Why do women withhold affection from the men the supposedly love (ok, men do it too - let's don't go there right now)

It's been 5 months since her affair ended when her bf quit his job and changed his phone # (yes, I called to check)

It's been 10 months since my wife has made love to me and she had kissed me (just a quick smack) exactly 3 times since last April. I've tried to hold her hand (she pulls away), give her a kiss (she turns her face), and I've told her "I love you" (with "OK" for a response)

I've done everything I can think of from my end, eliminating my LBs as very best as I can and letting her know that I do love and care for her. Her signals are so mixed, I feel like I belong in a blender. She talks about future plans for us and our family and tells the kids that she'd like to spend a moment with me without them.

It is more than obvious that she is still guarded and very much withholding all affection. Why do people do this? What purpose does it serve to the person withholding? What is the thinking behind it? I can't understand this one

All it feel like it's teaching me is that I can be a strong person without her and when/if I file for divorce I really won't be missing anything, because it wasn't there.

Looking at your signature, I have a thought: has she lost respect for you because you stay home with the kids?

I don't mean to say that you deserve less respect for that choice. It's a tough job. I know that firsthand. But with your situation, it's a role-reversal of the 'traditional' roles, and I wonder if that is the core of your struggles.

What do you think?

Is this a factor?

Speaking from a woman's point of view...

The times I have been unaffectionate with my H is when I was feeling resentful. If I felt he was too self-involved or not meeting my EN or SF I tended to withdraw emotionally and with that, I withdrew physically. We have very poor communication skills so this was how I dealt with it. Not a good thing, I know.

More recently, I have started to lose respect for him due to a lack of trust and intimacy. This has caused me to pull back affection as well.

Those are only the reasons why I have withheld affection. Everyone is different and if you are meeting her needs and as you say, eliminating LBs, then it is something within her.

Maybe because of the A, she feels guilty accepting affection from you. Or she is trying to punish herself-although it seems that would be a rare circumstance unless she is feeling intense guilt that she hasn't dealt with.

Or it could be that she is trying to push you away. Make you leave so that you are the bad guy.

I know it must be hard dealing with the mixed signals. Have you asked her about her contradictions? Why she talks about a future with you but can't tell you she loves you or have any real intimacy with you? That doesn't seem like a very happy future with someone. You need to talk.

This has crossed my mind more than once

Have you talked to her about things?

Maybe next time she pulls away from a hug or doesn't say "I love you" back you could say something like...

"I love you and am committed to making this a healthy, happy relationship. I don't know what you are going through, but if you talk to me, I will do whatever it takes to make things right. But, I need to know that you are willing to make an effort to commit to this marriage. You are sending me mixed signals that are putting me on an emotional rollercoaster. Again, I love you and will stick with you through whatever comes our way, but we have to do this together."


Just a suggestion....hope things turn around for you.

Is your main issue affection or SF? Because they are different.

When I was married before I was a withholder of SF. I was convicted of this behavior at a later point in my life and I have no issues on this end in my second marriage.

When I mainly withheld sex to be honest it was resentment- and wanting to strike out and hurt him when he was hurting me by withdrawing affection. I wanted his attention and withholding SF was a way to punish him as well. Make sense?

Could she still be in withdrawal??

Here's another woman's take. I don't know if it applies to you, but it is the root cause of why I withdraw.

I need an emotional connection in order to desire a physical connection. It's the old "woman view sex and an expression of love" and "men use love to get sex" syndrome.

If we're fighting--which we are right now--or there is other stuff going on--which there is--then I have a hard time with physical affection.

This is very much the same with me. I think once a woman reaches this point (as withdrawn as she is), she has left the marriage in her mind, but is physically still there.

I have a recommendation - although not a typical one. Have you seen the movie "Fireproof"? It comes out on video this month (Jan 27) and deals with the issue of a woman who is already emotionally unavailable to her husband & ready for divorce while the husband tries to win her love back. Maybe when it comes out on video, you could see it together!

FIREPROOF THE MOVIE

I will agree with the other women, I withhold due to the LB. I need the physical attention to have an emotional and intimate connection. I will definitely recommend seeing the movie fireproof also. I took my husband to see it in the theater, it was a real eye opener for him. To bad it didn't stick. For instance I wasn't feeling well this last weekend, he wanted to have sex this weekend. Big buster was he asked "so how you feeling"...as he walked out of the room. He wasn't interested in my response, just reminding me that he wanted to have sex. Well it never happened - I would have rather he asked as if he really cared, because the way he asked, not even looking at me or waiting to hear my response. See the movie Fireproof. Just asking isn't just another task to complete, you have to really care and listen to her without expecting something in return. As to what we get out of withholding, for me the best way I can explain how I feel is..how do you love someone when you (at that moment in time) don't really like them. Like kissing and hugging your kid and telling your child you love him while he is screaming and throwing a nasty tantrum in the middle of Wal-mart. You just aren't feeling much love at that moment. It's not that I don't love my child, I'm just not that happy with his behavior at that moment.

hope things work out for you

See the FIREPROOF TRAILER

From a wife's perspective: She knows why she is behaving this way, and I would suggest that you ask her. When you get the courage to ask, truly open your heart to her answer. Then, ask her what you need to do to change it.

I lived in this for many years. In some ways it creeps back into the marriage, but we've gotten a lot better about being honest. Her behavior suggests a tremendous amount going on underneath the surface.

For us, we lived most of our lives pouting and being passive aggressive with each other. We both felt ripped off, unattended to and unmet.

What didn't help was to have a session where we aired our grievances. That always felt good at the time, but didn't create change. Change only came about when I made the decision to love her as unconditionally as I'm capable of doing. I loved her, took the pressure off of her, stopped making her feel scrutinized and criticized all of the time and became the type of person I think a woman would like to be married to. What naturally developed was she wanted to love me back.

I hit a low point one afternoon and after a lot of reflection, I asked myself "would I want to be married to me?" Over the next several months, I set out not to be perfect, but to be an asset in her life, not a liability.

We actually pulled ourselves out of 15 years of destructive behavior, which is something of a miracle.