that is basically what I plan to say.




found her on the university website listed as a graduate, but nothing else. She isn't in classmates.com or facebook.

TC9,

I'm glad you are being careful, but you might want to abstain completely for a while. My family has quite a few of those unplanned, but still loved, people.

Thanks for clueing us in.

You are right. We are not professional. We do not have intrinsic details.

I appreciate your taking the time to explain.

imagine



I was not trying to say that I will only listen to Steve's advice because he is a professional, and everyone else isn't. Just because I haven't taken all of the advice offered me doesn't mean I don't truly appreciate the support of everyone who has posted on this thread. I am afraid to think of what state I would be in if I didn't have the support of everyone here.

With that said, everyone's situation is different, and a strategy that worked for one person may not work for another. Recovering from an affair is not a one-size-fits-all procedure. I appologize if I have offended some of you, but all I can say is that I am trying to make the best decisions for my marriage. If we disagree on what those are, then that is fine, and I still appreciate the fact that you took the time to post here. Everyone who has given me advice here has had their own experiences that have led them to give me that advice. All I am trying to do is use that advice and put together a plan that will work the best for me. I value everyone's advice whether I take it or not.

Sorry if you perceived my post as putting everyone down because they aren't "professionals" like steve. It certainly wasn't my intention.

TC9

Well, you should be. This is a Harley site. He is a Harley. Not sure what could be clearer than that.

It says it at the top of every page: "the advice offered on these forums is offered by your peers - it is NOT professional advice and should not be taken as such."

You are one of the ones here choosing to pay and get professional advice, so that is what you should be following.

Did Steve say how to escalate exposure efforts if you didn't get a call returned? If you are unsure, maybe another emergency call is a good idea. Write down a list of questions and scenarios.

When I spoke with him yesterday, he was against exposure at first, asking "what do you expect exposure to accomplish." When I explained that I couldn't live with myself if didn't do anything to stop the PA, and that every if somehow i was able to "educate" WW on what makes a successful marriage and get her to break off everything with OM, that I would still be scarred from allowing a PA to go on while knowing about it.

After I told him that he said to definitely expose to OMW. We didn't talk about other scenarios because OMW had been so easy to get a hold of in the past. I asked him about telling WW's family and he said I should. I also asked about exposure at work and again he ask me what I hoped to accomplish with that. I said I hoped that exposure at work would make seeing people that knew about their A at work very difficult, bring the secret out. His response was that in my situation that it would just be more of a huge LB than anything else and likely drive WW away. His main point was that if I am going to expose, I should expose for the purpose of getting support for the marriage, not just to make WW uncomfortable. His main reason for this was to be careful not to drive WW while I still have strength and energy to work on things. (I know I have posted this 5 or 6 times since yesterday and that it is getting redundant, sorry)

He did not mention anything about the order of exposure or if it had to be done all at once. My desire to tell OMW first, and then WW's family has come from suggestion on this thread.

Yeah, I think we BS overestimate how much work exposure will accomplish. Workplace romances are so common it isn't like they are going to be horribly shamed. They'll just say you are insanely paranoid and laugh it off.

To me, the biggest thing would be getting another hand on deck with the OM's W. She could really force a total job change and monitor his communications on her end. You might want to give her some advice there.

yes, i am planning on it

I'm sorry that you thought I was being sarky. I was not. Mike has it in a nutshell.

There are many here, including myself, that are potentially guided more by emotion than experience. There is usually a great clamour by posters to expose, despite the availability of posts at the JFO forum warning of sensitivities to each case.

I'm glad we are on the same page. Sorry I misread your post.



Do you have any thoughts on my situation?

Look, I'm a radical kind of guy and tend to take no prisoners.

My opening salvo would be to declare my intentions. Namely that my WW is worthwhile and that I would do everything in my power to restore the relationship.

Next, I would (calmly)publicly embarrass the OM. What better place than at his place of employment.

Before you attempt these please note: I believe in the power of prayer and would ensure that my position before God was right before praying. Truly, I have seen God working where I was unable to. This my testimony: You will not believe my experiences. You have to experience it for yourself.

Commend all your actions in prayer before proceeding. Honour God in all your actions.

Hey, could one of you talk to God about the OM getting laid in my house? I'm still a little ticked about it.








(sorry, bitter ;-))

When a WS commits adultery this is God's judgement against a WS and not necessarily the BS.

They have taken many steps to separate themselves from God to fall such a depth. They defile their body which is a holy place of worship to God.

Pretty much like serving pork in a synagogue.

Exactly the analogy that sprung to mind.

Being you can't let the affair turn PA any more.

You need to expose, expose all, and not worry who wasn't there to answer their phone.

Your half assed incomplete exposure did nothing. OMW knows your number and won't pick up. OMW is sticking her head in the sand, or the OM was successful in painting you as a crazy jealous husband. Maybe with your WW's help.

At this point expose OMW's family, work, WW's family, WW's friends.

What's the worse thing your WW going to do? Bang the OM?

A PI can get you a ton of info and you simply have to be specific about what you want. Tell him you want OM's info and background check and the names and addresses of OMW's family.

Calling OMW's mom and saying something like, "My W is having an affair with your daughter's husband. I tried to tell your daughter but OM has convinced her I'm just a jealous husband. I have proof that he slept with my W. I have no intention other than to end the affair and save my marriage and am hoping to have your daughter help me with that by putting pressure on them to end the affair. I'm not crazy. I'm not looking to cause any trouble. I simply wish to give you this information, answer any questions, and save my marriage. I hope you can help."

OMW finally picked up her phone late yesterday afternoon. She didn't believe me and asked for proof. I sent her the emails, which aren't exactly concrete proof, but it is pretty hard to come to any other conclusion other than some sort of physical interaction took place.

OMW told me that she believes her H that the only contact between them is the occasional work related email. So, even if she doesn't see in the emails that something physical happened, she should at least see that he has been lying to her about contact.

She must be in serious denial because she sent me back an email saying "got it and please leave us alone"


For now I am going to stick to Steve's advice and start reviewing the basic concepts with WW, and get her into counseling with Steve, which she has now agreed to do.

Well, without re-reading the emails, I think you'd have to be in denail, as you say, to not think there was a physical interaction there.

Put yourself in her shoes. You didn't want to believe it, this guy calls you who her husband says is crazy. Then you show her proof that is a knife in the heart.

So, to me, saying "get away" to you, the source of that pain, isn't surprising.

What I would do is reply and say, look, you and I only know this because I made an extraordinary effort on my side. We need to work together to make sure they aren't going on with this"

Conversely, if she is true to her word, she may be throwing his stuff out on the lawn right now.

I missed this. when did she agree to counsel?

Does she know yet about exposure to the OM's W?

I told her that I called OMW. She isn't thrilled about counseling with Steve, but said she would try it when I suggested it again last night.

We are going to work through the first few basic concepts tonight and discuss how they fit our marriage. Hopefully that will get her to see that Steve and the MB concepts are not the typical "shrink" stuff you see on TV.

My plan is to continue with Steve's plan of getting her to talk to him, but if she continues to resist it, than I'll have to move toward a separation.