Wish I had found this site a fwe months ago. Things might would have been very different than they are now. Anyway here goes my story and it may get pretty long.

Wife informed me in the spring of this year that she needed to spend more time on herself and do things she wanted to do. She said that she had been the perfect wife and mom and now it was her turn. I guess I should say that we have been married for 19 years and together for 5 years proir to that. We have two sons 12 and 16. She went on two beach trips with the girls and after returning from the second one we had a huge fight about her going all the time and she decided to move to the family cabin.

For a while we actually talked and she was adamant that she would not return until I had changed. According to her I was contolling and jealous and did not make her a better person. I will admit that I had become overly contolling and jealous. She had started a new job that put her in contact with alot of men and she had also befriende a woman that had been divorced twice. This was a major issue because this woman was known to be trouble.

After about a month of seperation and things progressively getting worse, this new friend of hers set her up with OM. Once this happened, she immediately informed me she wanted a divorce and filed. The divorce was final on Oct. 19. Knowing what I know now from reading on the forums, I should have taken action then. Instead, I immediately started seiing other women and just said so be it. That was fun for awhile, but I was still devestated by what was happening in my marriage.

I have since stopped seeing other women and would love to try and get my wife and family back. Ex seems to be happy in her new life and OM is everything I had not been in years. I will say that there have been times since divorce that she has waivered and has wanted us to spend some time together. She has even hinted that there could be a possibility for us at sometime.
Over Thanksgiving weekend she sent a text saying she was hurting and just wanted to be alone. She had already told other family members that she wa kind of getting tired of OM.

I took this as a good sign and responded that maybe we could get our stuff together and give it a try later. She responeded maybe and stated again she just wanted to be alone. However, within about three or four days, the OM was back in the picture. She then informed me that her feelings for me were gone and that she did not want us to be together right now. She stated she was done and had exausted all efforts and just did not want that anymore. She said she loved me but just couldn't try anymore. When I asked her if right now meant forever she said she did not know what the future held she just knew how she felt right now. Said she had strong feelings for OM and did not have the feelings for me like she should a husband.

The thing is, we have always had a relationship with lots of ups and downs, but have always found our way back to each other. No matter what she says, I don't see why this time won't be the same.

I need someone from the outside looking in to advise me on what this looks like and what I should do. Want my wife and family back.

mlawd1,

You asked for it. It looks like she started cheating on you during the beach trips, did the typical rationalization, moved in with the OM at the cabin and then divorced you.

Now she is not so happy and wants to keep you on the back burner just in case. Given that you are already divorced it seems like a pretty sweet deal for her. Heck, you have even given up other women for her.

Yea I guess that's what it looks like. Know for a fact she did not meet OM until Juy 4 and told of divorce on the 6th. As far as other women, did that more for me than her. Came to realize I was not ready for that. Just need some suggestions on what to do next.

mlawd, how do you know this for a fact? This is a pretty standard lie told by WS' who leave their marriages for OP. Yours would be a rare exception if this were the case.

My suggestion to you would be to woo her back. Her affair is not going to make it and is crumbling as we speak. You have seen some signs of that. Her affair is based on selfishness and deceit and those very traits will destroy it. Only 5% of affairs ever make it to marriage, and those that get that far have a 80% divorce rate. On the other hand, 50% of marriages survive infidelity. So, the odds are very much in your favor.

You need a strategic plan to attract her back. The way to do that is to make yourself as attractive as possible by avoiding lovebusters and learning to meet her needs. Find out what need the OM was meeting that drew her away and learn to meet that need.

If I were you, I would start coaching with Steve Harley of Marriage Builders. He can assess your situation and guide you in how best to bring her back. He is BRILLIANT at giving clients specially worded talking points that appeal to WS's. Steve could give you a PLAN to bring her back and could even speak to her and GIVE HER HOPE. He costs around $195 and is worth every penny. He won't waste a minute of your time with nonsense and psychobabble, but will give you a LOGICAL, STRATEGIC PLAN to get her back, if that is possible.

