have to put your fear in your back pocket and do things that you aren't comfortable doing. If you don't enage in this battle you will lose by default. If she is ready to walk you can't stop her, but you can protect your kids, your finances. And in the meantime you can become a better man, one that any woman would want.

Turtlehead,

I didn't understand what you meant by the WW exposure piece. Please elaborate.

I also obviously didn't do the quote thing correctly, as noted by the previous post.