She most likely went with the girls, saw how much fun the girls have without the husbands and kids, it reminded her of her youth and she started wondering how much fun she's missed out on by being with you all that time. Maybe even got a little attention from some guy there, which told her that she was still attractive enough to have men interested in her. Combine that with your jealousy et al., why stay?

Kind of hard to do the typical expose route now that you've both moved on from that point, but the best thing you can do right now is an outstanding Plan A. Knock her socks off with how much you've changed - because you WANT to change and see its value, not because you want to talk her into coming back.

It takes women a LONG time to trust that a man has changed, so be prepared for a good 6 months to a year before she'll believe you're for real.

You know she did not meet this OM, you do not know what else she did on these trips. Women can do ONS if they want.

I think you can be nice to her, but get some counseling and decide what you want. Recovery is a long road and you are already divorced.

Thanks for the reply MelodyLane.

I know for a fact they met on July 4 because I recently found a letter he wrote to her telling how his life changed when he met her thet day. I know there were alot of things I should have done but chose to do my own thing. Big Mistake!

Cat I also agree that she saw the other girls and had already told me she was tired of being the perfect mom and wife. On top of that she just turned 40 and her mom died at the age of 56 so this was weighing heavy on her.

I realize now what I have lost and want to get her back, so I guess I am going to plan A and see where that goes. I will also contact Steve Harley and see how that goes. I have done alot of stupid things in this marriage, not as bad as she has made out, but I in no way met her emotional needs, and I realize that now. Also she has told me OM is nice to her and treats her well. I do think he is being to nice and wants to be around all the time because she has said she needs to tell him she needs space to deal with her issues. What they are I don't know. Probably a long shot, but I am going to try.

Thanks all

I bet dollars to doughnuts that July 4 was not the first OM.

Did this divorced friend go on the beach trips?

I bet she did a test run on vacation. Most likely the trip was not with the girls. WW comes home and two days later wants to leave for the OM? THis does not add up. The letter good of been sent to cover her tracks.

Misery loves company and this divorced GF sold your WW how the divorced life is grand.

I think that you should do a plan B on your WW because your are divorced. Living apart makes it extremely hard to plan A. She keeps on toying with you to keep you as a safety net. Tell WW that you want to date her again but will not until she gives up the OM.

If you plan A, make sure you do a text case. Then after six months do the darkest of plan B's.

Toxic friend ddi not go on beach trips. Her sister went on the first one and a trusted female went on second so I know what happened on these trips. She came back from second beach trip in late may and met OM on July 4. The letter was not a set up because I was snooping when I found it. Divorce was full throttle at this time and alot of stuff was out in the open concerning both of us. Also sister has been a trusted allie in this because she is pretty mad at sister. I agree with the plan B and also with the toying part. Her sister has said the same thing and told me not to let her lead me on. I also completely agree with friend selling her on how great divorce is. Also like the misery loves company thing because friend's life is in shambles. Looks like these WW's could see what is happening to their mentors and wise up.

On another note, OM is real piece of work. Divorced twice and living with mother because he pays child support on three. Also real ladie's man and only dated so many women because he had been hurt in the past. He has promised EX that he has been waiting for her all his adult life and he is a changed man. She has told him how many faults I had in marriage and he is using this as a check list to meet emotinal needs. So far he is doing a pretty good job. Don't know how long he can keep it up because she gets pretty demanding with the needs. I think he has already slacked off some because she has hinted thngs aren't going like she thought.

Just wanted to check in and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Went to Exw's house last night to take presents to boys and present from boys to their mom. Things went faily well until boys went to bed and I did a stupid thing and started talking about us. Of course an argument ensued and she said I would never change and we would never get back together. I also had some choice words about OM and she defended him and said it all boiled down to the fact he treated her better than I had in a long time. Also said I had become best friends with her sister and dad to try and get her back and I could forget that. We have always been pretty close so I don't know where that came from. She also said several other mean things so her anger towards me seems to be building. I started it last night, but I did not expect the anger that came out. I guess the time has come to accept the fact this is over. The only problem is that with our history together, nothing has ever been over.